Intimacy: Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise,... - FML

By Redfaced - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

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Dangling modifier

The smell detective is on the case

Weirdo cousin

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my mom that I was taking antidepressants because I hate myself. She said "That's not surprising. You hate everybody. And, you're kind of a bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying to call him. When I did, it went straight to voicemail. It was a recording of him breaking up with me. He broke up with me over the phone, without even talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, my mum picked up a bunch of tissues that were scattered around my room. She examined them, then asked me to stop wasting her potential grandchildren. FML

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By creeper - United States

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. When the show was over I got the chance to meet them. When I met the guitarist and told him my name, he recognized me. To my disappointment it was as the facebook creeper. FML

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By GrumpyBunny - United States - Marysville

Today, I learned the true meaning of "throwing money down the toilet" when pulling my pants up, somehow my $100 Easter money fell out of my pocket mid flush. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I finished a big painting for art class. It's also the day my little brother decided it didn't have enough puke on it. FML

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By MSguy

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

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By Matasha - 19/4/2021 23:00

In flagrante delicto

Today, my 5 year-old daughter and I had the displeasure of walking in on my husband going down on another woman. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that it’s been 2 hours and my daughter won’t stop bawling, or the fact that my husband threw the biggest fit, because I “had to come home too early.” FML

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By Eww - United States - Salem

Today, a girl puked on me. No warnings, nothing. She just threw up on me, then walked off like nothing even happened. FML

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By Blah

Today, I learned that my (ex) boyfriend has a breastfeeding fetish. How did I learn this? I found him sneaking pictures of my breastfeeding sister. FML

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By dumped - South Africa

Today, I got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the Caribbean. He's breaking up with me. FML

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By Zippyzoo - United States

Today, when my boyfriend was about to orgasm, I suddenly sneezed all over his face. FML

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By hehe

Today, I went to shovel the massive amount of snow that was on our car. After spending time in the cold wind, I finally finished, realizing it wasn't my car. It was an identical car. FML

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By Anonymous

The Graduate

Today, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. The excitement didn't last too long because I broke my elbow by tripping over a stick at my graduation dinner. Definitely not intoxicated, just clumsy. FML

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By defrauded - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

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By tramrider - United Kingdom

Say cheese!

Today, I got on an empty tram and decided to sit at the back. A few minutes in, I heard a noise. Thinking it was the tram, I decided to ignore it. When I heard what sounded like a giggle, I looked around to see that it wasn't the tram, but it was some creepy middle-aged man taking photos of me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bridgewater

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML

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By Anonymous - Jordan - Amman

Today, my 12-year-old son played QWOP on my laptop. Half an hour later, he virtually destroyed it in a fit of rage. FML

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By buckerooo

Too much feeling!

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky when we decide to try the old 69. One thing leads to another when her clit ring went deep into my nose, and leaving me feeling like the wrong kind of bull. FML

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By looking - United States

Today, I joined a dating website and spent all day filling out and improving my profile. My first match is a guy who relentlessly tried to date me for all 4 years of high school. Now he just has more reasons to tell me how much we're meant to be. We're a 97% match. FML

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By bookworm94 - United States

Today, my immature dad said I am a girl not a woman, so my witty response was ''I have a period, I'm pretty sure that makes me a woman.'' My dad stole my phone and sent a text to everyone in my address book, quoting me. Including the guy I like. FML

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By hearingthings - Australia - Perth

Today, in a drunken, depressed state I thought I heard my deceased mother trying to make contact with me from beyond the grave. It took me a moment to realise that the soft voice was from the music my neighbours were playing. FML

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By Heretique - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

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By simon - Canada

Today, I moved into university residence, looking forward to finally being able to come out of the closet. I started chatting with the hot guy moving in next door to me. He said I was cool, and he was glad because he was afraid he'd be living next to a gay guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Castle

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML

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By somechick - Canada

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the "I know I'm not your mother..." speech. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Today, one of my nostrils became completely blocked. At lunch time, I went out to my car to dig into my nose. When I finished, I held up the cornflake sized booger in victory. I noticed too late that my boss was in a car adjacent to me, shooting me a horrified look. FML

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By bruised - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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By fml9124 - 14/11/2020 11:02

The long goodbye

Today, my 79-year-old mom who has Alzheimer's fondly remembered all the wild sex she had with me back in the 1960s. I wasn't born then. She thinks I'm my dad, who died 15 years ago. In all of our conversations now, she talks to me as if she is talking to her husband and some of the talks turn racy. FML

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By anxiety - United States

Today, I had an anxiety attack because I thought I'd lost my anxiety medication. It ended up being on the shelf right where I left it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 20:00

Tasty

Today, while picking up my extremely drunk girlfriend from a party, she insisted on attempting to make out with me. She threw up in my mouth mid-kiss. FML

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By crashingdown - Australia

Today, I had a weird dream I woke up on the bathroom floor at my local gym. Turns out it wasn't a dream, and I passed out from "overworking myself". I was on the treadmill for under 5 minutes, walking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buford

Today, on Facebook, I mentioned that I'd just finished reading the novel Pet Sematary. Two hours later, I'd lost two friends and my boyfriend, after they commented "learn to spell, dumbass", "u illiterate fucker", and "well, I'm not dating you for your brains, am I?" I hate humanity. FML

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By 918boyz - United States

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I realized I love my boyfriend's cat more than my boyfriend. The only reason we're still together is I don't want to lose custody of the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML

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By jerrid - United States

Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML

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By Chandler - United States

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML

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By Briana Bettis

Don't dip your pen in company ink, etc.

Today, after 2 years of searching, I finally have a job that I love. Now I'm probably going to lose it because I started having sex with one of my managers, and our coworkers are starting to catch on. They caught on pretty much the day I told him that we should stop having sex so we wouldn't lose our jobs. FML

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Top comments

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5493434 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:29

Guess you didnt find love in a hopeless place.

By envyelric | 6

#5493438 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Well he should've been more careful honestly who randomly strokes people?

COMMENTS

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5493434 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:29

Guess you didnt find love in a hopeless place.

Reply

SliceOfCake | 9

#5493443 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:31

at least she can still find dove in a soapless place.

Reply

gurly98 | 13

#5493520 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:13

#8 Your picture makes me hungry every time! WHY?!?

Reply

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5493589 - Thursday 16 May 2013 0:03

Lets hope she doesn't find bugs in a roachless place.

Reply

flockz | 19

#5493654 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:03

you'll never find stoners in a dopeless place.

Reply

SwordMeow | 4

#5493694 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:47

You guys making fun of song lyrics, always reminding me of somebody that I used to know.

Reply

Damn_Hippster | 11

#5493793 - Thursday 16 May 2013 4:09

I once found love in a hobo's face

Reply

Wimoweh | 10

#5493800 - Thursday 16 May 2013 4:20

I can't keep up with you damn hipsters, I'm still preoccupied with 1985.

Reply

adam3650 | 12

#5493973 - Thursday 16 May 2013 8:21

You mean when we had U2 and Blondie. And they still showed music on MTV?

Reply

roxxyfoxxy3 | 25

#5494342 - Thursday 16 May 2013 15:43

Those were the good days...no, those were the 70s. But still.

By adam3650 | 12

#5493437 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:29

I guess you really put your foot in it that time

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5493947 - Thursday 16 May 2013 7:30

I think OP was wrong footed...

Reply

Abbbiiieeeeeeeee | 16

#5495144 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:05

You could even say that they got off on the wrong foot.

By envyelric | 6

#5493438 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Well he should've been more careful honestly who randomly strokes people?

Reply

hamrtym | 15

#5493455 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:35

The guy in your photo.

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5493471 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:41

Billy Squier

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5493517 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:11

Stroke me, stroke me!

Reply

BreynHope | 11

#5493570 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:59

Lol why did this get thumbs down? Nice bs reference!

By Crazafon | 19

#5493439 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

"He started stroking his foot against mine". At what point did you consider this to be flirting?

Reply

xcam1995 | 6

#5493521 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:13

Depends, at what age does a man stop engaging in footsie? More importantly, what guy STARTS it? The cramp stretch would make more sense to me.

Reply

dakatabg | 31

#5493857 - Thursday 16 May 2013 5:22

She was desperate for a man

By falconpoke007 | 10

#5493440 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Rejection... Ouch.

By aruges93 | 12

#5493442 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Awkward

Reply

golden_warrior | 23

#5493514 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:07

No shit Sherlock Holmes

Reply

purpl3fac371 | 5

#5493528 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:21

Whoa, that's a pretty unused comeback there :^)

Reply

aruges93 | 12

#5493628 - Thursday 16 May 2013 0:45

Gosh people are so fucking mean u know what fuck all u people who thumb people down and are smart asses

Reply

kelseythompson | 27

#5493653 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:03

it's the internet get over it...

Reply

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5493672 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:23

4 - Subcription notice: FML would just like to remind you of your surroundings. This is the home of rejects, smartasses, and judgmental people. If you don't like it here, you're in the wrong place.

Reply

Wimoweh | 10

#5493804 - Thursday 16 May 2013 4:22

And to prove 50's point, 50, you forgot a 4. It should be 44, not 4. (Don't worry, I'm just proving your point)

Reply

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5496049 - Friday 17 May 2013 21:50

57 - Oh, my! You're absolutely correct. My apologies!

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5493444 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:31

Were you hoping to wake up next to him with his foot stroking your face?

Shhh.... you're Ok.

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#5493964 - Thursday 16 May 2013 8:04

"Didn't mean to wake you."

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5493445 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:32

Doesn't mean he's not interested. Try again!

Reply

perdix | 29

#5493475 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:43

#10, absolutely! Keep trying, OP! A restraining order just means that you have almost got him. Quitting is for losers.

Reply

dalink | 24

#5493928 - Thursday 16 May 2013 6:54

Yeah bc s&m play and stalking is the true form of all love.

By SliceOfCake | 9

#5493446 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:32

Who plays footsie to get rid of a cramp?

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5493482 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:46

Your picture makes me hungry...

By LaLa_xo | 14

#5493449 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:33

It's okay, everyone has those awkward moments. Laugh it off!