Today, I was stepping out of the shower while home alone. I heard... - FML

By Slipperywhenwet - 28/2/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, I was stepping out of the shower while home alone. I heard voices coming from the living room. I grabbed a bat to defend my self and ran into the living room. I slipped on my tile floor and smashed my TV with the bat. No one was in my house but I left my radio turned on. FML

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Season finale

Boom, headshot

Ungrateful

By Ihavealisp - 16/2/2011 02:32 - United States

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

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By Whyme - 9/1/2012 06:14 - United States

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

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By AnAngryyGiraffe - 6/12/2016 04:46 - United States - Chatsworth

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

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By jooshuarr - 18/6/2010 23:09 - Spain

Today, while tuning my bass guitar, I noticed a very strange screeching sound. I leaned over to look behind the neck. The biggest string snapped off and cut the side of my face. FML

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By ughh - 22/11/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML

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By Spider fail - 31/5/2016 19:06 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, my parents and I were looking through old photos. My dad comments, "Wow you were chubby back then. But that's ok, it was baby fat." Then he turns to me and asks, "What's your excuse now?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, upon waking up, I took a sip on what I thought was a cup of water on my nightstand. I quickly discovered it was my roommate's cup of used mouthwash which she was too lazy to throw out the night before. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2012 10:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was spreading scurrilous rumours about me all over our university. It appears that I distribute white supremacist propaganda, and that my sexual fantasies involve animals and vegetation. FML

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By projectfain - 22/5/2013 12:28 - United States - Akron

Today, I e-mailed the on-line instructor for my job, telling her that I had fallen behind in my work due to my grandmother's passing and the subsequent funeral arrangements, but that I would catch up this week. Her reply? "OK. Hope your grandmother gets better soon." FML

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By Cold feet - 7/4/2019 12:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I found out that my roommate was responsible for stealing my socks. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he did it because he likes looking at my bare feet and jerking off into my socks. We’re both guys. FML

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By tina - 17/8/2010 12:30 - Canada

Today, I ran into my boyfriend at the mall, the same boyfriend that told me he was taking a family vacation to Mexico. FML

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By Wolf - 20/1/2009 16:20 - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, while sitting next to me, my boyfriend sends a text to one of his "friends" saying "I'm thinking of you". FML

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By Greattitan2 - 29/6/2015 20:34 - United States - Beaufort

Today, I was working at a fast food restaurant when I cut my hand. There was a good amount of blood flowing out so I ran to my manager and asked where the first aid kit was. He then picked up a washcloth and some tape and handed it to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2013 17:23 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a girl who's in charge of a group project that I get graded on, asked if Bill Gates was a Founding Father. She was totally serious. I'm screwed. FML

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By birthdayfail - 24/5/2011 07:55

Today, it's my birthday. At my workplace, we always get a cake for whoever's birthday it is. They somehow forgot about me. I've been working there for a year, and my grandparents and my dad own the restaurant I work at. FML

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By FMluck - 26/2/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

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By Hunterxx - 7/8/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, my husband thought it'd be funny to trigger the alarm in the house while I was sleeping. Shocked, I ran outside naked. FML

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By bettercallpeta - 15/2/2013 05:42 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's delinquent kid shooting squirrels with a BB gun. Shocked and furious at his cruel behavior, I told him to stop, with the threat of telling his parents. He responded by shooting me in the nuts and running away in a fit of laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2011 11:29 - Australia

Today, I bought a new goldfish. While leaving my fish on my balcony to go get fish food, I hear a loud squawk and splash, I race outside to see a bird flying off with my fish. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 00:05 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me. FML

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By thanksmom - 20/7/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

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By sly - 25/10/2010 22:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2018 15:00

Charming...

Today, my toddler is starting to realize when she has a dirty diaper. How do I know? She walked up to me with a shit covered hand, saying "Poop Mommy! Poop!!" FML

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By Tanisha Skye Regeling - 11/6/2020 23:02

Night terrors

Today, I woke up with a headache and a bruised forehead after my husband full-force elbowed me in the head last night in his sleep. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact he has zero memory of doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2012 11:30 - Australia

Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML

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By forever damaged - 21/12/2015 04:24 - United States - Wallkill

Today, while I was working at a gas station, a man came up to the register with his zipper undone and his penis hanging out in full view. I had to awkwardly hand him his change while trying not to look or make eye contact. FML

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By Emily27 - 20/1/2012 11:56 - United Kingdom

Today, like every other day, my boss referred to my breasts as pillows he needs to nap on. FML

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By Fattymuch - 14/9/2011 14:27 - India

Today, I was online looking up ways to lose weight, get thinner and be healthier, all the while eating a slab of brownie that was half the size of my head. FML

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By yournick - 31/1/2011 21:23 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

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By Anyom - 27/7/2016 00:46 - United States - Detroit

Today, my friend got her first car. I bought mine 3 weeks ago and haven't started making payments. She came straight from the dealer ship to pick me up. She backed in to my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2018 12:00 - United States - Papillion

Today, I was left at home alone while my friends went on a trip to Paris I paid for. FML

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By OhNo - 13/7/2010 15:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my sister to pluck my eyebrows. She shaped them wrong, so now I look constantly sad. FML

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By I love my furry babies - 18/5/2019 16:09

Today, I got a hamster against my wife's will. I can't wait until she wakes up and I have to tell her it's loose in the house. FML

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By meesh22 - 6/10/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 15:59 - United States

Today, I lost my job to a girl that graduated with the same bachelor's degree from the same college as me. She also got a master's in an unrelated field. I've been working there 7 months, and her master's in maths apparently makes her a better athletic trainer than me. FML

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By Disturbed - 30/12/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2013 08:35 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I went to go see my granddad in the hospital and asked if he needed anything. He replied, "I need you to get out and send that hot nurse in, I may be old but I still got it." FML

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By apenglishstudent - 31/3/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I overheard a conversation two of my friends were having about Homer, so I interjected with a quip about a Simpson's episode I had seen before. They were talking about the poet. I'm an AP literature student. FML

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By yollew - 25/11/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I chipped a tooth trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. FML

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Top comments

By Seegtease | 0

#9401 - Saturday 28 February 2009 20:32

Why is your TV in a room with a tile floor? And if this was your bathroom, why was your bat handy in the bathroom? This smells.

By meridith | 0

#9382 - Saturday 28 February 2009 20:11

At least it would have made sense if you smashed the RADIO with a bat.

COMMENTS

By meridith | 0

#9382 - Saturday 28 February 2009 20:11

At least it would have made sense if you smashed the RADIO with a bat.

Reply

rends | 0

#1096743 - Friday 16 July 2010 7:12

what's up with people using bats recently to defend themselves? use a gun, u have the right to own one; take advantage!

Reply

azn_pridee69 | 0

#1204106 - Saturday 7 August 2010 17:43

nice going sherlock.

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#1445497 - Thursday 23 September 2010 4:52

wait... who has a bat in their bathroom

Reply

jonan1212 | 5

#1491597 - Sunday 3 October 2010 15:03

this

Reply

HunterAlpha1 | 8

#1552696 - Friday 15 October 2010 21:33

amen brother!

By urie | 0

#9388 - Saturday 28 February 2009 20:15

lol retard

By Melody_fml | 0

#9390 - Saturday 28 February 2009 20:16

HAHA that would suck!!!!!!

By Seegtease | 0

#9401 - Saturday 28 February 2009 20:32

Why is your TV in a room with a tile floor? And if this was your bathroom, why was your bat handy in the bathroom? This smells.

By d00d_c0m3_0n | 0

#9415 - Saturday 28 February 2009 20:47

maybe they had a bat in a hallway closet across from the bathroom, and one of those little kitchen tv's that got smashed.

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#9432 - Saturday 28 February 2009 21:05

baseball/softball player... inexpensive tile in the living room... TV in living room... yeah, it could happen.

By BeautyAndBrains | 0

#9438 - Saturday 28 February 2009 21:11

Why do you have a bat and a TV in your bathroom? I usually give people the benefit of the doubt, but seriously, this doesn't make any sense, unless you went to the kitchen or something, and grabbed the bat on your way there from your room or something.

Reply

bagsoffairydust | 10

#5303740 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 1:32

'ran into the living room' is a piece you might want to remember.

By KenMcGormick | 0

#9465 - Saturday 28 February 2009 21:58

hmmm reminds me of this movie with a spoilt radio going "we've only just begun......" lol... and what coincidence that im listening to this song while reading this FML

By jewbeans | 0

#9475 - Saturday 28 February 2009 22:14

lol

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#9478 - Saturday 28 February 2009 22:17

How stupid is it that until I got to the end of the fourth sentence I was like "he just grabbed a freaking bat? why in God's name did he have a bat?"
Oh, animals vs sports equipment.