Intimacy: Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise,... - FML

By Redfaced - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

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Late term

Miscommunication

Man's best friend

By can you read? - United States

Today, I got a ticket for driving without insurance. I gave the cop my insurance information, but he said it was invalid because it didn't show an expiration date. When I pointed out the information he was looking for, he ignored me and gave me a ticket anyway. FML

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By PrinceJ

Today, my girlfriend's homophobic cousin claimed she saw me making out with my gay friend in public. I was home alone all day, but my girlfriend is crying and unconvinced. FML

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By mylifeblows - United States

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

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By ouch - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I thought maybe I should go to my doctor because my hips crack every time I take a step. But she's also my recently ex-boyfriend's mom, so I have to choose between being in constant pain or having my doctor poke at my hips while asking me why I'm no longer dating her son. FML

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By WentInABush - United States - Portland

Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dog died. I spent ages digging him a grave and buried him in the garden so that my dad wouldn't have to deal with the stress when he got home from work. When my dad got home he told me that he had wanted the dog to be cremated. I have just had to dig up my dog's body. FML

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By sickened - United Kingdom - Gateshead

Today, I had a garage sale, and had amongst my clothing a few sets of underwear. A old man came up and asked to buy all of them. I'm so poor, I couldn't say no to the pervert. FML

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By hitnmiss66 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad turns around and says he was expecting him to have a guide dog. This is why I don't have much confidence in myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family and I went Christmas tree shopping. My husband and I were walking around when I saw the perfect tree. Excited, we immediately bought it. When we got home and set it up, I realized it came with a present: termites. FML

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By vegantreegirl

Today, I was using the restroom at work when my glasses slipped off my face and landed right in the toilet. FML

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By uhoh - Canada - Sechelt

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. He put me up against the wall and I yelled, "Harder!" without thinking. I heard the entire house go silent, my dad and his friends included. FML

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By [SiMON] - France

Today, I invited a girl I really like to spend the afternoon at my place. Everything went great... with my sister. They became really good friends, and me, well, I tried to alleviate my boredom in front of my computer. FML

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By dumped - United States

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

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By failure - Russian Federation

Today, my neighbour's boiler broke and flooded his home. To solve the problem, the water company shut off the neighbourhood's water supply while they fixed his boiler. I am now unable to shower, and I smell like a zoo animal. FML

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By AbhorrentApplication - United States - Reston

Today, my ten-year-old sister had to write out my job application because no one can read my terrible handwriting. FML

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By emie0209 - United States

Today, my friend and I were driving to Florida from Michigan. While going through Ohio my car hydroplaned over a puddle on the highway. I ended up hitting the median and my car got wrecked. Not only am I stuck in Ohio with a car that wont work, I got a ticket for $300 for hitting Ohio property. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML

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By RawrSparkle - United States - Davis

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

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By OMFG I LOVE MLP - Germany - Mainz

Today, my friends set me up on a blind date. I thought it went well, and while saying our goodbyes, I leaned in to give her a kiss. She pulled way, laughed, "I'm not drunk enough for that," and left. FML

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By squad - United States - Washington

My first time

Today, I lost my virginity with my boyfriend. As he was about to cum, I moaned his brother's name. I've never even met his brother and now I'm single. FML

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By whatnow - United States - Carmel

Today, I fell asleep on the couch while babysitting. When the kids' parents came home, they made fake crying noises to see if I would wake up. I slept like a baby, and by the time they finally roused me, I'd left a nice drool stain on the armrest. FML

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By CatLover - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

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By Is_This_Real - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I hooked up with a friend. I expressed an interest in it becoming something more. He expressed an interest in not telling anyone and pretending it never happened. FML

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By QueenCee - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at work, a guy complained about me "touching his fries." At first I thought it was a joke, because he kept smiling, even after I offered him new ones. I realized it wasn't a joke when he threw the fries on the counter. FML

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By CrazzY88s - Ireland

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

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By not chicken spaghetti - United States - Clarksville

Today, while cooking supper with my boyfriend, we both smelled something funny. He tasted the sauce I was making, then asked me to taste it because something was off. I guess the burned teflon of our cheap pot mixed with Rotel just doesn't work that well. Now we're having dry chicken and plain noodles. FML

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By Ouchie - Ireland - Celbridge

Today, in an effort to be more active, I jumped out of bed ready for a morning jog. Or, that was the plan. Instead, I twisted my knee so badly standing up, it's now locked, and I can't move it. So much for activity. FML

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By Lootz - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I overheard a "friend" talking about me and my recently deceased dog. He said: "Only time I've seen someone get that upset over someone dying, they were fucking each other. Just sayin'." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a full on "conversation" with my cat about her laying off the catnip. I really need to get out more. FML

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By IHateBeingAStudent

Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 23:01 - Netherlands

Side effects

Today, I’ve been horny for weeks on end. Because I’m on antidepressants, I can’t orgasm, so the horniness won’t go away. The only thing I do is go to the gym, where literally EVERYONE seems fuckable. While I’m not depressed anymore, my vagina is. FML

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By Anonymous

The old switcheroo

Today, I was unable to go on my dream vacation because I thought I'd lost my passport. Feeling incredibly stupid, I had no choice but to watch my plane depart without me. Shortly after, my brother handed me passport, saying that since I wasn't going on my trip, I could use my refund to pay for his cat's surgery. My trip was non-refundable. FML

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By ohmaigawd - Argentina

Today, my boyfriend proposed by painting his chest with "marry me?" and an arrow going down. The ring was attached to his penis with a string. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend of two years cheating on me. Instead of the usual excuses, he panicked and claimed he was my boyfriend's long-lost twin brother. He even tried to put on a fake accent. FML

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By Anonymous

Overreaction much?

Today, my boyfriend's mum yelled at me for, "nagging Stephen to get married when he isn't ready." I mentioned marriage once. At my sister's wedding. When prompted by my grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

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By Anonymous

3spooky5me

Today, I stayed the night at a friend's house for the first time. I went to get water from the kitchen when I saw a cat staring at me. I looked back and it ran off. I told my friend about it. He doesn’t have a cat. FML

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By irishbubble - Australia - Sydney

Today, after finally seeing a psychologist about the death of my dad and spending the longest hour of my life confessing every thought I've experienced in the 6 years since his passing, my psychologist asked me if I was walking home or if my dad would be picking me up. FML

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Top comments

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5493434 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:29

Guess you didnt find love in a hopeless place.

By envyelric | 6

#5493438 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Well he should've been more careful honestly who randomly strokes people?

COMMENTS

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5493434 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:29

Guess you didnt find love in a hopeless place.

Reply

SliceOfCake | 9

#5493443 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:31

at least she can still find dove in a soapless place.

Reply

gurly98 | 13

#5493520 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:13

#8 Your picture makes me hungry every time! WHY?!?

Reply

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5493589 - Thursday 16 May 2013 0:03

Lets hope she doesn't find bugs in a roachless place.

Reply

flockz | 19

#5493654 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:03

you'll never find stoners in a dopeless place.

Reply

SwordMeow | 4

#5493694 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:47

You guys making fun of song lyrics, always reminding me of somebody that I used to know.

Reply

Damn_Hippster | 11

#5493793 - Thursday 16 May 2013 4:09

I once found love in a hobo's face

Reply

Wimoweh | 10

#5493800 - Thursday 16 May 2013 4:20

I can't keep up with you damn hipsters, I'm still preoccupied with 1985.

Reply

adam3650 | 12

#5493973 - Thursday 16 May 2013 8:21

You mean when we had U2 and Blondie. And they still showed music on MTV?

Reply

roxxyfoxxy3 | 25

#5494342 - Thursday 16 May 2013 15:43

Those were the good days...no, those were the 70s. But still.

By adam3650 | 12

#5493437 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:29

I guess you really put your foot in it that time

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5493947 - Thursday 16 May 2013 7:30

I think OP was wrong footed...

Reply

Abbbiiieeeeeeeee | 16

#5495144 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:05

You could even say that they got off on the wrong foot.

By envyelric | 6

#5493438 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Well he should've been more careful honestly who randomly strokes people?

Reply

hamrtym | 15

#5493455 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:35

The guy in your photo.

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5493471 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:41

Billy Squier

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5493517 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:11

Stroke me, stroke me!

Reply

BreynHope | 11

#5493570 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:59

Lol why did this get thumbs down? Nice bs reference!

By Crazafon | 19

#5493439 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

"He started stroking his foot against mine". At what point did you consider this to be flirting?

Reply

xcam1995 | 6

#5493521 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:13

Depends, at what age does a man stop engaging in footsie? More importantly, what guy STARTS it? The cramp stretch would make more sense to me.

Reply

dakatabg | 31

#5493857 - Thursday 16 May 2013 5:22

She was desperate for a man

By falconpoke007 | 10

#5493440 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Rejection... Ouch.

By aruges93 | 12

#5493442 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:30

Awkward

Reply

golden_warrior | 23

#5493514 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:07

No shit Sherlock Holmes

Reply

purpl3fac371 | 5

#5493528 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 23:21

Whoa, that's a pretty unused comeback there :^)

Reply

aruges93 | 12

#5493628 - Thursday 16 May 2013 0:45

Gosh people are so fucking mean u know what fuck all u people who thumb people down and are smart asses

Reply

kelseythompson | 27

#5493653 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:03

it's the internet get over it...

Reply

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5493672 - Thursday 16 May 2013 1:23

4 - Subcription notice: FML would just like to remind you of your surroundings. This is the home of rejects, smartasses, and judgmental people. If you don't like it here, you're in the wrong place.

Reply

Wimoweh | 10

#5493804 - Thursday 16 May 2013 4:22

And to prove 50's point, 50, you forgot a 4. It should be 44, not 4. (Don't worry, I'm just proving your point)

Reply

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5496049 - Friday 17 May 2013 21:50

57 - Oh, my! You're absolutely correct. My apologies!

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5493444 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:31

Were you hoping to wake up next to him with his foot stroking your face?

Shhh.... you're Ok.

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#5493964 - Thursday 16 May 2013 8:04

"Didn't mean to wake you."

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5493445 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:32

Doesn't mean he's not interested. Try again!

Reply

perdix | 29

#5493475 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:43

#10, absolutely! Keep trying, OP! A restraining order just means that you have almost got him. Quitting is for losers.

Reply

dalink | 24

#5493928 - Thursday 16 May 2013 6:54

Yeah bc s&m play and stalking is the true form of all love.

By SliceOfCake | 9

#5493446 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:32

Who plays footsie to get rid of a cramp?

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5493482 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:46

Your picture makes me hungry...

By LaLa_xo | 14

#5493449 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 22:33

It's okay, everyone has those awkward moments. Laugh it off!