Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt,...

By littlegirl - 7/5/2011 04:46 - Canada

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

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Love

Season finale

Fake News

Ungrateful

By ZeroApostle4Ever - 23/2/2012 08:00 - United States

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

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By ICallBullshxt - 18/3/2017 20:00

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

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By Lizz - 6/2/2009 19:25 - United States

Today, I got up the courage to go to my very first voice lesson. I thought I did alright, but at the end my teacher told me, "Now don't worry about grades in this class, I grade on effort, not on talent." FML

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By leovaldez - 22/6/2020 20:08

Call CPS!

Today, after years of having seasonal allergies and months of having my throat close up, my mom agreed to see a doctor, only to insult me in front of the doctor, saying I just find new ways to make their lives harder and I'm probably making it all up. FML

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By carl_carl_ - 25/7/2016 04:17 - United States - Grand Ledge

Today, I found my dad on a dating website looking for younger girls. My mother and father are "happily" married, well according to her Facebook profile. FML

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By zarko - 14/2/2017 14:00 - Croatia - Zagreb

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

Today, I created myself a Dropbox folder named "Traffic fines". FML

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By winner winner chicken dinner - 26/9/2018 05:00

Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night for months. It was a $750 bingo. I split with 85 other winners. My share was $8. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2012 08:24 - Australia - Bairnsdale

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

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By Evjoel - 12/9/2016 10:52 - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, I decided to take some local college courses to improve my résumé. I got into the physics room and a large, multi-colored sign in large print stated, "NO THROWING OR STABBING." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2016 21:02 - United States - Pasadena

Today, my mom called me for dinner by saying, "We're going to eat Steph! I mean we're going to eat COMMA Steph! We're not going to eat you! Ha ha!" She thinks this joke is hilarious and has been doing it to both my dad and me every night since early June. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 04:32 - United States

Today, I decided to sleep in for 5 extra minutes. Those 5 extra minutes became 55 minutes, which, coincidentally, was roughly the length of the midterm I missed. FML

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By Hide -n- Seek - 16/11/2019 20:00 - United States - Grand Prairie

Hide and Seek

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 16:01 - United States

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2020 05:00

Beautiful

Today, my boyfriend wrote me poetry. Here's how it went: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your tits." That's the most romantic thing he's done for me. FML

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By Nickname - 12/10/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, I went to the emergency room for busting my lip open, I had to lie and tell them I slipped and fell. In reality I was singing with the soap bottle and slammed it into my lip. FML

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By Jeff - 23/5/2019 22:21

Fight Club for Dummies

Today, my boyfriend and I were play fighting. He said, "I should stop trying to hurt you," before punching me in the face. I lost a tooth. He found it hilarious. FML

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By Slipperywhenwet - 28/2/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, I was stepping out of the shower while home alone. I heard voices coming from the living room. I grabbed a bat to defend my self and ran into the living room. I slipped on my tile floor and smashed my TV with the bat. No one was in my house but I left my radio turned on. FML

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By soundslikeadumbcommentersituation - 11/7/2014 20:34 - Canada - Brampton

Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2012 00:49 - United States - Dansville

Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML

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By Excalibur6669 - 31/12/2015 04:29 - United States - Parlin

Today, my sister is having a New Year's Eve party at our house. I'm not invited. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 05:39 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2019 14:00

Monday Morning Blues

Today, after a rough night, my husband's alarms started going off at 5 a.m. All 4 of them. Old town road, the Skyrim theme, that lady yelling, "I got shit to do today" and bagpipes. I'm awake. He's not. FML

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By letmediealready - 22/12/2017 19:00

Today I saved my wife's puppy from drowning in an icy pond and I ended up in the ER struggling to breath from the water in my lungs. When my wife showed up to see me, I caught her flirting with my doctor. FML

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By ouch - 19/12/2009 15:15 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

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By codizzy - 18/8/2016 22:05

Today, while working at my job at a lumber/hardware store, my coworker told me he was taking an hour break instead of the usual half-hour. Not only did he leave me with a store packed with customers on Customer Appreciation Day, but he never came back until closing time. FML

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By Chessmomma3 - 10/5/2019 01:00

Today, my 18-month-old found our "naughty drawer." I found her carrying a "toy" all over the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, and best friend, had baked a cake, and wouldnt tell anyone who it was for. When I asked he said I'd know soon. He met me after class to break up with me and offered me the cake to make me feel better. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 14:29

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

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By Krazydude1000 - 3/1/2020 14:00

My fingernail

Today, I found out that my old DVD player stopped reading my movie disks. I had the dumb idea to stick my finger in there to see what was the problem. I found the problem, and that was that my fingernail wasn't on my finger after that. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 05:04 - United States - Placentia

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy by text. I felt so betrayed, I stupidly tried to hurt her by replying that I'd been cheating on her all along with a hot babe. Turned out the dumping text was actually a prank by her friend. Now I'm single and everyone thinks I'm a cheater. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 14:03

Hairy situation

Today, after taking hair growth pills and using hair growth medicated shampoos, I have not seen any different in my thinning hair. Can't say the same about the hair sprouting on my knuckles, chin, and toes. My pubes are very thick, silky, and luscious thanks to the treatment. I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 19:18 - United States

Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML

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By Jan - 18/10/2013 06:13 - United States

Today, my mother topped someone's story of their child's problems by saying I'm on drugs. This resulted in people showing up to stage an intervention for me. She made the whole thing up and I've never used drugs, but no one believes me. FML

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By inveralaska - 16/6/2016 21:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on my first vacation in over two years, due to my hellish work schedule. The Governor essentially just vetoed my vacation with evacuation orders. Thanks, Hurricane Irene. FML

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By FenderBender - 3/9/2009 04:54 - Canada

Today, I was driving home from work and noticed the car behind me was tailgating me pretty badly. I was starting to get angry with the driver, and kept glancing in my rear view mirror at him. While I was doing so, the traffic ahead of me stopped, and I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Samantha - 13/3/2012 17:59 - Canada

Today, my dad insisted on having a family movie night. He chose the movies Jaws and Mayday. I'm going on a diving expedition tomorrow. FML

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By kerripjones - 14/7/2015 19:44 - United States - Newark

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2015 20:52 - Ireland

Today, my housemate got back at me for asking for her share of a bill by losing her virginity to the guy I like, very loudly. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 17:25 - Belgium

Today, I went to see a movie. While buying tickets, the girl behind the counter asked to show my ID card to proof I'm at least 16 years old. Not wanting to make a drama, I showed it. She took a look at it and declared it as fake. That ID is real and I'm 24. FML

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Top comments

By DjeePee | 24

#2472073 - Saturday 7 May 2011 12:07

Stare seductively? I bet you scared the shit out of him with your creepy stare.

By barlessprison | 16

#2472009 - Saturday 7 May 2011 11:55

well at least you made an impression!

COMMENTS

By samuel18 | 0

#2472007 - Saturday 7 May 2011 11:55

lol how cute i would of just said it happens to the best of us

littlemissFYL | 5

#2473311 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:44

how cute? it's actually annoying when girls TRY to act cute in front of guys. OP deserved it.

Zoh_Aubrey | 8

#2474314 - Saturday 7 May 2011 22:03

this FML is an true FML

instnt1nfction | 17

#2474964 - Sunday 8 May 2011 0:07

bagginzy | 14

#2478171 - Sunday 8 May 2011 15:08

Hey, who knows, maybe he's a vampire in which case you DID turn him on.

By barlessprison | 16

#2472009 - Saturday 7 May 2011 11:55

well at least you made an impression!

WiderWille | 11

#2472270 - Saturday 7 May 2011 14:14

Bloody right

ritbbehindu | 0

#2472279 - Saturday 7 May 2011 14:22

I see what you did there

instnt1nfction | 17

#2474988 - Sunday 8 May 2011 0:10

well she didn't...

fadingfaith | 4

#2475904 - Sunday 8 May 2011 4:00

It may not be a good impression but it's still an impression.

By DropDead77 | 11

#2472020 - Saturday 7 May 2011 11:56

That's hot

FYLminerocks | 7

#2473286 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:40

Not really.. what kind of guy wants a girl who can't aim towards her mouth..

parxxx | 0

#2473618 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:24

how?

IndianRapper | 0

#2474128 - Saturday 7 May 2011 21:30

87 im pretty sure he was being sarcastic..

dcam13 | 19

#2476953 - Sunday 8 May 2011 6:12

97, 87 would have to be stupid to not know that 4 was being sarcastic. ever heard of two people making sarcastic remarks? lol

By YacL | 15

#2472035 - Saturday 7 May 2011 11:59

Don't bother trying to act cute... just get on your knees and--JK, but really, don't bother trying to act cute... shut like that will happen... again.

YacL | 15

#2472056 - Saturday 7 May 2011 12:04

shit*

EverybodyHatesCh | 0

#2473210 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:24

oooooo!! she said a bad woooood!!

By wolve86 | 0

#2472049 - Saturday 7 May 2011 12:04

made it an actual bloody Mary I see

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2472063 - Saturday 7 May 2011 12:05

littlegirl? Are you in elementary school? Was the straw from a juice box?

msj1093 | 0

#2475148 - Sunday 8 May 2011 0:51

your a bitch

princessjazz | 0

#2475194 - Sunday 8 May 2011 1:01

Dude, that's funny

By DjeePee | 24

#2472073 - Saturday 7 May 2011 12:07

Stare seductively? I bet you scared the shit out of him with your creepy stare.

jklol11 | 0

#2472128 - Saturday 7 May 2011 12:26

hahahahahaha LMFAO

KBangUp13 | 0

#2479723 - Monday 9 May 2011 0:55

pahahah! thts funny!:)

By khaya | 9

#2472075 - Saturday 7 May 2011 12:08

Well now he knows where not to stick it.

By ribbyc80 | 0

#2472077 - Saturday 7 May 2011 12:08

next time, use a banana, it won't fit in ur nose

sourgirl101 | 28

#2472380 - Saturday 7 May 2011 15:18

I always break my banana into pieces before I eat them. Even when I'm home alone. I don't know why but I just do.(:

iamfreakinkylie | 0

#2472789 - Saturday 7 May 2011 17:16

I do that with those big pickles lol

kingatowning | 2

#2473217 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:27

yet. key word "yet". it won't fit into her nose yet

ribbyc80 | 0

#2477660 - Sunday 8 May 2011 9:58

well, 47/67, u seem to have an aversion to put cylindrical objects in your mouth, on behalf of the male population that's unfortunate:-p

BUT WAIT!!! there is a cure!!! and it takes lots of practice...

By SpectSelf | 0

#2472080 - Saturday 7 May 2011 12:09

that takes a lot if skill to do what you did

niki74_fml | 0

#2475989 - Sunday 8 May 2011 4:39

yea true, also courage