Health: Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but... - FML

By onthetoilet - France

Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but I woke up with explosive diarrhea. So while they are at the happiest place on Earth, I'm stuck on this toilet left to imagine that the splash from my crap is a splash from splash mountain. FML

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Understandable

Sorry…

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By ByeByeBlackberry - United States

Today, I decided I would finally get up and weed our front yard. After a long couple of hours, I was hot and sweaty and decided to jump in the pool, with all my clothes on, just for fun. Right as I was in the air doing a cannon ball, my BlackBerry started to ring from my pocket... FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Shelbyville

Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML

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By BadKitty42 - United States

Work sucks, I know

Today, it was my last day at work. I was offered a better job and accepted. Not wanting to leave my present boss hanging, I asked for time to give notice. While I trained my replacement, the owner at the new job had time to think about how slow the season is, and he decided not to fill the position. FML

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By muffingirl - United Kingdom

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend reached over and pinched my love handles and said "Where did this muffin top come from?". Then he sang "Do you know the muffin man?" to me. FML

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By Master's_degree_in_failure - 17/10/2020 22:30

The ole answer/forward conundrum

Today, I "answered" an email instead of "forwarding" it. As a result, there is a chance that my Master's thesis supervisor gets a message from me starting by the F-word, and complaining about my bad work and inability to understand a deadline. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. From 100 feet away they looked the same until my boyfriend came behind me wanting to know what I was doing. FML

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By Fml

Today, a co-worker called in sick due to a family emergency. I ended up working an unplanned 12-hour overnight shift. After I clocked out, I dragged myself out to the parking lot to go home. Someone had smeared tacos all over my car. FML

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By Asshole Parker - United States

Today, I went to work early and saw my crush's car in the parking lot, so I parked next to her. After that, I looked over at her car to see her staring at me with a weird look and her saying, "Really?" Then she gestured around the lot; I looked around to find it completely empty. FML

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By fanaticalfuckspawn - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I told my mom I've been taking yoga lessons, and that it'd be cool if she took some with me. She immediately went on a rant, calling yoga "satanic" and accusing me of trying to get her into "devil worship". Well, that's the last time I try to patch our relationship up. FML

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By mike - United States

Today, I set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen. While lying in bed, I heard an unmistakable snap, and ran to see what I'd caught. The mouse trap was missing. I now have a large, angry, and possibly dying animal running around my house. FML

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By CarrieRedburn - United States

Today, I was walking my dog, and a whole bunch of teenagers were driving around my neighborhood throwing water balloons at people. They followed me for 3 blocks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML

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By Deadcat101 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my unemployed mother decided to yet again stay home and drink heavily. So far she's kicked me out of the house, tipped over our sofa and thrown her vibrator out the window. FML

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By Cammi0 - United States

Today, I realized the only way I can pay my bills this month is if I steal from my 8 year old's birthday money. FML

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By sarika - United States - Appleton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that I was late to work because somehow my hand slipped when I was brushing my teeth, and I hit myself in the eye with the brush. I had to remove my contacts, wash my eye, and find my glasses. He didn't believe me, but at least my eye is minty fresh. FML

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By cortanaisahobot - Canada - Toronto

Hot and… greasy

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2021 07:57 - Germany - Zittau

Puke is good for you

Today, there's a campaign in my country advertising natural dog food. Apparently, nobody amongst the creators speaks English. How do I know? The hashtag they came up with is #SimplyBarf. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bolingbrook

Today, I was mopping the floor at the hotel I work at. Before I could react, a gentleman stormed through the corridor and slipped and fell on the still wet floor. He complained to the owner, who bitched me out just to satisfy the guy. FML

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By Oopsydaisy31

Metal music

Today, my date and I were getting to know each other, and we talked about our favorite music. He's into metal. Trying to impress him, I mention I like metal too. He said his favorite band is “The Gonzorks” and I mentioned that's my favorite too. He looked at me dead and cold and said “Um, actually that band doesn't exist.” FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my sister told me that she read that the pain of giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking 20 bones at once. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. FML

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By mental - United States

Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML

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By Kas - 25/11/2020 11:02

Smelly cat, smelly cat…

Today, my cat decided the perfect place to throw up was on herself. Cleaning a smelly old cat with a showerhead is trouble enough, but when she tried to escape, it resulted in the bathroom being turned into one big puddle. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 17:01

Can't feel my tongue

Today, I was using the same metal spoon to stir boiling noodles and the pasta sauce I was heating up. I decided to taste the sauce and see if it was getting warm, forgetting that the spoon was sitting in boiling water three seconds earlier. FML

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By steven - Canada

Today, my friend said he'd give me 20 bucks if I would ask out the ugliest girl in school. I did it. She rejected me. FML

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By Anonymous - Europe

Today, my dad went through all the trouble of sneaking onto my laptop and photoshopping a bong into my Facebook profile picture, apparently just so he could win a €20 bet with my mom, that hinged on her grounding me by December. FML

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By owned - United States

Today, while babysitting, the little boy explained to me why I was single, reasons such as 'unattractive' and 'not the girlfriend type'. I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I listened to the chirping crickets and appreciated how soothing the sounds were. Then I realized I lived on the 8th floor of an apartment building. Turns out my brother's science project got into my room and multiplied... a lot. FML

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By whatheffers - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML

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By Julie - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

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By RhuLynette - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

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By mrb72 - United States

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

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By Bear - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. FML

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By pinkfreak94 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

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By handymandy - United States

Today, we received our honeymoon itinerary. Our travel agent booked our flight to Punta Cana correctly. Too bad she booked us a hotel in Orlando, Florida. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss stopped mid-walk during a conversation about the humidity in our office, after I told him I didn't like the air conditioner on, because I'd rather not be cold and wet, and that I liked it warm and sticky. I knew then he was no longer thinking about the AC. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my fiancé, the love of my life, informed me that he proposed because he was sure I'd say no. He was hoping it would lead to our breakup. FML

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By PerfectBoyfriend - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I was trying on bikinis at a local store. When I put my pants back on, my foot got stuck, I tripped and fell through the curtain of the fitting room, topless. FML

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Top comments

By shelboo_fml | 0

#755494 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:02

What a wonderful thing to imagine. PEPTO BISMOL

By ebbomega | 0

#755502 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:03

Sucks, but tbh I think Disneyland is a bit overrated. Splash Mountain is a 1-hour wait for a 5 minute ride. Not worth it, IMO.

COMMENTS

By shelboo_fml | 0

#755494 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:02

What a wonderful thing to imagine. PEPTO BISMOL

Reply

randomdude1234 | 0

#756907 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 18:29

Meh. A simple anti-diarrheal like imodium would work fine. YDI for not using drugs. Also I think you mean Euro Disney. Because Disneyland is in California and it says you are from France.

Reply

xxreikoxx | 31

#757077 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:30

Has it ever occurred to you that the OP's family might have taken a plane or three to GET to America? Not that it makes any sense...I call bull on it.

Reply

yottskry | 0

#768351 - Monday 11 January 2010 17:30

Well done... apart from it's called "Disneyland Paris", as shown at www.disneylandparis.com

Reply

lightuup | 0

#966503 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 2:44

no, go to disney world!!!!

Reply

Moooooo_fml | 0

#979733 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 10:26

lol pwned :D

Reply

ShMoReS_cOnTeSt | 0

#3542639 - Friday 4 November 2011 22:45

Hhh

By ebbomega | 0

#755502 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:03

Sucks, but tbh I think Disneyland is a bit overrated. Splash Mountain is a 1-hour wait for a 5 minute ride. Not worth it, IMO.

Reply

OPISDUMB | 0

#755560 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:25

Exactly. Disneyland is gay, get over it.

Reply

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1385929 - Saturday 11 September 2010 4:41

sure is

Reply

SarcasticUnicorn | 9

#4823131 - Thursday 16 August 2012 22:27

But splash mountain IS worth it. I love that ride.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#755504 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:03

Disneyland is about as exciting as that dump you're trying to take.

Reply

him51772 | 0

#755830 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 3:32

I dont thnk hes trying, pretty they dont got much choice xD

Reply

metsrule64 | 0

#913680 - Thursday 4 March 2010 12:09

hahahahahaha

By pinktiger | 0

#755506 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:04

TOILETS ARE FUn

Reply

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1028403 - Saturday 12 June 2010 5:53

YDI for thinking DisneyLand is the best place ever.

Reply

magentaballoon15 | 8

#2731802 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 19:17

No, he said "the happiest place on earth" and I'm pretty sure that's actually what they advertise themselves as.

By hoebiscuit | 0

#755514 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:06

hahahahahaha. sucks for your ass!

By lightburns | 10

#755523 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:08

I have IBS or something, I dunno. But all I can say to you is: Immodium.

FYL though ):

By Bertha5 | 0

#755529 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:09

they left u sad? saadd.

Reply

padlarf | 14

#755542 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:17

You'd sit around to hear him have his diarrhea?

By devendra_fml | 0

#755559 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:24

the way this is phrased makes it sound like you're writing this from your toilet. which, um, not sure how i feel about that.

Reply

AboveTheRest | 6

#1063393 - Sunday 4 July 2010 22:28

so what? you can't just sit there all day on the toilet doing nothing.

By soozjw | 2

#755572 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:29

That really sucks, but this really made me laugh. Hope you feel better soon.

By Wii624 | 5

#755573 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:29

Awww :( I feel so bad for you! Splash mountain is the best!