Today, I was stung by a wasp. Startled, I stumbled and grabbed...

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was stung by a wasp. Startled, I stumbled and grabbed a nearby tree branch to regain my balance. The branch happened to be the location of the wasp's nest, which fell to the ground and split open. The wasps weren't happy. FML

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Animals

Thanks for the miracle

Understanding

One law for me…

By Shaz - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I accidentally pulled out six of my eyelashes. It's noticeable. Very noticeable. FML

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By soontobehobo - United States - Mankato

Today, I was checking my schedule online and noticed that I wasn't scheduled for any shifts next week. Not thinking it was a big deal, I called HR to get it corrected, only to find out I was laid off and they "forgot" to tell me. FML

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By toad - Canada

Today, I found my daughter on Facebook after years of looking for her after the divorce. It turns out it was my ex pretending to be my daughter so she could track me down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends staged an intervention. I'm not on drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, and I own my own house. My car is paid for and my job pays well. Apparently, I need an intervention because my life is not where they want it to be, which involves me being married with children. FML

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By traumatizedforlife - United States

Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

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By Laundrylady - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat doing my clothes when I noticed a cute guy next to me. I tried to be a ninja and sneak my sock into his basket so I could start a conversation with him. He saw me. FML

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By csc4lyfe09 - United States

Today, while at my tutoring job, a middle school kid couldn't find a word in the online dictionary. I told him he could check a regular paperback dictionary. His response was, "That's what you did in your day. That's not what we do in our day." I'm only 19. FML

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By MYLIFESUX - United States

Today, I was sitting using my laptop, I was also eating a bag of starbursts. They bag slid off the bed, I went to catch them and in the process my knee hit my laptop which flew off the bed onto the wooden floor, and shattered. I broke my $2,500 laptop to save 11 starbursts from falling. FML

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By Anonymous

#notyourmaid

Today, at work, someone shat outside the bathroom door. Not outside the stall, but in the actual hallway. Guess who got fired for refusing to clean it up! I’m a cashier at a tool supply company and the only female employee. Four dudes refused before I did. FML

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By porkythighs - Singapore

Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm spending the night with the guy I've been interested in for a while. Instead of sleeping in the same bed together, he insists that I sleep in another room because he "doesn't want to be tempted to do anything." So, I'm alone, in my best lingerie, in his little brother's room. FML

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By phonesage - United States

Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

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By UFVKNP

Today, my coworker and I were swamped with coffee orders. I told him I would "take care of the blacks", and a customer who only heard that sentence screamed at me for several minutes about racism. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

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By BigMoney - United States

Today, behind a cabinet, I found a scratch-off lottery ticket I hadn't scratched yet. After scratching it off, I realized it's a $2,500 winner. The lottery commission won't accept it because they stopped using that game 2 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my house smells a lot like my grandma's. Not because we use the same cleaning products or anything like that, but because I'm slowly turning into a crazy cat lady. FML

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By nonameLiz - United States

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

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By ihatelaura - United States

Today, I had to clean my boyfriend's puke off of our bed. Last night he ditched me to go out partying, came home, threw up, and passed out. He thinks it's only fair I clean up today because he's "not feeling well". FML

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By gooddeedgonebad - Australia - Upper Swan

Today, I helped an elderly woman carry her suitcase down a flight of stairs. When I got to the bottom, a man tackled me to the ground thinking I was stealing the woman's luggage. As I lay in pain, he ran up the stairs to return the suitcase and the poor woman had to carry it down on her own. FML

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By Oh... - Australia

Today, my grandma drove me home from school early because I was sick. I went upstairs and heard my parents having sex. Embarrassed, I ran downstairs and was about to leave the house when I saw a car pull into the driveway. It was my dad. FML

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By NotJessePinkmanFFS - United States - Norwalk

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

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By Creeped_out_n_stuck - United States

Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he offered to pay me. When I declined again, he stormed off to pout in his room and played really loud depressing music. We're both guys and I have 11 months left on my lease with him. FML

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By fatto - Sweden

Today, I got up very early to join my fit, slim, husband for a morning walk, since I work from home, order food to be delivered, and barely leave the couch. Afterwards, he biked off to work, and I went straight back to bed. With some candy. Small steps, I guess. FML

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By stun_zeed

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

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By slipperyhands - United States

Today, on my wedding day, when they said "you may kiss the bride", I swung my wife over in the romantic fashion and went in for the kiss. Unfortunately my hands were sweaty as I was nervous and she slipped under my grip. She fell and was knocked unconscious in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By Machine - Japan

Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML

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By chappedchap - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, we were notified that our office will be relocated. Employees can tag along but their wages will not be adjusted accordingly. The cost of living at the new place is way higher. I have to finish my contract and really can't afford to not have a job right now. FML

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By Samson - United States

Today, my girlfriend was really depressed. I listed the top 50 reasons why I love her. Her response was "thanks for that but seriously, this video on youtube is hilarious." I couldn't cheer her up but apparently a 10 second video of a dog running in circles can. FML

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By Oh hells no - United States - Los Altos

Today, my girlfriend came home with a huge bouquet of roses. They were from an admirer, brainwashing her to think I'm a terrible boyfriend for not buying her flowers like he did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke my arm, and posted a picture of my X-ray on Facebook to show everyone how bad the break is. Nobody even asked me if I was OK. FML

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By Duellist

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

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By longlostkid556 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML

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By Jay703 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

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By Notasinner - United Kingdom - London

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, after taping 5-year-olds do a skit at an improv camp, I used the camera's view-finder to zoom in on a female co-worker's chest. Another female co-worker tapped me on the shoulder to show that the TV was still connected to the camera. Parents, kids, and instructors all witnessed it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Broken equipment

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument about wanting kids, as I want to have kids but she doesn’t. I explained the situation to my sister. She just kicked me in the nuts and said, “There, problem solved.” FML

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By bigbuldge

Roommate From Hell

Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

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By CB - New Zealand

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my psycho ex broke into my fiancée's apartment and cut up her expensive wedding dress. The nutjob is in jail now, but it doesn't seem like the wedding will be happening any time soon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my dad spent most of the $500 I earned from mowing lawns on an Xbox 360 for himself. He was the one who encouraged me to put the money in the bank for college and to learn responsibility. I'm 14 years old. He's 37. FML

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Top comments

By lex1459 | 38

#6427408 - Monday 5 October 2015 10:43

I think that wasps as a species are the biggest assholes on the planet.

By asdadfhowrh | 23

#6427434 - Monday 5 October 2015 11:52

wasp happening with you?

COMMENTS

By lex1459 | 38

#6427408 - Monday 5 October 2015 10:43

I think that wasps as a species are the biggest assholes on the planet.

TheCookieComet | 23

#6427432 - Monday 5 October 2015 11:49

Yes, wasps are assholes but mosquitos are worse.

DoomedGemini | 37

#6427570 - Monday 5 October 2015 16:20

Mosquitoes are annoying and I hate them, but they only itch. Wasps hurt, sting multiple times, and also alert other wasps to come attack you.

julia2750 | 11

#6427622 - Monday 5 October 2015 18:01

Sounds like my neighbourhood

Wiringify | 22

#6427705 - Monday 5 October 2015 20:19

#1 What about humans though?

remometol | 16

#6427712 - Monday 5 October 2015 20:28

Jellyfish. Dead wasps can still sting you, but jellyfish can even keep moving with the current. I don't even know the difference between a live jellyfish and a dead one.

Iamnotfat | 16

#6427861 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 0:02

Mosquitoes transfer diseases which kill you. I'd rather be stung than get a deadly disease.

fmlperson8264 | 16

#6427940 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 2:14

I wish if they didn't exist.

lex1459 | 38

#6428142 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 10:29

#30 you're very right. I've actually been stung by a dead jellyfish. The stinger must've ripped off or something, but it wrapped around my ankle and it hurt like hell. But wasps are still worse.

By bdun4 | 18

#6427409 - Monday 5 October 2015 10:43

Sounds painful. Hope you are ok OP

By aimbug | 42

#6427410 - Monday 5 October 2015 10:45

This is why people and wasps can't be friends. Hope you're feeling better Op!

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6427411 - Monday 5 October 2015 10:45

Hope you aren't allergic, get well soon

By maddie_xo | 21

#6427412 - Monday 5 October 2015 10:48

Imagining the pain is just terrible

By lavapants | 15

#6427419 - Monday 5 October 2015 11:14

Torch them I hate wasps almost as much as I hate mosquitos.

By JohnForge | 13

#6427423 - Monday 5 October 2015 11:23

Not necessarily wasps as the biggest assholes in the world, sometimes humans are to each other.

tantanpanda | 26

#6428101 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 8:19

I'm more afraid of a wasp than a human, tbh. When you back off, those fuckers get closer. Got stung on the head once for doing absolutely nothing. go figure.

By rainbowsRlove | 15

#6427426 - Monday 5 October 2015 11:29

thats just bad luck ouch

By asdadfhowrh | 23

#6427434 - Monday 5 October 2015 11:52

wasp happening with you?

By Bryce8 | 11

#6427444 - Monday 5 October 2015 12:07

That sucks, hope you didn't get stung that badly!