Miscellaneous: Today, I was walking down the street when someone started yelling... - FML

By supersplatoon - 08/09/2015 23:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking down the street when someone started yelling at me, saying I was dead. I bolted, ran into a pole and when they caught up to me, said "Oh, wrong person." and walked off, leaving me bruised on the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 968

You deserved it 2 674

Hiding from the drama

Own it

Walk on the wild side

By whaleninjapoop - 06/12/2012 08:24 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I jokingly tried to convince my girlfriend that Wyoming was a government conspiracy and did not exist. She believed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 558

You deserved it 5 975

By Anonymous - 02/08/2012 14:12 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 396

You deserved it 3 032

By "baow" - 17/03/2019 16:00 - Sweden

Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, it really was great until her Garfield sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 079

You deserved it 316

Rookie mistake

By Grounded4Life - 14/08/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, I got grounded, got my bedroom door taken away and my phone is only allowed before 5 p.m. Never comment how many points you got on a public Facebook post involving a quiz about sex if your mom is friends with you, she’ll see everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 314

You deserved it 2 005

By WhyM3Th0ugh - 10/09/2015 23:21 - United States - Sunnyside

Today, one of my idiot classmates decided it was a good idea to throw his water bottle across the room to his friend. Unfortunately, I was sitting in front of his friend. I now have a very noticeable bruise and bump near my temple along with a headache. Everybody laughed at me. Even the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 934

You deserved it 1 658

By I did them anyway - 20/07/2015 22:01 - New Zealand

Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 957

You deserved it 2 161

By MALICEG - 26/05/2012 07:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 437

You deserved it 4 745

Gordon Ramsey is furious

By sunitgir - 21/10/2019 06:00

Today, my mother decided to cook dinner for us and used rice that she had in her cupboard. While helping out, I stirred the dish and noticed black flecks. Turns out they were rice weevils. She tried to convince me it was "burnt garlic" and served it to the rest of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 582

You deserved it 127

By LesToiliettes - 25/03/2012 07:12 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, was the first day of my new job. My boss admitted that they hadn't cleaned the employee bathroom for over two months. My first task: clean the employee bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 780

You deserved it 2 136

Online shopping

By Anonymous - 29/09/2020 02:04 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was showing my mum how to use eBay. Unfortunately I didn't notice my recent purchase history was on display: a huge black dildo; a jockstrap and a bong amongst them. Of course, she did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 1 257

Shut your pie hole, please

By An unemployed doorman - 14/02/2021 20:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I have to listen to my flatmate complaining that ladies don’t shag him anymore since his dad, in Saudi Arabia, cut him off. Apparently, they show a lot of interest until he reveals his financial situation. The dude actually thought he was God's gift to women instead of a mobile ATM. What a tool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 106

By AndieApocalypse - 03/06/2011 04:21 - United States

Today, I was complimented on my hat by two different people. I wasn't wearing a hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 930

You deserved it 6 354

By Anonymous - 14/12/2018 14:00

Spicy

Today, after weeks of no sex, my boyfriend finally decided to have sex with me. While we were getting into it I accidentally farted in his face while his mouth was open. No more sex for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 563

You deserved it 2 046

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was someone prank-calling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 799

You deserved it 5 479

By stick - 20/10/2009 16:05 - United States

Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 329

You deserved it 171 701

By Anonymous - 05/10/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 957

You deserved it 44 418

Marriage benefits

By Anonymous - 10/09/2021 17:00

Today, my husband told me he’s gay, has a boyfriend and will be living with him, but he wants to stay married because it has good tax benefits, plus our joint mortgage, and if he comes out to his father he’ll be cut from the will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 785

You deserved it 73

By kat101 - 04/10/2010 22:11 - United States

Today, my varsity swim team got second place in the State meet. My coach said I could bring the trophy home for the weekend. On the way home, I accidentally sat on it and broke it, cutting my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 318

You deserved it 35 999

By SeeingGreen - 08/05/2017 02:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex popped up as someone I might know as instagram, complete with his workout photos. My fiance is mad at me for showing these to my family, even though the consensus is that my ex looks like a condom stuffed with marbles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 491

You deserved it 1 292

By SydIsPrettyCool - 04/08/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 073

You deserved it 3 380

By theatreluver - 05/01/2011 03:15 - United States

Today, it was opening night for the play where I was, for the first time ever, one of the leads. I went on stage with a loud and energetic entrance. I came in two scenes early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 379

You deserved it 33 478

By Anonymous - 17/03/2013 10:14 - United States

Today, I found out through his Facebook update and a text message that my fiancé demoted me to girlfriend status. I was sitting in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 681

You deserved it 3 134

Copycat

By Anonymous - 23/10/2021 05:00 - Canada - Enderby

Today, my father-in-law announced the name of his new son, my husband's half-brother. The first name and last name is the same as our son, who I gave birth to 4 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 58

By dragonstooth257 - 20/08/2018 15:00

Today, I confessed to my husband that I quoted Lightning McQueen in an interview and got my dream job because of it. He wont stop laughing and telling my friends. I'm never going to live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 047

You deserved it 712

By heart of cold - 11/01/2016 09:12 - United States

Today, my roommate invited a couple of homeless gentlemen in to our house. After drinking all our beer, throwing up on our carpet, and repeatedly asking if we were planning on killing them, I asked them to leave. My roommate told them they're welcome back anytime. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 051

You deserved it 2 028

By grossedout - 29/08/2013 16:26 - United States - Endicott

Today, I actually had to explain to my husband why his habit of wiping his boogers off into our baby's hair has to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 059

You deserved it 3 698

By Nick - 11/02/2010 18:35 - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 435

You deserved it 5 560

By cbolig - 03/05/2011 12:15

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 314

You deserved it 31 703

By loserface - 23/02/2009 22:50 - United States

Today, I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview, I realized that the last thing I had searched for on my browser's Google box was "ingrown pubic hairs," and it was still up there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 223

You deserved it 36 582

By lovely - 26/02/2014 18:53 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 012

You deserved it 10 561

By Anonymous - 09/08/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 942

You deserved it 3 524

By thelistman - 13/11/2009 19:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 266

You deserved it 5 118

By Failoffel - 10/05/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 599

You deserved it 52 534

By EmmaleeSupertramp - 14/02/2014 03:16 - United States

Today, it was the first dress rehearsal at a community theater. I'm playing a grandma to a bunch of little kids, and the guy who is playing the grandpa wears a fat suit. I put on my costume and one of the kids comes up to me and says, "Are you wearing a fat suit too?" and pokes my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 648

You deserved it 6 953

By Rash - 06/12/2011 16:54 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 847

You deserved it 3 226

By jaqen h'garrrhghhgfgjhfuck - 09/06/2014 21:45 - France - Toulon

Today, I was spinning some yarn around to make my new cat run in circles. After about 10 seconds, he stopped going in circles and went straight ahead, happily running several feet into the wall and knocking himself out. My bowel movements have more brain-power than this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 877

You deserved it 9 433

By Heyme - 09/12/2008 13:50 - France

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I crunched my pen and crushed my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 310

You deserved it 6 670

By Anonymous - 27/05/2009 16:18 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 049

You deserved it 5 229

By Marlon - 11/12/2010 08:18 - United States

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 650

You deserved it 3 928

By D: - 06/10/2013 17:13 - France - Paris

Today, I woke up to my creepy new roommate licking my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 321

You deserved it 3 877

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Top comments

andits 21

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:14

Well look at the bright side, you aren't dead.

Norja 33

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:17

To whoever says "Why did you run?" If you heard someone shout "You're dead!" and run in your direction, you'd run even if you hadn't done anything. Especially if you thought they were crazy or bigger than you.

Comments

brendejafulable 41

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:13

Guilty conscience?

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Thursday 10 September 2015 14:55

You're dumb, as if you wouldn't be scared someone chasing you while screaming " your dead " I'm sure you'd piss your pants.

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:13

Why'd you run? Feeling guilty?

oceanbrickfire 21

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:18

If someone said it in a threatening tone wouldn't you run?

RawritsYoshi 13

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:13

Wow. He could've at least helped you up.

andits 21

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:14

Well look at the bright side, you aren't dead.

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:15

How did you not see the pole that was right in front of you?

derangedplanet 23

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 17:26

It happens to the best of us. it's worse when you hit solid walls completely sober

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 22:00

you have never run into a wall, pole, glass door, person? I am pretty sure at some point you have run into at least one of the above.

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 23:53

They probably looked back several times to see if the person chasing them was catching up or whatnot.

MyDadLeftMeInKFC 21

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:15

At least you know what side of "fight or flight" you're on? Just kidding, but I'm sorry that happened to you OP!

Norja 33

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:17

To whoever says "Why did you run?" If you heard someone shout "You're dead!" and run in your direction, you'd run even if you hadn't done anything. Especially if you thought they were crazy or bigger than you.

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:22

That's why you always carry cause a bullets gonna be a lot faster than the one chasing you.

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 19:24

Your photo is perfect for your comment and this FML.

Norja 33

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 20:35

#18 Don't you think there are enough problems with guns in your country?

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 20:45

guns don't kill. people do. they don't needs guns to kill...if you don't live here, keep out of it.

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Thursday 10 September 2015 3:21

No I don't. We do have a problem with people doing the wrong thing though. Considering though that in America places with higher legal gun ownership have less crime I'm gonna say no gun problem. If guns are the problem mine must be broke because they've never killed anybody.

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Thursday 10 September 2015 5:37

# 29 THANKYOU! Finally a smart person in here. It really annoys me when people say America has "gun problems". We have no such thing. And it's a proven fact places where you're allowed to carry have less crimes. Look at Kansas for instance.. You hardly ever hear of anything there. And they have hardly any gun laws.

tormcn 26

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:18

Brain dead, maybe. In all seriousness, hope you're okay.

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:28

Run its a zombie!!'

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 16:32

That took me a minute to understand as I initially thought you meant you ran because you thought you were a ghost.

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 17:33

Thank you. I thought it was just me! :D

lemonadestand 7

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 17:54

This is too funny

scrollingthru 10

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:53

pretty funny. never saw it that way till now

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Thursday 10 September 2015 8:42

if that was the case I think the fml would go something like op thought they became a ghost till the attempt to run threw a pile failed.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 409

You deserved it 84

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 160

You deserved it 87