Love: Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our...

By youfuckingdumbassmum - 27/12/2012 23:20 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 626

You deserved it 4 874

Love

The smell detective is on the case

Empathy lives

You have mail!

High school drama

By Anonymous - 16/07/2020 20:04

Today, I found out the promise ring my boyfriend of 4 months gave me used to be his ex-girlfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 201

By likeyourboss - 04/10/2013 16:05 - Denmark

Today, I went to the gym. I tried out a new machine where you do one-arm weightlifting. I took my time to get into a good position, then set the machine to the lowest weight possible. I couldn't even lift it an inch. A bunch of buff guys nearby saw me and burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 645

You deserved it 5 928

By sobusy - 25/09/2015 17:47 - United States - Romeoville

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 649

You deserved it 1 737

By holy - 21/10/2009 21:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my brother to piss off. He decided to do exactly that, from the balcony onto my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 031

You deserved it 33 356

By anonymous - 02/10/2016 06:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to shower together, things were getting heated until we actually got into the shower and found my roommates fingernail clippings all over the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 052

You deserved it 1 128

By cmart_9 - 29/10/2013 04:24 - United States - Clayton

Today, my girlfriend got a detention for public display of affection. We go to different schools. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 122

You deserved it 4 458

By Anonymous - 15/02/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He let me know by shaving "CYA" into my dog's fur and then moving out before I got home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 805

You deserved it 2 768

By Anonymous - 15/02/2011 19:28 - United States

Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 094

You deserved it 14 241

By Anonymous - 13/10/2009 16:00 - United States

Today, I finished moving to my new apartment that is 45 minutes away from my old one because my workplace would be closer. I then get a phone call from my boss telling me that he will transfer me to another workplace (closer to my old apartment). FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 772

You deserved it 2 394

By mehdi - 13/10/2008 08:20

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326 448

You deserved it 33 687

By Crushed - 07/07/2019 12:00

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip, just so that she wouldn't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 539

You deserved it 276

By lk07 - 12/07/2019 16:00

Today, when I bent down to get something off a low shelf at the grocery store, I felt my shorts split wide open at the butt. All my husband did was make jokes about "that's not how you do the splits." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 444

You deserved it 213

By JellitonOctopus - 25/01/2012 04:51 - United States

Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 933

You deserved it 2 644

By Anonymous - 24/09/2015 17:07 - United States - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 449

You deserved it 6 044

By I keep failing it all - 02/06/2013 19:45 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my dad found the Father's Day present that I spent at least ten hours preparing and decorating. I'd expected him to be extremely happy about this lovely gift. His only reaction was to ask if he could exchange it for something else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 857

You deserved it 3 935

By poisonivyretard - 04/06/2013 17:15 - United States - Narragansett

Today, I took a dump in the woods at a secluded lake. I used the leaves of a seemingly harmless tree to clean myself. However, I was unaware that the leaf was poisonous. It feels like a thousand hornets are attacking my ass-crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 507

You deserved it 51 897

Golden

By Anonymous - 24/11/2021 20:01

Today, one of the dogs I’m walking stops to sniff something, then raises his leg to pee on it. The other dog, wanting to sniff that same spot, then goes and sticks his head right under his buddy’s raised leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 113

By Anonymous - 13/07/2013 04:37 - Canada - Kinburn

Today, I was doing a demonstration in front of my taekwondo class because I'm flexible. Really flexible. I kneed myself in the face and broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 515

You deserved it 10 812

By concertqueen - 27/08/2011 22:40 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. The music was great, but the drunk guys behind me made it hard to pay attention. Half way through the second act, one of them took it upon themselves to start peeing on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 469

You deserved it 2 749

By Danners88 - 11/11/2009 04:36 - Australia

Today, I was at a Remembrance Day service when an old widow told me I had my "grandad's" medals on the wrong side of my coat. I told her that I was an Afghanistan veteran and that they were mine. She then berated me in front of the WHOLE service for "lying". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 295

You deserved it 2 831

Hey! Teachers! Leave those kids alone!

By Anonymous - 24/09/2021 13:58

Today, while grading my kindergarteners' spelling tests, one kid spelled all the words wrong, including his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 776

You deserved it 162

This is America

By AngryBlackMan - 03/02/2021 21:30 - United States

Today, I'm a gay, black man who moved to a racist, mainly white, homophobic town for work. I've already had the cops called on me twice, and a group of teens yelled the f-slur at me unprompted. When I asked my boss if I could swap, he threatened to fire me. This is gonna be a long 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 339

You deserved it 195

By Stupid Drunk - 22/12/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I was drunk at a party and confessed my love for my crush and told her how I felt. According to my friends, I made out with another girl not long after my confession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 036

You deserved it 49 429

By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 02:47 - United States - Apollo

Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 347

You deserved it 7 775

By Anonymous - 01/08/2015 03:39 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told her I had to go because I had an appointment at the clinic. For some reason, she assumed I was talking about an abortion clinic, and started raging at me and calling me a murderer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 410

You deserved it 1 904

By FlabbyPants - 06/01/2015 02:51 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 656

You deserved it 6 411

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retrieve it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 915

You deserved it 38 973

By broken - 23/09/2016 01:52 - United States - Arcata

Today, the guy I'm seeing told me, "I've always loved you as a person.... but not in any other way." While he was inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 990

You deserved it 1 064

By Kristopher - 08/03/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I moved into my aunt's house. She had a little too much fun in the sixties and now tells everyone about her many imagined conquests, including her church minister and several has-been celebrities. As a plus, I discovered she has a habit of wandering around the house in the nude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 555

You deserved it 3 510

Restrictions

By TheHam - 05/09/2019 18:00 - Sweden

Today, the school called my dad telling him they want to put me on a diet, because they're worried about my weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 591

By Iamfurios - 12/12/2016 18:43

Today one of my flatmates told the rest of us to stop using the toilet after 10pm cause he's a light sleeper and the flushing noise wakes him up. After arguing about it, he gave us his 'permission' to use the toilet, but only if we don't flush until the next day. Guess who is always the first to wake up? FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 481

You deserved it 693

By flipraff101 - 14/10/2009 09:20 - Australia

Today, I was at home and my boyfriend called me and said that I'd left my G-string at his house. I only have one G-string and I was wearing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 913

You deserved it 2 742

By Pukey - 28/03/2015 21:30 - United States

Today, my older brother puked in the sound hole of my sister's guitar. He blamed it on me, and in revenge my sister beat me with the guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 538

You deserved it 2 182

Check your head

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 20:00

Today, I had a real coffee again after being sick for two weeks. It didn't taste so good, though. Just like the one I had yesterday. Well, I thought, maybe my taste has changed? Maybe I just need to get used to it again? No, it was just that the milk had gone bad three days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 099

You deserved it 845

Oedipus Rex

By Anonymous - 19/03/2020 18:00

Today, my mother started arguing with me once again about how my life revolves around my girlfriend and how it's unhealthy to spend so much time with her. We live together and are engaged to be married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 838

You deserved it 144

By Infadel - 22/07/2014 21:55 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 771

You deserved it 10 485

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 15:52 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 495

You deserved it 5 661

By Bullocks - 27/04/2012 05:49 - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not by any sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 172

You deserved it 4 426

By Sir Vom-a-lot - 14/06/2012 16:28 - United Kingdom - West Drayton

Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 580

You deserved it 6 569

By CA19oo - 20/03/2012 01:03 - United States - Buford

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 679

You deserved it 2 062

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