Today, I was studying for a final when I noticed all I had was... - FML

By Noname - 12/3/2009 00:09 - United States

Today, I was studying for a final when I noticed all I had was a blue highlighter. I decided to drive to the store to get a yellow one. On the way there, I got $200 worth of traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign. I basically spent $200 because I prefer yellow highlighters over blue. FML

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Work name

Family values

Everyone's an expert

By thedd - 18/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. All my friends showed up at my house already drunk, so I had to be the designated driver. FML

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By miss_peppermint - 14/12/2018 13:30

Today, my dog of 10 years died suddenly. My husband’s response? “At least you don’t have to buy dog food anymore". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2015 03:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

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By dileigh - 10/3/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I received my graduation gift, a bath robe, from my parents. My have two older sisters also graduated. The first one got a Tiffany's bracelet, the second one got a plane ticket to Europe. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2013 00:13 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the first funeral I'd gone to, and I was really nervous. When the service finished, everyone went to pay their respects to the family. After I paid mine, they said, "Thank you for coming." I instictively replied, "My pleasure." FML

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By mel - 25/3/2016 13:20 - United States - Smithville

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had tried to fake his own death because he thought it would be easier than confessing to the affair he was having. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

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By Francoise3 - 18/3/2009 13:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I received an e-mail from the girls at work. It was an invite to lunch but it said, "Lunch today at Camber's, PLEASE don't tell Francoise, I don't think any of us can take any more of her!" I'm Francoise. FML

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By Noname - 27/1/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, at the mall my brother and I went to look at a vendor's items when my mom said not to touch anything. Thinking my brother was standing next to me, I saw him touching stuff so I smacked him in the arm and told him to stop. I turn to see that the old lady to my side was giving me a mean look. FML

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By why?! - 10/9/2011 01:57 - United States

Today, my mom baked cupcakes for my visiting grandparents. Later, I saw my grandpa chowing down on them. Even later, my mom demanded to know why there were a dozen cupcake wrappers on my bed. I've essentially been framed by my own grandpa, and am now grounded for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2016 16:59 - United States - Meriden

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 06:17 - United States - Roseville

Today, I was helping my mom look for some money she'd misplaced. At my wit's end, I flipped through her diary, in case she'd hidden it between the pages as she has before. Didn't find the money, but I did find out she might well be cheating on my dad. FML

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By Luke - 25/7/2010 22:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a friend move. Before we arrived, he put his key on my key ring to keep it safe. When we got there, he promptly shoved my front door key into the lock and snapped it clean off. Not only can we not get into his house, but now I can't get back into mine. FML

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By GeneralElement - 19/2/2010 06:32 - United States

Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

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By Boltz719 - 23/8/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was at my grandfather's house and my car was low on gas. He said I could put some of his gas in my car. He accidentally gave me the wrong tank to pump it out of, and I put fuel in my car that he uses for his small plane. It never ran better until the engine exploded. FML

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By coius - 6/5/2020 08:00

Rock, hard place

Today, after years of high blood pressure and 3 meds for it, a doctor informed me my blood pressure is going too low, and I'm passing out. I've been told to stop the meds. This followed an increase in my meds because it's killing my kidneys. So my choices are kidney failure, or passing out. FML

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By amie - 11/8/2009 08:43 - Canada

Today, my mom said that we needed to have a family meeting because of all the issues that have been going on with our family. My mom, sister and I sat down and began to talk about everything. As I started to cry my sister looks at my mom and says "I win!". She bet my mom $20 that I would cry. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2014 22:52 - United States - Chestnut Hill

Today, I learned that the blisters that popped up this morning on my hands and feet are a result of a virus that takes two weeks to fully heal. After I told my roommates to be careful, one of them decided that NOW was a good time to tell us she had it last week. FML

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By ilikecake - 29/5/2009 11:12 - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday. His friends were throwing him a surprise party and I was in charge of getting his birthday cake. As a joke, I got it in the shape of a penis, with a graphic marzipan design. Funny, I never knew his overly-conservative parents were invited. FML

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By Yoshi - 31/1/2009 20:01 - United States

Today, I was with the guy I am seeing and I were fooling around in my room. I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He said he didn't have time because he had to go play Mario Kart. FML

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By goingup? - 25/2/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my girlfriend when it stuck mid-floor. Being supportive, I went to hug her and tell her we'll be OK. Today I also learned that my girlfriend is deathly claustrophobic and her predominant reaction is to vomit. In this case, all over me. We were stuck for 2 hours. FML

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By reallyman__639 - 13/12/2011 12:26 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML

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By so romantic - 12/11/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day. But I want to date some other girls first." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2020 20:02

Surprise strike

Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML

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By ledentist - 12/9/2012 02:24 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

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By BDSM4Jesus - 20/1/2015 04:42 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, while trying some new kinky things with my boyfriend, he cried out, "Call me Jesus!" Yeah... I think we're done with that. FML

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By shithole - 26/12/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, my dad and I found in my house a water filter that has not been changed in over 20 years. We have been drinking that water that has been going through a filter that had more colors than a rainbow on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 17:26 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML

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By Failed_Dad - 25/9/2015 05:42 - United States - Davis

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

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By really - 13/12/2016 08:24 - Australia

Today, after telling my boss about my hearing problem, she simply told me to "listen harder". FML

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By CambodianAsshole - 25/12/2012 06:41 - United States - Placentia

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 20:01

How's the diet going?

Today, I bought 3 buckets of expensive low-calorie ice cream because it was on sale, only to discover it tastes rather awful. I thought I liked that stuff… Oh, I remember now, I did like it… After mixing it with lots of chocolate spread. FML

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By charmed - 12/8/2016 08:53

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

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By scherzo - 9/4/2018 08:00 - United States - Edmond

Today, I dropped my phone in the parking lot and it landed next to a car tire. As I reached to pick it up, the car backed up and ran over my phone and my hand. Hello, emergency room! FML

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By BlueMacaw - 25/7/2016 14:38 - United States - Edmond

Today, at church, I sneezed suddenly and messily into my hand just as the priest asked us to stand and greet our neighbors with a handshake. FML

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By ughhhh - 10/11/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

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By charlotte273 - 30/6/2010 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

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By vibratorgirl - 8/3/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

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By - 27/1/2017 00:00

Today, I checked my inbox and realized I got an email from a potential employer saying they were having trouble getting ahold of me by phone. They called while my mom was using my phone to look up directions to the place and she answered, kindly hanging up when they asked for me. FML

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Top comments

By af_fml | 0

#27958 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:11

That is a fucked up idea of causality. You got a ticket because you failed to obey the law, the highlighters had nothing to do with it.

By horyo | 0

#27946 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:05

You probably should have obeyed Traffic laws than worry about petty things. You could have hurt someone.

COMMENTS

By horyo | 0

#27946 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:05

You probably should have obeyed Traffic laws than worry about petty things. You could have hurt someone.

Reply

w12345 | 2

#991548 - Thursday 13 May 2010 4:23

sounds like procrastination to me! nice work

Reply

pwincessa23 | 1

#1197215 - Friday 6 August 2010 7:25

ydi cuz blue us WAY better. ha

Reply

candygirl98 | 0

#1768742 - Monday 29 November 2010 17:00

lmfao!!! ya blue is WAY better!!! blue zebra refrigerator!!!! #93 you are now my favorite

Reply

alliewillie | 22

#4256190 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 2:41

You didn't get $200 in traffic tickets because you prefer yellow highlighters.

You got the ticket because you stupidly ran a stop sign and could have hurt someone.

By af_fml | 0

#27958 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:11

That is a fucked up idea of causality. You got a ticket because you failed to obey the law, the highlighters had nothing to do with it.

Reply

dancer81 | 0

#1189313 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 20:15

agreed

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1225868 - Thursday 12 August 2010 3:26

agreed

Reply

Lucidium | 0

#1475720 - Thursday 30 September 2010 7:45

agreed.

Reply

HairyPunisher | 27

#4342371 - Monday 23 April 2012 5:12

agreed

Reply

DaniPandi | 22

#5545111 - Friday 21 June 2013 10:03

agreed

Reply

Fireashes250 | 16

#5596366 - Wednesday 24 July 2013 20:46

Agreed

Reply

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#5849186 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 8:26

agreed

Reply

alphabetta | 23

#5886856 - Sunday 16 March 2014 22:05

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

Sorry, but I had to.

By silversar59 | 0

#27966 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:17

you must be from california.

By alex_vik | 0

#27988 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:41

Maybe you should stop at stop signs? It's not like you needed the highlighters to save a life or something.

By Claeric | 0

#27989 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:42

You actually paid 200 dollars for blatantly breaking the law. It had nothing to do with highlighters.

By Bauer_fml | 0

#28001 - Thursday 12 March 2009 10:04

Today, I went to fmylife.com to read about other people's screwed up lives only to find that half of the stories were fake and the other half people doing highly stupid things trying to get sympathy from internet strangers. FML

Reply

qwerty8788 | 4

#1632635 - Sunday 31 October 2010 16:41

faggy picture

Reply

AhtnamasYerg | 0

#1998602 - Sunday 23 January 2011 6:58

Agreed! This site is quickly losing its appeal.

By FuzzMonkey09 | 0

#28003 - Thursday 12 March 2009 10:07

Next time, just use the damn blue highlighter! The words will still show. You are not gonna die from lack of yellow highlighter.

By 30days | 0

#28011 - Thursday 12 March 2009 10:28

In Jersey I got a ticket for not stopping at a stop sign and it was only $80 so that sucks, but still, just use the blue highlighter.

By amandarocks04 | 0

#28013 - Thursday 12 March 2009 10:31

If you prefer yellow highlighters over blue, then why wouldn't you keep a yellow one at your house, and why would you even have a blue one in the first place.
It's not the highlighters fault you ran a stop sign. It's yours. You running the stop sign has nothing to do with the highlights. That's just you being a careless drive.

By killface_fml | 0

#28014 - Thursday 12 March 2009 10:32

Today, my roommate was playing 80's music, which pisses me off. So I killed him. Now I'm going up against murder charges. So, basically, I'm going to jail because I don't like 80's music. FML

moron.

Reply

sugar_407 | 0

#525864 - Sunday 30 August 2009 6:35

hahahahahaha

Reply

soyunpoco | 0

#829214 - Saturday 6 February 2010 4:20

@10...lmao! thaats AWESOME. LOL. these externalizing people never get old. lol

Reply

xXxEmotionalxXx | 0

#899726 - Sunday 28 February 2010 7:24

Nice one, killface. OP, you deserve it because you're an idiot.