Miscellaneous: Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she... - FML

By LGFLIPSTER - 31/08/2009 03:32 - Canada

Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she called "can you help me get the rest of the groceries out of the car?" I approached the car, and helped her un-load bags. She began hitting me, screaming "SOMEONE IS STEALING MY THINGS". She was actually asking her son in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 648

You deserved it 6 537

Another great day to be alive

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

The Teaching Life

It's a doggy dog world

By Stephon - 04/08/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, my girl was giving me a BJ when my dog started howling. She keeps going; my dog keeps howling. She stops, my dog stops. We start getting it on again and my girl starts giving me a BJ again; my dog starts howling louder this time. So we stop. My dog stopped me from getting some. This is a first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 192

By SoupCanoe - 29/08/2011 08:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 042

You deserved it 3 842

By busted - 05/08/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Spicy

Today, I told my mum that the reason I hadn't contacted her for 3 days was that my internet was broken, when in reality I'd gone off for a dirty weekend with the guy I'm having sex with. I forgot my older sister worked for my internet provider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 2 145

By youwouldbeacat - 28/04/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that were in a plastic container out of the fridge and put them on top of the chips. After I’m completely done eating my mom looks in the fridge and asked me if I knew where the cat food was. I just ate a small can of cat food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 729

You deserved it 53 473

By shortyybrooke - 24/08/2017 04:30

Today, my wife sat beside me on the ledge of the bathtub because she wanted to make out. I was on the toilet. Shitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 180

You deserved it 394

By Anonymous - 02/12/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, my lawyer threatened to sue me because I can't afford his bill, which he sent to me after getting me out of a lawsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 168

You deserved it 36 920

By budbunny13 - 30/06/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 658

You deserved it 63 885

By kimmybr - 22/09/2009 09:36 - United States

Today, I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom. Tonight, my husband threw up all over the bathroom. He actually cleaned it up himself, including the toilet. I went to use the toilet, put down the seat and sat down. Guess which part of the toilet he DIDN'T clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 640

You deserved it 5 570

By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 12:30 - United States - Redding

Today, 9 years on, my dad still hates my husband for "ruining" my life by getting me pregnant in my late 20s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 970

You deserved it 1 548

By hellphone_fml - 01/07/2019 20:00

Today, someone knocked on my door. I yelled "Yeah?" while getting up, since it was locked. My grandpa walked in, as I apparently didn't actually lock it. I was naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 299

You deserved it 600

By PurpleSloth - 15/02/2013 13:57 - United States - Tracy

Today, I realized that without my birth control pills, I would have no idea what day it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 845

You deserved it 16 055

By Freebie - 17/06/2017 06:00 - United States - Altoona

Today, marks the third month that I have not received payment for work I did on web pages for a hospital chain. They owe me over $1,000. It will cost twice that to get a lawyer to force them to pay me what I'm owed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 705

You deserved it 346

By Vinny1017 - 07/10/2010 14:26 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father if I could marry his daughter. He smiled, shook my hand, and said "No, now get out of my house." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 349

You deserved it 4 820

Impossible relationship

By Anonymous - 05/11/2019 16:30

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 806

You deserved it 193

By Drew - 06/03/2013 15:16 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I discovered that the neck injury that my mom has had since last week was planned just as an excuse not to shovel when today's snowstorm came. She has planned on being lazy for over a week now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 914

You deserved it 3 103

By Anonymous - 27/05/2016 19:09 - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my husband was being obnoxious, so I jokingly sprayed him with the dish hose. The floor got wet, and he slipped and busted his knees. Our daughter rushed over to him to see if he was okay, then slipped and busted her head on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 570

You deserved it 7 038

By danggit3290 - 03/05/2009 17:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "you know, I am looking RIGHT at you," FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 951

You deserved it 89 221

By Coldsnap - 12/08/2011 17:25 - Sweden

Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 738

You deserved it 5 000

Food for thought

By Michael - 20/03/2021 05:02 - United States - Lincoln

Today, while assisting my 2 year-old with potty training, she stuck her hand in her own poop, and when I wasn't expecting it, put her fingers in my mouth. Ever wondered what a green blowout tastes like? I don't have to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 135

By ants9omarching - 10/03/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 501

You deserved it 5 926

By AnastasiyaNicholas - 18/02/2012 14:20 - United States

Today, my drunken mother woke up after having passed out and yelled at me for ditching school. It took half an hour to explain that it's 5:00, and I've already been to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 639

You deserved it 2 026

By franky - 25/03/2013 21:45 - Germany - Brunswick

Today, at a romantic dinner my boyfriend was treating me to, the waiter brought a "Will you marry me?" cake out with candles and sparklers. I probably should have checked that they'd brought it to the right table before dramatically screaming "Yes!" and jumping into my boyfriend's arms. They hadn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 733

You deserved it 7 393

By DC - 08/02/2009 12:37 - United States

Today, my virgin guy friend told me he wanted me to be his first. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 601

You deserved it 8 592

Scream

By dating a pussy - 18/02/2014 21:15 - United States - Maryville

Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 089

You deserved it 5 726

By faye - 14/02/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I got my license renewed and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said "guess we need to update the weight, huh?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 995

You deserved it 5 978

By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 00:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to the face of Billy, the puppet from Saw, staring down at me. I was so scared, I wet myself instantly. It was my cousin in a mask, who is staying over for Thanksgiving weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 013

You deserved it 6 114

By Anonymous - 29/12/2015 14:15

Today, I found out my wife has been taking "love thy neighbour" very literally with the bloke next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 373

You deserved it 1 512

By yamblam5 - 29/05/2016 03:32 - United States - Monroe

Today, it's been months since I graduated university. I still haven't managed to land a single interview. Meanwhile my brother recently woke up from a week long bender, realized he had no money for weed, went out, and 4 days later landed a well paid sales job 15 minutes from home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 740

You deserved it 1 487

Three years

By sleep deprived - 15/11/2019 20:00

Today, it's been three years since my sister gave me a kitten. Coincidentally, it’s also been three years since I've had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 496

You deserved it 335

By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - 17/12/2014 18:47 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 817

You deserved it 6 607

By Anonymous - 30/01/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, upon waking up, I took a sip on what I thought was a cup of water on my nightstand. I quickly discovered it was my roommate's cup of used mouthwash which she was too lazy to throw out the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 826

You deserved it 8 614

By Anonymous - 07/03/2010 14:08 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 882

You deserved it 6 751

Happy Birthday, Sweaty

By jezebel - 17/03/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, I got a call from the office telling me I was fired. When I asked why, my boss explained my mother called and told him I was in a "weak mental state." She thought she was helping me get off for my birthday. Now I have no job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 388

You deserved it 3 439

By fbcaught - 09/02/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 731

You deserved it 38 351

By Thebestman123 - 05/08/2011 02:45 - United States

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 989

You deserved it 3 206

By lucas - 12/12/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 533

You deserved it 3 163

By JessBaby - 04/05/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother passed away. When I told my boyfriend I began to cry. Instead of caring, he said "you're getting my bed wet," rolled over, and fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 883

You deserved it 6 552

By bullllllshittttt - 06/03/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 330

You deserved it 6 539

By -___- - 29/09/2013 19:46 - United States - Winfield

Spicy

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 617

You deserved it 27 635

By anonymous - 22/10/2014 02:11 - United States - Levittown

Today, I fell asleep on the couch. My parents didn't wake me up, went to bed and set our burglar alarm. If I trip a motion sensor, a siren will go off. The motion sensor in my living room is pointed directly at me and I have to pee. It's been 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 399

You deserved it 4 401

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Top comments

Darling_Cherry 5

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:14

Hilarious. That'll teach you to make yourself useful!

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:18

You sound like a sweet guy. I love sweet innocent guys... mmmmmm....

Comments

Darling_Cherry 5

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:14

Hilarious. That'll teach you to make yourself useful!

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Monday 31 August 2009 10:02

very witty comment, i love it.

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Monday 31 August 2009 11:28

That reminds me of the time I saw Spy-Kids 3D. I was really excited to see it, but then at the ticket counter I realized I forgot my wallet in the car. So I ran into the car, got my ticket and watched Spy Kids :)

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Monday 31 August 2009 11:40

wth?

LewJH 0

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Monday 31 August 2009 14:38

HAHAH.

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Monday 31 August 2009 16:11

ahhahahaha

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Monday 31 August 2009 21:45

# 24 how is this even related?

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Friday 5 February 2010 5:54

#24 is an epic win

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Sunday 5 October 2014 3:41

I don't get it

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:17

Did she even look at you?

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:18

You sound like a sweet guy. I love sweet innocent guys... mmmmmm....

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Thursday 3 September 2009 19:01

i agreee, very sweet & gentleman of u.

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 10:47

throwing yourself at a guy for his fml , lol wow

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:18

Shoulda made eye contact. But didn't she notice you were putting the stuff in her car?

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Monday 31 August 2009 10:39

It says she asked for whoever to help take groceries OUT of the car, unless it was a typo and OP meant cart. Or if I missed the 't' the few times I reread it.

GreenAlbatross 3

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:21

At least there are some gentlemen left in the world. Even if her son isn't one of them.

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Monday 31 August 2009 11:18

I agree, gentlemen these days are few and far between...she should have been a little more understanding.

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:21

6th!! lOl sikee fyl tho

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:22

dun dun dun... the plot thickens!

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:22

Well certainly you CAN but COULD you? (;

Scorpitarrius 0

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:32

If you ride away from this scenario in a police cruiser, now THAT is a true FML. That still sucks though.

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Monday 31 August 2009 9:35

No good deed is left unpunished...

Nearly

Today, I have to do a science presentation in approximately 10 minutes. I didn’t do the assignment or make a PowerPoint cause I stayed up all night trying to do my French homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 12

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 031

You deserved it 254

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 543

You deserved it 160