Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through,... - FML

By eakthegeek - 10/1/2012 09:36 - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

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QAnon weirdoes

Halloween came early

A beautiful truck decoration

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 06:01 - United Kingdom - London

Damian?

Today, while babysitting, I got stabbed by a 7 year-old with a mechanical pencil. FML

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By Annabelle - 5/7/2009 20:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML

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By disboydanielx - 16/11/2018 03:00

Today, I went to school without knowing that all my math books had been peed on by my cousin's cat. FML

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By snowbunny - 11/1/2011 02:03 - United States

Today, I got snowed in. At work. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 17:54 - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my boyfriend come over for dinner for the first time. It was all going well until my dad started explaining to my boyfriend how to use toilet paper. He even demonstrated it. FML

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By dogh8er - 18/12/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, after spending hours wrapping the presents for Christmas, I came back into the room to find that my dog had lost his toy, knocked over all the presents, and was frantically ripping at everything to find it. FML

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By tillybonkers - 26/9/2018 22:00

Today, I helped a guy in a flaming car by busting his window to get him out. I didn't realize until after the crash scene was cleared, that I didn't just have his blood on me, but I also had cut from the window. Round 3 of aids testing here I come. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 23:00

Zoomed out

Today, I had a low blood sugar attack and almost passed out during class while over Zoom, which my professor then decided to bring attention to by calling me out for "sighing" about the research paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2013 10:37 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML

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By pooh anne - 26/2/2013 20:26 - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I was trying to be sexy and change in front of my boyfriend. As I was changing, he started to talk to me about how we should both try and lose weight. FML

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By boardman - 25/5/2009 02:17 - United States

Creeped out

Today, I found out my parents joined the mile-high club. While I was on the plane. FML

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By brittbrat4 - 5/7/2011 00:25 - United States

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML

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By mo - 19/12/2011 07:55 - United States

Today, my mother told me I looked like a hooker in my wedding dress. Thanks mommy. FML

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By pat3212 - 11/8/2016 22:56 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to get two teenagers to stop playing bumper cars with the electric scooters at the grocery store I work at. I'm seventeen, and they don't pay me enough for this. FML

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By ouchh - 11/9/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 12:07 - Sweden

Today, I was late for work and got chewed out by my boss. To console myself I decided to drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. My work provides this for free. When I did, my boss told me that in fact it wasn't, nor has it ever been, free; all this time I've been stealing other people's coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2008 16:55

Today, my refrigerator defrosted itself. FML

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By effingdoucher - 30/1/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, my ex adopted a dog from the dog pound. It was the same dog he made me get rid of while we were still together. FML

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By Donewiththis - 21/6/2016 05:35

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

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By Murlocmurk - 5/12/2012 17:04 - United States

Today, at school, I have to do a 45 minute presentation with a girl who has panic attacks so bad that she cries, runs out of the room, and sometimes passes out. This presentation terrifies her and it's a major part of my final grade. FML

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By wordmalfunction - 25/5/2009 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing a dinner for some business associates, in hopes of closing the deal on a promotion. I emailed them with the menu, in case there were any allergies. Hours later, I checked the email again to find that instead of serving the Roast Duck I would be serving the Roast Fuck. FML

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By Target - 12/2/2013 01:42 - United States

Today, while waiting for my order at a restaurant, a woman walked up to me and slapped me. She looked at me for a moment and said "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Ten minutes later, the same woman came back and slapped me again. FML

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By Welcome to Florida - 20/7/2017 13:01

Psssssych!

Today, my son's glasses were missing. My bathroom is not well lit, but I noticed something sticking out from under the toilet seat. I excitedly grabbed it, thinking I saw the band of the glasses. Nope, it was a snake. FML

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By HotToTrotskyite - 8/9/2009 17:30 - Russian Federation

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

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By lovelesslonely - 12/10/2010 17:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend brought me home flowers and candy for the first time in our 1 year relationship. Thinking he was going to finally propose, I got excited. I asked why he was being so sweet, and he responded with, "I thought you'd take the breakup better this way." FML

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By library book - 10/7/2014 05:27 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to the public library for the first time ever. The librarian told me I couldn't get a library card because I had an outstanding balance of $130.00 from 1995. I was born in 1991. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 05:04 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was training at work on proper techniques of physical restraint. As my coworker was practicing on me, I realized this was the first time I've had physical contact with a man in years. I'm ashamed to admit how good it felt to feel his weight pressed into my back as I pretended to resist. FML

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By buiuuum - 27/7/2011 16:35 - United States

Today, my 8 year old son cut his own hair. He did a better job than I ever did. I'm a hairdresser. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2018 18:30

Today, I finally had sex with my live-in boyfriend after a long dry spell. It was passionate and great, until I hurt my back changing positions. Now he refuses to touch me, going as far as sleeping on the couch to give me "enough space". Hello new dry spell. FML

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By LonelyPorkChop - 18/12/2013 09:30 - Australia

Today, rather than buying one pork chop big enough for myself, I bought two smaller chops just so the cashier wouldn't think I was eating by myself. FML

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By stillchubby - 17/2/2011 11:12 - Australia

Today, I was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as I was getting dressed in the morning, feeling much thinner and more energetic. Just as the thought passed through my brain, the button on my skirt popped off. FML

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By Mirroronthewall - 30/8/2009 15:22 - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth in my bathroom. As I looked in the mirror I spotted a zit on my forehead. Keeping my toothbrush in my mouth, I quickly lean in towards the mirror to pop the pimple meanwhile lodging my toothbrush down my throat. I temporarily can't talk. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2018 20:30

Today, like most days, I spent my lunch break with a sandwich in one hand while typing with the other, trying to keep up with my work load, while my coworker took a nap. We're supposed to be doing the same job, but he refuses to learn most of the software. The boss is fine with this. FML

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By burnbabyburn - 11/11/2015 17:47 - United Kingdom

Today, a student set me on fire while I was lecturing my class about proper lab safety. FML

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By janae - 6/8/2018 23:30

Today, I discovered that I am pregnant. I questioned my boyfriend and he admitted to not using a condom because he thought we were just doing "practice sex". FML

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By anon - 31/7/2014 03:12 - Canada - Goderich

Today, my father tripped over the dog and hit a wall. He was so convinced his arm was broken that we waited for 3 hours in emergency to find out he had a bruise. FML

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By dead_painter - 4/5/2016 00:42 - United States - Arlington

Today, after spending hours of my time painting sets for the last two months - with less dedication than only the head painter herself, and to the point where my health and grades suffered - I finally got to see the play I worked so hard on. I was the only one they forgot to put in the playbill. FML

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By - 28/4/2019 05:00 - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I made plans with my boyfriend for some "alone time" after work. I then stepped on some black ice in the parking lot, landed on my head, and got sent to the ER. Per protocol, until cleared by a specialist, I am not permitted to work. Or drive. Or drink. Or do anything "strenuous". FML

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Top comments

By TransitionCovert | 6

#3861135 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:06

He is a keeper

By CVeNgineer | 0

#3861147 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:08

Well he's got a point..

COMMENTS

By TransitionCovert | 6

#3861135 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:06

He is a keeper

Reply

Poser1337 | 5

#3861218 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:23

He's an intellectual keeper. :D

Reply

kjcookie10 | 9

#3861261 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:30

Huh... That is a very good point he made there...

Reply

neal001 | 0

#3861280 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:34

Damn right

Reply

Susieee_Q | 9

#3861441 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 17:32

The sexiest organ is the brain after all, right? (:

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#3862516 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 22:22

is OP dating Jerry Seinfeld

Reply

kionnaloves | 11

#3862567 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 22:32

Ha nice try dude :P

Reply

zachattack112492 | 4

#3862938 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 23:11

Rule #34.1, if it was never a porno, it's ur job to make it a porno

Reply

SassyBeaver | 0

#3863940 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:15

That's not rule 34.1

Reply

cooldukenukem | 2

#3864003 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:31

Anyone else puzzled about why they were sexting while close enough for them to see each other?

Reply

cooldukenukem | 2

#3864017 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:33

Misread sexing as sexting. My bad.

Reply

adela119 | 0

#3864344 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 4:53

Hahaha oh my gosh! I'd laugh. You make it awkward. -,-

Reply

Cathaholic | 9

#3870612 - Thursday 12 January 2012 8:36

I read it as sexting too, haha. Confused the hell out of me.

By Jaguar1234 | 0

#3861137 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:06

Awkward conversation

Reply

BAMitsnikki | 8

#3868382 - Thursday 12 January 2012 0:00

How is talking intellectually awkward?

Reply

swimmer3141 | 10

#3875238 - Friday 13 January 2012 3:26

The context...

By CVeNgineer | 0

#3861147 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:08

Well he's got a point..

Reply

J3R3MYY | 14

#3863285 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 0:36

Haha, sexin it up.. Nuff said.

Reply

biasedshooter | 24

#3863644 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 1:44

And it's pitching his tent

Reply

LexSpades | 4

#3873756 - Thursday 12 January 2012 21:59

He's got a point and obviously intellect turns him on, so watch out he may dump u if you act like a blond bimbo

By noncomposmentis | 6

#3861156 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:10

Tell him you read the Kama Sutra.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#3861508 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 18:08

Damn you, I was going to say playboy! Haha

Reply

bennie2789 | 0

#3861586 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 18:36

I agree playboy

Reply

unitedfan11 | 0

#3862445 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 22:03

Wait isn't OP a girl?...

Reply

noncomposmentis | 6

#3862922 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 23:04

Can't girls read the Kama Sutra?

Reply

bamagrl410 | 31

#3865782 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 12:40

82 was probably referring to the playboy comments.

Reply

Stalkers | 0

#3872631 - Thursday 12 January 2012 18:05

Read playgirl.

Reply

That0therguy | 4

#3952008 - Friday 27 January 2012 18:56

Awesome profile pic #4

Reply

inn0centaphid | 19

#5937940 - Thursday 8 May 2014 1:21

Or 50 shades of gray

By BeefyQueef | 5

#3861158 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:11

It's hard to find anywhere on the internet these days

Reply

CVeNgineer | 0

#3861179 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:15

Even if you would have correctly wrote *anything* it still wouldnt have made sense

Reply

drawmesunshine | 17

#3861290 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:37

9, Written**

And I'm sure you can guess what he means, so let's not be rude now. (Hint: it was sarcasm.)

Reply

2ndSucks | 15

#3861846 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 19:24

I understood the comment perfectly. But hey, maybe I'm just stupid.

Reply

Ins_Knie | 2

#3862046 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 20:11

No 'would' in 'if' clause... And 'anywhere' in terms of sites makes sense. (@ 9)

Reply

emodude44 | 0

#3862228 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 21:05

Actually have you ever read Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho?
Quite the interesting novel. Quite.

Reply

ShakeMeDown | 12

#3864407 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 5:10

I like the popups :D

Reply

BeefyQueef | 5

#3864497 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 5:37

I was referring to intellectual conversation, and how it's difficult to find on the internet.

By Kog_Hiro | 17

#3861168 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:12

There are more awkward things he could of said. He could of made some bad Skyrim reference about an arrow in the knee, but more penis in the vagina.

Or a complaint about a stolen sweetroll.

Reply

tylersign | 11

#3862124 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 20:39

Man approaches with his boner drawn, lady might get nervous?

Reply

myoukei | 31

#3864291 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 4:37

the "arrow in the knee" meme is the new "the cake is a lie" meme =_=

Reply

SaucierGirl | 20

#7670904 - Friday 3 August 2018 8:12

“I was once an adventurer like you, until I took my arrow to your sweet roll.”

By Pentium_4 | 26

#3861173 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:14

i mean, why not ask right?

By RedPillSucks | 31

#3861175 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:14

Oh my gawd!!! My boy friend wants to have an intelligent discussion!!!!
What do I doooo, what do I doooo????

OP, Do you need a moment? Chew it over with a twix.

By Poser1337 | 5

#3861198 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:19

Hey, at least he's intellectual. :P

By BAMitsnikki | 8

#3861201 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:20

Look at the bright side; at least he isn't one of those pricks who only use girls for sex? :3.