Intimacy: Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through,... - FML

By eakthegeek - 10/01/2012 09:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 309

You deserved it 6 875

You tried

Own it

Cut her off

By Makala - 03/12/2011 08:15 - Egypt

Today, in geometry class, we were working in dead silence. Apparently my phone wasn't on vibrate, and I received 25 texts all at once, while it blasted "Hakuna Matataaaa" out of my back pocket. They weren't even texts from friends, just Facebook notifications. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 161

You deserved it 35 930

Sounds like a catch

By Anonymous - 10/08/2020 08:06

Today, my psycho ex tried to call the cops on me for "poisoning her food." I live two hours away from her, and have no money or gas to go anywhere near her. Turns out, she poisoned herself for eating raw chicken and pizza dough. I have a child with this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 626

You deserved it 312

By Sloppy Cashmere - 09/05/2016 21:26 - United States - Bemidji

Today, I visited a waterpark with friends. At one point, a woman floating near me suddenly says to me, "How are you doing, honey?" Instinctively, I replied, "I'm well". The woman gave me a strange look and I turned around to find she was talking to her child directly behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 818

You deserved it 1 410

By thatwas10yearsago - 28/09/2012 02:41 - United States - Reston

Today, I found out why the girl I like won't give me the time of day. Apparently, I called her ugly and pushed her into a puddle when we were in kindergarten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 424

You deserved it 30 893

By scottyboy - 01/10/2016 07:58

Today, I started packing up the flat I have been renting. As I took a picture off the wall I also ripped half the wallpaper. That's my deposit gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 529

You deserved it 1 644

By EllieS9311 - 16/02/2016 13:16 - United States - Montevallo

Today, my 13 year-old son had a seizure in the middle of his history class. We were at the hospital for three hours and several expensive tests later he informed me he faked the seizure so he could get out of a group presentation. He was so proud that he was such a good actor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 492

You deserved it 3 054

By Username - 22/04/2011 14:42

Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 058

You deserved it 5 218

By great - 25/01/2013 20:36 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend complimented me on my ass. Before I could say thanks, she continued by commenting that she wouldn't mind "breaking it in". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 672

You deserved it 6 529

By NYeeerrr - 09/06/2019 22:00

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 536

You deserved it 687

By Quendolin - 09/11/2015 14:07 - Germany

Today, I put one of those checkout dividers in front of my groceries on the conveyor belt in the supermarket. The guy standing in front of me turned around, looked me straight in the eye and said "I don't trust you." as he put a second divider between our groceries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 799

You deserved it 2 562

By Zooep - 24/10/2016 13:54

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 662

You deserved it 767

By JBone - 22/01/2009 07:02 - Canada

Today, I was making a smoothie. I didn't plug in the blender until after all the ingredients were inside. I pushed the 'on' button. It was still on when I went to plug it in. With no lid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 396

You deserved it 33 221

Father of the year

By Harvey knicks grandad - 10/02/2021 21:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my son told me he failed to get into the army, which I didn’t know he was trying to do. Apparently he thought playing Call of Duty non-stop counted as "experience" and that he’d become an officer rank straight away, despite being 10-stone overweight with the brains of a tree stump FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 213

By Dentedbumper - 07/03/2019 14:00

Today, I tried to back my car into my parking space while some of my neighbors were out by their cars. I accidentally rammed into the retaining wall behind my spot. I was hoping the neighbors didn't notice the huge crunching sound, but they did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 1 598

By Savannah - 01/08/2011 21:20 - United States

Today, my dad confessed that the only reason I'm alive today is because he couldn't afford to pay for an abortion. He couldn't afford it because he'd splashed out on brand new furniture at IKEA shortly before discovering my mom was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 007

You deserved it 2 919

Classy.

By Alexis - 15/11/2017 23:00 - United States

Today, I spent 12 hours in an airport rather than go back to the apartment of the man I traveled to see for the weekend. Instead of wine, dine, sixty-nine, he took me to a tailgating event and introduced me to two girls he had a threesome with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 992

You deserved it 638

By Liz - 09/01/2009 08:54 - France

Today, I was teaching a class but kids were chatting. After 3 soap box speeches about "The next person who talks gets a note to take home," one kid looked right at me and went "meow". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 134

You deserved it 7 569

By lolreturn - 16/08/2009 18:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, I grabbed the nearest plastic bag in my bedroom when my boyfriend and I left for Wal-Mart so I could return a pair of shorts. When the cashier dumped the contents of the bag onto the counter at customer service, my shorts and a used condom fell out. It was the longest return of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 567

You deserved it 55 713

By takingthebus - 16/09/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got pulled over and arrested for driving with a suspended license. Instead of getting my car impounded, his friend thought he'd do me a favor and drive it back to me. He doesn't know how to drive stick and blew my engine. My boyfriend is in jail and I no longer have a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 165

You deserved it 6 512

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 19:04 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 409

You deserved it 10 738

By Anonymous - 14/07/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I made brownies for my co-workers. My boss called me into his office, and I though he was going to compliment me on the baking. Instead, he talked about how his 5-year-old daughter can make brownies better than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 611

You deserved it 6 211

By embarrassed much - 27/02/2016 03:14 - United States - Orlando

Today, I was talking to my new boss while on speakerphone. Then, my sister yelled for me, asking me to check whether she had a yeast infection or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 326

You deserved it 2 631

By patient_mom - 14/06/2015 01:27 - Australia - Surrey Hills

Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 988

You deserved it 3 943

By Anonymous - 20/01/2013 05:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me all about how his parents sat him down last night and had a 20 minute talk with him about how I'm the biggest mistake he'll ever make. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 992

You deserved it 3 955

By stuckhome - 08/04/2011 11:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 728

You deserved it 4 281

By Fitz - 12/04/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, a woman drove through my house. She was texting and eating watermelon at the same time. I didn't know that was even possible, but now my house is condemned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133 848

You deserved it 6 190

By tittyboomboom - 24/03/2016 13:16 - Australia

Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful job interview. As I was sitting there, I felt the urge to yawn, but before I could raise my hand to cover my mouth some guy stuck his finger in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 872

You deserved it 2 032

Embezzlement

By Username - 06/01/2011 07:49

Today, I found the birthday card my grandma had mailed. Apparently, it contained a gift of $100. Too bad it was in my mom's trash can, opened, with no money. She told my grandma it must have gotten lost in the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 525

You deserved it 2 458

Pencil in the ass time

By Anonymous - 13/03/2020 01:13

Today, I was in art class in which we were drawing mythical creatures. I spent the entire hour and a half drawing a Minotaur, which turned out extremely well. It turned out so well that the teacher thought I had traced it, and told me to start over right before the bell rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 719

You deserved it 109

By Anonymous - 16/03/2013 14:58 - United States - Springfield

Today, of the two IDs I possess, I handed the cop that pulled me over the fake one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 364

You deserved it 72 171

By Anonymous - 31/08/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, while emailing my very young, attractive teacher to ask a question, my hand slipped. Too bad you can't unsend emails that say "Can we meet after school some time? I have some thongs I'd like to discuss with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 267

You deserved it 11 470

By makehimscrubit - 14/09/2016 03:18 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, I found out the guys I live with have an ongoing contest to see if they can hit targets on the inside of the toilet lid with urine when they pee. I could forgive this in my seven-year-old son, but not my forty-year-old husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 074

You deserved it 1 363

By TrailerTrash - 20/03/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I had artfully managed to avoid anyone knowing that I was moving into a trailer park. I showed up at the trailer where all my friends, co-workers, and exes were waiting. My parents knew I was feeling down and wanted to throw me a surprise 'moving in' party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 380

You deserved it 4 683

By Gage - 27/10/2017 15:00

Today, having moved to Moscow over a week ago, I finally received the TV my work promised my flat would have. A big Russian man came to my door, handed me a TV from the 1970s and left. It doesn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 984

You deserved it 314

By smashyonewfloors - 31/08/2013 04:44 - Canada - High River

Today, my crew and I were berated by a client for not installing her new hardwood floor on time. We were only halfway through the day, but apparently it should have only taken "like, an hour?" because "The guys on the TV shows do it that fast." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 781

You deserved it 2 825

Whoops

By ER1C - 16/05/2016 12:35 - Canada

Today, as I was walking my dog around the block, I fell in the splits position on wet dirt and ripped my pants right on the front. I then had to walk home casually holding a chihuahua on my crotch hoping I would not run into anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 422

You deserved it 1 199

By Anonymous - 20/03/2016 06:24 - United States - Tucson

Today, my mother straight up admitted that she would murder me if God told her to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 953

You deserved it 1 910

By Mandy - 20/05/2011 04:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my grandfather, who is a retired Marine, has paid real money to buy ALL the Lady Gaga themed items for his farm in FarmVille. I don't know what's worse, that he did it, or that I'm jealous of not having that stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 101

You deserved it 8 745

Strong bonds

By Anonymous - 02/05/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, my 6 year-old daughter asked, "What would happen to me if you and daddy died?" I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said, "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 102 345

You deserved it 9 996

By Anonymous - 28/08/2015 07:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my girlfriend uninvited to me a party because she said her ex would be there, and since she hasn't told him about us, she didn't want him getting upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 800

You deserved it 2 853

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Top comments

TransitionCovert 6

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:06

He is a keeper

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:08

Well he's got a point..

Comments

TransitionCovert 6

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:06

He is a keeper

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:23

He's an intellectual keeper. :D

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:30

Huh... That is a very good point he made there...

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:34

Damn right

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 17:32

The sexiest organ is the brain after all, right? (:

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 22:22

is OP dating Jerry Seinfeld

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 22:32

Ha nice try dude :P

zachattack112492 4

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 23:11

Rule #34.1, if it was never a porno, it's ur job to make it a porno

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:15

That's not rule 34.1

cooldukenukem 2

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:31

Anyone else puzzled about why they were sexting while close enough for them to see each other?

cooldukenukem 2

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:33

Misread sexing as sexting. My bad.

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 4:53

Hahaha oh my gosh! I'd laugh. You make it awkward. -,-

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Thursday 12 January 2012 8:36

I read it as sexting too, haha. Confused the hell out of me.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:06

Awkward conversation

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Thursday 12 January 2012 0:00

How is talking intellectually awkward?

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Friday 13 January 2012 3:26

The context...

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:08

Well he's got a point..

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 0:36

Haha, sexin it up.. Nuff said.

biasedshooter 24

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 1:44

And it's pitching his tent

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Thursday 12 January 2012 21:59

He's got a point and obviously intellect turns him on, so watch out he may dump u if you act like a blond bimbo

noncomposmentis 6

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:10

Tell him you read the Kama Sutra.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 18:08

Damn you, I was going to say playboy! Haha

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 18:36

I agree playboy

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 22:03

Wait isn't OP a girl?...

noncomposmentis 6

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 23:04

Can't girls read the Kama Sutra?

bamagrl410 31

Wednesday 11 January 2012 12:40

82 was probably referring to the playboy comments.

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Thursday 12 January 2012 18:05

Read playgirl.

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Friday 27 January 2012 18:56

Awesome profile pic #4

inn0centaphid 19

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Thursday 8 May 2014 1:21

Or 50 shades of gray

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:11

It's hard to find anywhere on the internet these days

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:15

Even if you would have correctly wrote *anything* it still wouldnt have made sense

drawmesunshine 17

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:37

9, Written** And I'm sure you can guess what he means, so let's not be rude now. (Hint: it was sarcasm.)

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 19:24

I understood the comment perfectly. But hey, maybe I'm just stupid.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 20:11

No 'would' in 'if' clause... And 'anywhere' in terms of sites makes sense. (@ 9)

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 21:05

Actually have you ever read Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho? Quite the interesting novel. Quite.

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 5:10

I like the popups :D

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 5:37

I was referring to intellectual conversation, and how it's difficult to find on the internet.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:12

There are more awkward things he could of said. He could of made some bad Skyrim reference about an arrow in the knee, but more penis in the vagina. Or a complaint about a stolen sweetroll.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 20:39

Man approaches with his boner drawn, lady might get nervous?

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 4:37

the "arrow in the knee" meme is the new "the cake is a lie" meme =_=

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Friday 3 August 2018 8:12

“I was once an adventurer like you, until I took my arrow to your sweet roll.”

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:14

i mean, why not ask right?

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:14

Oh my gawd!!! My boy friend wants to have an intelligent discussion!!!! What do I doooo, what do I doooo???? OP, Do you need a moment? Chew it over with a twix.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:19

Hey, at least he's intellectual. :P

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:20

Look at the bright side; at least he isn't one of those pricks who only use girls for sex? :3.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 12

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 125

You deserved it 2 394

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 197