Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through,... - FML

By eakthegeek - 10/1/2012 09:36 - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

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Understandable

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Don't give up

By - 2/10/2018 03:00

Today, at 3am, my boyfriend's phone notifications kept going off. I attempted to wake him up, but he didn't budge. When I went to silence it, I saw his Ashley Madison notification, followed by Tinder, Zoosk, and Plenty of Fish. We've been monogamous over a year... or so I thought. FML

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By sad - 5/5/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my new boyfriend is the type of guy who, when there is a conflict, will just scream "I LOVE YOU" over and over hoping that it will solve itself instead of actually trying to work the problem out. FML

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By joAnne - 3/3/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I went to visit my fiancé's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

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By strawberrypuff - 4/5/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I found out nobody in my family wants to come to my college graduation. I spent 4 years and $60,000 to be the first person in my family to go to college, and nobody wants to see me graduate because the 4 hour ceremony is too long. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 03:09 - Canada

Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine. I flipped out fell of my 4 foot raised bed and got a concussion. Who, you may ask, was in my bed? My Robert Pattinson pillowcase. FML

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By comphone - 19/11/2008 08:00 - France

Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't find my customer's address, so I decided to call him. I'd picked up my wireless house phone instead of my mobile. FML

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By TomorrowMaybe - 8/10/2016 16:29 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

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By LuvShawn - 27/2/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, I walked home from a guy's dorm early in the morning, still wearing my dress and heels from the night before. I walked by a mother and her little daughter, who said "Mommy, why is she so dressed up so early in the morning?" and the mom replied "Because honey, she makes bad decisions." FML

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By tingleballs - 28/4/2016 14:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

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By -_- - 7/10/2015 11:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at a soccer game held by my girlfriend's family, some idiot went to kick the ball, missed by a mile, and hit the ground hard. So I started a slow, sarcastic clap. I got a load of angry looks, followed by verbal abuse when we found out he'd split his head open on the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2019 02:00

Today, I noticed a spot on my leg that I wanted a closer look at. I went to put my phone screen towards it for more lighting while my sister was in front of me, looking. I'm pretty sure she saw my nude that I forgot was on the screen. FML

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By Frenchie - 12/9/2013 21:24 - United States - Belleville

Today, in French class we had to write love letters as an exercise. Since my boyfriend recently broke up with me by text message, I ended up writing a 20-sentence love letter in French to my cat. FML

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By purpleivy - 6/9/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

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By antwhite1987 - 8/5/2016 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Today, my 5 year-old daughter saw me getting ready to sit down in a fold-out camp chair, and told me, with a big smile on her face, "Daddy, you're too fat to sit in that chair. You'll break it with your big butt." Out of the mouths of babes, I guess. FML

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By Cslouth - 27/10/2012 04:04 - United States - Rochester

Today, it's the five year anniversary of the day I broke up with my girlfriend to see other people. I've not had sex a single time since. FML

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By wherermypants - 2/8/2012 05:10 - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that when I'm drunk, I hate wearing clothes. And it doesn't matter who is around to see it, not even my soon-to-be father-in-law. FML

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By Noname - 3/2/2009 02:36 - United States

Today, I sent a guy that I like a lot a picture of myself, I got all dressed up sexy and did my make-up. He sent me a reply saying "your cat is fat". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2011 21:37 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way how easy it is to get on my boss's bad side. We were talking about reality TV shows and I'd mentioned how much I despise Snooki, and how useless to the planet she is. Now I fear for my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2016 21:01 - United States - East Orange

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

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By syl - 11/2/2010 06:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML

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By "cowboy_gold " - 25/1/2020 05:00

Don't ignore neighbor

Today, I came back to my dorm only to find the noise of my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was talking in my head when I said at least do it against the other wall. But, when I was leaving later, he walked by apologizing and said that he thought that I was not there, then promised to do more quietly next time. FML

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By imnotacat - 20/7/2011 01:29 - United States

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2013 04:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, my boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." FML

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By thesparrow - 6/2/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, the girl whom I have loved for 4 years told me that she loved me too and would like to spend her life with me. This was before she told me that God did not want us to be together. FML

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By CloroxDoggo - 24/11/2016 00:23 - United States

Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML

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By mimabee - 14/6/2011 13:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got a job at a trendy clothing store in the mall. Trying to be supportive, I went to visit him and tried something on. I got stuck in the jeans and had to call my boyfriend, who sent the manager to pull the jeans off me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, my grandfather kept on asking me questions about my girlfriend and was obviously proud of the things he remembered about her. The only thing he couldn't remember is that we broke up. I had to talk with him about our 'great relationship' for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2013 20:43 - United Kingdom - Retford

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I really feel about her, due in no small part to how flirty she's been towards me lately. Turns out she's really just a skank and was trying to make my best friend "jealous". He's gay. FML

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By Noname - 29/10/2008 10:09 - Slovenia

Today, they finally took my braces off. 7 hours later I fell off my bike and chipped my tooth. FML

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By ENDmySUFFERING - 21/7/2016 15:25 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML

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By andifalls - 24/1/2011 05:11

Today, my 70 year old grandma was yelling at me to take a pregnancy test, in the middle of Walmart. I'm 16, still a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13. FML

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By phishy - 5/3/2015 22:26 - United States - Georgetown

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand the man due to his incoherent mumbling. I had to decline the job after asking him to repeat everything he said, over and over again. I still don't know exactly which job I declined. FML

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By lovebigmacs - 6/10/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend the new tattoo of a butterfly that I'd gotten on my lower back. He said, "It looks like it's flying when your rolls jiggle." FML

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By Deli meat prom - 20/4/2015 21:41 - United States - Dallas

Today, my prom dress came in the mail. I don't know what happened with the tailoring but not only does it not fit, but it also looks like deli meat. FML

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By SadBride - 8/9/2015 00:39 - United States

Today, my in-laws decided they were going to stay an extra week during our vacation to Dominican Republic next year. This would be fine, if we weren't travelling for our destination wedding, and the extra week wasn't our honeymoon. They are literally joining us on our honeymoon. FML

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By not-that-fat - 27/7/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2019 04:01 - United States - San Francisco

That shirt is FIRE!

Today, my shirt caught on fire when I was burning paper for my ancestors at the cemetery. FML

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By Username - 15/6/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 16:00

Alexa, play "Cars" by Gary Numan

Today, I ran a stop sign that was completely obscured by foliage, in a city I was unfamiliar with. A city bus then T-boned me. My car is now totalled, and I’m afraid this will now go to court. FML

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By unashamed - 5/6/2014 08:11 - Australia - Ipswich

Today, an older gentleman came into my work for underwear. I helped him find his size, pulled out a pair of navy ones and he then turned to me and said, "I don't want dark colours because I can't tell if I've shit myself." He then continued looking for all the white pairs. FML

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Top comments

By TransitionCovert | 6

#3861135 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:06

He is a keeper

By CVeNgineer | 0

#3861147 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:08

Well he's got a point..

Comments

By TransitionCovert | 6

#3861135 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:06

He is a keeper

Reply

Poser1337 | 5

#3861218 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:23

He's an intellectual keeper. :D

Reply

kjcookie10 | 9

#3861261 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:30

Huh... That is a very good point he made there...

Reply

neal001 | 0

#3861280 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:34

Damn right

Reply

Susieee_Q | 9

#3861441 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 17:32

The sexiest organ is the brain after all, right? (:

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#3862516 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 22:22

is OP dating Jerry Seinfeld

Reply

kionnaloves | 11

#3862567 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 22:32

Ha nice try dude :P

Reply

zachattack112492 | 4

#3862938 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 23:11

Rule #34.1, if it was never a porno, it's ur job to make it a porno

Reply

SassyBeaver | 0

#3863940 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:15

That's not rule 34.1

Reply

cooldukenukem | 2

#3864003 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:31

Anyone else puzzled about why they were sexting while close enough for them to see each other?

Reply

cooldukenukem | 2

#3864017 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:33

Misread sexing as sexting. My bad.

Reply

adela119 | 0

#3864344 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 4:53

Hahaha oh my gosh! I'd laugh. You make it awkward. -,-

Reply

Cathaholic | 9

#3870612 - Thursday 12 January 2012 8:36

I read it as sexting too, haha. Confused the hell out of me.

By Jaguar1234 | 0

#3861137 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:06

Awkward conversation

Reply

BAMitsnikki | 8

#3868382 - Thursday 12 January 2012 0:00

How is talking intellectually awkward?

Reply

swimmer3141 | 10

#3875238 - Friday 13 January 2012 3:26

The context...

By CVeNgineer | 0

#3861147 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:08

Well he's got a point..

Reply

J3R3MYY | 14

#3863285 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 0:36

Haha, sexin it up.. Nuff said.

Reply

biasedshooter | 24

#3863644 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 1:44

And it's pitching his tent

Reply

LexSpades | 4

#3873756 - Thursday 12 January 2012 21:59

He's got a point and obviously intellect turns him on, so watch out he may dump u if you act like a blond bimbo

By noncomposmentis | 6

#3861156 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:10

Tell him you read the Kama Sutra.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#3861508 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 18:08

Damn you, I was going to say playboy! Haha

Reply

bennie2789 | 0

#3861586 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 18:36

I agree playboy

Reply

unitedfan11 | 0

#3862445 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 22:03

Wait isn't OP a girl?...

Reply

noncomposmentis | 6

#3862922 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 23:04

Can't girls read the Kama Sutra?

Reply

bamagrl410 | 31

#3865782 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 12:40

82 was probably referring to the playboy comments.

Reply

Stalkers | 0

#3872631 - Thursday 12 January 2012 18:05

Read playgirl.

Reply

That0therguy | 4

#3952008 - Friday 27 January 2012 18:56

Awesome profile pic #4

Reply

inn0centaphid | 19

#5937940 - Thursday 8 May 2014 1:21

Or 50 shades of gray

By BeefyQueef | 5

#3861158 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:11

It's hard to find anywhere on the internet these days

Reply

CVeNgineer | 0

#3861179 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:15

Even if you would have correctly wrote *anything* it still wouldnt have made sense

Reply

drawmesunshine | 17

#3861290 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:37

9, Written**

And I'm sure you can guess what he means, so let's not be rude now. (Hint: it was sarcasm.)

Reply

2ndSucks | 15

#3861846 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 19:24

I understood the comment perfectly. But hey, maybe I'm just stupid.

Reply

Ins_Knie | 2

#3862046 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 20:11

No 'would' in 'if' clause... And 'anywhere' in terms of sites makes sense. (@ 9)

Reply

emodude44 | 0

#3862228 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 21:05

Actually have you ever read Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho?
Quite the interesting novel. Quite.

Reply

ShakeMeDown | 12

#3864407 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 5:10

I like the popups :D

Reply

BeefyQueef | 5

#3864497 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 5:37

I was referring to intellectual conversation, and how it's difficult to find on the internet.

By Kog_Hiro | 17

#3861168 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:12

There are more awkward things he could of said. He could of made some bad Skyrim reference about an arrow in the knee, but more penis in the vagina.

Or a complaint about a stolen sweetroll.

Reply

tylersign | 11

#3862124 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 20:39

Man approaches with his boner drawn, lady might get nervous?

Reply

myoukei | 31

#3864291 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 4:37

the "arrow in the knee" meme is the new "the cake is a lie" meme =_=

Reply

SaucierGirl | 20

#7670904 - Friday 3 August 2018 8:12

“I was once an adventurer like you, until I took my arrow to your sweet roll.”

By Pentium_4 | 26

#3861173 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:14

i mean, why not ask right?

By RedPillSucks | 31

#3861175 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:14

Oh my gawd!!! My boy friend wants to have an intelligent discussion!!!!
What do I doooo, what do I doooo????

OP, Do you need a moment? Chew it over with a twix.

By Poser1337 | 5

#3861198 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:19

Hey, at least he's intellectual. :P

By BAMitsnikki | 8

#3861201 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:20

Look at the bright side; at least he isn't one of those pricks who only use girls for sex? :3.