Today, I was shopping at a store that hires disabled people as... - FML

By seriouslylife? - 26/9/2018 03:00

Today, I was shopping at a store that hires disabled people as baggers. This is totally awesome and I love the practice, but this autistic bagger yelled out the name of every product he bagged, including "TAMPONS!" and "CONDOMS!" One of my middle school students was in the next checkout line videoing it. FML

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Serious times

Season finale

Car Wars

By Anonymous - 8/8/2014 19:34 - United States

Today, I realized that my dog, who's 11, eats his own shit, and chews bones like crazy still has 10 times nicer teeth than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2009 01:36 - United States

Today, I was at a party. The music changed to a slow dance. Everybody grabbed a partner and I was left on the dancefloor alone. Suddenly, this guy walks up to me. I swore that he was going to ask me to dance. He then says: "Could you hold me my drink?" and goes to dance with another girl. FML

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By ko - 3/1/2015 17:53

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd come over and help me move a heavy dresser so I could paint the wall behind it. After an hour of waiting for him, I decided to move it myself. He finally arrived, not ten minutes after I broke my toe when I accidentally dropped the dresser on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 23:00

Zedonging intensifies

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

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By my eyes!! - 27/5/2020 08:00

Knock next time

Today, I walked in on my husband's elderly parents getting it on. It’s beautiful they still love each other, I just wish they hadn’t decided to express that love on our living room sofa. FML

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By Alyssa Charlotte - 29/7/2011 02:25 - Mexico

Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2018 11:00 - United States - Denver

Today, the woman I've loved for 15 years and had children with told me she's remarrying to the man she cheated on me with. Since her father passed last year, she wants me to give her away at the wedding. FML

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By burn - 1/8/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML

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By Chad - 6/9/2020 13:59 - United States - Norfolk

Medicare for all

Today, I had to have emergency work done on my teeth after I seized in the shower and smashed my face into the tub. Apparently, the dental insurance I'd been paying for but had never used ended its coverage 4 days ago, because my job was no longer working with them. FML

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By storyofmylife - 15/3/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

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By Everest - 22/11/2018 14:00

Today, I got several thumbtacks jabbed into me. Why? Because my cousin thought it would be a funny prank to superglue a bunch of thumbtacks to his nerf darts. My left forearm is still bleeding. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2012 06:25 - United States - Bedford

Today, my neighbors got a motion sensor light that points at my window. It's so sensitive that it goes off every time an insect flies past. FML

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By - 10/2/2020 01:00

Where it is?

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

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By Maddy - 10/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 16:49 - United States

Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML

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By Lilo4life - 6/8/2015 15:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I discovered that I am just tall enough and my hair is just long enough, to get caught in the ceiling fan if I flip it over to dry it. FML

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By anonymous - 7/12/2015 13:28 - United States - Mandeville

Today, my dad read that if you pass gas from both ends at the same time it will create a vacuum inside your body and you'll implode. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2014 18:41 - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

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By Is_This_Real - 30/3/2016 20:46 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the only constant person in my life is the guy that smokes outside my apartment building. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 02:25 - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

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By Dry - 18/3/2017 16:00

Today, after moving into my new house, my partner's father came to give us his old sofa. Now, an hour before he has to leave, he's half-completed 3 DIY jobs we didn't want done in the first place, and smashed my water inlet pipe. I have no water and a destroyed kitchen. FML

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By XxOx - 4/2/2010 01:18 - France

Today, my mom is going with me for a general check-up at the doctor's office. She just told me she had a nightmare last night that she went to the doctor with me, and he told her I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. I was about to tell her. FML

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By NOKHAN - 25/10/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML

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By oh. - 15/12/2019 14:00 - United States

Proof of love

Today, I flew cross-country to see my girlfriend of three years. Once I got there, she broke up with me. I was supposed to be staying for a month and now I have nowhere to go. FML

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By Christina - 29/6/2012 05:31 - United States - Aurora

Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML

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By Baikal - 12/5/2013 04:09 - Singapore

Today, my cousin thought it would be funny to make copies of my house keys and give it to random people on the street. I live alone and work a 12 hour shift daily. FML

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By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01

Kitchen Nightmares

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, I found out that the landscaping job I started three weeks ago is actually for an illicit business run by a hippie who pissed away the entire payroll to fund his drug habit. He has no way of coughing up the $900 he owes me. I'm broke as hell, and my electricity is now going to get cut off. FML

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By chefdujour - 15/3/2009 04:56 - United States

Today, I spent 5 hours preparing dinner for my fianc''s grandparents, whom I've never met. At dinner, his grandmother says to him, "If you're going to pick someone to spend the rest of your life with, at least make sure she can cook." I'm the executive chef at a 4 star restaurant. FML

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By banned - 9/3/2012 06:59 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML

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By spiderbaby - 6/10/2015 19:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 14:00

Curiosity!

Today, I got curious and decided to look for my ex's social media after he blocked me off everything. I found him on LinkedIn and it is only after I click on his profile that I remembered, he will be notified that I looked him up. FML

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By lonelyinlondon - 21/8/2009 02:06 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter." I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. FML

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By disgustedgf - 28/6/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML

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By No thank you - 4/2/2015 20:17 - United States - Columbus

Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML

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By undanya__four - 10/4/2015 20:19 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my boyfriend told me he's prepared to commit to marriage, but only if I buy my own ring and tell everyone he surprised me with it. FML

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By calvinjakobs - 9/11/2019 03:00

Same name but distant

Today, I met the most compatible and perfect girl for me. After days of talking and finally setting up a date. We found out that we both live in different continents, just our city name has been the same. I was waiting at the restaurant for 5 hours. FML

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By Busted - 31/12/2010 20:52 - Mexico

Today, I canceled my ATM card, because it had been lost. Then I found it. Then I found out I can't reactivate it, because I asked for a replacement card. I'm from CA, and I'm in Mexico with only 20 bucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2015 02:52 - United States - Rockwall

Today, I had to slowly explain to my brother that spooning has nothing to do with using a spoon to clean out a woman's vagina after sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2011 08:36 - United States

Today, I confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard. How? My dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti, plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet. FML

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Top comments

By AdeenCuffing | 12

#7699224 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 3:14

Those two don't usually go together.

By MidnaLink | 32

#7699226 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 3:20

Tell the student that if he doesn’t trash that video, you’ll fail him for the year.

COMMENTS

By AdeenCuffing | 12

#7699224 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 3:14

Those two don't usually go together.

Reply

tease_ftx | 7

#7699236 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 4:15

How so? If she doesn't buy condoms she won't need tampons.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7699592 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 16:53

During a few days a month, they go together well, provided she uses condoms for the period anal.

By MidnaLink | 32

#7699226 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 3:20

Tell the student that if he doesn’t trash that video, you’ll fail him for the year.

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 32

#7699614 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 17:35

That’s illegal.

Reply

RoadRunnerZ | 13

#7699821 - Thursday 27 September 2018 1:36

No it’s not your teacher has the right to do the fuck she wants with your grade

Reply

BeachMammal | 8

#7700898 - Friday 28 September 2018 20:02

Not a good action. But if the students shares it, he is harassing his teacher, and that is something the school should deal with. It would be simply wrong of the student.

By Kingchips24 | 5

#7699227 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 3:24

Dont say these two dont go together cause these 100% go together!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7699228 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 3:24

I really hope the middle school student doesn't post that video on the internet.

Reply

Todd Klopfer | 11

#7699262 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 7:16

I so hope he does and it goes viral. jj

By melisssa87 | 30

#7699230 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 3:33

Sounds like it’s time to give the class their first sexual education class

Reply

real life problems | 26

#7699233 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 4:09

Good thing she teaches art, she can explain a new form of art to them

By Burle | 17

#7699234 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 4:14

Why are you embarrassed by condoms and tampons, they're just part of life. You're immateur for being embarrassed by it, as the student is immateur for thinking its funny. The only winner here is the autistic bagger

Reply

snake_gal | 8

#7699848 - Thursday 27 September 2018 3:16

ya but your middle school student knowing what you bought and likely to share it with the class? It seems pretty embarrassing

Reply

therealmysfit | 1

#7699853 - Thursday 27 September 2018 3:29

Right? I don't get being embarrassed by stuff like that. But that's just me.

Reply

blondie45 | 21

#7702208 - Monday 1 October 2018 6:41

Immateur? 🤣🤣🤣

By tease_ftx | 7

#7699235 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 4:14

It could totally be so much worse. He could have yelled out "Dildo!, Vagisil, Herpes medication!" Just really bad things to tell out. I feel bad for any of his customers with truly embarrassing items lol.

Reply

PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7699248 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 5:41

They sell dildos at the grocery store?

Reply

WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7699530 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 15:12

Yeah, they pass them off as “personal massagers.” 😉

By SaltyLurker | 10

#7699315 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 8:31

Yeah until he shouts, "LOTION!", "MUSCLE RELAXANT!", and "HEMMORHOID CREAM!"

By Squidgegg | 4

#7699643 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 18:57

Dang. This makes me really glad that people who bag other people's shopping aren't a thing where I'm from.

By MitiMiki | 16

#7699723 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 21:42

Sucks for you. Hilarious for us!