Today, I was sitting next to this cute guy on an airplane who... - FML

By Nutty - 24/6/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to this cute guy on an airplane who I had started talking to. There was still an empty seat between us and it seemed like there weren't any more passengers boarding the plane. I then asked out loud, "I wonder if anyone will sit between us?" He replied "I hope so." FML

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Season finale

Boozehound alert

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By Lolabunny - 21/8/2018 04:00 - United States - Anaheim

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Today, I went grocery shopping with my 4-year-old after having some major bathroom issues. As I walked over to get bananas, she yelled out in the middle of the produce section, "DO YOU STILL HAVE DIARRHEA MOMMY?!" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 09:44 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

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By copshop - 10/11/2011 11:40 - United States

Today, I was working the graveyard shift as a security guard. I fell asleep in my car doing paperwork around 2 am. When my supervisor came to check on me, he pounded on my window, wearing a "Scream" mask. I panicked and pepper sprayed him. Too bad my window was closed. FML

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By The Corner Of Death - 12/8/2013 08:17 - United States - Spring

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

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By webperson04 - 27/7/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

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By MovingOut - 16/1/2015 01:21 - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Today, my parents grounded me because I refused to do my little sister's homework for her. FML

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By really - 13/12/2016 08:24 - Australia

Today, after telling my boss about my hearing problem, she simply told me to "listen harder". FML

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By thebrokentardis - 22/9/2014 06:45 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike to work. In the hospital, every single nurse lectured me about how I wouldn't be here if I wore a helmet, which I'm sure would be really helpful to my broken leg. FML

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By Becca - 29/8/2019 04:00 - United States - Portland

Today, my mother-in-law "borrowed" my dog without asking, to show him off to her friends. My dog is my service animal, and I'm not comfortable leaving the house without him. I have to be at work in an hour, and she's not picking up her phone. FML

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By jeoak - 30/1/2013 17:25 - India

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML

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By Tori - 16/2/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

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By backseatbusted - 21/5/2013 16:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate in the backseat of his car, when a police car pulled up behind us. My mom later told me that intimacy was fine, just not in a car. We were in the car because she told me that intimacy was fine, just not in her house. FML

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By :/ - 4/3/2014 13:37

Today, I taught my 12-year-old brothers that showering cannot be used as a substitute for deodorant, and that they should use both. One of them was almost in tears. FML

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By J…… - 12/5/2020 17:00

Bad timing

Today, as I was talking to my girlfriend about how I need to find another job to be able to afford school next fall, I hit a deer causing about $3,000 in damages to my car. FML

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By davidthegreat - 5/7/2011 08:27 - Japan

Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML

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By FUCK A FUCKING DUCK - 23/11/2012 17:20 - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, I went out and bought a copy of Black Ops 2. I got home and opened the case, only to see the game disk was missing. When I went back to the store to complain, the guy at the desk accused me of trying to pull an old scam on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 17:30 - Switzerland - Corminboeuf

Today, I told my parents I don't really like children and probably won't have any in the future. They sat me down and gave me a lecture on how people who hate kids are heartless. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 14:00

Spare wheel

Today, an ex of mine told me she wanted a threesome. This was great until I realised I wasn't included. FML

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By ddhaley1 - 18/7/2015 19:08 - United States - Edmond

Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML

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By benjo - 6/8/2013 18:07 - United States

Today, I was lifeguarding a pool party for a bunch of eight year olds. One of them decided it'd be funny to have a contest to see who could make the most bubbles with their farts. It led to three kids shitting themselves in the pool, and me having the dubious honor of cleaning it up. FML

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By Fubar0906 - 19/5/2009 01:11 - United States

Today, I'm on vacation. I spent $4000 to surprise my boyfriend on a trip to Hawaii. We have been together over a year. Turns out, he hates the outdoors. He's mad at me for bringing him here and is upset at everything. He's in the room reading, I'm at the bar drinking $10 Mai Tai's. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2019 02:00

Today, I got lost in a car park, late at night, unable to find my car. I started panicking, so I called my dad. I sat down to catch my breath. After about 2 minutes, I heard a noise. I looked up to see a guy jerking off while watching me. He smiled, so I instinctively threw my backpack at his junk and he ran off. FML

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By Aphrodite - 23/1/2010 21:13 - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

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By TheJoker - 12/5/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped grabbed the ball for the kid and started to hand it to him. He then yelled "Stranger Danger" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30mins. FML

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By Kate - 17/10/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I was chatting with a customer who comes regularly to my job. He sticks his hand out and I put my hand on his, thinking he's giving me a high five. He was just waiting for his receipt. FML

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By makeitstop - 4/8/2011 13:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML

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By candidcripple - 30/12/2014 05:57 - United States

Today, while sitting in a handicapped seat on the bus, an old man angrily approached me and chewed me out in front of everyone for not leaving the seat empty for "those who actually need it." Then he stormed off the bus, stepping heavily on my broken foot. FML

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By disguested - 4/3/2010 20:01 - United States

Today, after threatening my son for weeks that if he didn't clean his room, I would, I went in, equipped with a garbage bag, ready to throw away everything I found, only to discover dozens of empty bottles, two partially empty pizza boxes, Taco Bell wrappers, and cockroaches. FML

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By NeedHeadPhone - 30/11/2009 16:51 - Canada

I love that for you

Today, I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. FML

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By FartMyLife - 11/8/2016 11:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, the VP of my company stopped by my desk to personally deliver praise on my recent performance. I watched in helpless horror as the noxious fart I had just released slapped him in the face. He was too polite to leave but gagged through his entire speech. If farts can kill careers... FML

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By Micmicmic - 15/4/2017 04:00 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, my mom let my younger brother borrow my car. He managed to crash it through the garage door. While I was in another country. Somehow, I manage to get berated by my mom because I'm not doing enough to make my brother feel better about him having an accident involving my car and my house. FML

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By sadmama - 23/2/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that while my mother-in-law claimed to be babysitting my son, she was actually dropping him off at an unlicensed “day care” in a shady part of town so she could go out. How did I find out? The house was raided by police. FML

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By Bonding_boys - 17/12/2012 16:21 - United States - Elk River

Today, I came home to find my husband and our 4-year-old son simultaneously peeing off the second-floor balcony. My husband was giggling like a little girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2019 16:00

Cancel Student Debt

Today, I paid $800.00 towards my student loans. That was the minimum payment. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, I had botox injections to stop my face sweating so much. Now the sweat is almost gone, but my facial expression seems to be stuck on "baffled." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2013 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

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By me - 20/12/2010 02:26 - Bulgaria

Today, my roommate asked me to lock the door as we left our place. I told her to use my keys, because my hands were full. Afterwards, she and her boyfriend set off out of town for the next couple of days. She forgot to give me back my keys. FML

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By loo - 6/7/2019 07:00

Today, I had to go claim benefits for the first time since working and paying taxes from the age of 16. I’m 50. They offered me an emergency payment of £1200, and I said no because I was too embarrassed to accept “charity.” FML

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By scfead - 14/8/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I was walking home when a man passed me and stopped. Thinking he was staring at my butt, I asked him kindly to stop. He then laughed and grabbed my wallet that was in my back pocket, and ran. He wasn't staring at my butt, and found it funny that I thought he was. FML

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By over_due - 21/6/2016 16:12 - United States

Today, I was giving a competitive dramatic speech. I got a little too into it and punched the ground to portray my character's anger. I must be one dedicated thespian because I was angry enough to break my hand. FML

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Top comments

By PumpkinTarte | 0

#335944 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:04

He's just a stranger ....

By metheonlyb | 17

#335953 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:10

Shit that must have hurt!!! Some people are just way too straightforward!

COMMENTS

By FPsLife | 5

#335941 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:04

Owned!

Reply

easylazy | 0

#336718 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 18:24

DID anyone sit there?

Reply

xander2347 | 0

#985034 - Monday 26 April 2010 6:21

ahhh, airplanes.....the start of so many awkward moments in life.....

By PumpkinTarte | 0

#335944 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:04

He's just a stranger ....

Reply

cherry26272627 | 6

#3823561 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 9:04

A stranger that she gets to spend the next few hours with...

By metheonlyb | 17

#335953 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:10

Shit that must have hurt!!! Some people are just way too straightforward!

Reply

zyxwvutsrqponmlk_fml | 0

#2498095 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:23

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By furry_fml | 6

#335957 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:11

Well that's mean

By Insert_Wit_Here | 0

#335973 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:17

That IS an extremely bizarre thing to say to someone you've just met though. Like, unless he was giving you tons of signs that he was interested in you, I don't know why exactly you would say something like that. Still, it doesn't merit being a douche...

Reply

anthems | 0

#339149 - Thursday 25 June 2009 8:35

she didn't say anything out of the ordinary, she was just thinking out loud. i mean, i wouldn't think it's bizarre for someone to ask me that. :

By Karya_fml | 0

#335974 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:19

I kinda understand, I hate it when random strangers talk to me on train. Still, it doesn't justify being a jerk.

By crazy_cat_lady24 | 0

#335989 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:34

He probably gave you a lot of signs that he wasn't interested and that you were annoying him by talking so much, but you missed them. Just pay more attention to people's reactions next time. Non-verbal communication is important in human contact.

Reply

Tubasaurus | 0

#336000 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:45

#7 makes a good point.

Reply

justxdream | 0

#336070 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 13:49

agreed.

ydi for being annoying lol

Reply

genius_man16 | 0

#336344 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 16:11

agree. Women complain about guys not getting subtle hints, but really, I find that it's women that don't get them

Reply

maggy_fml | 0

#339108 - Thursday 25 June 2009 8:19

ugh stop with the "women do this/that wrong" guys do the same thing. guys can be soo annoying without realizing it. it goes both ways

Reply

tampabayfan | 22

#976061 - Thursday 8 April 2010 1:05

lol

Reply

PaperCaper | 11

#1047388 - Monday 28 June 2010 20:42

Thank you 57.

Reply

zyxwvutsrqponmlk_fml | 0

#2498105 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:26

Hey, 57, you're doing something men don't that women do all the time, bitching, here's a hint, don't complain about male/female equality on a site like this, it starts flamewars.

By ShadowsThirteen | 0

#335994 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:39

^

By LMAO_over_here | 0

#336005 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:46

What a jerk! Good to know before you wasted any more time.

By zachman3334 | 0

#336018 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 12:53

It kind of sounded like you were talking to the airplane with the way you phrased the sentence. =P

Fyl though for sitting with a big jerk.