Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work....

By keeks_25 - 8/5/2009 20:53 - Canada

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML

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Work

Instadrama

Great speech, thanks!

Clocked

By Cat vs. Dog - 28/4/2014 21:03 - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

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By Kimberly - 22/10/2009 12:26 - France

Today, I realized that I lie to my friends online and go "offline" for hours at a time so it appears that I have a life outside of the internet. FML

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By Nose Numb - 30/11/2014 20:24 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML

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By SenorPoopypants - 8/1/2017 19:23

Today, I shat myself during a job interview. FML

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By screwed - 18/6/2011 08:51 - United States

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

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By masterzach21 - 22/1/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, I sat right next to the door on the bus. When I went to get up, a man tripped and pushed me down the exit door stairs. I fell down and legitimately broke my ankle. While tending to my ankle, the bus doors closed and my backpack with my laptop, notes and calculator drove away. FML

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By Macdaddy - 5/12/2008 12:49 - France

Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

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By faeliality - 15/10/2016 05:54 - United States

Today, I discovered that yes, you CAN forget how to ride a bike. Too bad I discovered this in front of all my son's friends and their parents while at his birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

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By asdfas - 18/9/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, I was at work and my mother texted me. The text read, "You take a nice picture." To which I responded, "what picture?" I then got a reply saying, "The one on your speeding ticket showing you going 73 in a 55 mph zone. You are even smiling." FML

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By shit - 28/4/2016 11:05 - United States - Colonial Heights

Today, I went to the dentist; no one was in the waiting room so I danced around and mouthed songs that were on the radio. It wasn't till after I went to the counter and saw the receptionists laughing like a pack of hyenas that I realized there was a camera. FML

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By Leash - 23/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street in downtown Charleston where there are a lot of horse-drawn carriage tours and I decided to pick up some litter. Some of it was in a puddle of water, but after I picked up the trash, I realized the puddle was horse urine. FML

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By NotTheFavoriteChild - 3/4/2016 16:53

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2016 10:17 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was at the gym. I'm 360 lbs and have finally decided it's time to change that. Some girl and her two bitch friends thought it'd be fun to follow me and belittle me at everything I did. When I mentioned it to the staff, they said that they were just "encouraging" me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 06:01

Boundaries, dude!

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my dorm roommate having sex three feet from me. He was sober, knew I was there, and has a deployed military girlfriend. FML

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By cacheson - 5/3/2020 03:02

Trip Advisor rating: 5 turds

Today, I checked into a hotel for a work trip. When I walked in, the sheets and bath mat were stained, and there was soap-encrusted hair stuck in my folded towel. When I got back later in the day, all my stuff was gone because they apparently thought I'd checked out. FML

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By uneek14 - 23/6/2009 14:19 - Canada

Today, while reading some chemistry notes I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say "ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

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By just hangin - 17/1/2017 12:00

Today, as I was pulling wire for an addition to my bosses house, I was on a ladder drilling a hole when my coworker kicked the ladder out from under me and left me hanging from a rafter twenty feet in the air. To make matters worse, I had to pee. I'm now in my car with dead arms and wet pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2020 14:00

Eye-bleach please

Today, I have been having to work in a residence of people with disabilities when I normally do community work with disabled people and usually enjoy it. I have seen not one, but two elderly mens' genitals today when my actual job would never require me to see any. I didn’t sign up for this. FML

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By anonymous - 4/9/2016 22:12 - United States - Morristown

Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 18:00

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

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By Katy3225 - 6/6/2018 15:00 - United States - Rockaway Park

First Impression

Today, it was my first day teaching economics to a university class of 150. For the first 5 minutes, a bunch of students snickered. I asked why. One said, "Your zipper's open, but it doesn't matter because your blue panties are showing through your white pants anyway." FML

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By youjustsuck - 25/7/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, I was home alone, and enjoying my freedom decided to walk around naked blaring my radio. What my mother forgot to tell me before she left was that a guy was coming to fix our dish washer today. Imagine our mutual surprise as I danced around the kitchen while getting a drink. FML

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By RePete - 4/11/2016 01:44

Today, thanks to downsizing and corporate restructuring, I was "promoted" to the entry level position I had 10 years ago. FML

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By Tara - 1/5/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I went tanning for 15 min at my gym. When I got out no one was there, all of the lights were off, and the alarm started going off. Turns out the people working forgot about me, locked up, and left me there. FML

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By IronMonkey - 9/6/2009 19:39 - United States

Useless tools

Today, I work for a company that sells a leading brand of condoms. They give away free condoms to employees at the office. I haven't gotten laid since I began working here. FML

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By anonymous - 17/12/2013 05:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I discovered my mom has been using my credit card to buy everyone's Christmas presents. FML

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By jaded_woman - 27/12/2010 06:58 - Australia

Today, I backed out of the driveway of our newly built home. Being unfamiliar with the driveway, I ended up getting bogged in the mud and slid halfway down the steep slope of the front yard, trying free myself. I haven't met my neighbours yet. They stood in their front lawns watching me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 20:00

Today, I've had bad gas all day. In bed, almost asleep, I felt the urge to fart, and thinking nothing of it, I let it rip. It wasn't a fart. FML

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By kernewek - 26/5/2011 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2018 12:00 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML

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By Miramichi - 30/5/2011 12:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

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By Sabraynay - 28/9/2011 06:47

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

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By Numb - 11/4/2011 19:27 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML

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By abrooks88 - 8/2/2012 16:53 - United States

Today, I got denied a job. They told me I was unreliable because I didn't show up for my third interview. This is the same interview they called and cancelled this morning. FML

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By Jennie - 16/6/2020 08:08

Scribble your name across my heart…

Today, I sent a guy in my English class a rose. He's kind of an outcast, so I though it would be a nice gesture. I asked him later how his day was going and he said, "Good. I got a rose this morning, but I could tell it was from a guy. The handwriting was awful." FML

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By sore - 4/1/2010 11:30 - France

Today, I woke up with bruised nipples because apparently my boyfriend likes to excessively play with them while I sleep. FML

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By p!$$3D0FF - 15/1/2009 02:02 - Australia

Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML

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By GMD - 18/9/2012 20:20 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, my daughter and her boyfriend excitedly told me that after months of trying they are finally pregnant and that I'm going to be a grandmother. This would be great news if they weren't 15. FML

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Top comments

By tipsypiink | 0

#180875 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:53

hahah did the parents leave a nice tip after that? (;

By RyanRaygun | 0

#180885 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Most kids are little cunts. Don't feel bad.

COMMENTS

By tipsypiink | 0

#180875 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:53

hahah did the parents leave a nice tip after that? (;

deathmajestic | 0

#549755 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 2:03

Ha
thnx 4 the lulz

Turfin | 0

#1120698 - Thursday 22 July 2010 0:27

omg hahhahhshshshhhshshhshshhs

grunt656 | 0

#1618468 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:25

lol I love hen people male mistakes like this

nevermindalready | 4

#2522699 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 9:27

No one ever tips well in Canada.

I should know. I'm Canadian.

forever2life | 0

#2764743 - Sunday 26 June 2011 20:59

lol

melanie232323 | 7

#5400577 - Monday 11 March 2013 5:54

People tip well in Canada all the time, I generally get 15%. You shouldn't generalize.

By pancakes_n_syrup | 0

#180879 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

hahahaha, what a terrible tongue tie! That didn't make you look like a creeper at all..

By jet_fml | 0

#180880 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

This actually made me laugh. I want to know what happened after that. :P

By Futt_Buck | 0

#180882 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

if i were you, i would just hope that i still have a job...

By cinnamania | 3

#180883 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

That's hilarious.

By RyanRaygun | 0

#180885 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Most kids are little cunts. Don't feel bad.

xDancer101x | 0

#2312724 - Friday 8 April 2011 4:57

language!(sry I'm just obsessed with doing that)

tournamentdecide | 33

#6042772 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 8:59

If it offends you, get off FML

By LilKonvicted | 0

#180887 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:55

Haha!

By foreverisabelx3 | 0

#180896 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:57

lmfaoooooooooooo!

By thunder24 | 0

#180917 - Saturday 9 May 2009 3:01

Ouch dude! They probably think your a chimo! Hope they understood what happened and didn't complain!! Ps don't call little girls u don't know cutie and this won't happen

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5393874 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 14:53

He was only trying to be polite.

By Kaaaaatie | 0

#180918 - Saturday 9 May 2009 3:01

hahahahahahaha! maybe you should have tried to play it off like it was a catchy slang word meaning "dear" or something. it's worth a shot!

im6234 | 2

#1832359 - Sunday 12 December 2010 9:01

he should have played it off and said..... " what can i get for you cunti-----nuous source of inspiration to my life".....lol