Miscellaneous: Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she... - FML

By LGFLIPSTER - Canada

Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she called "can you help me get the rest of the groceries out of the car?" I approached the car, and helped her un-load bags. She began hitting me, screaming "SOMEONE IS STEALING MY THINGS". She was actually asking her son in the car. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

F is for Family

All that time I'm never getting back

By Reno - United States - Reno

Today, while trying to find my phone in the depths of the sheets on my bed, I gave my comforter a huge shake. A second later, I heard a crash. My phone had miraculously flown straight into the glass of water on my nightstand. Found it. FML

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By maddie - 15/5/2020 05:00

Gross

Today, while I was working the drive-thru window, a customer sneezed into his hand and then handed me his money. FML

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By NotTilly - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl who was just as socially anxious as me. We spent the whole night staring at each other, then quickly looking away when the other person saw. FML

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By pat - United States

Uncertainty

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my music students began a lively debate about whether or not a music stand would make a good weapon for the zombie apocalypse. What am I teaching them? FML

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By ET - United States - Glendale

Today, I was at a small secret Santa with a group of friends. Everyone got each other some amazing gifts, the first person got a homemade self portrait, the second person got some professional grade playing cards, the third person got an album of past memories, and I got a pack of pens. FML

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By middleagednurse

Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML

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By maisie

Today, while at a family gathering, I sat down in a chair and it broke. Embarrassed, I picked myself up and sat down in another chair. That one broke too. I'm now the "fat girl" of the family despite weighing 90 pounds. FML

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By LonelyShowers - United States - Mission Hills

Today, my boyfriend pointed out that the water bill is getting kind of high. I suggested that we shower together to save water. He said he'd rather deal with the high water bill. FML

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By sickofthesmelltoo - Australia - Fitzroy

Smells like… victory

Today, my friends confronted me and told me that they no longer want to visit my house because my dog smells really disgusting. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the smell is actually my parents, who have been trying to "save water" by only showering once a fortnight. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 02:01

Gonna need more details, please

Today, I learned my husband thinks that our 10 year relationship has been a "step above mediocre" since 8 years ago, when we got married, and his family melted down that our wedding didn't happen their way, and thus began their undermining of our relationship. He believes it's "no ones fault." Uh huh. FML

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By Username

Today, a woman laughed after hearing my voice for the first time. This happens whenever I meet someone new, without fail. FML

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By gooddaydude - United States - Omaha

Today, my mom called 5 times and I didn't pick up due to being in class at college. I was later called to the front desk, where my mom was crying. She said she was worried about me because I didn't say "I love you" to her after she dropped me off at college. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

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By rykelmb - United States - Anchorage

Today, I dropped my father-in-law's friend off at the airport, and I got in trouble because he ended up missing his flight. He only missed it because he forgot to check in. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 02:08 - United States - Pittsburgh

Lockdown boredom

Today, thanks to 10 months of lockdown, the most intimate thing I have done on a Saturday night during this time is use a hobby knife to cut 1/4" thick calluses off my feet. I don't even walk anywhere. FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, I found my truck broken into. Whoever broke in ripped my dash apart, and the stupid idiot couldn't get the radio out. So now I have a trashed truck interior, and the moron has nothing to show for it. He did leave behind his Subway wrapper though. FML

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By katrina2d - United States - Vancouver

Today, my dad and I were having a conversation about boneless chicken. He told me that they are raised boneless, going into detail, and I bought every word of it. Not until he started laughing did I realize how gullible I really am. I'm 22. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was on the bus, when an elderly woman stepped in. She looked too weak to stand. She looked at me with her sad puppy eyes, expecting me to give up my seat for her. I felt sorry and got up. As soon as she sat down, she says, "Ha! Sucker!" She didn't look so cute anymore. FML

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By sailinggsoul

Today, I bought a box of tampons and went to the store restroom to insert one. I then put the box inside my purse. On my way out, I got stopped by security, who yelled at me to empty my purse. He grabbed my bag, spilling the tampons everywhere. Apparently, he thought I was stealing. FML

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By bleurghh - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a guy I like when I was out shopping. We acknowledged each other with a little wave, but as I walked away, I heard him say to his friend, "She's never gonna get me with THAT moustache." FML

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By fartwoman - United States

Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML

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By nonexistant - Canada

Today, while I was at a business supply store, I decided to get my old paper birth certificate laminated so it wouldn't deteriorate further. The people working decided to wait until after it was done and I had paid to tell me that laminating a birth certificate voids it. FML

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By Username

Today, at work, my phone rang. My intern answered it and told me it was a coworker who'd just left. I picked up and said "What's up bitch? What are you going to complain about now?!" It was actually my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I turned 17. My parents completely forgot it was my birthday, and when I reminded them, my dad thought it was my 18th. He was ecstatic and mentioned that I can "finally get the hell out." FML

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By DumbassRoaster - United States - Fairview

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

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By Ro - United States

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

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By crizzy - United States

Today, I dislocated my arm while trying to escape from underneath a flipped over kayak. Who saved me? My two brothers-in-law. Who didn't? My husband, because his "feet were hurting." FML

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By disgusted - United States - Logan

Today, I confessed to my coworker that I'm interested in her romantically. She turned me down, saying that I'm a great guy, but that she basically doesn't want mixed-race children. She said she isn't racist, though, so I guess it's all okay, right? FML

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By Me - United States

Today, while at a stop light, I was rear-ended by a car behind me. The guy got angry at me, because according to him, I should've known that his car has poor braking distance, and so I should've moved forward a few more feet to compensate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I realized my girlfriend makes the same exact noises in bed and when she eats. I don't know if I'm a really good cook or a really bad lover. FML

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By still sore

Relax!

Today, after months of asking my massage therapist boyfriend to work on me, and him always saying he’s too tired to do so, I called my local spa to make an appointment. He then screamed at me for wasting money and for going to the competition when he could just do the job himself. I'm confused too. FML

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By Mamaofdrama

Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

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By Prinpette - France

Today, to show that he really wanted me to shave myself, my boyfriend pretended to go down on me, but instead of following through, he stuck a wad of gum in my pubic hair and got back up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that if I don't clean out the litter box everyday, my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket. FML

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By Nightshade823 - United States

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

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By megatron - United States - Naperville

Today, my roommate decided to go on a group trip instead of paying our water bill. Now I can't shower until next week. FML

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By oh god why

Precision flinging

Today, while I was changing my tampon, I somehow managed to fling period blood into my eye. I wish I was making this up. FML

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By ohmydog - United States

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has a chipped tooth is because his teeth hit another girl's teeth while kissing her. FML

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Top comments

By Darling_Cherry | 5

#528868 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:14

Hilarious. That'll teach you to make yourself useful!

By Calaura9 | 0

#528878 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:18

You sound like a sweet guy. I love sweet innocent guys... mmmmmm....

COMMENTS

By Darling_Cherry | 5

#528868 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:14

Hilarious. That'll teach you to make yourself useful!

Reply

iflylo01 | 0

#528942 - Monday 31 August 2009 10:02

very witty comment, i love it.

Reply

FenderYK | 0

#529027 - Monday 31 August 2009 11:28

That reminds me of the time I saw Spy-Kids 3D. I was really excited to see it, but then at the ticket counter I realized I forgot my wallet in the car. So I ran into the car, got my ticket and watched Spy Kids :)

Reply

timtam24 | 0

#529049 - Monday 31 August 2009 11:40

wth?

Reply

LewJH | 0

#529214 - Monday 31 August 2009 14:38

HAHAH.

Reply

jennayyycx3 | 0

#529329 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:11

ahhahahaha

Reply

22jrdn55 | 15

#529905 - Monday 31 August 2009 21:45

# 24 how is this even related?

Reply

michael32123 | 0

#826573 - Friday 5 February 2010 5:54

#24 is an epic win

Reply

Sista92359 | 24

#6081377 - Sunday 5 October 2014 3:41

I don't get it

By joHnnycsU | 0

#528875 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:17

Did she even look at you?

By Calaura9 | 0

#528878 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:18

You sound like a sweet guy. I love sweet innocent guys... mmmmmm....

Reply

foXiekatt | 0

#536767 - Thursday 3 September 2009 19:01

i agreee, very sweet & gentleman of u.

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#1333084 - Wednesday 1 September 2010 10:47

throwing yourself at a guy for his fml , lol wow

By scifi | 0

#528879 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:18

Shoulda made eye contact. But didn't she notice you were putting the stuff in her car?

Reply

caticaticati | 3

#528979 - Monday 31 August 2009 10:39

It says she asked for whoever to help take groceries OUT of the car, unless it was a typo and OP meant cart. Or if I missed the 't' the few times I reread it.

By GreenAlbatross | 3

#528887 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:21

At least there are some gentlemen left in the world. Even if her son isn't one of them.

Reply

maplebaby | 0

#529019 - Monday 31 August 2009 11:18

I agree, gentlemen these days are few and far between...she should have been a little more understanding.

By itschris | 0

#528888 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:21

6th!! lOl sikee fyl tho

By Casualt1234 | 0

#528889 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:22

dun dun dun... the plot thickens!

By redbluegreen | 40

#528892 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:22

Well certainly you CAN but COULD you? (;

By Scorpitarrius | 0

#528913 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:32

If you ride away from this scenario in a police cruiser, now THAT is a true FML.
That still sucks though.

By Player_Three | 2

#528917 - Monday 31 August 2009 9:35

No good deed is left unpunished...