Health: Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on... - FML

By Painful - 05/10/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 894

You deserved it 39 931

The only one who could ever reach me…

Great parenting, dude

Panic

By Anonymous - 07/08/2012 20:13 - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 555

You deserved it 3 510

Cancer sucks

By m0r0n - 20/10/2020 20:00 - United States - Cleveland

Today, like most days, I awoke from a dream where my hair was long again. This time, it was in the way while I was trying to drink water from a fountain. I lost my hair from chemo; it's slowly growing back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 334

You deserved it 320

By Anonymous - 10/09/2013 07:04 - United States

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 863

You deserved it 2 596

By BowlofCherries - 22/05/2012 02:48 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was in a café when a construction worker asked to borrow a pen. The only pen I had on me was my brand new Parker, which I reluctantly loaned him. As he was writing, he stopped to think, and happily chewed on the end of the pen, which he later returned to me, glistening in saliva. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 399

You deserved it 5 254

By Sleep Deprived - 25/12/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 122

You deserved it 3 785

By Nico - 12/11/2011 15:42 - France

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 724

You deserved it 3 653

By RosesAreRed - 15/02/2013 06:07 - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, the attractive guy I barely speak to in my statistics class gave me a rose for Valentine's Day because he remembered they were my favorite. My husband got me a roll of quarters and told me to go buy myself "something pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 775

You deserved it 4 384

By ooblie - 08/12/2010 08:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I was lying topless in bed beside him. Just as I was thinking this would be the perfect opportunity for some intimacy, he looks at me and says, "my mom is SO awesome." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 821

You deserved it 3 982

By anon - 21/06/2011 11:52 - United States

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 772

You deserved it 7 249

By MH - 24/01/2014 12:36 - Norway - Sandnes

Today, my mom took a picture of me. All she could say about the picture was, "At least your sister is pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 940

You deserved it 3 957

By Franigirl - 26/02/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 894

You deserved it 4 556

By GuitarChick42 - 04/04/2009 18:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 320 485

You deserved it 22 872

By bob - 29/06/2012 08:47 - United States - Santa Cruz

Spicy

Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We are now both being treated at the hospital; her for glass wounds, me for a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 274

You deserved it 31 416

By InnocenceBlue - 31/07/2019 12:00

Today, I finally managed to get my electrician boyfriend to agree to replace our old lights, after a year of asking. Saturday, he couldn't be bothered and Sunday he came down with a mysterious man flu. This is about the 10th time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 499

You deserved it 287

Things that go bump in the… parking lot

By Lousydriver - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was about to drive out of a parking lot. The space in front of me was empty, so I figured I could drive forward. I hadn't noticed that there was a median in front, and my car got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 384

You deserved it 31 866

By keepmouthshut - 12/10/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, my wife asked me if she looked cute in a new dress that she bought earlier today. I told her that she almost looks like a supermodel. Appearantly "almost" doesn't cut it. Guess who's sleeping on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 928

You deserved it 12 789

By lollipopp56 - 26/03/2009 06:09 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 149 007

You deserved it 13 763

By Anonymous - 24/05/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged husband who she hasn't seen in years. After a thoroughly disasterous visit, we're waiting in the carpark and my gran strokes my face and tells me I have a lot of facial hair. I thought she was going to thank me. And I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 689

You deserved it 4 015

By Poser - 20/12/2009 04:24 - Canada

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 210

You deserved it 46 039

By Anonymous - 17/04/2019 14:00

Today, while working at a grocery store, I spent about 30 minutes pushing carts inside in a blizzard. Not even 10 minutes after I had finished, I looked out the window and saw that not only had the snow completely stopped, but the sun was shining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 879

You deserved it 157

By Bro - 25/03/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that my wife of five years is also my half-sister. She has no idea, I don't know how to tell her, and I've never been more turned on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 453

You deserved it 754

By Gothicbunnyx3 - 21/02/2012 01:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 583

You deserved it 5 632

By peoplesuck - 14/05/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently I feel asleep with my headphones as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 998

You deserved it 15 500

By Anonymous - 07/02/2014 23:16 - United Kingdom

Today, wanting to break up with my boyfriend, I invited him to dinner with my parents. I was sure they'd hate him, which would give me the excuse I needed. They ended up loving him, and now they won't stop mentioning marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 696

You deserved it 52 944

By not living happily ever after - 02/12/2014 17:02 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 425

You deserved it 31 370

By Professional - 29/05/2017 14:00

Today, I was fed up with things being taken from my room so I installed a key-locking handle on my door. I installed everything but the door knobs, and because I was worried that I would put the two of them on backwards, I closed the door to check. I'm now locked in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 201

You deserved it 3 951

By me:( - 16/07/2013 23:44 - United States - Romulus

Today, I went to the grocery store with my husband, only to find that his ex-wife worked there. Then I found out he never actually divorced her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 527

You deserved it 5 130

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 04:46 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating after she read some of my messages I sent to an old female friend. Apparently I'm very flirty with her. I showed her the same kind of messages that I sent to my guy friends as well. Now I'm apparently gay and cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 721

You deserved it 2 722

By MyLyfeSux - 25/09/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to the restroom at school and when I finished my business, I noticed there was no toilet paper. I then began to wait hoping that a janitor would come by with extra toilet paper. It wasn't until an hour later that I then realized there was 4 extra rolls hidden behind the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 902

You deserved it 53 840

By NotSarahConnor - 11/03/2018 20:30 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boss thought it was funny to fire me by putting on dark sunglasses and saying "You have been terminated" in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 850

You deserved it 372

By go snope yourself - 26/01/2013 21:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 180

You deserved it 8 757

By proteinboy - 16/11/2009 03:00 - United States

Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 682

You deserved it 30 351

You've got a friend

By no one - 21/05/2011 09:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 538

You deserved it 11 375

By eyerollplease - 30/04/2017 22:00

Today, after recently celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary, my husband and I watched my mom and his dad say "I Do". I am now married to my step-brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 620

You deserved it 486

The Force

By RobinBunny713 - 19/07/2011 03:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic moment when I made a Star Wars reference. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I said it or the fact that he seemed more turned on by it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 753

You deserved it 34 233

Uptight girl, she's been living in her uptight world…

By TheVirginJenny - 07/10/2012 00:05 - United States - Spanaway

Spicy

Today, my teenage daughter asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity. I sarcastically replied that I'm still a virgin. She looked at me blankly and said, "Jeez, no wonder you're so uptight. You need to get laid, mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 912

You deserved it 7 754

By Prae - 01/10/2012 05:47 - United States - Dallas

Today, I washed the dishes for my mom while she was out, as they seemed to be piling up. I accidentally sliced my hand with a knife in the process. After a trip to the hospital, it was revealed she'd been leaving those dishes there "to teach dad a lesson." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 588

You deserved it 2 086

By Anonymous - 04/09/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 058

You deserved it 460

Catching up

By Anonymous - 13/08/2020 23:01

Today, I got a message from my crush, with whom I had a one night stand with a few months ago. I was really surprised and excited to see his name pop up on my phone. Turns out, he only messaged me to accuse me of giving him mono, and then he blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 339

You deserved it 239

By JustAGiftCardPlease - 16/06/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 975

You deserved it 3 807

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Monday 5 October 2009 12:11

This isnt an FYL or a YDI. Thats just fucking funny.

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Monday 5 October 2009 13:48

in soviet Russia crotch hits you

Comments

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Monday 5 October 2009 12:10

LMAO. nice going genius.

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Sunday 21 February 2010 8:44

that sounds like something I would do but I haven't. yet

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Thursday 2 December 2010 9:12

nuts are round xD

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Monday 5 October 2009 12:11

This isnt an FYL or a YDI. Thats just fucking funny.

THTB 3

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Tuesday 6 October 2009 8:29

Agreed 100%.

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 5 October 2009 12:12

Firecrotch.

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Monday 5 October 2009 14:29

They make cream for that.

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 5 October 2009 14:39

Lindsay Lohan know of this?

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Monday 5 October 2009 14:42

Yeah, her "cream" is bleach to turn those pubes nice Barbie blonde.

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 5 October 2009 14:44

Waxing seems like a better option to me, personally. Especially when she keeps forgetting to wear underwear. Dress for success, as they say.

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Monday 5 October 2009 14:54

Nah, if I were her I would eat peppers and put miracle grow on it. The scarier, the better!

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 5 October 2009 14:59

I guess it IS almost Halloween. Time to start drawing faces on everything again, dressing up, and zombie hunting, and then pretend I'm doing it just for the spirit of Halloween this time.

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Monday 5 October 2009 15:15

My crotch is going as Jerry Seinfeld. Now until Halloween gives me just enough time to grow it out fully.

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Monday 5 October 2009 18:56

I'm confused. Jerry Seinfeld is ALWAYS clean-shaven. What's the deal. . .? I wanna know!

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Tuesday 6 October 2009 1:49

Jerry Seinfield isn't always clean shaven, his chest resembles shafts face if you look at it closely. But then he shaved it the fool, but it kept coming back stronger and thicker until it resembled Afroman.

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Monday 5 October 2009 12:18

it wouldnt have hurt, unless you were naked. were you naked?

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Monday 5 October 2009 14:10

You don't have to be naked for that to hurt. Not all of us wear nut cups 24/7.

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Monday 5 October 2009 14:40

I think #4 meant the ember, dude.

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 5 October 2009 14:45

I giggled at nut cups. I feel my immaturity making yet another appearance.

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Monday 5 October 2009 12:31

well ur nuts do reside at 2 South Crotch Ln... ;)

angryseatroll 5

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Monday 5 October 2009 12:37

At least your pants didn't catch on fire! xD

kirbz 0

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Monday 5 October 2009 12:46

XD this made me laugh xD YDI for having overreactive reflexes lmao

toink 0

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Monday 5 October 2009 13:03

This is how natural selection works. Now you can't make babies.

Intellectualist 0

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Monday 5 October 2009 13:18

Haha, your sex would have literally been on fire. *ROFLMAO* at my own joke. :)

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Monday 5 October 2009 14:32

Hey, aren't you my baby's father?

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Monday 5 October 2009 15:00

wtf?

Intellectualist 0

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Monday 5 October 2009 15:12

oh, yeah I forgot about that :) Thanks for reminding me. I must zoom and perform my fatherly duties! Unfortunately, being a father, my duties don't include breasts. :(

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Monday 5 October 2009 15:22

Your husbandly duties do though. ;)

Intellectualist 0

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Monday 5 October 2009 15:23

score!

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Monday 5 October 2009 13:48

in soviet Russia crotch hits you

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 17

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 148

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 407

You deserved it 101