Animals: Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly...

By dooommage - 15/11/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 039

You deserved it 14 961

Animals

Weird reason to leave, but OK

The smell detective is on the case

Sorry…

By Anonymous - 04/12/2014 19:33 - United States

Today, on a dimly lit red eye flight, I woke up to see my mom's head bobbing up and down in my dad's lap. I guess giving out stealthy blow jobs next to your sleeping son is no big deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 486

You deserved it 3 276

By Vince - 09/12/2011 19:38 - Canada

Today, I was cuddling up on the couch with my girlfriend, when my drunken mother walked in the room, slurred out, "Room for one more?" and leaped on top of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 997

You deserved it 3 214

By Mary - 10/07/2011 12:49 - United States

Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 253

You deserved it 6 785

By mraow123 - 30/05/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog but every time he looked like he was about to "go", he became uninterested with the spot and kept walking. I, following behind, tripped over a bump in the sidewalk and face planted. My dog then finally urinated, all over my aching body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 289

You deserved it 4 641

By schwange - 15/05/2010 17:07 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 924

You deserved it 3 874

By iLikeMyLegs - 09/05/2013 23:18 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 467

You deserved it 2 654

By Anonymous - 21/12/2016 05:35

Today, I got stood up by all five of my friends. I had to spend two hours getting hit on by a guy because I didn't feel safe to drive home. Their excuse? They didn't think I was serious when I said I was already at the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 346

You deserved it 740

By Anonymous - 19/08/2015 12:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my sister recorded the sound of me having intense diarrhea, retching at the stench, and eventually breaking down in tears. I only found out when I saw she'd posted it online, with the caption "lol #gaytard #sorrynotsorry". I've never been called a pussy by so many people before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 939

You deserved it 3 976

By Serire - 23/09/2014 00:23 - United States - Monroe

Today, my boyfriend couldn't go on a date with me because his mom said no. He's 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 164

You deserved it 5 177

By jonboy - 09/05/2009 20:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a new comfy duvet and pillow and was looking forward to a good night's sleep. I got into bed and was followed by my dog, who then threw up the tub of butter he had just stolen from the kitchen onto my brand new bed spread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 680

You deserved it 5 247

Anger management

By truecountrybitch - 09/05/2020 23:00

Today, my boyfriend got frustrated trying to take my entertainment center into the basement, for the kids' game room. It didn't fit, thanks to the horrible design of the house, so he Spartan-kicked it down, breaking it into 15 pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 470

You deserved it 195

By anonymous - 22/11/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 516

You deserved it 2 964

By winnerwinner - 02/05/2012 15:46 - United States

Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 708

You deserved it 6 820

By Sally - 17/01/2017 18:00

Today, I was heading out for lunch, and a co-worker asked me if I would pick up their pizza. I said yes, because, why not? Just as I arrived, they texted to inform me that the pizza was under the name "Anita Luong Duong". FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 240

You deserved it 755

Supportive

By bopbop - 20/05/2009 01:21 - United States

Today, my brother came out to our family as being gay. My mother starting crying because she "wanted grandchildren." I told her that I was planning on having children. She started crying harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 974

You deserved it 4 347

By Caci Johnson - 15/10/2017 04:30

Today, I sat down at my computer for the first time in a week, and discovered that my cat threw up all over my keyboard. I needed to write up an important document but the chunks were stuck down in the keys, effectively locking it up and making it useless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 574

You deserved it 591

By Anonymous - 04/02/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 794

You deserved it 7 387

Goodbye Bill

By faith - 16/06/2020 23:00

Today, I went to a restaurant to order food with just a $100 bill. They no longer had what I came for, so I left. When I got to my car, I realized - no bill. I went back in for them to say they hadn't seen it, and they wouldn’t check the cameras. I know the lady working there picked it up since I was the only customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 738

You deserved it 610

By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 20:35 - Netherlands

Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 612

You deserved it 5 538

By dany - 26/05/2012 19:34 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I discovered that when my professor had said "For every A there will be an F," he was deadly serious. I earned a 94% mark, which in this class is known as a D. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 800

You deserved it 2 147

By california - 14/03/2009 20:55 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and noticed a man in ripped clothes with a cup out asking for money. I was on my way to the movies but I felt like this man needed it more that me. Right as I gave it to him, he pulled out his blackberry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 380

You deserved it 17 762

By Anonymous - 03/03/2017 12:00

Today, I was stuck in a window seat next to the biggest/angriest man I've ever seen. During the trip I reached down to pick up what I thought was my pillow but instead managed to pull off his huge sock. Couldn't put it back so had to pretend I had no idea why he was glaring at me when he woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 836

You deserved it 942

By Nerrh - 12/03/2011 10:53 - Australia

Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 207

You deserved it 33 541

People of Walmart

By Anonymous - 21/01/2015 14:34 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a crazy old woman bitched me out for being pregnant. She kept following me around, calling me a stupid teen slut and saying she hoped my baby died so I could live a "normal life." I'm 26 and just very short. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 862

You deserved it 2 694

By jsalmons - 02/06/2011 17:39 - Germany

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 396

You deserved it 5 322

By al - 15/04/2012 03:02 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I had to admit that I hate the wedding dress that I've designed. My wedding is in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 058

You deserved it 30 509

By jello_bellied_snack_snapper - 23/04/2018 16:00

Today, my daughter was stung by a bark scorpion, requiring a visit to the ER. Luckily, we were seen quickly. Unfortunately, due to a new policy, the medicine used to treat the sting is not available for children as it "might" cause low blood pressure. Awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 995

You deserved it 216

By Anonymous - 24/06/2017 03:30 - India - Vijayawada

Today, it's my roommate's birthday. His friends were planning on a surprise birthday cake at midnight last night, and one of them told me about it, hoping to split the expense between us, which I was totally cool with. But I fell asleep before midnight and they didn't even bother to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 383

You deserved it 988

By badparent - 08/04/2013 04:26 - Australia - Southport

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 994

You deserved it 6 896

By seizuregirl17 - 19/11/2013 15:00 - United States - Boston

Today, I had a seizure in class. Being an epileptic, I had warned my professor of the possibility that I could have one in class. She was understanding and seemed very concerned about my issue at the time. After I had the seizure, however, she asked me if I had ever tried exorcism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 429

You deserved it 2 868

By Anonymous - 03/11/2014 18:03 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I told my boss I'm going to quit, after months of being abused, doing meaningless work, and working late every day. I was soon given so many new projects that I didn't even have time to write my resignation letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 599

You deserved it 5 821

Organisation rules

By Anonymous - 18/01/2021 02:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, my college is so intent on teaching us teamwork that we hardly ever get to do any assignment by ourselves. Even if we could do it better alone. Even if we spend half our time trying to find a slot where all the team members are free to meet. And of course it’s a different team for each task. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 69

By Anonymous - 23/08/2012 07:56 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 182

You deserved it 2 788

By Noname - 26/10/2008 21:20 - United States

Today, while at the dinner table, my grandmother told me she backed over a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 114

You deserved it 4 435

Mom knows shit

By Anonymous - 22/07/2020 17:01

Today, my mother-in-law decided my husband has COVID-19, read some debunked articles about how ibuprofen makes the symptoms worse, and scolded me for giving him ibuprofen for his muscle pain. I'm an actual medical doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 743

You deserved it 107

By Anonymous - 13/09/2009 02:42 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend while looking at halloween costumes online for this years halloween party and said, "Maybe we could go as Bonnie and Clyde this year." He said, "Maybe we should go as a broken up couple," and hung up on me. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 446

You deserved it 3 885

The Passion of the Christ

By Canada20 - 29/09/2017 06:00 - Canada - Windsor

Today, while helping at my grandma's church, the new Orthodox Priest encouraged me to come to confession because he was sure I would have "a lot of stories to tell" and finished by seductively winking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 559

You deserved it 317

By alainopotato - 02/01/2017 11:03 - United States - San Diego

Today, I woke up in a bathtub, completely soaked and covered in both mine and someone else's puke. Happy New Year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 413

You deserved it 5 322

Here, have a Turner Prize

By RunningMurphy - 15/05/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 547

You deserved it 2 739

By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 01/04/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 629

You deserved it 6 715

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Top comments

Easy_Target 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 21:26

That must have been an interesting conversation. "Hello? Hey, man, how's your dOOOOOOOOOOOHHhhhh....!!!"

ddrluna 2

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Friday 22 May 2009 7:12

Who else thinks that 10 needs to calm the shit down? It's called playing with your pets. I suppose you'd rather just let them lay in a corner their whole life?

Easy_Target 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 21:26

That must have been an interesting conversation. "Hello? Hey, man, how's your dOOOOOOOOOOOHHhhhh....!!!"

Odiny147 0

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Tuesday 23 February 2010 1:05

rofl

monkeygrrlee 0

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 13:28

Haha ;D

pedosmurf 7

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Wednesday 29 February 2012 4:12

Nom Nom balls?

Boomi 38

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Wednesday 14 September 2016 17:53

My brother is rough like that, and when he tried to chase the cats (he's three), he jumped on me. Let's just say I'm glad I'm a girl or it would've been much worse.

theluckygirl28 8

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Thursday 26 February 2009 22:18

LMAOO!!!!!!!

mikejacobs 0

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Saturday 14 March 2009 11:45

To #1, yeah I bet after the dOOOOOhhhhh, he probably said "oh you f**cking pussy, get off me"!

earwig12 1

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Thursday 19 March 2009 20:39

That's what you get for owning a cat.

a1m2a3d4o5 0

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Monday 23 March 2009 18:26

hahahahaha and owch that sucks , #1 LOL

SimpleIdiot 0

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Tuesday 24 March 2009 9:44

ouch! that happened to me before

baldfatman 0

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 20:58

The beast, rofl.

authorkid 2

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Tuesday 13 April 2010 3:48

lol

xMooMoox 0

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:48

Didn't you mother ever tell you not to tease people? Especially not beasts!

SiLveRStaRLIGHT 0

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Thursday 2 April 2009 21:03

Ahh... My cat wouldn't even become interested in the string. LOL. Your cat just owned you.

Marlygirl 0

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Wednesday 11 May 2011 1:17

Dude the "beast" owned you!! XD

gs_fml 0

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Monday 27 April 2009 23:47

are u a fucking asshole or what???? NEVER tease a cat with string. one bite and u can pay for the surgery. thats why people like u shouldnt own cats or any other kind of innocent animal for that matter ASSHOLE YDI 100%

ifmlftw 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 14:31

I love when people overreact. my cat has fun when I do that to her

Sesh54 7

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Monday 30 May 2011 5:43

by teasing he meant that he was playing with it just cause he wanted to play with his cat doesn't mean he deserved it

Audiobliss 9

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 22:12

wow. sensitive much? I'm sure you're the life of any party you attend... *rolls eyes*

hilda_kitty 16

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Wednesday 16 January 2013 21:15

I bet you're also a vegetarian and fully support PETA and think that lions and zebras can get along. Chill, don't you get teased by your friends in a friendly way? Same thing with a cat.

WhitneyShehan 10

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Tuesday 25 February 2014 3:31

Actually, if you have ever seen the show, "My Cat From Hell," you'd know that you're 100% wrong. Cats become MORE aggressive when you don't play with them. Although, the host offers many toys for your cat to play with, I've never seen plain string. Which I'm sure would still be just as fine, just as a feather toy would be. He says on every show, that I've seen, that you need to play with your cat on a daily basis, working on their, "hunting" skills. As they would use them everyday if they were feral or non-domesticated animals. So slow your roll and know the facts before you flip out and go crazy with your, "YDI" rant.