Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his... - FML

By DIY560 - 24/2/2014 03:59 - United States - Ambler

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

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Dangling modifier

True hero

Deep-seated resentment

By done - 9/8/2017 19:30 - United States - Mercer Island

Today, I started to fill out a job application online, with age being one of the first things I put in. After half an hour and 40 questions, I hit submit. I was then told that I wasn't old enough to apply. FML

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By properpissed - 3/6/2014 15:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to one of my British friends online, and he told me to say "yew anchors" a few times really fast. I'm a fairly stupid person, and wasn't very focused, so I did as he said. When I finally figured what the words meant, my dad had heard and grounded me for cursing. FML

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By Mommy - 29/9/2010 22:47 - United States

Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML

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By Monsieur-Madame - 31/5/2012 20:19 - France - Courtisols

Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML

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By badwolf - 4/9/2012 20:34 - United States

Today, I bought some bitter-apple spray to stop my puppy chewing on everything. Later, I found out how effective it was, when I tried to eat a sandwich, and gagged at the horrifying taste on my hands. My dog seems unaffected, and continues to chew the table legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2011 07:42 - Australia

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

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By NaKreen - 30/7/2012 22:21 - Sweden - Bor

Today, I was at a barbecue with my extended family. I was chatting to my grandma, when my idiotic brother decided to douse the grill with his cola. The hissing sounded so much like a Minecraft creeper that I instinctively screamed and practically shat my pants. FML

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By SorryUncleTommy - 1/10/2012 04:23 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2009 07:18 - Canada

Today, I was playing Xbox live with my boyfriend. I was bored so I decided to mess around. So I put down my remote and unbuttoned his pants. Two minutes in he said, "Hurry up, we're getting killed without you. Besides you're way better at video games." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2013 21:34 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

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By omgfmlhard - 11/5/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I walked into Best Buy to buy a 42" widescreen TV I'd been saving up for many months. As I walked in, a man stopped me and handed me my wallet that I'd accidentally dropped. I thanked him. 5 minutes later at the checkout, I opened up my wallet to realize it was empty. He had stolen everything. FML

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By KO - 12/10/2014 16:45 - United States

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

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By asdfasdf - 24/1/2009 15:14 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2010 05:24 - United States

Today, my mom called me to the laundry room after she saw a dead animal in there. I took a look and agreed we should call animal control. After ten minutes of freaking out, they finally arrived to confirm that the dead animal was the hood to my winter jacket. FML

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By MyLife - 6/2/2013 08:04

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

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By Amberizzle - 26/9/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, it is my three-year-anniversary with my boyfriend. I asked if he had planned anything for us, and he said yes. My parents volunteered to watch our daughter, I got all excited, and apparently our "plans" are to watch a football game. What do I get to do? Make sandwiches. For him. FML

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By my bravado's gonna kill me one day - 10/8/2018 13:00

Today, as a big fan of spicy food and a huge challenge seeker, I decided to try the hottest burger I could order. Despite being warned by a waitress, I went for it. After eating a third, I had trouble breathing from the spiciness. The waitress was smirking. FML

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By WorstLifeEver - 25/6/2010 00:45 - United States

Today, I was walking around in the mall when I dropped my purse. When I bent down to pick it up, some guy came up behind me, humped my ass, then ran away laughing. FML

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By charlie - 10/5/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

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By PghSportsNation - 2/9/2011 14:56 - United States

Today, I awoke to my cat with micro pellets all over him. He'd destroyed a pillow containing them, and now there are thousands of these pellets throughout the entire house. My vacuum is broken. FML

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By firstdategoals - 8/6/2015 03:35 - United States

Today, I went on my very first date. We went out to eat dinner and everything went great! Afterwards, I went to drop him back off at his house. I backed out of his driveway and got stuck in a ditch. His dad had to come out and tow me out. So that's how I met my boyfriend's parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 02:02

Capitalism 101

Today, a massive septic tank that takes waste from 11 factories exploded. The wind is blowing directly towards us. Even with closed windows, no amount of perfume helps. There's no escape. People have puked. We've still got 4 hours of production and management doesn't care about the workers outside. FML

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By fatty - 17/11/2014 21:05 - United States - Gloucester

Today, my parents gave me fat burner pills for my birthday. FML

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By FlyLikeABird - 16/11/2014 08:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how birds feel when they fly into windows. I should be getting the hospital bill for my broken nose in the mail soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 18:31 - United States - Springfield

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

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By wwasmer - 27/2/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, I hit a car while trying to answer a phone call from my mom. I quickly answered the phone and shouted "What!?". To which she replied, "I just had a bad feeling in my gut about you so I wanted to make sure you were ok." FML

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By condiments - 22/2/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mother, when someone snuck a pack of condoms into our cart while our backs were turned. When we got to the register, my mom, whose wealth makes me ineligible for financial aid, noticed the condoms and she announced that she wasn't paying for the college I got accepted to next year because she doesn't want a promiscuous daughter. FML

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By missingno007 - 28/8/2017 07:00 - United States - Clarkesville

Today, my first day of college, the textbooks I ordered a month in advance still haven't arrived. My first class of the semester is College Readiness. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 08:29 - Australia - Perth

Today, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind my dad and yell "BOO!" to scare him. He didn't even flinch. All he did was calmly look over his shoulder and sigh, "Oh for fuck's sake. And you wonder why I don't love you." FML

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By bandcamp926 - 5/1/2010 01:02 - United States

Today, after the two week winter break, I went back to school to find that the bookbag that I'd left in my car was covered in some creepy, pink gooey stuff. Under the freezing conditions, my lotion had exploded all over my notes and bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 15:34 - United States - Lexington

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

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By anonymous - 15/8/2010 13:12 - Netherlands

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

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By squirrel - 9/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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By Casey - 11/6/2009 12:59 - France

Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML

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By FootInMyMouth - 13/2/2016 22:56 - United States - Miami

Today, a customer brought his cat in to be euthanized. I told him to "have a nice day" as he was leaving. FML

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By Ouchithurt - 4/8/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I was following my girlfriend up the stairs, I was pretty sure I was going to get lucky. As I was almost up the set of stairs, she lifted her skirt and revealed to me that she wasn't wearing any panties. I fell backwards down the stairs. FML

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By fuck - 9/11/2013 23:30 - United States - Hubert

Caught

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

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By Di Da - 6/7/2020 23:02

Ghosted

Today, my boss came to my desk and asked me how the work is going, then he just walked away in the middle of me explaining a problem in the project. When I wanted to make an appointment with his secretary, she told me he isn't going to have any time this and next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2011 14:08 - United States

Today, my 4 year old asked to go outside and play in the sprinkler. I told him not right now because I was busy and he's too little to play outside by himself. I came out of the laundry room later to find he'd brought the sprinkler in the house and turned the water on. At least he listened. FML

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By ceetee - 26/7/2011 13:35 - Australia

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

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Top comments

By PurelyCanadian | 18

#5867323 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:56

They're going places. Probably not to college - but places.

By Theglc20 | 27

#5867322 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:56

Good thing it want something like 'I love justin bieber'. They wouldnt have have been able to repeat without sobbing

COMMENTS

By Theglc20 | 27

#5867322 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:56

Good thing it want something like 'I love justin bieber'. They wouldnt have have been able to repeat without sobbing

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5867340 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:24

Everyone is saying to send him back to Canada. But even we aren't that mean. The Canadians have been nothing but kind to us, they don't deserve that.

Reply

penguinhalo | 21

#5867364 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:12

Wrong, they also sent us nickleback.

Reply

Queensland | 27

#5867393 - Monday 24 February 2014 14:14

At least Nickelback is out of the picture now and don't prance around looking like a tiny fairy swag fag and get done for DUIs and speeding.

Reply

JMichael | 25

#5867515 - Monday 24 February 2014 17:37

45- some people think their music is terrible.

Reply

itsalanis | 24

#5867610 - Monday 24 February 2014 18:35

Well, ever since we lost that hockey game, USA versus Canada, in the Olympics, the wager was whomever loses keeps Beiber.

Reply

then000bster | 16

#5867750 - Monday 24 February 2014 20:34

Should not be drinking anything while reading fmls

Reply

IDontKnowWhoIAm04 | 24

#5869188 - Wednesday 26 February 2014 5:58

Please deport him to his real home. Hell. Wait... How about the bottom of the ocean. Sharkeisha can beat the shit out of him there.

By PurelyCanadian | 18

#5867323 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ChenEighty | 20

#5867345 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:33

Way to copy a comment from 3 FMLs ago.

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5867346 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:34

I was thinking it, I was just too lazy to call her out on it.

Reply

Emmiii_fml | 18

#5867360 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:03

Yeah.. This comment would have been funny if you actually made it up yourself...

Reply

airhead2015 | 18

#5867367 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:18

#19, 3 F MLs ago? More like half a year ago... at least!

Reply

ChenEighty | 20

#5867369 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:21

No, 27, 3 FMLs ago. The one with the kid that made the dick out of play doh, comment 6

Reply

kaablam | 17

#5867385 - Monday 24 February 2014 14:01

This phrase wasn't even coined on fml, sorry guys.

Reply

PurelyCanadian | 18

#5867408 - Monday 24 February 2014 15:24

What #32 said .. I love how quickly everyone is to jump down my throat, though. :) Maybe it seemed so familiar because I recently read it on FML. Maybe that was the case. Don't know - don't care.

Reply

allie2590 | 30

#5867431 - Monday 24 February 2014 16:08

Oh who cares? Seriously.

Reply

hashshim | 21

#5867660 - Monday 24 February 2014 19:14

You guys must be new to the Internet. That phrase has been used hundreds of times already, it was not made up 3 FMLs ago.

By HanselF | 7

#5867324 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:56

makes me quite happy I have no brothers!

By AUShano | 15

#5867326 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:58

Did you write any of it down on your notes?

Because it would be rather unfortunate if you were to subconsciously remember and write one of the chants down for the actual test answers....

By 712sash | 25

#5867327 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:59

Your brother and his mates sound quite immature. Hope you do/did well in the test :)

Reply

BillMurray_fml | 12

#5867480 - Monday 24 February 2014 16:43

Oh come on. Just try saying dick nipples out loud without smiling!

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5867328 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:59

You cannot win this game against your brother.

By Stazza11 | 27

#5867330 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:02

At least they were not annoying you :D

Reply

PurelyCanadian | 18

#5867343 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:28

That's exactly what they were doing.

Reply

ChelzTheWolfGirl | 29

#5867344 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:31

I think the whole point of this FML was that they WERE annoying her. She was trying to study, and her brother and his friends were yelling "Dick nipples." I'd call that annoying.

Reply

thereal_BA | 5

#5867692 - Monday 24 February 2014 19:36

It's amazing how much sarcasm and joking is lost on the FML community

Reply

Raidriar | 14

#5969130 - Sunday 8 June 2014 22:21

You can't make a bad comment then whine and say "it's sarcasm!!"

By warsun | 27

#5867331 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:04

Hmmmmmm is it weird that the first thing I saw in this FML was the words dick nipples?

Reply

leonchen7498 | 12

#5867335 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:09

because its written in caps maybe?

By Michael903 | 18

#5867332 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:05

It sucks that you were trying to study but it sounds like they were having a good time! I hope you were able to study well.....ear plugs?

By edward80 | 18

#5867334 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:08

Queef ! :D

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5867338 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:17

Testicals.

Reply

rgearon | 8

#5867351 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:48

*testicles

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5867357 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:59

Thanks for the correction. It's really early. Still, not sure how I let that typo get by.