Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but... - FML

By onthetoilet - 4/1/2010 22:20 - France

Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but I woke up with explosive diarrhea. So while they are at the happiest place on Earth, I'm stuck on this toilet left to imagine that the splash from my crap is a splash from splash mountain. FML

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Dad jokes, part 43884

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Hello everyone!

By disasterbutton - 9/2/2010 00:28 - United States

Today, I noticed that my neighbor's house has a clear view of my daughter's bathroom. There is a telescope in his window. FML

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By - 4/1/2009 15:18 - France

Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML

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By shopper242 - 22/11/2010 12:29 - France

Today, my boyfriend compared my orgasm to that of a beached sea turtle. He demonstrated what he meant in front of all our friends. FML

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By rozziepop - 30/3/2012 05:37 - United States - Visalia

Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 22:46 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, while out walking with my son in a stroller, a couple passed by and the girl smiled sweetly at him. It made me really happy, until we passed and I heard her say "What? You're supposed to smile at babies, even if they look weird." FML

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By u.p.i.c. - 2/8/2019 22:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, the smell of my own fart made me feel hungry. FML

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By missinformed - 18/5/2017 12:00

Today, Geico called to tell me they were canceling my insurance. Someone I don't know got pulled over for drunk-driving and the police wrote down my license plate number instead by accident. Although the DMV says they cleared everything up, Geico still won't believe it wasn't me. FML

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By everfresh - 26/1/2011 10:38 - Finland

Today, my boyfriend thought the garbage can in our kitchen smelled bad. Instead of cleaning it, he had it equipped with a Wunderbaum. Our entire house now smells like "New Car". FML

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By Maggie - 18/3/2013 19:38 - United States

Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2012 22:41 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had a chest x-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML

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By harry - 6/12/2008 07:51 - France

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

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By unicorn - 13/9/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

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By midwify - 5/1/2015 17:58 - Denmark - Asaa

Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - 21/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

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By aziraphaleelle - 18/3/2014 08:10 - United States - San Jose

Today, I had to wave my arms like a maniac as I sat on the toilet at work, otherwise the faulty motion sensor/timer would turn the lights off after about ten seconds. I've had to do this for several days now. No one else has reported this problem, so management won't get it fixed. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, my mom went to grab my sheets off my bed. I said that I would do it, to which she responded, "Calm down, it's not like I've never seen 'spludge' before." FML

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By Leijabug - 21/4/2019 18:00

Today, my best friend and I decided to dye our hair blue. We didn’t mean to also dye the ceiling, walls, shower, or floor. We DEFINITELY didn’t mean to dye our faces the day before school pictures that cannot be rescheduled. FML

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By anonymous - 3/7/2011 04:47 - Canada

Today, it took me 5 hours to paint my deck, only to have it ruined by the neighbors cat running all over the undry paint. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 13:07 - United States - Watchung

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2018 01:30

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML

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By MarMar - 15/3/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met and in the middle of it his mother called him. After stopping to answer the phone, he tried to put me on with her because she didn't believe anyone would actually sleep with him. FML

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By hatecolin - 10/9/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I was driving my new car home when I came around a sharp turn to see a groundhog in the road. I kindly stopped and allowed it to cross when all of the sudden a car slammed into the back of mine. Then, another car went flying around us. That car hit and killed the groundhog. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2014 23:25 - Sweden - Sundsvall

Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 06:02

It's the new thing!

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

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By oopsbaby - 11/3/2020 18:00

HealthCare for all

Today, I found out that my girlfriend stopped getting her birth control weeks ago so she could afford a new Nintendo Switch. FML

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By ugh - 28/4/2009 21:49 - Canada

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 14:00

Alas, poor Mickey

Today, I'm going to a cocktail event, except my dress is wrinkled and can't be ironed, so I got my steam cleaner from storage. I saw what looked like mold inside the water container. Turns out a mouse had got into the water container, drowned and started to decompose. My apartment now smells like death and my dress is still wrinkled. FML

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By soccerlove09 - 11/10/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, I bought a personalized cookie cake with "Will you go out with me?" for the girl I've liked for five months. When I showed her, she said no, but took the cake with her anyway. FML

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By Niquesha - 23/4/2011 23:56 - United States

Today, while trying on an outfit in the dressing room at the mall, I got locked in. I decided to take 5 minutes to try and get out by crawling under the door. After I got out, I realized I left my cell phone, my purse and my pants inside. FML

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By boopingsnoot - 7/7/2017 02:04

Today, while working at the vet, we had a familiar little dog show up for a minor procedure. The dog always sits on its owner's lap on the drive over, and always gets peed on. Not talking about dog pee. And we're not allowed to bathe it because that service costs extra. FML

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By jasmine - 23/2/2010 16:48 - United States

Today, I realized I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Too bad he has never once made me orgasm in the two and a half years we've been together. FML

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By Nose bleed - 16/4/2014 02:48 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

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By Bananapi - 10/9/2017 13:00

Today, my flatmate moved in with me. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, so did her mother. FML

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By bbns - 14/1/2009 11:57 - Germany

Today, I organized a party, invited a girl I've been secretly in love with for years, as well as a friend of mine who brought along an unknown mate of his. The party was fine, although the unknown mate threw up all over the floor. Now, the girl is dating that unknown mate and is in love with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2010 00:32 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark." FML

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By naagodinho - 9/1/2012 14:56 - Portugal

Today, I applied to a new gym. Now I have a hernia. FML

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By kingpig - 2/2/2012 18:00 - Sweden

Today, I was on a date with a guy I've been crushing on. In the middle of the dinner, he said he had to go get something from his car. When I asked what it was, he smiled and said it was a surprise. I waited for my surprise for half an hour. Then I decided to pay the bill and go home and cry. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2011 15:14 - United States

Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML

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By f - 9/11/2013 23:30 - United States - Hubert

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

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Top comments

By shelboo_fml | 0

#755494 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:02

What a wonderful thing to imagine. PEPTO BISMOL

By ebbomega | 0

#755502 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:03

Sucks, but tbh I think Disneyland is a bit overrated. Splash Mountain is a 1-hour wait for a 5 minute ride. Not worth it, IMO.

Comments

By shelboo_fml | 0

#755494 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:02

What a wonderful thing to imagine. PEPTO BISMOL

Reply

randomdude1234 | 0

#756907 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 18:29

Meh. A simple anti-diarrheal like imodium would work fine. YDI for not using drugs. Also I think you mean Euro Disney. Because Disneyland is in California and it says you are from France.

Reply

xxreikoxx | 31

#757077 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:30

Has it ever occurred to you that the OP's family might have taken a plane or three to GET to America? Not that it makes any sense...I call bull on it.

Reply

yottskry | 0

#768351 - Monday 11 January 2010 17:30

Well done... apart from it's called "Disneyland Paris", as shown at www.disneylandparis.com

Reply

lightuup | 0

#966503 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 2:44

no, go to disney world!!!!

Reply

Moooooo_fml | 0

#979733 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 10:26

lol pwned :D

Reply

ShMoReS_cOnTeSt | 0

#3542639 - Friday 4 November 2011 22:45

Hhh

By ebbomega | 0

#755502 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:03

Sucks, but tbh I think Disneyland is a bit overrated. Splash Mountain is a 1-hour wait for a 5 minute ride. Not worth it, IMO.

Reply

OPISDUMB | 0

#755560 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:25

Exactly. Disneyland is gay, get over it.

Reply

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1385929 - Saturday 11 September 2010 4:41

sure is

Reply

SarcasticUnicorn | 9

#4823131 - Thursday 16 August 2012 22:27

But splash mountain IS worth it. I love that ride.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#755504 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:03

Disneyland is about as exciting as that dump you're trying to take.

Reply

him51772 | 0

#755830 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 3:32

I dont thnk hes trying, pretty they dont got much choice xD

Reply

metsrule64 | 0

#913680 - Thursday 4 March 2010 12:09

hahahahahaha

By pinktiger | 0

#755506 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:04

TOILETS ARE FUn

Reply

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1028403 - Saturday 12 June 2010 5:53

YDI for thinking DisneyLand is the best place ever.

Reply

magentaballoon15 | 8

#2731802 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 19:17

No, he said "the happiest place on earth" and I'm pretty sure that's actually what they advertise themselves as.

By hoebiscuit | 0

#755514 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:06

hahahahahaha. sucks for your ass!

By lightburns | 10

#755523 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:08

I have IBS or something, I dunno. But all I can say to you is: Immodium.

FYL though ):

By Bertha5 | 0

#755529 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:09

they left u sad? saadd.

Reply

padlarf | 14

#755542 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:17

You'd sit around to hear him have his diarrhea?

By devendra_fml | 0

#755559 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:24

the way this is phrased makes it sound like you're writing this from your toilet. which, um, not sure how i feel about that.

Reply

AboveTheRest | 6

#1063393 - Sunday 4 July 2010 22:28

so what? you can't just sit there all day on the toilet doing nothing.

By soozjw | 2

#755572 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:29

That really sucks, but this really made me laugh. Hope you feel better soon.

By Wii624 | 5

#755573 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:29

Awww :( I feel so bad for you! Splash mountain is the best!