Work: Today, I was training for my new job at a restaurant. As part... - FML

By newhostess - United States

Today, I was training for my new job at a restaurant. As part of training, they give you free food so you know what to reccommend, and the dish I got was really good. Eight hours later I saw it again while I was puking; I got food poisoning from my own place of work. FML

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There's no helping some people

Late term

Ruined art

By EmbarrassedDaughter - Canada

Today, I was on my bed on top of my boyfriend when I lost my balance and fell. My father walked in the door to see what the noise was. I don't know what is more embarrassing, my father walking in, or him walking in saying "Thats an expensive bed." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in my front yard. As I stormed off in my dramatic exit, I realized I had locked myself outside. I had to ask my now ex-boyfriend to borrow his phone so I could call my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter decided to drench our carpets with water, to "make them grow like plants". She's 9. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, for reasons that I dare not ask, I received a topless selfie from my Nan followed quickly by a simple sorry text. Sorry is not going to pay for the years of therapy I need. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I began training my replacement at work. She's a senior citizen. She got excited when I taught her how to highlight text on the screen and double-click the mouse because she "never knew how to do those fancy tricks." The job is entirely computer-based. I have to train her for 6 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

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By Miss_Blaine - United States - Houston

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

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By inappropes

Start your Monday with a Song!

Today, I came into work early to clean equipment, with my headphones on, singing to myself. I lost track of time, and wound up with the entire office watching me belt tunes out. FML

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By Broke - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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By Olihime - United Kingdom

Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

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By metalmusic - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

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By Lmop68 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

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By GonnaGetFired - United States

Today, I found out that I made inappropriate sexual comments to my boss while I was drunk on Saturday night. She won't tell me what I said. She just laughs when she sees me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML

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By m - United States - South Whitley

Today, my mom's intense fear of tornadoes caused her to break into the bathroom, drag me off the toilet while I was changing my tampon, and drag me to the basement with my pants around my ankles to join my father, brother, and my brother's best friend. FML

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By Lucas - 14/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom

Smells like victory

Today, during oral sex, my wife squirted, which she’s never done before, and I was so surprised I accidentally breathed it straight up my nose. It’s been 3 hours and it’s still all I can smell FML

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By nicole - United States

Today, I saw a hot guy at the laundromat. Wanting an excuse to talk to him, I tossed a pair of my red underwear into his washer. What I didn't realize was that he was washing his whites. Thanks to me, he now has an entire load of pink shirts and boxers. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 03:00

Too much of a good thing

Today, I finally found a job as a secretary for a small film studio. The sets are in a soundproofed part of the building, but not for the typical reasons. Right through the wall is a pornography studio. It's all I'll hear from 8 to 5 every day. FML

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By Jeslyn03 - Canada

Today, I wandered around my property with my children, trying to find our escaped house cat. While in the more wooded parts, we spotted her on the ground, being picked over by a coyote. FML

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By oaksac191 - United States

Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML

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By love-shot - United States - Hays

Today, I discovered that when my crush leans in to kiss me, I get so nervous I throw up. Then throw up again thinking about how embarrassed I am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

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By NotSoFunnyNow

Today, I tried to get a funny reaction from my dogs with a fart, like I saw in a YouTube video. I shat my pants and the dogs didn't even notice. FML

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By Fatnotpregnant

Today, I now know why my new jeans are so comfy. They're maternity jeans. I thought the soft elastic in front was just for added comfort. Apparently, I need to lose some weight. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally told the girl I'm in love with how I've felt ever since we first met six years ago. She let me know that not only does she not feel the same way, she's always considered me a creep and only ever hung out with me because of our mutual friends. FML

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By storyofmylife - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. Everything was going perfectly, right up until he brought me back to his house to tell his family the good news. When I excused myself to the restroom, I overheard his mom say, "I thought you were going to break up with that stupid slut?" Welcome to the family. FML

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By HomeChump - United States - Chicago

Today, I was so proud I'd fixed the toilet with a hardware store part without even having to call a plumber. As I happily put the lid back on the tank, I dropped the lid, which broke the tank, spilling water everywhere. Now I need a new toilet, a new floor, and I have to call the plumber. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, tears and 3 hours on the toilet have made me reevaluate my desire for new culinary experiences. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Westerose

Today I started a new job, I found out that my employer doesn't follow the labour laws and my new co-workers are planning on reporting the owner of the company. The owner is my father, and I want to help them report him. FML

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By swervelol

Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML

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By DrySpellcaster - 7/10/2020 16:57

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex, even my wet dreams are about doing it solo. FML

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By anonymousyo - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

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By nikto

Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the first thing my fiancé did when he walked in the door was to loudly announce all the hot kinky stuff he was about to do to me on the kitchen table. Unfortunately for him my dad, mother and both my brothers had just dropped in for a visit and heard every word he said. FML

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By Oh_Well - United States

Today, I finally had time to talk with my boyfriend. We had a nice long conversation, which included him telling me how much I meant to him and that we really need to see each other more often. He concluded the speech twenty minutes later with "Which is why I really hope we can stay friends". FML

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By thegirlofthedad - India - Mumbai

Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML

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By Teste - Spain

Today, I passed by a cute girl who was staring intensely at me. When I glanced in her direction, she smiled. Taking this as a positive sign, I approached her. Before I could say anything, she handed me a flyer explaining the benefits of STD testing. Apparently, I look like I need it. FML

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By NoJob - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, I had my first interview. Everything was going well until I made him repeat his name numerous times, as I couldn't understand what he was saying due to his thick accent. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Boondall

Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML

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Top comments

By save_me_08 | 0

#103632 - Sunday 12 April 2009 2:38

No no you're looking at this all wrong. Now you know exactly what to recommend to that asshole obnoxious customer...

By klutzywriter | 0

#103156 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:48

Time to find a new job. You'd get fired anyway.
"What do you recommend?"
You: "Nothing! This place sucks!!! Run while you still can!!!"

COMMENTS

By perfectwinds | 0

#103014 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:26

I'd quit right there. Ick.

By TouchDown_fml | 0

#103024 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:27

Well I guess you now know what NOT to recommend:)

By perfectwinds | 0

#103042 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:30

I would quit if I were you. That's an awful first impression.

By KwitIt | 0

#103044 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:34

Ouch! How do you recommend the food after that? I'm so sorry! FYL!

By lifeislife_fml | 0

#103064 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:41

Agh that sucks! Ooh and I commented pretty early...

By KillEmAll83 | 0

#103073 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:40

I agree with #1, I would quit.

By housemd1120 | 0

#103083 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:22

That sucks. I would quit

Reply

Philosophic | 0

#927358 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 3:50

I would grow some balls, take the paycheck, and not eat their fucking food? Forgot where it's required to eat the food you serve...

Reply

blankaex | 0

#1037201 - Sunday 20 June 2010 16:33

I thought waiters recommend the expensive food or the food no one's ordered?

By BluEG0pher | 0

#103116 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:50

ouch.. i know how that feels

By Aflacduck | 0

#103123 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:39

Rofl!!

By AkihiroHattori5 | 0

#103128 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:52

I would've quit. It'll probably be closed down in the imminent future.