Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay... - FML

By UncleRory - 16/5/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying "I'm good" or "I'm okay", I said "I'm gay". FML

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Out of it

Doomed

Workaholic

By man down! man down... - 1/12/2019 03:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Change it!

Today, I had sex with a friend. It was really good too! Until she kicked me in my right nut while changing positions. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2016 15:07 - United States

Today, my bratty sister shoved me overboard during a boat ride. Not ten seconds after being pulled back on board, I got an earful of abuse from my parents. My sister is the family favorite and they refuse to believe that I didn't "provoke" her. FML

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By shameonme - 1/4/2016 19:46 - United States - Nampa

Today, I found out one of my friends had never seen the "Two Girls, One Cup" video, so I loaded it up and told him to watch it. I knew he was squeamish, but I didn't expect him to actually pass out. He cracked his head on the side of my desk and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

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By StepFather - 31/8/2019 08:01 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that my step-daughter, who is 29, still living at home and planning her wedding 2 years from now and who I've completely supported since marrying her mother 16 years ago, wants her cousin to walk her down the aisle and not me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

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By idontunderstand - 7/5/2018 19:00

Today, my father has been unemployed for 8 of my parents' 25 years of marriage, and my mom still supports him. I've been unemployed for three months and my mom is kicking me out. The difference is, I'm actually applying places. He just plays video games. FML

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By morethanredhands - 21/5/2012 05:56

Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on my thighs. I didn't stop to think that people outside would think I was masturbating. FML

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By danggit3290 - 3/5/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "you know, I am looking RIGHT at you," FML

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By Noname - 17/2/2009 08:30 - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

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By birdisnottheword - 11/3/2015 13:55 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, the phone rang while I was on the toilet. I asked my 3-year-old daughter to answer it, only for her to loudly say, "Mommy's on the toilet pooping." FML

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By GroosedOut - 20/8/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

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By ouch - 27/1/2009 02:18 - United States

Today, my doctor called with my test results, which seem to tell him that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'm still sitting here with an appendage that I'd swear was dispensing napalm, but now I have a $500 bill to go with it. FML

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By Upset - 3/2/2016 18:14 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, after finding out that my professor likes to talk trash about, and constantly belittle, Muslims in every American History class he teaches, I submitted an essay about Muslim contributions to humanity. He held me back after class and asked why I gave him such filth. I'm a Muslim. FML

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By theuglyone - 22/8/2013 03:00 - Canada - Port Perry

Today, I was told that I looked like a Kardashian by a total stranger. Flattered, I asked which one. His response? "I don't know, the ugly one." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 14:40 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I went to the print shop to get some work printed. The guy serving me printed my entire order wrong because he pushed the wrong button, so it had to be done again. He tried to charge me a fine for the mistake he made because "it's not a viable business otherwise". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2016 00:12 - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, after working like a caffeine-fuelled thunderstorm for 9 hours straight on an art project, my 2 friends informed me that it was due next week. I slept for 10 hours, and then went to my class without my project, thinking I lucked out in the long run. Clearly not, as it was due today. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 23:02 - United States

Today, my 21 year old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 06:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after my check cleared for my half of the $1000 deposit on our new apartment. FML

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By awkward. - 29/12/2012 15:50 - United Kingdom - Rickmansworth

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. Or rather, she went with her other boyfriend, and I happened to see them there. FML

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By flustered - 6/5/2012 14:57 - United States - Rapid City

Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment walls are now littered with dents and holes. FML

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By Terry - 5/12/2018 17:30

Today, I opened the bathroom door and it broke my wife’s little toe. As revenge she ruined the ending of assassins creed which she had gotten me for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 12:22 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I went to a garden party my friend had invited me to. I soon discovered they had seriously downplayed the formality of the event, as I noticed trays of fancy hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne lined up on the table. I showed up with Kool Aid and Ritz crackers. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2018 12:00

Today, I was hungover and had to run to put the rubbish out for the bin lorry, only I was so hungover I forgot I was only wearing an open dressing gown and no underwear. A few neighbours and passing cars got to see me swinging in the breeze. FML

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By Janice - 7/11/2011 05:12 - Canada

Today, while jogging, I realized my face jiggles more than my breasts. FML

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By Adios Career - 26/11/2015 16:27 - United States

Today, a great job I have been wanting to apply for opened for applications. Turns out it requires a clean background with no credit issues. I recently got a notice saying my wife and I are being sued over an unpaid $140 medical bill that she neglected to pay. FML

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By Lulu - 16/7/2017 00:30

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2015 13:54 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my car is being repaired, so I had to catch a bus to work. When the bus came, the driver pulled toward the curb and gunned it through a large puddle of water, then pulled away and continued down the road, leaving me soaking wet. FML

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By ugh - 23/9/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, I found a video camera behind a plant in my bedroom. My husband uses it to video tape himself having sex, with another woman. FML

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By pharmn00b - 8/7/2009 17:52 - United States

Today, at work, I was calling customers to tell them that they had prescriptions waiting to be picked up. It was a long list and every time I reached an answering machine I left our number so they could call us back. When I was finished, the pharmacist told me I been giving out our fax number. FML

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By terrible kenny - 30/1/2011 09:24 - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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By AnxiousCucumber - 7/9/2016 20:41 - United States - Los Angeles

And I oop

Today, my boyfriend's dick got stuck in the wrong hole. And by wrong hole I mean the pool filter. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I said yes and he gave me an engagement ring. He immediately went to call his mom to tell her the happy news. After the phone call, he asked if he could return the ring because his mom needed money. FML

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By someonesomething - 5/12/2009 11:24 - United States

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

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By tamp - 22/6/2009 07:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I took a late night drive, and after a while he stopped at a gas station and asked if I wanted anything I replied "guess". He came out and gave me a box of tampons. Apparently I've been bitchy. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 18:56 - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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By Sam - 10/10/2017 16:00

Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML

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By prego - 13/4/2012 14:15 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my husband told me to stop faking being sick, because, "morning sickness doesn't happen after noon." FML

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By BtoTheRtoTheTTK - 19/2/2017 14:00 - United States - Winter Haven

Holy stereotypes, mom!

Today, at a mall, my mom accused me of lying about being gay, just because I said I don't like shopping. FML

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By BadKarma - 28/8/2018 07:00 - United States - Douglas

When it rains, it pours.

Today, my washing machine, dryer, vacuum cleaner, and laptop all stopped working. FML

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Top comments

By YDIdouche | 0

#203065 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:09

AWESOME!

By Aldrahil | 0

#203066 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:09

... Nice one, Ace.

COMMENTS

By YDIdouche | 0

#203065 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:09

AWESOME!

Reply

Hunthas | 17

#993645 - Friday 14 May 2010 20:59

oh chuck you farley, you and your whole famn damily can go buck a fuffalo and see is I shiv a git

Reply

Jessicaa96145 | 0

#1096507 - Friday 16 July 2010 5:44

lmfaoo.. op. gay nmeans happy too, but that made me laugh. FYL XD

Reply

hairt | 4

#1403933 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 13:13

I think you wanted to say "I'm ok" but sad "I'm kay(gay)" accidentaly?? haha

Reply

DubstepMasta | 18

#5845232 - Saturday 1 February 2014 1:54

And I think that you skipped english class when you were in school.

By Aldrahil | 0

#203066 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:09

... Nice one, Ace.

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5708937 - Wednesday 9 October 2013 3:10

i meant to say "peanuts please" but ended up saying "penis please" before hahahah

By elliebutton | 0

#203069 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:10

Curse those Frudian slips!

Reply

Ajorioles | 0

#1011801 - Saturday 29 May 2010 22:06

Freudian. You are welcome

By hypothetically | 0

#203075 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:12

Congratulations, you're out!

By PollySighDevil | 0

#203079 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:15

We'll theoretically she would be MORE interested right? Women always want a gay friend... you can always explain your gaff later

By xHaniffax | 0

#203086 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:16

Omg I do things like that all the time
when I'm thinking of 2 words and then merge them together and it sounds retarded
ahah (Y)

Reply

Miss_Whipped | 43

#5953290 - Thursday 22 May 2014 17:18

I usually scramble it and come up with things like, "gline of wass," or "bater of wottle."
And upon attempts at correction, "wine of glass." It's horrendous.

Reply

Emyka | 26

#6514411 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 12:29

#203 took me a second to realise what was wrong with "wine of glass".

By Draq | 1

#203090 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:19

YDI because I said so.

By 24788 | 6

#203091 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:20

lol, I bet she wasn't having a good day after that either.

By redbluegreen | 40

#203093 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:23

Bloody brilliant.

#4, and it saves you from the possible future breakup which might have resulted if he said something intelligent to score her digits.

But, question, don't almost all cashiers smile? Regardless if they're cute or not?

By Death_to_my_life | 0

#203095 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:25

LOL flirting FAIL XD
i bet shes gonna post an FML soon: Today a guy came into my store and when i said 'hello, how're you?' he immediately said he was gay. FML'

now she has low self confidence!! XDD

Reply

ashurbanipal | 0

#2345926 - Thursday 14 April 2011 1:55

ditto