Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay... - FML

By UncleRory - 16/5/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying "I'm good" or "I'm okay", I said "I'm gay". FML

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The best cat

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Time don't heal nothing

By fuck you btichass cuntshit - 20/8/2015 16:18 - United States - Shelburne

Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML

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By beta - 8/1/2019 12:00

Today, my date unexpectedly brought her friend to dinner with us. They seemed bored of me after ten minutes and left me out of their conversation for the rest of the night. Oh, and they made me pay for both of them. FML

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By MillyMan - 7/2/2012 17:58 - United States

Today, I have to follow through with the bet I lost over the Super Bowl game. I don't have a problem running a lap nude around my block, but the cops in the police station right across from my house probably will. FML

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By Alyssa - 13/2/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2013 19:37 - United States - Norcross

Today, I had a formal complaint filed against me for being outrageously rude to a customer. All I did was tell a customer that she couldn't use food stamps at the movie theater. FML

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By Cerezo - 22/11/2009 15:39 - Guatemala

Today, as I woke up early to do my physics homework, I heard my parents talk about how big a disappointment I am for them. They discussed how stupid, immature and how big a burden I was. They knew I was listening. FML

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By don't get paid enough for this - 11/7/2015 02:20 - United States - Youngstown

Today, while at my shitty, minimum wage job at McDonalds, a guy walked out of the bathroom. He said "Good luck in there." worriedly, then left. I don't know if it was his handiwork, but it looked like a shit grenade had detonated. It was even on the walls. FML

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By American Idiot - 20/9/2016 19:25 - United States - Duluth

Today, my husband picked a fight with me because I have more pictures of our child on my desk at work than I do of him. FML

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By lisa - 29/11/2015 16:04 - Australia - Kensington

Today, my sister accused me of "leading on" her creepy best friend and said I should apologize to him for making him think he was going to get lucky. I haven't talked to the guy in over 5 years, except for one random encounter 2 days ago, where all I said was, "Hi, how have you been?" FML

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By dogless - 4/12/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I found my pit bull after three weeks of frantic searching. When we returned home, I put out food and water for him. I went to get him and found him in my room, wagging his tail at me. He had peed on my comforter, freshly folded clothes, and new 60 dollar winter coat. Welcome home, Caine. FML

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By Connor - 25/12/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML

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By Noname - 2/3/2009 18:52 - Canada

Today, I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to go in the parking lot so we can exchange information. So I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML

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By seriously? - 27/5/2014 22:23 - United States - Manassas

Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML

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By - 8/2/2017 14:00 - United States

Today, after months of trying to convince my violent bipolar antisocial neighbors to crack a window when they smoke pot, I'm now living without any heat to avoid being blasted by pot smoke from the heat vents day and night. FML

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By jumpy - 3/1/2010 23:59 - United States

Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML

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By namhtor - 28/9/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my little sister asked what masturbation was. We were having a family dinner with my grandparents. My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro." FML

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By FishFlingingMonkey - 22/8/2015 03:55 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I was eating and my dog kept bothering me. She kept scratching my legs for food, so I took a large piece of fish from my plate and tossed it out into the hallway. It flew right into my mother's face. FML

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By shinee - 15/8/2010 16:05 - Singapore

Today, to be nice, I baked cookies for my step-mom as a birthday present. I burnt my hand while putting them in the oven, but I'd hoped it would be worth it. When she got home, I gave one for her to try. She took a bite, spit it out, and threw it on the floor, asking if it was a joke or if I was really trying to poison her. FML

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By assante2010 - 24/7/2011 00:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

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By dabull - 27/4/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, nobody wants to hang out with me due to a nasty rumor that my ex has spread. No one will tell me what was said, because I apparently "know full well" what I did. FML

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By Wealthyparrot - 10/5/2013 08:24 - United States

Today, a client refused to pay after I mowed her lawn. Her reasoning? I had entered her basement "without permission." I require on-site equipment be provided, and she kept her mower in her basement. I only knew it was in the basement because she'd showed me, and told me where the key was. FML

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By sick - 6/10/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, I got up and left for work despite being really sick, because I had a big meeting. Halfway to work, in deadlocked traffic, my boss texts me to let me know he's rescheduling the meeting to tomorrow because of personal conflicts. FML

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By Aether - 3/6/2014 22:51 - United States - Lake Jackson

Today, I got to explain to someone that "enjoying the warm, rich aromas of fecal matter" is not a good subject to use as an ice breaker for making friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 01:03 - United States

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

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By thegirlwiththedumbassbf - 23/3/2016 22:58 - United States - Camarillo

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML

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By pissed_off_girl - 1/4/2013 02:59 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to proof-read a terrible paper containing a bunch of mistakes. It took me 4 hours and I didn't eat dinner until I was done. His response when he got it back was, "What the fuck did you do to my paper?! You bitch!" FML

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By crazylobster - 14/11/2009 16:52 - Australia

Today, I noticed that in my cover letter I wrote "I also have an eye.", instead of "I also have an eye for details.", and I have been sending it out for the past few weeks. No wonder I haven't gotten any replies. FML

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By anonymous - 30/9/2012 05:32 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got yelled at for providing horrible customer service, in a store I don't even work for. FML

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By shmoooopie - 29/5/2015 03:39 - United States - Medina

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML

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By DabTheFuckOut - 16/9/2016 19:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

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By vbscb - 7/10/2009 10:42 - Australia

Today, I was babysitting my niece when we decided to play hide and seek. I went in the shed, and waited. After waiting a while, I went to go back inside to see what was happening. I saw my niece had locked all the doors and was eating cookies on the kitchen bench. FML

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By demispark - 24/4/2013 14:10 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I was leaving work when I realized I had forgotten my bag on my desk. As I went back to get it, I overheard my co-workers talking about "last night's office party." I wasn't invited. FML

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By ewwww - 26/5/2013 17:55 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I found out where the mysterious bites on my back keep coming from. It's not every day you find an earwig in your loofah. FML

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By bubbalicious - 13/8/2009 20:57 - Canada

Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML

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By rhplb - 17/5/2016 13:10 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I arrived to work at exactly 8 so I could leave at exactly 5, without overtime. I found out later that my brother took my keys with him somewhere and now I can't enter the house until he gets back at 11. FML

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By regret - 30/12/2020 01:00 - Australia - Warrnambool

My regret

Today, my little sister put me in charge of keeping her fighting fish alive. It would've been an easy task if it weren't for my crazy ex-boyfriend drunkenly forcing his way into my house, vomiting into the fishbowl and killing the fish. Only ten more hours until my family gets home. FML

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By citylife - 20/4/2013 20:22 - United States

Today, I realized how tiny my apartment is, when I was able to vacuum from bedroom to bathroom through the living room without switching the power outlet from the one in the kitchen. I pay a fortune to live in this shoebox. FML

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By Bailey - 5/4/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

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By 420curse - 5/5/2015 18:20 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

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By Parade - 28/2/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I was on the bus, it hit a bump on the road and made me hit a elderly man. The bus driver thought I did it on purpose and made me get off. FML

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Top comments

By YDIdouche | 0

#203065 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:09

AWESOME!

By Aldrahil | 0

#203066 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:09

... Nice one, Ace.

Comments

By YDIdouche | 0

#203065 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:09

AWESOME!

Reply

Hunthas | 17

#993645 - Friday 14 May 2010 20:59

oh chuck you farley, you and your whole famn damily can go buck a fuffalo and see is I shiv a git

Reply

Jessicaa96145 | 0

#1096507 - Friday 16 July 2010 5:44

lmfaoo.. op. gay nmeans happy too, but that made me laugh. FYL XD

Reply

hairt | 4

#1403933 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 13:13

I think you wanted to say "I'm ok" but sad "I'm kay(gay)" accidentaly?? haha

Reply

DubstepMasta | 18

#5845232 - Saturday 1 February 2014 1:54

And I think that you skipped english class when you were in school.

By Aldrahil | 0

#203066 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:09

... Nice one, Ace.

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5708937 - Wednesday 9 October 2013 3:10

i meant to say "peanuts please" but ended up saying "penis please" before hahahah

By elliebutton | 0

#203069 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:10

Curse those Frudian slips!

Reply

Ajorioles | 0

#1011801 - Saturday 29 May 2010 22:06

Freudian. You are welcome

By hypothetically | 0

#203075 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:12

Congratulations, you're out!

By PollySighDevil | 0

#203079 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:15

We'll theoretically she would be MORE interested right? Women always want a gay friend... you can always explain your gaff later

By xHaniffax | 0

#203086 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:16

Omg I do things like that all the time
when I'm thinking of 2 words and then merge them together and it sounds retarded
ahah (Y)

Reply

Miss_Whipped | 42

#5953290 - Thursday 22 May 2014 17:18

I usually scramble it and come up with things like, "gline of wass," or "bater of wottle."
And upon attempts at correction, "wine of glass." It's horrendous.

Reply

Emyka | 26

#6514411 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 12:29

#203 took me a second to realise what was wrong with "wine of glass".

By Draq | 1

#203090 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:19

YDI because I said so.

By 24788 | 6

#203091 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:20

lol, I bet she wasn't having a good day after that either.

By redbluegreen | 40

#203093 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:23

Bloody brilliant.

#4, and it saves you from the possible future breakup which might have resulted if he said something intelligent to score her digits.

But, question, don't almost all cashiers smile? Regardless if they're cute or not?

By Death_to_my_life | 0

#203095 - Saturday 16 May 2009 12:25

LOL flirting FAIL XD
i bet shes gonna post an FML soon: Today a guy came into my store and when i said 'hello, how're you?' he immediately said he was gay. FML'

now she has low self confidence!! XDD

Reply

ashurbanipal | 0

#2345926 - Thursday 14 April 2011 1:55

ditto