By Anonymous - 06/11/2016 16:31 - United Kingdom - Maidenhead
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That WOULD be MY Question as well,. SERiOUSLY in all SERiOUSNESS, WHAT Kind of FRiEND is she!!!! WHAT ever Happened to Friends NOT DATiNG your EX's I don't THiNk I'd be able to call her a "FRiEND" after that,. I'm really really SORRY Hon
I don't get the problem Now she knows he's an asshole, and you don't have to deal with him anymore Isn't it a win-win? Furthermore, @1 and @2, what's the problem with the friend dating her ex-boyfriend? Damn, he's the ex, why would op care?
I guess it depends on the person. One week after a bad breakup with my ex, my bestfriend of four years (who obviously knew everything that had happened) started dating him. For one, it was just plain odd even comprehending that they were together. Second, it wasn't so much that I cared what my ex was up to, as he was my ex, but more of a sense of betrayal from my bestfriend whom I cared for so deeply and trusted. Say and believe what you want, but for me it was really painful.
I agree with #9) My best friend knew everything, how evil my ex was. Very toxic and abusive. So for my best friend to date him after all that.. Then it's betrayal and it makes no sense. It's like my friend doesn't care that I got hurt or abused. It makes no sense. Now, there is another scenario that I went through. My ex wanted me back almost immediately and tried for two years. I was sick of him. He sent his best friend to talk on his behalf. I've always said no but I was fed up and decided "at least one of his friends should know my side of the story". Anyways, long story short, his friend was so shocked to hear about my side, he confirmed it with my ex too.. And also found out that my ex had backstabbed HIM in a personal situation as well. It's been almost three years now and his friend has been my boyfriend. So.. Basically... I'd now argue that it's important to decipher what happened between a relationship (which is often too personal) to know who is actually the "bad guy". In this case, my ex was toxic so HIS best friend didn't see any problem dropping HIM and dating me.
This happened to me and my friends. She knew how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend was but they start talking and she thought what the hell, she'll give it a try. They only lasted about five months before she broke his heart. Sometimes friends can be the best revenge for an ex-boyfriend.
I feel for you, OP. My first boyfriend was verbally abusive and very controlling. I told one of my good friends what was going on and she was horrified. Told me I needed to leave him immediately. I did, of course. And less than a week later she was dating him and going on and on about how amazing he was and how sweet he was to her. Some people are petty and not worth having in your life. It sucks, but you'll be better off without either of them.
Point blank, this trend of telling friends that they can't date someone's ex, just because the ex is an EX is ridiculous. And, bluntly, a bit creepy and over-controlling because you are basically telling someone you are supposed to want happy that they aren't allowed to try for happiness with someone they like because otherwise you'll abandon them. Hell, it's actually rather reminiscent of how abusers isolate their victims, and yet it apparently is socially accepted. If the ex was genuinely abusive and the friend is expecting you to support the relationship/bringing the ex everywhere with them, THAT is an acceptable reason to drop the friend.
Well it is crappy for a "friend" to date someone you broke up with because that means that ex would still be around you because of the friend. Who needs that crap in their life? Trying to get past someone and having that person still be around, and now potentially mentioned by the friend, will make the process impossible.
It's fully possible to move on without removing a person from your life. If the only way you know how to deal with conflict is by pretending it doesn't exist and making everyone around pretend it doesn't exist, that's a really maladaptive coping mechanism. Especially if everyone involved are supposed to be adults and the Ex isn't being antagonistic when they meet. Also, since you overlooked it #20- OP brought up the ex. The friend was keeping it quiet and wasn't bringing the ex everywhere. They weren't shoving the relationship in OP's face. In fact, it sounds very much like they didn't say anything until they got tired of hearing OP complain for two hours. Also, again- social circles overlap. The "no dating exes" thing means that anyone that actually waits to get into a relationship could easily find themself shit out of luck because the rest of their "friends" dated every person, and expects them to have to stay single for not jumping without looking. It's a stupid fucking "rule" that just sounds petty and manipulative, because you are basically telling your "friend" you don't give a shit about their happiness and if they don't prioritize your happiness, you'll drop them like a bag of bricks for having the audacity to be an independent human being with thoughts and emotions of their own. Which, making someone make that kind of choice is an indicator of an unhealthy relationship.
You articulated very well how this well-accepted 'moral code' of not dating the ex of a friend is actually a controlling and even abusive expectation with no legitimate reasoning. Thank you. Obviously if the ex is abusive themselves there is a problem, not one born out of selfish expectations but concern for the wellbeing of a friend. I don't give a shit when my friends date an ex of mine, indeed I wish them the best. Perhaps their fit will be better than the one I previously had (and in one case it was, I recently attended their wedding).
By taking this viewpoint, you're assuming they broke up amicably or that OP dumped her ex. In that situation, fine, you're totally right. However, if OP was cheated on or had her heart broken, then that is just heartless of her "best friend" to find it acceptable to date her ex.
I think dating a friend's ex depends on the situation. Like how serious it was, are there still feelings there, how close the friend is/how often you see them, how awkward it might be. It's kind of a grey area, in my opinion, but I think you should, at least, see if the friend is okay with you dating their ex, out of courtesy. Obviously, one wouldn't want to bring it up if they're just starting out and they don't even know if it's going to work but it would be nice to give them a heads up - like just a "Hey, I'm casually dating your ex and I wanted to see how you feel about it/hope you're okay with it." I think it's common courtesy to do so, at least, because you don't know if they'd be over their ex when you possibly start seeing them. Obviously, that's not how it is in OP's case but, in general, I think it should be the norm to mention the possibility of a relationship with/dating an ex. A true friend would respect you enough to tell you before it got started/got serious. And a true friend would be okay with it (unless they're not over them yet)/happy for you.