By jaeilssanguh - United States

It never rains, it pours

Today, I was walking in rain. I had my hands in my pants pockets, so that the front of the jacket was pointing down. Halfway to Taco Bell, my crotch felt exceptionally wet. I looked down to see a wet spot. The rain on my jacket was channeled to my crotch. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Movie worthy

Facts over feelings

By Sophie - United Kingdom

Today, I was staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time. It's a small, old cottage in the countryside. I went up for a shower and didn't realise that the plug hole was blocked. Before I knew it, the bathroom floor was completely flooded and the ceiling below was dripping. FML

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By meganisabella - United States

Today, I went driving for the first time. I made it twenty miles to my step mom's house, and didn't stop until I was inside the garage. Too bad the garage door was closed when I got there. FML

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By baby names

Today, I helped a lady give birth on the train. She was so happy she asked if she could name the baby after me, but as I told her my name she visibly turned her nose up at it, turned to her husband, and suggested naming it after his grandfather instead. FML

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By Eli123 - United States

Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing his lawn. I ran a couple of laps past him. After a while, when I slowed down, I smiled at him, and he replied You look really hot." I thanked him, and he quickly replied, "No, I mean you're sweating a lot." FML

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By bodhimae - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

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By tallwoman - Denmark

Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML

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By jxfc - United States - Tracy

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my girlfriend takes creepshots of me sleeping, and my mom likes them on her Instagram. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 02:02

Bass, how low can you go?

Today, I tried to study for my upcoming engineering exam. The class I’m in is notorious for being incredibly difficult and is oftentimes the reason for people dropping out of the major. Too bad the dudes in the apartment next to me have a subwoofer and keep playing music that has way too much bass. FML

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By gimp. - United States

Today, I had surgery on my foot. The doctor told me I'd be on crutches for 6 months. I texted my boyfriend the news, promising lots of intimate favors if he'd watch movies with me while on bed rest for the next week. He texted back, "No way. I don't date cripples." Dumped for a broken foot. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Trick question

Today, my girlfriend asked me if she looked fat in her new pair of jeans. Knowing I was probably about two seconds away from all hell breaking loose, I instinctively tried to save my game, before remembering I wasn't playing a video game. I really need to get a life. FML

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By anerdmom

Today, while dropping my son off at the bus stop before school, I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. Then, before I was able to make contact, he jumped away, yelled "PSYCH!!!!" as loud as he could, and jumped on the bus. The kids all laughed at me and the other parents looked embarrassed for me. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, my friend and his girlfriend got in a fight while drunk and he started walking home. While driving around looking for him, I accidentally hit him with my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I asked my lazy daughter to go make her bed. She responded by lighting our garbage bin on fire. FML

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By Anon

Today, I was working on an art commission for some random kid's OC and I didn't notice that I made the nose look like a man's private parts. The mother was upset and spammed my mailbox. FML

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By LiliK - United Kingdom

Today, while suffering from a serious migraine. I have to cook dinner and listen to the singing of two very tone deaf individuals. I'm starting to contemplate sticking forks in my ears. FML

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By greenchan - United States

Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 05:02

Best Baby Names of 2021

Today, my boyfriend has had name ideas for his future son and daughter even before I met him, but so have I. He disregards my ideas and suggestions, and is hell bent on giving our kids names because he likes "the way they sound." 'Hippopotamus' sounds good, but who’d name their kids that? FML

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By Jakesssss - United States - Hudson

Today, I showed a kid how to knock somebody out for self defense. He then knocked me unconscious with the same method I'd just showed him. FML

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By jl_word - United States

Today, I paid a local homeless man to rake the leaves in my yard. After paying and driving him to the bus stop, I found his shit on my back porch. I need new shoes. FML

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By moderndante - United States - Portland

Hey, where's my bonus?!

Today, my co-worker received a $1,000 bonus for a project that I do all the work on. My direct supervisor thought that I was an assistant. I send him an e-mail copy of the project every week, and have done so for the past six months. I was later reprimanded for not congratulating my co-worker. FML

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By heckinfrick - 8/10/2020 08:01

What a headache

Today, it was the day of the doctor's appointment that I've been waiting for for eight months. I woke up with a fever and had to reschedule. The next appointment is next year. Guess I have to put up with my daily migraines until 2021. FML

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By nomwar - United States

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

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By notgoth - Netherlands - Rijen

Today, I went to a bar with my best friend, and some guys came up to us and started flirting with her and offering her a drink. I felt a bit left out and started joking that "I'm thirsty too". One guy looked at me, cringed and said, "No, I don't buy drinks for weird girls." FML

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By Anon - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was alone with a work acquaintance at lunch. A noise came from his pocket; he whipped out his iPod Touch and said "Sorry, I have to take this," before walking away with the iPod to his ear. Not only did he not want to talk to me, he thought I was stupid enough to confuse an iPod with a phone. FML

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By JustABarista

Good Riddance

Today, while working at Starbucks, an elderly woman came up to me asking to turn up the heat. It was at 73. After explaining to her that corporate all the way across the country controls our heat, she's reporting me to corporate and is insisting I should be fired or she won't ever return. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML

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By supermanj76 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and asked for a $50 bill in change? Being a good man i said "sure." I gave him the change and he gave me the $50 bill. As I walk into starbucks to buy a coffee, I handed the casheir my fifty dollar bill, she called the cops. It was counterfeit. FML

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By fukinlonely - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2021 08:01

Medicare For All

Today, it's Mother’s Day. It's also the day I’m expected to pay a very large medical bill due to my miscarriage of twin babies. FML

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By gfg - Romania

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, my mum picked up a bunch of tissues that were scattered around my room. She examined them, then asked me to stop wasting her potential grandchildren. FML

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By Shitty genes, no two ways about it. - Australia - Perth

Today, my son had to help out at the local retirement home for his community service. He got in serious trouble and came whining to me about it after he tried threatening some of the residents into taking part in a Harlem Shake video. FML

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By passedout

Today, I got my blood drawn for a donation and they didn't warn me that I was borderline anemic. I passed out in the middle of Walgreens and woke up to people just standing there, staring. FML

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By fatto - Sweden

Today, I got up very early to join my fit, slim, husband for a morning walk, since I work from home, order food to be delivered, and barely leave the couch. Afterwards, he biked off to work, and I went straight back to bed. With some candy. Small steps, I guess. FML

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By Cuzles - United States

Today, I locked the door to our only bathroom so my two year old wouldn't get in and make a mess. I crapped my pants while trying to unlock it with the key that rests on the frame. FML

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By Jake - Australia

Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood, I passed an elderly woman. I grinned at her as sign of friendliness to a common pedestrian. She grinned back. Whilst staring at my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of searching and several emotional breakdowns, I finally found a new job. My wife's words of encouragement? "Try not to fuck this one up." FML

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By datgirl92 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my friends and I were talking about the creepy stranger that used to stalk me back in high school. I guess his looks changed a lot through the years because I found out that he's my current boyfriend of 4 months. FML

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Top comments

By Incubuss | 0

#689876 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:04

So when you walked into Taco Bell it looked like you has pissed yourself with excitement?

By sguitaradam | 5

#689885 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:07

so? let it rain a little on the rest of your pants to, and you'll be fine.

COMMENTS

By Incubuss | 0

#689876 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:04

So when you walked into Taco Bell it looked like you has pissed yourself with excitement?

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#689971 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:49

THIRD!

Reply

IslandLove | 0

#1013255 - Monday 31 May 2010 2:28

lmao good one

By sguitaradam | 5

#689885 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:07

so? let it rain a little on the rest of your pants to, and you'll be fine.

By lostfaithinpppl | 19

#689892 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:11

So you don't like your crotch wet in general or only when the rain gets it wet?

By bmonehh | 0

#689906 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:15

Second!!! :]

Reply

GigaB | 0

#2560057 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 4:14

um no ur fourth. sorry

Reply

GigaB | 0

#2560060 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 4:14

um no ur fourth. sorry

By boogieman145 | 3

#689908 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:15

As opposed to moderately wet?

Reply

Bullet4MyChemaMo | 12

#967810 - Thursday 25 March 2010 8:28

YDI for actually going to Taco Bell. No laxative could ever beat that place.

By trizzieb | 0

#689914 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:17

I assume you work there because nobody in thier right mind would walk to taco bell I'm the rain. So, not only is your crotch soaked but you have to deal with the shame of your coworkers and the fact that you work at Taco Bell. FYL

Reply

iwannafuckyaman | 0

#690537 - Friday 27 November 2009 9:09

who sad that they worked at taco bell? maybe, they had a horrid taco bell craving.... dumb shit.

By o0ch | 0

#689916 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:18

you deserve it for eating at taco bell

By Flexanimous | 0

#689947 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:34

lol. I love the way this FML was written. FYL

By lawllercoasters | 0

#689952 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:36

this is unworthy of an FML

Reply

Nice_but_Unlucky | 0

#826065 - Friday 5 February 2010 2:35

let me guess, ur a woman or a gay man?

By LittleMiss1 | 0

#689956 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:40

Get an umbrella ?

Reply

Ipreferbroccoli | 0

#689983 - Thursday 26 November 2009 23:58

That would kill the lovely melancholy of walking in the rain.