Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise,... - FML

By Redfaced - 15/5/2013 16:54 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

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Does it taste good?

Ant life

Noise

By sifa - 10/4/2009 07:06 - Malaysia

Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML

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By Poowee - 18/9/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I urgently needed to use the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. When I went to flush, it would not go down the pipes. After about ten panic filled minutes, I notice the cat litter box. I carefully scoop out my logs, and bury them in the cat litter. FML

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By firstdategonebad - 12/10/2012 18:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went on a coffee date with the man I've been in love with for a while. Before I knew what was going on, he'd started chatting up a pretty girl sitting nearby. I had to drink my coffee alone while he got her number. FML

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By Crushed - 9/12/2018 12:30

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2018 15:00

She definitely won though.

Today, as part of our prank war, my girlfriend found a hairy tarantula picture and stuck it on the wall. I hadn't yet told her I'm arachnophobic, and when I saw it I passed out and hit my head hard enough to need an ambulance. She decided she's won the war and I don't get a say in the matter. FML

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By FarisH - 31/5/2010 09:15 - Jordan

Today, I went to my orthodontist where I was informed that I'll going to the prom, to my brother's wedding, and maybe to university with braces in my mouth. FML

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By Elisa_LmR - 3/1/2014 23:28 - France

Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML

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By Ren - 24/2/2009 10:37 - United States

Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2017 20:00 - United States - Coplay

Today, my neighbor let me know that they've been taking care of my cats while I was away, including letting them in and out of my house. I don't own a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 18:09 - United States - Victorville

Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

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By Craig - 17/2/2010 06:30 - Canada

Today, I went to my hair dresser to get my haircut. When she asked me what I wanted, I told her "the usual". She confused me with another customer and gave me a mullet. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 15:18 - United States

Today, the pills my doctor prescribed for my extremely painful period cramps apparently have a side effect; excruciatingly painful cramps. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the ovaries with a rusty fork. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2019 00:30

Today, I realised just how lazy I am, when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. FML

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By halebop - 6/4/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I was talking with my father on the phone when I mentioned I wanted to stay at school over the summer and work. He asked if it would be lonely with the campus empty, when I replied that my friends would be working here too. He asked: "What, all two of them?" FML

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By woodre - 2/9/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, I was emptying a bag of grass from my lawn mower when I saw pieces of what used to be a 50 dollar bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2012 19:03 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML

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By random - 15/6/2011 14:23 - Canada

Today, I was approached by a police officer who instructed me to move because I was "threatening the elderly". I was sitting on a park bench in front of an old folks home. FML

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By kingpin9219 - 30/5/2011 04:29 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend in a crowded mall. I thought this was a good idea, until she went ballistic, began screaming and crying, and then stabbed me in the stomach with a ballpoint pen. I got banned from the mall. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2012 21:04 - Sweden - ?rsta

Today, I was watching a video from the 80s on sexual dysfunctions, and I noticed that one of the boys in the film looked strangely like my dad when he was younger. After a little investigation, I now know that in his youth, my dad had a crippling masturbation problem. FML

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By OhNo - 2/3/2013 13:31 - United States - Castlewood

Today, despite the fact of being together two years, and having a daughter, my fiancée still refuses to tell her parents about us. We're getting married in six months. FML

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By Anna - 11/10/2019 06:00

Great, some ice cream!

Today, after three years of working at my current occupation, they decided to give me a bonus for all of my hard work and effort. A 5$ gift card to Cold Stone. FML

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By fubuggie - 14/6/2013 05:57 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, while working the register, a known mentally-unstable man approached me. He ended up telling me that the Statue of Liberty is sexist and a screw-up by Washington. When I told him that the French made it, he told me to shut up and complained to my manager. He knows me by name now. FML

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By Scarlett - 16/2/2013 06:03 - Canada - Barrie

Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage. Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis. She won't stop asking about the "hotdog" in the picture. FML

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By nickcedola40 - 4/4/2013 00:24 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheel chair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheel chair. FML

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By Anna - 28/3/2012 01:08 - United States

Today, it's my twenty first birthday. My biggest birthday surprise was discovering that I'm alcohol intolerant, by vomiting my first beer all over my boyfriend's mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 02:01

Lazy comeback

Today, I was doing my job and trying to teach a lazy bunch of 16-year-olds. A girl entered the room just 15 minutes before class ended, so I snapped, "Someone had better have died for you to be this late!" She immediately burst into tears. Turns out, someone had. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2013 20:12 - United States

Today, I called my mother to tell her that I got engaged. In the 15 minute conversation that followed, 13 were spent listening to how this is going to affect her. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2019 04:00

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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By Calimero0 - 5/12/2017 01:30

Today, I felt so unwell that I didn't fall asleep until 4 AM. The baby woke up at 5, ready to start the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2013 11:15 - France - Ville-d'avray

Today, after a drunken New Year's Eve party with friends, I woke up with a penis on my cheek. It wasn't a drawing. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. I hope my charm and smile was enough for them to forgive me for not wearing pants. FML

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By Heinz - 8/8/2012 04:19 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the highlight of my day was that I could afford name-brand ketchup. FML

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By diablo - 23/5/2018 19:00

Today, I assisted my first customer at my first job as a Target cashier. When I rang up this lady's items and gave her the total, not only did she hiss at me and spit in my face, but she also dragged my manager over and demanded that he fire me. He did. FML

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By retailshell - 28/1/2015 15:01 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hope whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch". Okay then. FML

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By Notthatone - 21/4/2015 23:00 - United States - Madison

Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 02:38

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

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By Sleepless - 3/2/2014 13:29 - Australia

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

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By stupidbug. - 9/4/2012 08:28 - Canada

Today, I thought it would be funny to pee on a small bug in the toilet. A much larger bug thought it would be funny to fly into my eye while I was doing this. FML

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By katara - 2/7/2010 23:53 - United States

Busted

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, "Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn't like her?" It wasn't my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

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Top comments

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5493434 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:29

Guess you didnt find love in a hopeless place.

By envyelric | 6

#5493438 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Well he should've been more careful honestly who randomly strokes people?

COMMENTS

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5493434 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:29

Guess you didnt find love in a hopeless place.

Reply

SliceOfCake | 9

#5493443 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:31

at least she can still find dove in a soapless place.

Reply

gurly98 | 13

#5493520 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:13

#8 Your picture makes me hungry every time! WHY?!?

Reply

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5493589 - Thursday 16 May 2013 0:03

Lets hope she doesn't find bugs in a roachless place.

Reply

flockz | 19

#5493654 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:03

you'll never find stoners in a dopeless place.

Reply

SwordMeow | 4

#5493694 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:47

You guys making fun of song lyrics, always reminding me of somebody that I used to know.

Reply

Damn_Hippster | 11

#5493793 - Thursday 16 May 2013 4:09

I once found love in a hobo's face

Reply

Wimoweh | 10

#5493800 - Thursday 16 May 2013 4:20

I can't keep up with you damn hipsters, I'm still preoccupied with 1985.

Reply

adam3650 | 12

#5493973 - Thursday 16 May 2013 8:21

You mean when we had U2 and Blondie. And they still showed music on MTV?

Reply

roxxyfoxxy3 | 25

#5494342 - Thursday 16 May 2013 15:43

Those were the good days...no, those were the 70s. But still.

By adam3650 | 12

#5493437 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:29

I guess you really put your foot in it that time

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5493947 - Thursday 16 May 2013 7:30

I think OP was wrong footed...

Reply

Abbbiiieeeeeeeee | 16

#5495144 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:05

You could even say that they got off on the wrong foot.

By envyelric | 6

#5493438 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Well he should've been more careful honestly who randomly strokes people?

Reply

hamrtym | 15

#5493455 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:35

The guy in your photo.

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5493471 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:41

Billy Squier

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5493517 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:11

Stroke me, stroke me!

Reply

BreynHope | 11

#5493570 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:59

Lol why did this get thumbs down? Nice bs reference!

By Crazafon | 19

#5493439 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

"He started stroking his foot against mine". At what point did you consider this to be flirting?

Reply

xcam1995 | 6

#5493521 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:13

Depends, at what age does a man stop engaging in footsie? More importantly, what guy STARTS it? The cramp stretch would make more sense to me.

Reply

dakatabg | 31

#5493857 - Thursday 16 May 2013 5:22

She was desperate for a man

By falconpoke007 | 10

#5493440 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Rejection... Ouch.

By aruges93 | 12

#5493442 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Awkward

Reply

golden_warrior | 23

#5493514 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:07

No shit Sherlock Holmes

Reply

purpl3fac371 | 5

#5493528 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:21

Whoa, that's a pretty unused comeback there :^)

Reply

aruges93 | 12

#5493628 - Thursday 16 May 2013 0:45

Gosh people are so fucking mean u know what fuck all u people who thumb people down and are smart asses

Reply

kelseythompson | 27

#5493653 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:03

it's the internet get over it...

Reply

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5493672 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:23

4 - Subcription notice: FML would just like to remind you of your surroundings. This is the home of rejects, smartasses, and judgmental people. If you don't like it here, you're in the wrong place.

Reply

Wimoweh | 10

#5493804 - Thursday 16 May 2013 4:22

And to prove 50's point, 50, you forgot a 4. It should be 44, not 4. (Don't worry, I'm just proving your point)

Reply

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5496049 - Friday 17 May 2013 21:50

57 - Oh, my! You're absolutely correct. My apologies!

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5493444 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:31

Were you hoping to wake up next to him with his foot stroking your face?

Shhh.... you're Ok.

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#5493964 - Thursday 16 May 2013 8:04

"Didn't mean to wake you."

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5493445 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:32

Doesn't mean he's not interested. Try again!

Reply

perdix | 29

#5493475 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:43

#10, absolutely! Keep trying, OP! A restraining order just means that you have almost got him. Quitting is for losers.

Reply

dalink | 24

#5493928 - Thursday 16 May 2013 6:54

Yeah bc s&m play and stalking is the true form of all love.

By SliceOfCake | 9

#5493446 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:32

Who plays footsie to get rid of a cramp?

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5493482 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:46

Your picture makes me hungry...

By LaLa_xo | 14

#5493449 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:33

It's okay, everyone has those awkward moments. Laugh it off!