Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start... - FML

By anon - 4/5/2009 21:56 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended he loudly complained to his friends about the annoying girl sitting next to him. FML

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Time don't heal nothing

Fear factor

You snooze, you lose

By choldcreations - 7/3/2010 14:12 - United States

Today, I was eating pizza with my girlfriend. She got sauce on the corner of her mouth so I tried to be sexy and lick it off. It wasn't sauce, it was a cluster of zits. FML

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By meantowheels - 21/6/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

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By she has dumbcuntitis - 3/6/2015 06:03 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, my roommate bitched me out over my "OCD" driving the water bill up. She takes hour-long showers, but apparently me flushing after peeing "wasteful" and a sign of a neurological disorder. FML

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By ihatekids - 14/7/2016 20:43

Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

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By Ava_Darkflame - 1/1/2017 15:54 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I had to call the police to get my crazy stalker of a neighbor out of my house. When the police arrived, I found out that she was friends with the officer. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2012 06:31

Today, due to bad weather, my dad let me take his car to drive to my apartment 3 hours away. I only realized when I got there that my keys were still sitting on my parents' kitchen counter. FML

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By MushyKetchup - 14/8/2015 07:01 - United States - Amarillo

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

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By areyouserial - 5/12/2011 13:21 - United States

Today, Santa ran over my foot with a Segway. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2015 17:36 - United States - Show Low

Today, I picked up an elderly woman walking alone in the cold. I asked her where she was going but she didn't respond. Thinking she was just cold, I kept driving until a man driving erratically kept honking at me. Turns out he's her husband and she has severe Alzheimers. FML

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By Dexter_39476 - 24/1/2016 05:40 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out my family refers to my room as "the virgin cave". FML

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By arace15336 - 22/8/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2009 13:05 - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

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By mzgabbster - 24/10/2010 12:21 - United States

Today, I was having the most wonderful bath. The water was steaming, the bubbles were bubbly, and I was reading a really good book. I put my book down to yawn and looked to my right. My gaze was met by the lovely face of my brother's pet tarantula. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 13:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I found a letter in the postbox at my new flat which ran something along these lines of: "Hi. We're the gas company. You owe us £1,229.79 and have 7 days to pay us. Lotsa love, dated 7th September." FML

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By GuitarNerd - 23/1/2017 22:41 - United States - Denver

Today, my mom told me that I would get to leave school halfway through the day. What she didn't tell me was that the reason I was missing school was to get 2 teeth pulled. FML

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By toto13660 - 29/6/2016 20:10

Today, at the beach, a seagull conveyed its opinion of my cigarette by taking a dump on it, putting it out. Seems they have anti-tobacco sniper seagulls now. FML

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By sleep deprived - 15/11/2019 20:00

Three years

Today, it's been three years since my sister gave me a kitten. Coincidentally, it’s also been three years since I've had sex. FML

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By furbys69 - 31/5/2017 09:00 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get frisky when the Furby Party Rocker all the way across the room started going off on its own and completely killed the mood. I took the batteries out of the little bastard immediately, but the mood was lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2012 19:02 - Canada - London

Today, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. After yelling and arguing my point, my cat got up and jumped up next to her on the bed. He sat down, and they both glared at me until I left. FML

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By EgoMoose - 28/12/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my mom held an intervention for me. Yesterday, I told her I'd tried pot once. Seven years ago. FML

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By Brrrb - 5/3/2009 05:22 - Singapore

Today, I passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step in, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, "All the sizes here are too small for you". FML

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By lol - 6/12/2009 14:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see for two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 16:47 - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, I got an angry text, asking me why I wasn't at the staff dinner. I've been gone for the last 2 weeks, and I wasn't told about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2017 20:00

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 16:02 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out first-hand that the most horrifying sight you can ever witness is two morbidly obese people getting nasty with each other in a dance club's run-down, public restroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 20:09 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend decided to re-enact a scene from Family Guy. He locked me in the car with him and farted deadly ones repeatedly. He wouldn't let me out until I learned to "love the gas." FML

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By Ihatemyfamily - 5/9/2016 21:46 - United States - Euless

Today, my brother's high school was having a soccer game against mine, and as a sign of good luck, I told him to "break a leg". He broke mine. FML

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By Neurocardiogenic Syncope - 24/8/2012 04:08 - Canada

Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML

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By EwwEwwEww - 19/2/2017 03:00 - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that the floor outside our bathroom was covered in toenail clippings. I asked my husband what had happened. Turns out, he saves time by clipping his nails onto the floor and then sweeping them out into the hall, where they get lodged in the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I spent five hours sobbing in my room due to anti-depressant withdrawal. My mother refused to come and talk to me, because I'm "a terrible, hateful child who only cares about herself." Last week I spent two hours comforting her because my brother hadn't called in a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2015 01:21 - Canada

Today, I found out my bank charged me $50 for not having any money. Way to go bank, way to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2015 21:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML

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By boring - 10/5/2010 10:14 - New Zealand

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

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By Jerry - 19/12/2017 15:00

Such a Jerry thing to do...

Today, I woke up and realized I didn't start a fire last night. I live in Alaska and our winter nights can reach -30 below zero. My fish are dead, my plasma television won't turn on, and the cat has frostbite. FML

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By lolo - 22/2/2013 00:16 - Israel - Ofaqim

Today, I downloaded a movie that I already own on DVD, because I was feeling too lazy to get up and fetch it from the living room. I think I've hit rock bottom. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 06:00 - United States - New Rochelle

Today, I went fishing. Not only did I lose the fish, I lost the entire rod. FML

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By SierraCheyenne - 26/3/2020 23:09 - United States - Denver

Poor Henry

Today, I came home to my boyfriend standing in the living room with his dick in the vacuum cleaner hose. Instead of being embarrassed, he simply said, "The vacuum does it better." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 07:48 - Australia

Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML

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By Broke - 28/5/2012 09:38 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was waiting to pull out of a parking space, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to put the car into reverse instead of drive while I was waiting for traffic to clear. I don't think the people who own the car behind me were laughing. Nor is my now ex-boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By mehwhateverr | 0

#170543 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:08

Nobody wants to hear comments during a movie... especially from someone you don't know. YDI.

By yojoeletsmakeout | 0

#170546 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:11

well duh. everyone hates it when people talk during movies. your friend probably thought you were annoying too.

Comments

By fillmyheart028 | 0

#170533 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

whatevershesaid | 0

#729478 - Monday 21 December 2009 6:48

girls that find it necessary to annoying TALK DURING A MOVIE are dumb, even trying to impress someone.

Reply

responses | 0

#965353 - Saturday 20 March 2010 23:24

filmmyheart, what are you some kind of sexist bitch who thinks all guys are dumb? She shouldn't have been talking during the movie. I wouldve have turned to her and told her to make me a sandwich and stfu.

Reply

redsox4021 | 0

#976752 - Friday 9 April 2010 7:00

woman trying to be witty= fucking annoying jackass= normal woman

Reply

fuzz97 | 23

#1025627 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 23:16

fillmyheart, you sound like the type that would try and act cool for a guy, unaware of how awkward and stupid you really are.

Reply

JuroBear | 0

#1036047 - Saturday 19 June 2010 21:23

Stfu and watch the movie.
Most guys I know including myslef don't care about how smart you think you are, as long as you fuck well and can make a damn good sandwich.

Reply

happy_animal_lov | 0

#1037828 - Monday 21 June 2010 6:28

hey jurobear, can I have your address? I need it so I can come over, strip, put your cock in my mouth, and oh so sexily BITE IT OFF so sexist bitches like you can't feel pleasure again. don't worry, I swallow.

Reply

metalfan333 | 0

#1063417 - Sunday 4 July 2010 22:36

#1 you like vaginas

Reply

iiAteCookies | 0

#1245449 - Sunday 15 August 2010 12:33

You just won the game.

Reply

missmontreal97 | 4

#1422782 - Saturday 18 September 2010 15:21

lmao #234

Reply

mygreenhoodie | 0

#1915132 - Saturday 1 January 2011 4:53

happy animal and fillmyheart are on their periods and/or suck at social interaction.

Reply

TehGirreth | 0

#2234800 - Thursday 24 March 2011 13:24

Animal_Feces or whatever your name was, you couldn't fit his dick into your mouth.

Reply

rubyliu8420 | 7

#3863932 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:12

Know what? You're STUPID!!!

Reply

DevilsAltair | 8

#5719240 - Thursday 17 October 2013 5:14

Hey u sexist bitch how would talking during a movie impress anyone unless they are really stupid

Reply

cwl727 | 32

#5890949 - Thursday 20 March 2014 19:16

So you are fine with somebody talking through a movie.

By mehwhateverr | 0

#170543 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:08

Nobody wants to hear comments during a movie... especially from someone you don't know. YDI.

Reply

nineiron457 | 1

#2560475 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 6:14

agreed

Reply

DingoCJ | 15

#4004126 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 10:26

If I wanted a fucking commentary I would've bought the DVD. Maybe you should just stay at home next time

By MrJentipede | 2

#170544 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:09

YDI for assuming you are witty.

By yojoeletsmakeout | 0

#170546 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:11

well duh. everyone hates it when people talk during movies. your friend probably thought you were annoying too.

By schnoid | 0

#170547 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:11

i would've slapped u for making stupid comments and ruining a perfectly good movie.

Reply

micah38 | 5

#4568642 - Friday 15 June 2012 3:37

Lol

By jay_T09 | 0

#170548 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:12

to impress a boy its not the things coming out of ur mouth its the things cumming in (wasnt a typo)

By fswkevin | 0

#170549 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:12

You hit the nail on the head number #2.

NOBODY

I would probably tell Jim Carrey to shut up if he happened to sit next to me, let alone some random.

By onigiriqueen | 0

#170550 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:12

YDI for TALKING DURING A MOVIE, JACKASS!!!

By Bleep_fml | 0

#170552 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:12

Agree with #2. Nothing is more irritating than people talking all through a movie, especially if they're sitting next to you. What effect did you assume it would have? Him thinking "maybe she'll shut up if I put my dick in her mouth"?

By 24788 | 6

#170553 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:13

People try to get into the movie when they're watching it. It's annoying when someone talks during the entire movie.

You could have been more patient and introduced yourself after the movie.