Work: Today, I was the waiter for my family at the village inn. This...

By alek - 14/07/2011 14:17 - United States

Today, I was the waiter for my family at the village inn. This wasn't so bad until I found out they left me no tip, only a napkin that said, "Get a haircut." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 717

You deserved it 3 652

Work

Better off out

Hello, Goodbye

Bad Moon Rising

By itrustedsnapeallalong - 28/08/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, for the first time, I hugged the man I have been in love with for four years. It was a congratulatory hug at his wedding to my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 859

You deserved it 14 434

By Username - 28/02/2011 16:26

Today, my assistant manager was arguing with a customer. I interjected letting the customer know that "we want everything to be copacetic." After the customer left, I received a write up for using "big words." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 830

You deserved it 5 369

By pyroman1127 - 16/05/2011 19:34 - United States

Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love twinkies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 024

You deserved it 39 329

Deez nutz hurtz

By Anonymous - 11/03/2020 15:01

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 900

You deserved it 466

Ruining the moment

By Anali - 28/05/2021 04:01

Today, I saw the girl my ex cheated on me with had her baby. I wrote a comment on her photo about how the baby was a product of her affair with my ex. She disabled her comments and I kept getting DM’s about how I should, "stop being so negative." Apparently infidelity is not frowned upon these days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 559

You deserved it 1 556

By Doglover - 02/11/2017 14:00

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 831

You deserved it 929

By Anonymous - 22/06/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and I told him about the AnimeCon I'm attending, and that I wanted to go as Sailor Mars, he told me he had no idea what that was. After being mad for about ten minutes, I realized that I wanted to break up with him over not knowing what Sailor Moon was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 994

You deserved it 84 380

By "ZeroG57" - 04/05/2017 14:00

Today my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement". Yup, it's a cult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 118

You deserved it 465

By Anonymous - 16/02/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I had an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it. I'm extremely allergic to peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 886

You deserved it 3 969

By Anonymous - 30/09/2013 10:30 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I was in a public bathroom with the runs when I noticed my stall didn't have any toilet paper. I was the only one in the bathroom, and I thought I could make it to the stall next to me and grab some with my pants down. I wasn't actually the only one in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 521

You deserved it 9 132

By broke - 22/05/2017 14:00

Today, I got better sleep in my 30-year-old compact car with it being 40 degrees outside than I did in my bed. Got something to look forward to, as I'll be homeless soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 353

You deserved it 317

By cane - 05/03/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 172

You deserved it 65 319

By KWM - 12/02/2009 13:28 - United States

Today, I shook hands with a girl and held onto her hand while telling her she had very tiny, delicate hands. When I let go to look at them, I discovered she only had two fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 110

You deserved it 38 984

By skid - 02/06/2015 14:59 - United States - Champaign

Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 996

You deserved it 3 092

By titov - 10/01/2009 14:41 - France

Today, I got my stuff together before leaving to take the bus: cigarettes, newspaper, mobile phone and the trash. I took me at least 5 minutes in the bus to realize that I was travelling with the trash on my knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 990

You deserved it 7 097

By Ndanick1193 - 17/10/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I found out that if you let your son install a new shower head, he won't tighten it properly. So when you turn the shower on, it will shoot out at rocket speed, hitting you in the face. Then when you grab the shower handle to prevent yourself falling backwards, you will just rip that out and hit your head again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 246

You deserved it 5 286

By Diana - 05/07/2018 01:30

Today, I gave birth to my first son. He was 11 pounds and the labour lasted 22 hours. My husband was absent for 8 of those hours because he slipped when my water broke, cracked his head, and ended up in the ER next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 777

You deserved it 352

By MarchingNightmare - 16/01/2019 22:00 - United States - Hendersonville

Today, I have had 4 nosebleeds. Four of them, full-on, almost passing out nosebleeds. It's only noon. I think I need to see a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 532

You deserved it 208

By teejayrn - 15/12/2012 11:48 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 486

You deserved it 2 433

By Anonymous - 12/04/2019 20:00

Today, I dreamt I had a secret admirer whom I met in person. She had red hair, a plus size body and a beautiful smile. This would've been great if it weren't for the fact I was a straight woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 355

By Anonymous - 06/12/2013 21:37 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my boyfriend and I took a nap, fully clothed. I woke up to him panicking. He'd had a wet dream and was scared that his sperm somehow swam through several layers of clothing and got me pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 939

You deserved it 5 974

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 16:44 - France

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 489

You deserved it 4 068

By Anonymous - 04/12/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 599

You deserved it 2 815

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 18:47 - Ireland

Today, I was taking my architecture project to school. I'd spent days preparing my little model house. I stepped outside with it in my hand, and right at that moment a gust of wind ripped it away. It's currently lying in my neighbour's garden, smashed to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 506

You deserved it 4 094

By Anonymous - 15/01/2011 01:05 - United States

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 433

You deserved it 32 182

By Monique - 10/04/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, my head has been killing me. I've had the worst headache ever. Happy that I could finally sleep, I plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 052

You deserved it 10 768

By ouch - 07/04/2015 01:51 - United States - Union City

Today, I stopped to replace a stuffed bear that had fallen from a small memorial for a girl killed nearby. Her mom happened to walk by and thought I was stealing it. She hit me with her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 480

You deserved it 2 458

By FunFun in the Sun - 16/03/2016 14:51 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I'm on spring break on a tropical island, visiting family I hadn't seen in years. They invited me out to eat, and won't take no for an answer. All of this would be wonderful, if it weren't for the fact that I've been vomiting to the point of expelling bile and dry heaving for the last two days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 209

You deserved it 1 301

By blk8764 - 15/03/2011 22:35 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said, "Why can't every guy be as handsome as you?" I would have been flattered by the comment, if I was a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 499

You deserved it 4 761

Dared

By Anonymous - 27/09/2019 02:01

Today, I was dared to stand and hold a sign saying, "Free Hugs." This girl I'd never seen before gave me a crushing hug and cried hysterically on my shoulder in the blazing afternoon sun. I couldn't get her off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 1 084

By NewRoommateNeededASAP - 13/10/2016 01:29 - United States

Today, I skipped class and went to back my apartment early. I found that my roommate had broken into my room and was laying in my bed wearing my underwear, taking pictures of herself. Apparently, she's been doing it all semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 544

You deserved it 734

By rejectedson - 15/10/2009 23:23 - United States

Today, my father got married. He left me a voicemail to tell me all about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 588

You deserved it 2 242

By IGOTIT - 05/09/2013 07:24 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 387

You deserved it 3 543

By Anonymous - 17/11/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, I began training my replacement at work. She's a senior citizen. She got excited when I taught her how to highlight text on the screen and double-click the mouse because she "never knew how to do those fancy tricks." The job is entirely computer-based. I have to train her for 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 625

You deserved it 2 720

Bourbon voyage

By SirSteamLocomotive - 24/08/2021 22:00

Today, I'd been saving for months to go on a whiskey tour of Kentucky. Eight distilleries. My wife signed up for an online university. The tuition is covered. But, do you know what isn't covered? The books. The laptop. Getting internet for the house. Goodbye whiskey; hello university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 481

You deserved it 857

By Liav - 23/01/2017 12:00

Today, I took my "girlfriend" to a nice restaurant to celebrate our first month anniversary, only to find out she didn't even know we're dating, but only "friends who have sex sometimes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 797

You deserved it 1 654

By monty - 09/03/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my mom's coworkers two little boys. they went to bed around 9 and I was watching a movie on HBO. I fell asleep before the movie was over. I woke up to the parents walking into the house. I looked at the TV, and porn was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 211

You deserved it 13 348

Spider-Maaaaaaan

By 8 Legs plus 1 - 08/05/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She went to the bathroom momentarily, only to be greeted by a 'huge' spider, which disappeared under a cabinet. Due to her chronic arachnophobia, this instantly turned her off and caused her paranoia all night. I essentially got cock-blocked by a spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 800

You deserved it 243

By baller12 - 03/02/2009 15:25 - United States

Today, I finally got the guts to walk out of class 30 min. early only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat sat down and unpacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 224

You deserved it 38 293

By melonhead77 - 29/03/2012 11:46 - Cyprus

Today, I got so bored that I ordered my DVD drawer from awesomest to non-awesomest. I need a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 886

You deserved it 6 806

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Top comments

aardvarks 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 18:45

that seems like a good tip to me.

JennaMason 6

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Thursday 14 July 2011 19:00

TAKE THE ADVICE.

aardvarks 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 18:45

that seems like a good tip to me.

whyXD 12

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Thursday 14 July 2011 19:14

The truth hurts and also no tip from your family.

baddud300 6

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Thursday 14 July 2011 19:19

At least it was your family and not some random strangers?

max_wilder 9

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Thursday 14 July 2011 19:55

chase them into the parking lot and throw coffee mugs at them

Merylwen 24

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Thursday 14 July 2011 21:27

It is a tip. Just not the kind of tip he was expecting.

dolphincheddar 10

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Friday 15 July 2011 1:27

monica lewinski didn't get the tip she wanted either, but you take what you can get

justynicole 0

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Friday 15 July 2011 1:32

yay I moderated this one :)

StopDropNRoll 11

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Friday 15 July 2011 15:25

Is this fml posted twice?

NoodleBurger 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 12:17

so, get a hair cut.

melharris 0

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Sunday 17 July 2011 16:00

if they want u to get a hair cut, they should have left u a big enough tip to pay for the hair cut in my opinion..

ArentICute 0

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Wednesday 20 July 2011 5:53

To the barber shop we go!

saIty 17

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Thursday 14 July 2011 18:49

I would've built a human sculpture with the ear wax, but that's just me. Whatever floats his boat.

OutlawISaBEAST 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 18:51

WTF R U talking about?

saIty 17

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Thursday 14 July 2011 18:52

Oh, wrong FML...

darkness4dummies 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 18:50

that sucks man how long is your hair?

lcecreamNSadness 2

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Thursday 14 July 2011 23:38

And I thought a 'Waiter with long hair' was an Oxymoron!

Forlorn420 9

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Friday 29 June 2012 9:32

Long hair don't care

sxe_beast 11

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Thursday 14 July 2011 18:50

Its unprofessional to have untidy/messy hair. I say YDI.

Bright_Lights 14

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Friday 15 July 2011 8:16

I disagree.

astarazhna 1

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Sunday 17 July 2011 22:26

I agree with this disagreement.

medhibrunot 0

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Monday 25 July 2011 3:47

I also disagree I think tht some types of long messy hair are attractive which makes me want to tip the waiter more

DeathBunny218 36

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Thursday 14 July 2011 18:57

i'd say that's something most families with a sense of humour would do, try to see the funny side

JennaMason 6

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Thursday 14 July 2011 19:00

TAKE THE ADVICE.

Shayton 12

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Thursday 14 July 2011 23:58

8 - you are pretty

Boomer21 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 19:01

Well actually OP they DID leave a tip. In all seriousness though FYL.

angeluscado 15

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Thursday 14 July 2011 19:08

Well, it *is* a tip. Just not the monetary kind :P

PushBarToOpen 5

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Thursday 14 July 2011 19:11

oh no mommy and daddy didn't give you a few dollars for bringing them their food. I doubt you tipped them when they brought you meals every day, so get over it!

MrSassypants 32

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Thursday 14 July 2011 19:19

How weird would it be tipping your parents for bringing home pizza bagels, or making food for you? It actually might be offensive. Mom-"Here's your food pumpkin." Son-"Thanks." *Slips a 5 dollar bill into her shirt* "Go by yourself something nice."