Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but... - FML

By onthetoilet - 4/1/2010 22:20 - France

Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but I woke up with explosive diarrhea. So while they are at the happiest place on Earth, I'm stuck on this toilet left to imagine that the splash from my crap is a splash from splash mountain. FML

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Deep-seated resentment

Boom, headshot

Race against the clock

By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 23:17 - United States

Today, I was in lying in bed with my boyfriend while he was asleep. He is going to school to be a doctor, and it appears that he says anatomical terms while asleep. My boyfriend can make me feel stupid in his sleep. FML

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By A.L.Woody - 11/8/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML

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By friendlessatwork - 2/10/2012 18:27 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, I got a coworker at my new job in trouble, because he kept harassing me and asking me out, even after I clearly told him I wasn't interested. Turns out he's very popular around here, and everyone now hates me for being a trouble-maker and not "taking a compliment." FML

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By kay51 - 24/11/2012 18:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

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By notonasoccertam - 6/9/2020 10:09 - United States

Harsh

Today, I made my school's soccer team. I told the coach that since I have diabetes, I might need to sit out occasionally. He promptly erased my name and said he didn't accept "slackers." FML

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By what.....? - 31/8/2012 23:40 - United States

Today, at college, we had a substitute philosophy teacher, because our professor is on bereavement leave. During his presentation, the sub managed to segue from the early works of Immanuel Kant straight into "the myth of the vaginal orgasm." I'm still shocked and highly confused. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 03:35 - United States - Brandon

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

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By fatass - 20/4/2015 17:01 - United States - Kearney

Today, I received several pairs of panties in the mail that I'd ordered online. When I opened the box, I was shocked because every pair was basically huge granny-panties. I was sure none would fit properly, but I tried them on to be sure. They fit perfectly. FML

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By e11ie - 27/9/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 19:41 - United States

Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

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By Sirah90 - 7/5/2013 07:29 - United States

Today, my nose started running while in bed with my boyfriend. I kept trying to wipe it off with my arm to avoid ruining the moment. My boyfriend then looks up at me in horror. Turns out it wasn't mucus; it was blood. And it was all over his neck, his shirt, and his silk sheets. FML

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By sarahrachel - 15/12/2015 03:30 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while in the airport waiting to board, I got the sudden urge to pee, so I ran to the bathroom feeling like my bladder was about to burst. I was so focused on relieving my bladder that I failed to notice the diarrhea covering the toilet seat and the wall behind it until I was sitting in it. FML

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By blacklove - 12/2/2010 20:19 - United States

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

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By Powerless - 30/8/2012 06:05 - Australia

Today, I had a planned 12-hour power cut for maintenance work, which I'd forgot all about. In need of a shower before work, I spent 45 minutes boiling pots of water on the stove to take a lukewarm, 6-inch deep bath, before realizing my water heater runs on natural gas and was working fine. FML

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By moneyman22 - 1/3/2010 19:09 - United States

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

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By jflac - 24/12/2014 12:03 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

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By anonymous - 5/7/2013 06:11 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while jogging, a guy tackled me and got my iPhone. Being a good runner, I caught up with him and grabbed him. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with a policeman yelling in my ear. The guy got away. FML

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By MissPerspirent - 28/9/2011 02:18 - Canada

Today, I have come to the point in my life where I need to Google how to stop excessive back sweat. FML

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By IRum - 11/8/2011 08:45 - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

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By AlwaysAfraid - 16/10/2018 22:00

Today, I went on a date for the first time in almost a year. To keep things casual, he had a couple of his friends join. Oh and by a couple of friends, I mean a party of people from his church. I'm not religious. The date wasn't even half over before I was being preached to. FML

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By Veronica Rambo - 24/10/2018 17:30

Today, it was my first day going to work with new hours where I'm in the office alone for an hour. I managed to lock myself out without my jacket, my phone, and my keys. It was raining. FML

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By Chelsea - 2/4/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 10:03 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

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By dm206 - 10/6/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I decided that I was going to get my front license plate put back on my car after two years of having it off. In these two years I somehow never got pulled over for it, as it is illegal to drive without one in MD. On my way there, I got pulled over for not having a front license plate. FML

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By Scorned - 16/9/2018 06:00

Today, as things were getting hot with my girlfriend, it came up that I'm a virgin. She broke up with me. FML

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By wilsmith - 1/2/2010 12:36 - China

Today, while in the elevator with the girl from my office that I've been crushing on, but never spoken to, I said "aren't elevators awkward?" After a long silence, she got off three floors before our office. FML

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By yarhyun1 - 19/8/2012 16:00 - United States

Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML

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By Lori - 4/11/2015 18:46 - United States - Littleton

Today, I agreed to go on a date with this really nice guy. Halfway through the date he starts talking about his wife and kids. FML

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By TheSickness - 28/5/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, the girl that I fancy was sick and I offered to hug her, but she protested saying that she didn't want to get me sick. I told her, "If hugging you gets me sick, then I'll just have to deal with being sick." She gave me the biggest hug she could. I haven't stopped puking since. FML

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By a non e mouse - 10/11/2015 22:34 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I tried to unlock my house's front door by hitting the unlock button on my car keys. It took me some time to realize my mistake. FML

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By nopethanks - 31/10/2014 12:05 - United States - Eden Prairie

Today, I woke up really early to get ready for an interview. I guess it was too early because my mom thought someone broke into our house and now I have two bruised ribs. FML

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By khaoslife - 18/4/2015 03:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I had to have a cervical biopsy. The doctor said I would feel slight cramping as she scraped cells from inside the cervix. I guess by "slight cramping" she meant I would shit, throw up, and then pass out. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

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By barface - 11/1/2012 02:52 - United States

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh apparently. FML

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By myrie - 3/2/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, I asked a guy out on a coffee date, and we started talking about our mutual careers. At the end of the date he asked me if I had any more questions about job opportunities or any more advice, then shook my hand and gave me his contact card. FML

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By stupid - 7/7/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 21:47 - Canada

Today, I was eating jell-o and was reading a fact website, when I read that gelatin is made from the collagen in cow or pig bones. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By FML - 29/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

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By jen - 16/1/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup and put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me. FML

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By joecool3426 - 3/10/2013 06:23 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for speeding in a school zone. The school hasn't even been built yet. FML

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Top comments

By shelboo_fml | 0

#755494 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:02

What a wonderful thing to imagine. PEPTO BISMOL

By ebbomega | 0

#755502 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:03

Sucks, but tbh I think Disneyland is a bit overrated. Splash Mountain is a 1-hour wait for a 5 minute ride. Not worth it, IMO.

COMMENTS

By shelboo_fml | 0

#755494 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:02

What a wonderful thing to imagine. PEPTO BISMOL

Reply

randomdude1234 | 0

#756907 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 18:29

Meh. A simple anti-diarrheal like imodium would work fine. YDI for not using drugs. Also I think you mean Euro Disney. Because Disneyland is in California and it says you are from France.

Reply

xxreikoxx | 31

#757077 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:30

Has it ever occurred to you that the OP's family might have taken a plane or three to GET to America? Not that it makes any sense...I call bull on it.

Reply

yottskry | 0

#768351 - Monday 11 January 2010 17:30

Well done... apart from it's called "Disneyland Paris", as shown at www.disneylandparis.com

Reply

lightuup | 0

#966503 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 2:44

no, go to disney world!!!!

Reply

Moooooo_fml | 0

#979733 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 10:26

lol pwned :D

Reply

ShMoReS_cOnTeSt | 0

#3542639 - Friday 4 November 2011 22:45

Hhh

By ebbomega | 0

#755502 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:03

Sucks, but tbh I think Disneyland is a bit overrated. Splash Mountain is a 1-hour wait for a 5 minute ride. Not worth it, IMO.

Reply

OPISDUMB | 0

#755560 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:25

Exactly. Disneyland is gay, get over it.

Reply

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1385929 - Saturday 11 September 2010 4:41

sure is

Reply

SarcasticUnicorn | 9

#4823131 - Thursday 16 August 2012 22:27

But splash mountain IS worth it. I love that ride.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#755504 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:03

Disneyland is about as exciting as that dump you're trying to take.

Reply

him51772 | 0

#755830 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 3:32

I dont thnk hes trying, pretty they dont got much choice xD

Reply

metsrule64 | 0

#913680 - Thursday 4 March 2010 12:09

hahahahahaha

By pinktiger | 0

#755506 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:04

TOILETS ARE FUn

Reply

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1028403 - Saturday 12 June 2010 5:53

YDI for thinking DisneyLand is the best place ever.

Reply

magentaballoon15 | 8

#2731802 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 19:17

No, he said "the happiest place on earth" and I'm pretty sure that's actually what they advertise themselves as.

By hoebiscuit | 0

#755514 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:06

hahahahahaha. sucks for your ass!

By lightburns | 10

#755523 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:08

I have IBS or something, I dunno. But all I can say to you is: Immodium.

FYL though ):

By Bertha5 | 0

#755529 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:09

they left u sad? saadd.

Reply

padlarf | 14

#755542 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:17

You'd sit around to hear him have his diarrhea?

By devendra_fml | 0

#755559 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:24

the way this is phrased makes it sound like you're writing this from your toilet. which, um, not sure how i feel about that.

Reply

AboveTheRest | 6

#1063393 - Sunday 4 July 2010 22:28

so what? you can't just sit there all day on the toilet doing nothing.

By soozjw | 2

#755572 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:29

That really sucks, but this really made me laugh. Hope you feel better soon.

By Wii624 | 5

#755573 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:29

Awww :( I feel so bad for you! Splash mountain is the best!