Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They... - FML

By Noname - 9/2/2009 23:47 - United States

Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They were all complaining about how there was no good boys left to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Hoping for an invite I mentioned I was still availiable. They just laughed at me and invited me to come dress shopping with them. FML

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Whatthefuckaburger

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By potatohead - 1/11/2017 18:00

Today, I had a nasty headache so I tried to take a nap. Unfortunately, my college had a homecoming parade a block away from where I live. I never knew our marching band sounded that awful. FML

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By linren - 28/3/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2011 23:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

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By anonymous - 29/12/2010 01:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me 80 times in 5 minutes. I had previously told him I was with my friends. He left me a voicemail proposing saying he loved me to death and he was crying. We've been dating for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2012 23:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I drove home from work, only to find both my next-door neighbours loudly arguing in the middle of my driveway. I got out and asked them what the hell was going on, only to find out one of their inbred kids had put a brick through my back window, and each is claiming the other did it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2017 01:30

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2016 23:50 - United States - Westerville

Today, the family computer kept overheating. My four-year-old son thought the solution was to pour a nice, cold cup of water on it. FML

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By omfgnooo - 9/9/2011 23:22 - United States

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

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By christine brown - 26/8/2011 12:03 - United States

Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2018 15:00

Today, I fell and impaled my leg on a steel rod at work. The first guy to respond to my agonised cry for help must’ve been a total moron because he thought it was a prank and yanked on the rod to see how it worked. Then he asked if I did it on purpose to get a day off. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2011 13:36 - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

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By Luna - 22/7/2012 02:30 - United States - Carmel

Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML

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By Kristina - 18/2/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I complimented my mom with "Hey, I think you lost some weight." She replied with "Yeah, I think you found it." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 03:42 - United States

Today, I brought a cupcake to school for my friend's birthday. After taking one bite, she exclaimed that it was the worst thing she had ever tasted and that we should sue the store that I bought it from. I baked it myself. FML

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By Dogs loose - 2/3/2010 12:17 - France

Today, I found out that there's nothing like having to chase a 100-something lb. Bloodhound around the neighborhood when you're 8 months pregnant, with a 3 and 4 year old in tow. Especially when she runs the other way at the sight of you coming. FML

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By Ricky - 9/3/2009 00:00 - Canada

Today, I was working at Old Navy. A girl came up to me and did a bizarre dance. Not knowing how to react, I imitated her to be friendly with the customer. Then she stopped cold. Her friend stormed up to me and yelled, "you jerk! Why are you mocking her? She has tourettes you know!" FML

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By Deceptive Dog 1242 - 23/8/2018 14:30 - United States

It's Cat-Dog!

Today, I pulled something out of my tiny 6 month old puppy's mouth, thinking it was a cord that he had gotten a hold of. As it turns out, it was a baby mouse he had caught and killed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2014 22:16 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually tried to justify his cheating by saying it doesn't count as cheating if the girl's bisexual. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2015 03:31 - United States - New Britain

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

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By Tim - 7/8/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I found that there is nothing worse than coming home to a snake slithering across your kitchen floor. Except when it disappears into your cabinets. FML

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By insertfoothere - 18/7/2009 11:26 - United States

Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 15:38 - United States

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she'd had a horrible day at work. They showed her my "hysterical" badge picture to cheer her up. FML

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By badgirl - 21/6/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

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By notcool - 15/9/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I learned that my anxious and obsessive mother is going to drive three hours every weekend to attend a Johns Hopkins medical course on stress reduction. Why is this bad? I just left home for college and have enjoyed my last two weeks of freedom without her around. I attend Johns Hopkins. FML

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By Sonotsuave - 17/5/2019 01:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, I rushed home after my mom called saying our upstairs had flooded. Apparently, my little brother somehow broke the toilet while unsupervised and water overflowed everywhere. It even reached my closet, shoes, and books, and everything touching my floor in my room is now wet. FML

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By seriously? - 25/2/2009 22:05 - United States

Today, the guy I like told me in casual conversation that I shouldn't get mad at him if he makes out with other girls at the bar, he only does it when he's drunk, that he doesn't really like them. We've been sleeping together for a week now. He met me at the bar. FML

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By Humpday - 29/5/2016 21:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

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By erpuchi - 1/12/2010 01:52 - Dominican Republic

Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2015 10:51 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML

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By maruskasommers - 9/1/2012 09:39 - Czech Republic

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

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By Joboi23 - 7/3/2018 19:00

Today, I matched with a woman on Tinder with whom I'd already talked on another dating app. The conversation had died out pretty quickly, so I was surprised she gave me a second chance. Her first message was to tell me how boring I was on the other app. FML

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By Reno - 15/4/2013 16:25 - United States - Reno

Today, while trying to find my phone in the depths of the sheets on my bed, I gave my comforter a huge shake. A second later, I heard a crash. My phone had miraculously flown straight into the glass of water on my nightstand. Found it. FML

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By driven_crazy - 12/12/2014 19:52 - United States - Newark

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2015 20:50 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to face my fear of horror movies by promising to hold my hand through the entire flick. He fell asleep 10 minutes into it, farting and snoring in his sleep, whilst I was paralysed by fear. FML

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By fuckyoudeadgunnuts - 4/9/2015 14:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML

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By Don't text and work - 23/6/2009 05:04 - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2015 16:34 - Ireland

Today, after the longest time, I went to the gym. I ran and ran and ran on the treadmill for an eternity, beating myself up for getting so overweight. Then I tripped and fell off, sweating and sobbing for being so useless. When I looked up, I saw I'd been on the machine for barely 2 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2014 16:52 - United Kingdom - Tipton

Today, my mom told me all about how I was conceived in a Disney Land toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2015 05:49 - Canada - London

Today, my coworker called me a liar when I said I've been to New York. This is the same psycho who honestly expects me to believe that she and Brad Pitt have a "thing" and that he secretly communicates with her through interviews on TV. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 15:48 - India - Mumbai

Today, I threw a punch at my sensei like he told me to, except he failed to block it like he assured me he would. Now I'm banned from his classes and I'm pretty sure he's going to get the police involved. FML

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Top comments

By AnonymouslyYours | 0

#3214 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 5:31

You need to stop being their friend. The reason why they wouldn't date you is irrelevant. Their gut reaction was to laugh at you when you mentioned you've got no one to go with. They are not your friends, they just like having you around because you're a man who gives them attention for nothing in return. You're wasting your time on them.

By Roi_fml | 0

#942 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 1:38

Some girls are just so cruel.
Did you at least think you had a chance?

COMMENTS

By Roi_fml | 0

#942 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 1:38

Some girls are just so cruel.
Did you at least think you had a chance?

Reply

imway2sexy4u | 0

#1152804 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 17:20

rape me in the dressing room

Reply

evry1luvspuns | 0

#3157337 - Monday 22 August 2011 7:41

I think they think he is gay and yes im captain obvious

Reply

ahti546 | 11

#4482594 - Saturday 26 May 2012 5:08

FRIENDZONED!

Reply

bestnameright | 14

#4945915 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 21:39

It's not that bad I think they thought he was gay (they asked to go clothes shopping and said no). Plus it means they laughed because they thought he was joking

Reply

lexiepullen | 7

#5119141 - Tuesday 6 November 2012 4:18

If they are asking him to go dress shopping, I think he was gayzoned

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5881796 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 3:42

And they wonder why there are no good boys left -.-

By greenman_fml | 0

#962 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 3:19

they think your gay. milk that for all its worth and "help decide which bra and panties they should wear," "check if their breasts feel firm," etc.

Reply

Ashleexx | 0

#1378757 - Thursday 9 September 2010 23:23

WTF breasts feel firm ,?!?

By AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_fml_fml | 0

#1013 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 6:23

u go to my school. And yes they think you're gay.

By AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_fml_fml | 0

#1017 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 6:48

He's a SMATHER alright.

By jperry74 | 0

#1268 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 7:56

ive been there before...my beset friend in high school was a girl...ive been dress shopping more times than i would want to admit

By sensual_kidney | 0

#1391 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 22:26

To convince them you arent gay, from now on, whenever you see them. just give em a firm slap on the ass. That'll dispell any rumors.

...but it might start others. depends on how you wanna go through life.

By AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_fml_fml | 0

#1433 - Thursday 12 February 2009 0:56

if you do what number 20 says then it might just confirm to them that you are gay and are just playing around.

By AnonymouslyYours | 0

#3214 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 5:31

You need to stop being their friend. The reason why they wouldn't date you is irrelevant. Their gut reaction was to laugh at you when you mentioned you've got no one to go with. They are not your friends, they just like having you around because you're a man who gives them attention for nothing in return. You're wasting your time on them.

By Stephen_fml | 0

#5540 - Sunday 22 February 2009 23:36

you should've gone, 1 of them might have asked you while you were shopping with them

By MinorOED | 0

#5619 - Monday 23 February 2009 3:24

Don't worry about it. #23 is right--college girls are more fun anyway. They at least possess a modicum of intelligence.

Reply

dhooks111490 | 8

#4982731 - Friday 28 September 2012 21:50

No, no they font