Intimacy: Today, I was trying to convince my flatmate to agree to let me... - FML

24/09/2012 23:12 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Spicy

Today, I was trying to convince my flatmate to agree to let me get us a kitten. After gushing about how cute they are, and showing her loads of pictures, she just stared at me and said, "You really need a penis inside you now and again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 719

You deserved it 23 375

Age difference

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Stop talking!

07/05/2011 06:08 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 483

You deserved it 62 174

06/08/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. I was screaming and writhing in pain, and my eyes were shut for most of the ride to the hospital. We stopped, and I was thrilled because I thought we were at the ER. I was wrong. My dad had stopped to order a cheeseburger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 125

You deserved it 4 824

02/05/2013 06:29 - United States

Today, a friend and I were walking around a festival when out of nowhere a giant bug hit me in the face. I went into instant ninja mode, screaming and flailing. When I stopped, I realized it was just a leaf and everyone was staring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 022

You deserved it 17 833

20/03/2016 05:13 - United States - Boise

Today, my cat brought home a bloody, barely-living mouse. The thing managed to escape and dragged itself into a crack in the wall, where it must have died. The only way to get it out before it starts to stink up the place is by demolishing the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 769

You deserved it 1 674

26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 614

You deserved it 3 973

17/09/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 409

You deserved it 4 663

21/09/2016 16:55 - Australia - Watson

Today, my father threw out my $100 wedge of blue cheese because it "smelled funny". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 922

You deserved it 2 224

13/10/2011 19:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 118

You deserved it 4 229

30/04/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 445

You deserved it 20 804

11/01/2014 02:25 - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 879

You deserved it 9 583

18/03/2017 03:00 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, it's my first day at my new job. Unfortunately, I have a very bad cold. When my boss leaned in to show me something on the computer, I sneezed all over him. A hell of a first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 413

You deserved it 641

06/10/2015 20:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 913

You deserved it 2 261

23/08/2013 07:40

Today, my best friend actually had the audacity to try and one-up my suicide attempt story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 791

You deserved it 10 499

27/10/2013 19:52 - United States - Tacoma

Today, we found out that my unborn sibling is a girl, and my parents quickly named her. In a few years' time, "Candida" is going to catch all kinds of shit at school, just like I do for being named Dorothy. My "friends" have already started calling me "lil' yeast infection's sis". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 251

You deserved it 3 006

11/07/2019 14:00

Today, while bowling on a first date, the guy I ended things with 3 days before was bowling too. In the lane next to ours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 791

You deserved it 519

Roller coaster ride

By Anonymous - 28/09/2019 06:00 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I had had sex while sober for the first time in years. It was really awkward, bumpy, and I kept on apologizing for being so terrible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 1 638

26/04/2011 04:45 - Canada

Today, while buying groceries, I noticed that the lady in front of me had left a box behind. I grabbed the box and ran out the door after her. After turning around to find three employees chasing me, I noticed I had just stolen the donation box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 581

You deserved it 17 438

19/05/2012 08:03 - United Kingdom - Cranfield

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 522

You deserved it 4 526

05/07/2017 18:37

Today, my mom called me a "useless spoiled brat" because I refused to drive my sister across the city just to buy flavored gelatin. I've had Amoebic Dysentery for 3 days now and need constant bathroom access. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 550

You deserved it 321

10/11/2009 12:33 - Australia

Today, I decided to come clean with my daughter about her adoptive status within my family. Just after I told her she was adopted, I realized that I have been telling her stories about me giving birth to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 223

You deserved it 62 389

10/10/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 604

You deserved it 2 584

28/01/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 567

You deserved it 45 685

Lazy ass

By Anonymous - 23/04/2015 17:04 - United States - Cherry Hill

Spicy

Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 531

You deserved it 3 301

Big boomer energy

By Anonymous - 13/08/2020 20:06

Today, my father-in law-shared his opinion that autistic kids should be beaten until they act normal. He saw fit to share this while my autistic son was having a meltdown because my father-in-law came to the house without warning, and my son violently hates visitors without prior warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 327

You deserved it 242

12/09/2012 07:00 - United States - Valencia

Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 461

You deserved it 4 532

26/11/2010 00:55 - United States

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend telling me to be romantic, I decided to make a romantic bath for us, complete with oil bath beads. After we get ready to take the bath, she puts her hand in the water and says she won't get it because 'it feels slimy'. I enjoyed a romantic bath alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 223

You deserved it 3 952

17/08/2011 00:05 - Russian Federation

Today, I found out that I was moving to Germany. I'm going to be put back a year in school because of the system change. I also don't speak a word of German. Why? Because my mother wants to brag about this experience to her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 878

You deserved it 2 778

07/08/2012 17:59 - United States

Today, I found out why I can't sleep at night. My wife switched my sleep aid pills with energy pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 080

You deserved it 2 558

Aaand blocked.

By wtf fml - 20/03/2018 17:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 343

You deserved it 493

21/03/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, my friend and I thought it would be funny if we could both fit into her big sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably. We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 553

You deserved it 37 025

22/04/2015 15:06 - United States - Amherst

Today, my boss gave me the job of dealing with the guys doing the roofing at our store. His reasoning is that since we're all Hispanic, I'm perfect for the job because "You guys all know each other." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 421

You deserved it 2 720

The Voice

By legit247 - 10/05/2013 04:44 - United States - Moscow Mills

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was cleaning dishes in the back. I started to sing to myself. During the chorus I heard the echo of my voice in my ear. My boss had pushed the talk button on my headset so every staff member and everyone in the lobby could hear me over the intercom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 678

You deserved it 9 417

27/02/2016 22:59 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I let my estranged husband move back in with my son and me. Later, his pregnant and underage girlfriend knocked on my door, crying about how her mom kicked her out. I'm such a pushover, they're in my bed and I'm on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 263

You deserved it 28 744

12/09/2016 14:44 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I'm fostering a very shy cat who doesn't like to be held. I had to move the litter box to another room, but when I picked him up to show him where I'd moved it to, he peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 353

You deserved it 1 715

05/04/2009 19:11 - Canada

Today, the director of the play I'm in decided to explain why we got the parts we did. He said he tried matching our characters to who we actually are. I play a whore who's a transvestite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 772

You deserved it 6 629

31/01/2010 17:42 - United States

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 534

You deserved it 29 424

13/10/2014 00:38 - United States - Racine

Today, my son drank a bottle of hot sauce. It wasn't a dare, he actually thought that it would give him a fever so that he could skip school tomorrow. This idiot is 15 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 933

You deserved it 5 153

28/01/2011 15:43 - Canada

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 873

You deserved it 4 282

17/07/2013 14:20 - United States - Moline

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 462

You deserved it 4 384

21/03/2011 01:25 - United States

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 782

You deserved it 54 461

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 8:49

Don't listen to her. More pussy is always the answer.

nelds 12

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 8:48

Why not have both?

Comments

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 8:46

Hahaha :)

Brool_Story_Co 17

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 15:07

This looks like a lame attempt to be the first comment. Please try to comment something more imaginative than "hahaha :)" in the future.

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Wednesday 26 September 2012 0:04

I was laughing :)

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Wednesday 26 September 2012 1:36

*facedesk*

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 8:46

Sounds to me like she doesn't want you to grow old an be a lonely cat woman.

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 8:49

Edit: sorry for the redundancy...1 beat me to it lol

ChocolateScyther 19

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Friday 23 September 2016 19:04

well #1 doesn't exist anymore so you came back on top

Wreckless_fml 6

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 8:46

Nothing wrong with kittens.

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 8:58

Nothing wrong with a dick in her either!!!

mystashisgone 6

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:45

You're so unlucky that if it were raining pussy you would get hit in the face with a dick. Or maybe for you it's the other way around. I'm a guy so sometimes it's difficult to take my life lessons and turn then around for females...

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 14:01

Not till they transform into those stupid cats

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 23:22

Don't we all OP, don't we all?

nelds 12

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 8:48

Why not have both?

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:14

Getting cat dick inside of her? But cats are pussies. Quite the paradox, if you ask me.

BunchieRules 31

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 10:33

12 - According to a thread on another FML, the male cat has spikes on the penis. Ouch.

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 10:51

why not Zoidberg

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 13:14

30- That explains why only masochists go out me.

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 15:37

Like the taco commercial "porque no los dos?" ....... Hooray!

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 8:49

Don't listen to her. More pussy is always the answer.

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:00

Cats swerve you to the road of 'Mad Cat Lady'.

OuchAndGoodfight 5

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:01

Kittens will actually help you with that. It's been statistically been proven.

stevenJB 25

Tuesday 25 September 2012 15:52

Comment matches profile pic :3

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:10

Will you still think it's so cute when it's an adult? I hate when people get pets just because they're cute as babies.. they never want them when they're older

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:15

psh. I love my cat even if she is def and going crazy.

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:19

Yes. Nobody wants them once they get old. I can't tell you how many 6 month old puppies I've thrown in the garbage because they were just getting too darn old.

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 10:22

I just keep getting baby bunnies. You can cook 'em when you're finished with the little bastards.

SerendipityRose 26

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 11:50

I don't know why you're getting down voted. This is a serious issue. Our first kitty was a victim of this kind of callous behavior. We found him 3 days before our wedding in my In-Law's neighborhood. He was skin & bones & very skittish. The vet said that it was obvious he'd had a home (albeit a terrible one) until a week or 2 beforehand & told us the statistics of cats around his age just being dumped because they aren't kittens anymore. It's heartbreaking... I'm not saying this is the case with OP, as it just seemed to be a ploy to soften her roommate to the idea, but it is a real issue.

KunoKanashimi 3

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 13:16

My cat is fully grown and a huge asshole, but I still love him and think he's adorable.

outstandtacular 11

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 14:01

My adult cat is fabulous.

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 14:05

39 - how the hell can a cat turn into an asshole?

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 14:27

#44: Refer to your picture and you will get your answer.

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 17:14

I love cats, but I can only eat just one.

KagamineLen_fml 0

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 5:50

Just like your mom. She loved you as a kid but now that you're older, she didn't want you.

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:14

Sounds like a predickament OP

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:16

Don't listen to her OP! She just sounds like a bitch. It isn't the fact that she dislike kittens, it's the fact that she thinks that it's any of her business about your sex life. If I was your flatmate, I would of agreed with the kitten!

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 22:49

What did the kitten say that you agree with?

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 4

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 59

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 149