Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start... - FML

By anon - 4/5/2009 21:56 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended he loudly complained to his friends about the annoying girl sitting next to him. FML

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Creepy

Trip Advisor says no

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - 15/1/2010 12:53 - United States

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2015 22:50 - United States

Today, on my way back to work after lunch, my airbags deployed at a stop sign. FML

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By Blackberry - 10/7/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 05:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

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By biomajor - 7/2/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy at the bar and I told him I was a biology major. He promptly said, "NEXT" and moved on to the girl next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2014 21:07 - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

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By merchgirl - 14/11/2016 10:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2018 01:30

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2014 19:33 - United States - Fresno

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

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By Tallie - 1/10/2018 12:00

Today, I fell down the stairs, breaking my foot and tendons. It was the first time I had ever broken anything, and the doctor said that it's the most complicated break he'd ever seen. It's too complicated to operate. Now I'm stuck in a wheelchair for god knows how long. FML

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By tallvet - 22/3/2018 19:00

Today, I told my wife to not drive our car as it has a steering problem and is starting to shake. I got home from work to see it had a flat tire, and asked her if she went anywhere. She'd thought I was exaggerating and went out for coffee. I've been a mechanic for 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2012 08:25 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, at the hospital I work at, I had to deliver my best friend's baby. I later found out that my ex boyfriend was the father. Normally this wouldn't faze me, but it did because we broke up last month. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I found out my dad ate my pet rabbit two years ago. He said he ran away. FML

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By fail - 26/4/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I worked a car wash as a fundraiser. Being nice I figured I'd bring my car, get it washed, and donate some money. When it was my car's turn to be washed, everyone was conveniently busy washing other cars. My car was in front and needed to be washed and moved. I paid $10 to wash my own car. FML

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By Judgeisalwaysright - 1/3/2016 08:57 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, while at a big speech and debate tournament, I corrected the judge's use of the word "podium" instead of lectern, because that's what my debate coach had told me was the correct usage. Well, she didn't take it too well and neither did my partner. Or my debate coach. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 03:30 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards, he said he was in love with me and that he wants to be with me forever. It was also at this time I realised that I can't stand him. FML

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By Misskittygal14 - 16/11/2017 15:00

Today, I decided to go through my younger brother's browser history. I found out he goes regularly on PornHub. He's only 10. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 18:00 - United Kingdom

Panic mode: activated

Today, I got out of bed and saw muddy footprints next to it. They were at least three sizes bigger than mine. I live alone. FML

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By 221bcompanion - 18/1/2016 05:18 - United States - Massillon

Today, I put more effort into getting and keeping my Sims onto a good sleep schedule in order to properly take care of their needs than I did for myself. FML

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By amythest - 13/2/2012 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML

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By NoJobNovember - 6/11/2014 19:09 - United States - Wadsworth

Today, I took a video of a fellow employee doing nothing but watching YouTube videos at work. When I showed the video to my boss, hoping he'd be reprimanded, I got fired for operating video equipment on company grounds. FML

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By Alex - 20/6/2014 22:05 - United Kingdom - Greenford

Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML

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By annoyed - 23/9/2010 09:59 - United States

Today, I went to my parents' place to visit. My ex-boyfriend's photo is on the fridge, but there aren't any photos of my husband or any of our wedding photos. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2010 00:10 - United States

Today, I was asked to crawl through a sun roof because one of my co workers locked her keys in her car. After I got the keys, instead of opening the car door, I climbed back out through the sun roof. To laughter. FML

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By WTF. - 3/8/2019 20:00

Today, I was interviewed by a WalMart employee for a position in their pharmacy. I didn't get the job. I was more qualified than the woman who gave me the interview. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 00:10 - United States

Today, I have been dating an incredibly gorgeous woman. She had a poor self image and after the longest time, I finally convinced her to seek counselling to help her self esteem. It worked. So well in fact that she just broke up with me because she "finally realized she could do so much better" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2012 20:53 - United States - International Falls

Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 01:46 - United States - Encino

Today, a friend told me that when I read, I make all the expressions the characters in the book are making. Apparently, I have been doing this since I was a kid, and no one ever told me. FML

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By blackitalian - 26/11/2010 15:43 - United States

Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist and ran. FML

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By Raiders4ever - 21/10/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By Megara - 15/3/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, I was telling my dad about how I emasculated my guy friends because I can drive a stick shift while they can't. He said, "And you wonder why people think you're a lesbian." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2011 09:03 - United States

Today, a friend and I saw some deer outside my car. Since we were both leaving for college the next day we wanted to do something memorable so we decided to chase the deer. Turns out the deer wanted to chase us too. We ran for over five minutes screaming. FML

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By All the ills - 15/2/2016 20:32 - United States - Geneva

Today, I was miserable with a cold. So I ordered soup and noodles from a new Chinese restaurant. Now I am miserable with a cold and food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2012 02:47 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got rear-ended. An old woman got out and came over to my car window. I thought she was coming to apologize and trade insurance companies. Instead, she poured her soda on my head, ran back into her car, and drove away. FML

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By SnuggieOverload - 28/9/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I finally found out that someone had stolen my debit card and maxed it out. The good news? Whoever it was forgot to change the address on the card, so everything they bought online has been shipped to me. The bad news? I've received 16 snuggies so far, and I'm still counting. FML

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By knews - 18/3/2010 04:46 - United States

Today, my mom sent me beautiful candlesticks along with some half burned candles. I thanked her. She told me the candlesticks were a wedding gift to my grandmother 85 years ago. Then she said the candles were used at my grandma's wedding. I had already lit them. FML

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By MikeMoosey - 30/12/2009 18:00 - United States

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

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By worldsmosthonestdad - 12/5/2017 14:00

Today, I got a call from my 8-year-old's 3rd grade teacher. Apparently a question went around class asking, "Why do you think you were put on this Earth?", and my son answered, "My dad says it's because I swam the fastest." FML

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By nekoneko - 7/2/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom pretended to be me and had AIM conversations with my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2017 02:00

Today, after sweeping up a spill, I managed to break the cupboard door. With my head. FML

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Top comments

By mehwhateverr | 0

#170543 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:08

Nobody wants to hear comments during a movie... especially from someone you don't know. YDI.

By yojoeletsmakeout | 0

#170546 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:11

well duh. everyone hates it when people talk during movies. your friend probably thought you were annoying too.

COMMENTS

By fillmyheart028 | 0

#170533 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

whatevershesaid | 0

#729478 - Monday 21 December 2009 6:48

girls that find it necessary to annoying TALK DURING A MOVIE are dumb, even trying to impress someone.

Reply

responses | 0

#965353 - Saturday 20 March 2010 23:24

filmmyheart, what are you some kind of sexist bitch who thinks all guys are dumb? She shouldn't have been talking during the movie. I wouldve have turned to her and told her to make me a sandwich and stfu.

Reply

#976752 - Friday 9 April 2010 7:00

woman trying to be witty= fucking annoying jackass= normal woman

Reply

fuzz97 | 23

#1025627 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 23:16

fillmyheart, you sound like the type that would try and act cool for a guy, unaware of how awkward and stupid you really are.

Reply

JuroBear | 0

#1036047 - Saturday 19 June 2010 21:23

Stfu and watch the movie.
Most guys I know including myslef don't care about how smart you think you are, as long as you fuck well and can make a damn good sandwich.

Reply

happy_animal_lov | 0

#1037828 - Monday 21 June 2010 6:28

hey jurobear, can I have your address? I need it so I can come over, strip, put your cock in my mouth, and oh so sexily BITE IT OFF so sexist bitches like you can't feel pleasure again. don't worry, I swallow.

Reply

metalfan333 | 0

#1063417 - Sunday 4 July 2010 22:36

#1 you like vaginas

Reply

iiAteCookies | 0

#1245449 - Sunday 15 August 2010 12:33

You just won the game.

Reply

missmontreal97 | 4

#1422782 - Saturday 18 September 2010 15:21

lmao #234

Reply

mygreenhoodie | 0

#1915132 - Saturday 1 January 2011 4:53

happy animal and fillmyheart are on their periods and/or suck at social interaction.

Reply

TehGirreth | 0

#2234800 - Thursday 24 March 2011 13:24

Animal_Feces or whatever your name was, you couldn't fit his dick into your mouth.

Reply

rubyliu8420 | 7

#3863932 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:12

Know what? You're STUPID!!!

Reply

DevilsAltair | 8

#5719240 - Thursday 17 October 2013 5:14

Hey u sexist bitch how would talking during a movie impress anyone unless they are really stupid

Reply

cwl727 | 32

#5890949 - Thursday 20 March 2014 19:16

So you are fine with somebody talking through a movie.

By mehwhateverr | 0

#170543 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:08

Nobody wants to hear comments during a movie... especially from someone you don't know. YDI.

Reply

nineiron457 | 1

#2560475 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 6:14

agreed

Reply

DingoCJ | 15

#4004126 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 10:26

If I wanted a fucking commentary I would've bought the DVD. Maybe you should just stay at home next time

By MrJentipede | 2

#170544 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:09

YDI for assuming you are witty.

By yojoeletsmakeout | 0

#170546 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:11

well duh. everyone hates it when people talk during movies. your friend probably thought you were annoying too.

By schnoid | 0

#170547 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:11

i would've slapped u for making stupid comments and ruining a perfectly good movie.

Reply

micah38 | 5

#4568642 - Friday 15 June 2012 3:37

Lol

By jay_T09 | 0

#170548 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:12

to impress a boy its not the things coming out of ur mouth its the things cumming in (wasnt a typo)

By fswkevin | 0

#170549 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:12

You hit the nail on the head number #2.

NOBODY

I would probably tell Jim Carrey to shut up if he happened to sit next to me, let alone some random.

By onigiriqueen | 0

#170550 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:12

YDI for TALKING DURING A MOVIE, JACKASS!!!

By Bleep_fml | 0

#170552 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:12

Agree with #2. Nothing is more irritating than people talking all through a movie, especially if they're sitting next to you. What effect did you assume it would have? Him thinking "maybe she'll shut up if I put my dick in her mouth"?

By 24788 | 6

#170553 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:13

People try to get into the movie when they're watching it. It's annoying when someone talks during the entire movie.

You could have been more patient and introduced yourself after the movie.