Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his... - FML

By DIY560 - 24/2/2014 03:59 - United States - Ambler

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

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Fear factor

Who's a good boy?

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Bellend - 21/2/2012 07:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed a flash car badly parking itself in a handicapped space. I hate the asshats who do this, so I went up to berate the driver. After an opening salvo of coarse language, a glint of light on his wheelchair in the back caught my eye. I then had to apologise for being a shitehawk. FML

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By itsawonderfulife - 23/2/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I was walking around my new school trying to figure out where to go. Then I realized I was talking to myself. Out loud. FML

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By Rakib - 31/8/2015 17:17 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I put aside my weekend plans to help my aunt with the extermination guy spraying her new house down to prevent cockroaches. After he left, my aunt asked me to go in and turn off the lights because the fumes were very deadly. If I chose not to, she would tell my mom I did nothing all day. FML

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By anonymous - 23/1/2012 15:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me we've just been fuck buddies for the entire year we've been "together." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't working up the courage to propose to her on our anniversary. FML

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By beleria - 23/4/2012 22:41 - United States

Today, I went grocery shopping. As I was leaning in to pick up some produce, someone viciously slapped me on the butt. I whirled around and nobody was anywhere in sight. Now I'm starting to worry that I'm losing my mind. FML

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By Not Engaged - 6/3/2015 23:30 - United Kingdom - Stourbridge

Today, my long-term boyfriend said that if we ever finally get married, his ex-girlfriend will definitely have to be a bridesmaid. FML

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By Vlen - 24/5/2015 02:38 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I sleep during the day because I work nights. My neighbors have a very loud wedding and reception in their backyard including a live mariachi band. FML

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By TeddyBearKiller - 7/10/2013 01:11 - United States

Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML

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By nocanhaz - 16/8/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

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By phones - 16/1/2015 17:09 - United States

Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML

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By unwanted - 24/12/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 17:41 - Canada

Today, my young daughter came up to me, grabbed my face and said, "I'm putting you in the garbage." When I laughed and asked why, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "You are trash." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 05:51 - United States - Waco

Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML

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By murp - 18/10/2012 16:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went out for a few drinks with some friends. All night, I kept smiling and showing off my newly brace-free teeth. Later on, one of my friends drunkly asked, "Why does she keep smiling? Her teeth are fucking jacked." FML

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By hairdresser - 9/3/2013 09:05 - Australia

Today, my boss told me that, while he respects the fact that I have my own style, I have to stop wearing "that hideous wig" because apparently, it "makes the clientele uncomfortable". I don't have a wig. It's my natural hair. FML

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By caughtorangehanded - 1/10/2010 22:12 - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2020 20:00

Waste moment

Today, I went out drinking with my friends and my boyfriend met me there. We decided then to come home and planned an intimate moment. I got on top of him and went to kiss his neck. Next thing I know, I fell asleep right before we started. FML

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By Erica - 8/7/2013 17:27 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my boyfriend and I were out cliff jumping, when for the first time, he told me he loved me. I panicked and pushed him over the edge and into the water. He's now in hospital. FML

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By IHateSchool-.- - 11/12/2014 23:13 - United States

Today, I asked my teacher how old he was, and jokingly I said, "50?" Then he chuckled, so I laughed and said, "I was kidding… 42, 43, 44?" He then looked at me and said, "Are you trying to guess my age, or your grade percent in this class?" FML

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By shouldabeenapornstar - 17/3/2010 15:46 - United States

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

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By boblaj - 22/5/2012 16:11 - United Kingdom - Hastings

Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML

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By abygalee - 10/7/2016 20:42 - United States - Akron

Today, my mom hadn't talked to me for 5 days, so worried sick I called my grandpa. She's been in jail, and no one cared to inform me. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 17:00

Nutters Inc.

Today, I bumped into a lady, apologised and tried to continue on. She screamed assault and tried to citizen's arrest me. I've got better things to do, so I ignored her but she latched onto my leg like a toddler. I ended up dragging this insane woman up the street until she finally let go. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2019 05:15

What is the real feeling?

Today, my friends and I were acting out porn scenes without sex. Then, I realized that we all watch too much porn, and we are still all virgins. FML

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By human - 21/6/2019 00:01

Today, I had a dream in which I was eating vast quantities of pizza, cookies, and pastries. I became so anxious about all the calories that I woke up. Even in my dreams I'm self conscious about my diet. FML

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By - 27/1/2017 02:00

Today, I saw my little brother drink from the milk carton, gag, and spit the milk back in. FML

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By poophead - 30/5/2015 02:39 - Philippines

Today, I went to a fancy beauty parlor to prepare for my sister's birthday party. The minute I stepped out of the salon, with my hair beautifully trimmed and curled, a bird decided to use it as a toilet. FML

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By Heavy D - 6/9/2012 13:45 - United States

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

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By Sunshine.0.ninja - 29/7/2010 18:28 - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven't sent him any. Ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2010 08:09 - United States

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 16:29

Today, I dyed my hair for the first time. It turned out great, and I couldn't wait to show it off during my night out with my friends. Everyone was so shocked or disgusted, I ended up claiming I lost a bet. FML

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By Sasquatch - 2/11/2017 22:14

Today, while showering, I noticed a spider drowning in the bath. Spiders gross me out but I felt a moral duty to save it. Reluctantly, I scooped it up and carried it to safety. Then I realised it was my housemate's pubes. FML

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By Freebie - 17/6/2017 06:00 - United States - Altoona

Today, marks the third month that I have not received payment for work I did on web pages for a hospital chain. They owe me over $1,000. It will cost twice that to get a lawyer to force them to pay me what I'm owed. FML

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By Yousaidyouweremoving - 11/12/2016 16:23 - United States

Today, I saw my ex-boyfriend at Wal-Mart. This would have been fine had he not broken up with me because he was "moving to Canada." FML

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By bym - 13/10/2008 08:23

Today, I got braces fitted. For the next two years, I'll be the most handsome guy on earth. FML

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By mydadforgetsme - 4/11/2015 17:26 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 17:31 - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

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By workaholic - 17/11/2010 07:34

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2011 11:17 - Canada

Today, my mother, her fiancé, and I were having dinner together. My mother was joking that she wasn't sure she could hold him down, as he used to "get around." She turned to talk to the waiter and my future step-father looked me up and down and winked. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2009 00:11 - Canada

Today, as I was walking towards my friends at the bus stop, a man came up to me and asked me out. This was the first time I'd be asked out in months. I accepted. When I reached my friends they looked at me then asked, "Why were you talking to that homeless guy?". FML

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Top comments

By PurelyCanadian | 18

#5867323 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:56

They're going places. Probably not to college - but places.

By Theglc20 | 27

#5867322 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:56

Good thing it want something like 'I love justin bieber'. They wouldnt have have been able to repeat without sobbing

Comments

By Theglc20 | 27

#5867322 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:56

Good thing it want something like 'I love justin bieber'. They wouldnt have have been able to repeat without sobbing

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5867340 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:24

Everyone is saying to send him back to Canada. But even we aren't that mean. The Canadians have been nothing but kind to us, they don't deserve that.

Reply

penguinhalo | 21

#5867364 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:12

Wrong, they also sent us nickleback.

Reply

Queensland | 27

#5867393 - Monday 24 February 2014 14:14

At least Nickelback is out of the picture now and don't prance around looking like a tiny fairy swag fag and get done for DUIs and speeding.

Reply

JMichael | 25

#5867515 - Monday 24 February 2014 17:37

45- some people think their music is terrible.

Reply

itsalanis | 24

#5867610 - Monday 24 February 2014 18:35

Well, ever since we lost that hockey game, USA versus Canada, in the Olympics, the wager was whomever loses keeps Beiber.

Reply

then000bster | 16

#5867750 - Monday 24 February 2014 20:34

Should not be drinking anything while reading fmls

Reply

IDontKnowWhoIAm04 | 24

#5869188 - Wednesday 26 February 2014 5:58

Please deport him to his real home. Hell. Wait... How about the bottom of the ocean. Sharkeisha can beat the shit out of him there.

By PurelyCanadian | 18

#5867323 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ChenEighty | 20

#5867345 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:33

Way to copy a comment from 3 FMLs ago.

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5867346 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:34

I was thinking it, I was just too lazy to call her out on it.

Reply

Emmiii_fml | 18

#5867360 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:03

Yeah.. This comment would have been funny if you actually made it up yourself...

Reply

airhead2015 | 18

#5867367 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:18

#19, 3 F MLs ago? More like half a year ago... at least!

Reply

ChenEighty | 20

#5867369 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:21

No, 27, 3 FMLs ago. The one with the kid that made the dick out of play doh, comment 6

Reply

kaablam | 17

#5867385 - Monday 24 February 2014 14:01

This phrase wasn't even coined on fml, sorry guys.

Reply

PurelyCanadian | 18

#5867408 - Monday 24 February 2014 15:24

What #32 said .. I love how quickly everyone is to jump down my throat, though. :) Maybe it seemed so familiar because I recently read it on FML. Maybe that was the case. Don't know - don't care.

Reply

allie2590 | 30

#5867431 - Monday 24 February 2014 16:08

Oh who cares? Seriously.

Reply

hashshim | 21

#5867660 - Monday 24 February 2014 19:14

You guys must be new to the Internet. That phrase has been used hundreds of times already, it was not made up 3 FMLs ago.

By HanselF | 7

#5867324 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:56

makes me quite happy I have no brothers!

By AUShano | 15

#5867326 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:58

Did you write any of it down on your notes?

Because it would be rather unfortunate if you were to subconsciously remember and write one of the chants down for the actual test answers....

By 712sash | 25

#5867327 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:59

Your brother and his mates sound quite immature. Hope you do/did well in the test :)

Reply

BillMurray_fml | 12

#5867480 - Monday 24 February 2014 16:43

Oh come on. Just try saying dick nipples out loud without smiling!

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5867328 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:59

You cannot win this game against your brother.

By Stazza11 | 27

#5867330 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:02

At least they were not annoying you :D

Reply

PurelyCanadian | 18

#5867343 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:28

That's exactly what they were doing.

Reply

ChelzTheWolfGirl | 29

#5867344 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:31

I think the whole point of this FML was that they WERE annoying her. She was trying to study, and her brother and his friends were yelling "Dick nipples." I'd call that annoying.

Reply

thereal_BA | 5

#5867692 - Monday 24 February 2014 19:36

It's amazing how much sarcasm and joking is lost on the FML community

Reply

Raidriar | 14

#5969130 - Sunday 8 June 2014 22:21

You can't make a bad comment then whine and say "it's sarcasm!!"

By warsun | 27

#5867331 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:04

Hmmmmmm is it weird that the first thing I saw in this FML was the words dick nipples?

Reply

leonchen7498 | 12

#5867335 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:09

because its written in caps maybe?

By Michael903 | 18

#5867332 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:05

It sucks that you were trying to study but it sounds like they were having a good time! I hope you were able to study well.....ear plugs?

By edward80 | 18

#5867334 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:08

Queef ! :D

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5867338 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:17

Testicals.

Reply

rgearon | 8

#5867351 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:48

*testicles

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5867357 - Monday 24 February 2014 12:59

Thanks for the correction. It's really early. Still, not sure how I let that typo get by.