Transportation: Today, I was taken a taxi home after drinking too much. I started... - FML

By Unimpressed - Australia

Today, I was taken a taxi home after drinking too much. I started to feel sick and, not wanting to be charged the cab cleaning fee, threw up into my handbag instead. When we got to my place I then had to fish through that bag for my wallet to pay the driver. FML

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Sorry…

Late term

Thanks Boris!

By no money anymore - United States

Today, I hosted a "Night Out Against Crime" party at our local park. Only three people came, they robbed our fundraiser booth. FML

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By randinosaur - United States

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

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By Sal - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

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By cherry - Australia

Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks "Can I lick your leg?" FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I got married. During the reception my husband got drunk and told 200+ people that we met at a dingy bar and that we "totally banged" all night. I don't know what's worse, the fact he embarrassed me in front of everyone I know, or if it was that that was not how we met. Not even close. FML

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By MenstrualCrampsRuinedMyAcademicFuture - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I vomitted on an Oxford professor during my first university interview. They called me "little miss nervous" in my second interview. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I went on a date with a woman. She brought along her stuffed rabbit, and introduced us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

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By Alohaporno - Canada

Today, my father described my method of hiding porn on the computer as "extremely naive." I don't know what's worse, that he found my porn or that he's better at hiding his. FML

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By banana12321 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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By atleastshelldiefirst - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping, when an elderly lady walked up to me and tripped over her own feet. I caught her by the arm, at which point she shrieked at me for "groping" her. She ended up smirking as security threw me out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into the restroom at work to see my boss standing at the urinal, pissing like a toddler. He had his pants around his ankles, ass fully exposed. Now I'm never going to be able to take anything he says seriously. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to bring down a very old fan from the attic. I plugged it in, and as soon as I turned it on, tiny spiders were blown all over my room. FML

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By scumbag i guess - United States - El Paso

Today, I went out to a club, hoping to score. I'd read about a trick pickup artists use called "negging" and decided to try it out. As I finished complimenting a girl for being brave enough to have not made much of an effort with her makeup, she slammed her knee between my legs. FML

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By MonsterProblems - Croatia

Today, I had a sneeze attack while my nose was bleeding. Now my living room looks like a crime scene. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a swim in his pool. I was hoping that the swim would be somewhat romantic, however, that came to an abrupt end when he decided that it would be cool and funny to try and lift me up by my boobs. FML

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By foreveravirgin - United States - New Orleans

Today, I found out that instead of going on a date with a girl I've liked for months, I'm going to be forced to have lunch with my grandmother tomorrow. Instead of losing my virginity, I will get to be interrogated about why I'm single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was just a few days away from starting the training for my promotion to management, which involved a healthy pay raise and full time benefits. Today, news came down that the company is filing for bankruptcy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

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By Lea - Denmark

Today, my kitchen nearly burned down because the fire alarm didn't detect the plumes of smoke wafting through the kitchen. This is the same alarm that wails when I use the toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, being too poor to buy makeup, I walked into Macy's and "tested" some products out, just so I could look nice for my job interview. FML

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By notgoodenough38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML

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By TrashGirl

Today, for our 8th wedding anniversary I gave my husband several well-thought-out gifts. He gave me divorce papers. FML

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By MistressSuzuka - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I helped my friend, who is a slob, move out of my house. I found the source of the funky smell she's been complaining about, under her bed. It was her vibrator. I found it with my bare hands. I had to bleach my hands twice and I still don't feel clean. FML

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By "princessmia" - United States - Sequim

Felt so bad

Today, my little brother played my phone, and then accidentally sent a nude photo of mine to our step-dad, and now I have to spend all day with him and my mom on a road trip. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner date. Our waitress was really sweet, so we talked about leaving her a big tip. When we got home, we discovered we both thought the other person had left it. FML

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By spiderlady - United States

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

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By 16isntsweet - United States

Today, I had my sweet sixteen party. All my best friends came to the microphone to make a little speech. When my boyfriend came to do his, he broke up with me. FML

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By Clauric - Ireland

Today, the passport office informed me I won't get my passport in time to go on holidays. However, they took the money for the passport out of my account 2 months ago, causing me to go overdrawn, and not pay my travel insurance. The same insurance I needed to get the cost of the holiday back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little sister decided the best way to cheat on a test is to take someone else's test, scratch through their name in pencil, and write her name underneath. She starts high school next semester. FML

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By a manly woman? - United States

Today, a girl entered the public washroom I was washing my hands in. When she saw me, she stopped dead in her tracks. I then saw her go to the door to make sure she was actually in the girl's washroom. FML

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By anikah - United States - Natchitoches

Today, I gave up trying to make any friends at my job as a firefighter. I'm the lone female, and am the subject of gossip with the older men. Anyone I try to befriend ends up hitting on me, while others won't even talk to me because their wives are jealous. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was just about done with my late-night shift at Ralph's. As I was about to put up my "Closed Lane" sign, an elderly women starts putting items on the conveyor belt. The cost was $14.79, and she paid with pennies. It took her ages to count them all, and I wasn't being paid overtime. FML

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By Incompetent - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, my boss admitted that he seriously regrets hiring me, but can't really do anything about it because that would make the senior management question his judgment, making him look bad. So he's just 'putting up' with me. FML

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By NaurLalaith

Today, I bought an iPhone SE, so my mom decided to sell my old iPhone 5 on Craigslist. Since the 5 and SE look exactly the same, she ended up selling my SE instead of the 5 for $100. The buyer refuses to give it back. FML

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By mississippi123 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

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By Ribbed for Her Disaster - United Kingdom - Orpington

Today, I was trying out my first vibrator. Soon enough, my 12-year-old sister opened my door, walked in, and saw me naked from the waist down. She laughed, called me a virgin, and left. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, despite all my begging for him to at least be civil, my son started his eulogy at his dad's funeral with the words, “Let me tell you a few things about the bastard in the coffin over there.” It only got worse. FML

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By milked - United States

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

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By TTR - United States

Today, I finished a very important but annoying presentation that took four hours to complete. Only after writing a paragraph to explain the presentation and sending it to my boss did I realize that I saved the document as "Shit I have to do to get a promotion." FML

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Top comments

By xivilia | 0

#262167 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

Wow, don't drink.. Try a safe alternative such as.... Smoothies.. Mmmm, everyone loves smoothies.....

By bxrv43 | 0

#262165 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

did the cab have a window?

COMMENTS

By 24788 | 6

#262149 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:03

Oh wow that really bites.

By irishlassie731 | 0

#262159 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:04

Don't complain about that, you brought it on yourself, moron.

By Xyro | 0

#262160 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:04

I love you.

By bxrv43 | 0

#262165 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

did the cab have a window?

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6364005 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 4:31

Exactly what I was thinking

By xivilia | 0

#262167 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

Wow, don't drink.. Try a safe alternative such as.... Smoothies.. Mmmm, everyone loves smoothies.....

Reply

sc3ptical | 30

#5728546 - Friday 25 October 2013 2:20

I hate smoothies... and if drinking were illegal, then yes, she shouldn't have been drinking -.-

Reply

sohigh10 | 34

#5848533 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 17:56

even if it wasn't, drinking too the point of vomiting is ridiculous. I'm not saying she shouldn't drink at all, but everything in moderation. And by the way, smoothies are delicious.

Reply

Jmgonzo | 10

#6234482 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 0:14

I like how they downvoted you because you accidentally put 2 Os in "to". Just kidding. I hate grammar nazis.

By jeffracecar24 | 0

#262168 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

Thats nasty. Sounds like somebody needs a new handbag.

By urlifeisraped | 0

#262178 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:06

Wow reAlly ur done

By omgsex | 0

#262183 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:07

Awsum. Puked on cash is tell new currency.

By peeeacceandlovve | 0

#262197 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:08

ommmgg 1) ehhhww and 2) suuckkss for yoou

By ilovemylife22 | 4

#262203 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:09

Ydi