Animals: Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly...

By dooommage - France

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

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Animals

Late term

Social distancing

Invasion

By kenz - 17/12/2020 20:01

He's fine

Today, I wanted my boyfriend to come over for a backyard wiener roast. Because it was so hot outside, he told me he didn't want to. Eventually, I talked him into it telling him it would be fine. He's now still asleep on the couch with heat stroke. FML

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By smyp - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

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By GirlOnTheFly - United States - Uniontown

Today, I was finally able to drive my brother's nice car instead of my clunker, because he left for college. First thing I do? Back into the neighbors' mailbox while exiting the driveway. FML

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By herzausstein - Belgium

Today, I took the train home. When seated, I suddenly noticed something wet on my seat. Without looking, I thought it was water since it was snowing outside. Guess again. It was vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 17:00

Worth a shot

Today, I told the guy I've been in love with for a year how I felt. He replied, "There will never be an us, but you can send nudes if you like." FML

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By WestboroBC - United States

Today, I walked in the snow and saw some kid slip. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then I fell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

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By jhulich - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, I found out that my mom isn't coming to see me for Christmas. Instead she'll be spending it in jail for a DUI and battery. Thank you to my cocklick of an aunt for taking a recovering alcoholic to a bar and pressuring her into relapse. FML

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By Queen LaQueefah - United Kingdom - Chesterfield

Today, my rarely-romantic boyfriend finally said "I love you". Too bad he was drunk, and was talking to my vagina. FML

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By Chad - United States

Today, my wife bought $80 worth of Glee songs on iTunes. FML

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56456

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I met a guy in a bar. He was sweet and funny so I asked him out for coffee later. He quickly turned me down, saying that I didn't even meet his first requirement. His first requirement was "looks like a girl." FML

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By genderless - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, the person I was seeing asked to be just friends. A few hours later, they tried to talk me into having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. Halfway through he asked me what day it was. I told him, "Friday." He jumped up and ran over to the TV yelling, "Oh my God! Shark week is almost over!!" I was cock-blocked by the Discovery Channel. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the imperial fist of spring allergies knocked me flat on my ass. The time I was going to spend at the outdoor concert I paid $80 for was instead spent in my car, driving back home. FML

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By MarcusJones713 - United States

Today, I was at the gym with my friends when they invited me to do a few bench presses. Since I'd never done any before, I decided to start with no weights on the bar and work my way up from there. I wound up pinned beneath the bar, calling for my friend to come free me. FML

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By Alex - United States - Monterey Park

Today, my wife, being very considerate, bought me a new phone for my birthday. That would be fine and dandy if cops didn't enter my house and say I stole it. Turns out my wife payed $900 from MY credit card to the person who stole the phone. FML

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By Aaron Lewis - United States - Topeka

Today, I bumped into a man on the street. I apologized and he picked up his wallet. To clear the awkward silence, I pointed out that his wallet looked like mine. It wasn't until I was on the next street that I realized it was my wallet. FML

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By inboxbuddies - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter asked me if we can make sticker art. Of course I said it was ok so she went to get some stickers. I wondered where she was going when she walked into the bathroom, but I didn't ask. I left the room and when I came back, her paper was blank and my pads were stuck to the wall. FML

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40427

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2020 20:01

No-life

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to spend alone time playing FIFA instead of having a relationship. If I ever find the CEO of EA Sports, I’m throwing hands. FML

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726

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I had to rush to school to avoid being late. Unfortunately, I forgot to put a bra on beforehand, and as soon as I got to gym class, the first thing my teacher said was: "Okay folks, let's get outside, we're running the mile." FML

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By sweet

Today, I discovered that despite locking the bathroom door of an airplane, a man is still fully capable of walking in on you changing your tampon. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, my mom kissed me goodbye before I went to a big job interview. I got weird looks on the way there, but I figured it was just because I look like a massive douche in formal wear. Turns out my mom had smeared lipstick all over my chin. The person who finally let me know was my interviewer. FML

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24870

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me he took pictures of me while I was sleeping. Instead of it being all cute like you see on social media, there's me sleeping with his dirty-ass sock on my face and him smiling in the background. FML

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By Joe - Cambodia

Today, whilst celebrating my birthday with my friends and family, I met a girl at the bar who seemed interested. She became very disinterested and left after my mother whispered in her ear "If you go home with my son make sure he wears a condom." FML

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By Anonymous - Venezuela - Barquisimeto

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Bergen

Today, I got in a minor car accident because my mom had to check how many likes her last photo on Instagram had while driving. FML

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By hapless - United Kingdom

Today, I was late for work and took a taxi. The driver tells me he tried to commit suicide recently. I listen to him for 20mins, sat outside my workplace with the meter off. He charges me £5.80 and my boss gives me a warning for being late. FML

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By almostkilledmyself - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, someone threw an open soda can at me from a car. It missed, so they circled around and threw an unopened can. That one hit. FML

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By FaronKee - 18/12/2020 00:56 - United Kingdom

Put your back into it

Today, for the first time in 2 years I was able to clean my kitchen, because my back pain has stopped me looking after myself. When I stopped cleaning, my pain was so bad, all I could do was lay flat in bed. Not even my pain meds could help. My kitchen is still not completely clean. FML

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By thanksmum - Germany

Today, I decided to take a nap before a big job interview at 6. I set two alarm clocks to make sure I didn't miss it, but I woke up at 5:59. As I'm scrambling in a panic to get out the door, my mom says calmly, "I took your alarm clocks out of your room because you looked really tired today." FML

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By dargas - United States

Today, while preparing the house for company, I got a call that my sister had a heart attack and died. My wife's response? "Great! Now you're going to be no help to me at all!" FML

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By Hth - United States

Today, I realized I spend way too much time on the computer. I grabbed the menu at the restaurant, glanced at the page, and tried to do CTRL+F to find seafood. Geek coming through! FML

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By TrashlifeKaylala

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk

Today, my father once again sat me and my boyfriend of a year down to have another "talk." These "talks" are always something negative against our relationship, and how it’s not up to his standards. We’ve explained numerous times why he’s wrong. My father is about to make me single. FML

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1698

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By Anonymous

Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML

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3281

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By Mike - United States

Today, I got in an elevator at a hotel. Just as the door was closing, somebody banged into the door and stuck their hand through. I yelled, "What, are you retarded?!" The doors then opened to reveal a mentally handicapped boy with his parents standing behind him. FML

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By helen_ - United States

Today, I had to go to my 10 year old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face , "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

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By NewDrugs - United States - Charlotte

Today, I went back home after seeing the doctor, I told my boyfriend my new medicine might cause some mood swings. He immediately grabbed his phone and pretended to take a call, then rushed out. FML

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By Fatnlonely

Today, at a pool party, I had forgotten to bring a swim suit, so I went in in my bra and shorts. After everyone screaming and telling me to put my shirt back on, I asked, "Why? It's the same as a bikini." My best friend told me it was because no one wanted to see me topless. FML

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Top comments

By Easy_Target | 0

#5971 - Monday 23 February 2009 21:26

That must have been an interesting conversation. "Hello? Hey, man, how's your dOOOOOOOOOOOHHhhhh....!!!"

By ddrluna | 2

#219785 - Friday 22 May 2009 7:12

Who else thinks that 10 needs to calm the shit down?

It's called playing with your pets. I suppose you'd rather just let them lay in a corner their whole life?

COMMENTS

By Easy_Target | 0

#5971 - Monday 23 February 2009 21:26

That must have been an interesting conversation. "Hello? Hey, man, how's your dOOOOOOOOOOOHHhhhh....!!!"

Odiny147 | 0

#883433 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 1:05

rofl

monkeygrrlee | 0

#1676544 - Wednesday 10 November 2010 13:28

Haha ;D

pedosmurf | 7

#4103934 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 4:12

Nom Nom balls?

Boomi | 38

#6689552 - Wednesday 14 September 2016 17:53

My brother is rough like that, and when he tried to chase the cats (he's three), he jumped on me. Let's just say I'm glad I'm a girl or it would've been much worse.

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#8033 - Thursday 26 February 2009 22:18

LMAOO!!!!!!!

By mikejacobs | 0

#31145 - Saturday 14 March 2009 11:45

To #1, yeah I bet after the dOOOOOhhhhh, he probably said "oh you f**cking pussy, get off me"!

By earwig12 | 1

#43286 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:39

That's what you get for owning a cat.

By a1m2a3d4o5 | 0

#52798 - Monday 23 March 2009 18:26

hahahahaha and owch that sucks , #1 LOL

By SimpleIdiot | 0

#54916 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 9:44

ouch! that happened to me before

By baldfatman | 0

#72908 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 20:58

The beast, rofl.

authorkid | 2

#979247 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 3:48

lol

By xMooMoox | 0

#73454 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:48

Didn't you mother ever tell you not to tease people? Especially not beasts!

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#77649 - Thursday 2 April 2009 21:03

Ahh... My cat wouldn't even become interested in the string.
LOL.

Your cat just owned you.

Marlygirl | 0

#2490866 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 1:17

Dude the "beast" owned you!! XD

By gs_fml | 0

#148892 - Monday 27 April 2009 23:47

are u a fucking asshole or what????
NEVER tease a cat with string. one bite and u can pay for the surgery.
thats why people like u shouldnt own cats
or any other kind of innocent animal for that matter
ASSHOLE
YDI 100%

ifmlftw | 0

#2578901 - Saturday 28 May 2011 14:31

I love when people overreact. my cat has fun when I do that to her

Sesh54 | 7

#2585552 - Monday 30 May 2011 5:43

by teasing he meant that he was playing with it just cause he wanted to play with his cat doesn't mean he deserved it

Audiobliss | 9

#5259492 - Tuesday 18 December 2012 22:12

wow. sensitive much? I'm sure you're the life of any party you attend... *rolls eyes*

hilda_kitty | 16

#5327156 - Wednesday 16 January 2013 21:15

I bet you're also a vegetarian and fully support PETA and think that lions and zebras can get along. Chill, don't you get teased by your friends in a friendly way? Same thing with a cat.

WhitneyShehan | 10

#5868088 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 3:31

Actually, if you have ever seen the show, "My Cat From Hell," you'd know that you're 100% wrong. Cats become MORE aggressive when you don't play with them. Although, the host offers many toys for your cat to play with, I've never seen plain string. Which I'm sure would still be just as fine, just as a feather toy would be. He says on every show, that I've seen, that you need to play with your cat on a daily basis, working on their, "hunting" skills. As they would use them everyday if they were feral or non-domesticated animals. So slow your roll and know the facts before you flip out and go crazy with your, "YDI" rant.