Work: Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work....

By keeks_25 - Canada

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML

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Work

Family values

Poisoned chalice

Fucking Facebook memories

By Anonymous - 18/11/2020 01:08 - United States - Joplin

Mortified

Today, I bought my first ever vibrator after months of wanting one. Apparently, I bought a cheap product, because it broke and started going off by itself later. It shook my whole dresser while my best friend and I were in the room. I couldn't get it to shut off. FML

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By paaaallllmmmssss - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my dad's order of hair clippers arrived. I've been putting off getting a haircut for a while now, and he offered to give me one for free. Long story short, he managed to ruin the hair clippers, and I now look like a diseased palm tree. FML

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By NoTattoo

Today, my girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me because I refused to get her name tattooed on my chest. FML

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By Emmpag - 2/2/2020 01:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

And then.....

Today, I bought my very first car that I spent years saving for. A few hours after I signed all the papers, I let my boyfriend go for a test drive. He totaled it. FML

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By arknvl - Norway - Trondheim

Today, my boss yelled at me for visiting Facebook on my work computer. He says that since I can't be trusted, I'll be supervised from now on. I was uploading pictures to the company's Facebook page, which I have to do once a week as part of my job. FML

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By I hear everything...

Today, I can now identify which of my four roommates is using the washroom, based on their grunts. I just love having a bedroom beside the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Tranent

Today, I was invited to my friend's wedding. I wouldn't mind, but she chose her now fiancé over me, despite him being in prison for assault, a heroin addict and a general dick. This was all because I accidentally called her stupid three years ago. FML

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By fark - Ireland

Today, I slipped on a wet floor at the supermarket and busted my nose. It wouldn't be as embarrassing if I hadn't missed the "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign that I'd put there myself just 30 minutes earlier. FML

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By TheKingDavis - United States

Today, after dealing with tons of drama and working a 14 hour shift, I took a shower. When I stepped out, a weak spot in the floor gave way. While falling through the floor I grabbed the toilet tank lid, which fell into the tank and broke it. Now my leg hurts and the bathroom's flooded. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Nuneaton

Today, I found out that my fiancé's sister, who only got engaged a couple of months ago, is getting married before us. I wouldn't have a problem with this if she wasn't planning her wedding to be exactly like ours will be. FML

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By Jacqueline - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to throw pebbles at my bedroom window in the middle of the night. It triggered the burglar alarm, which woke up everyone in the house. If my parents didn't know I had a boyfriend before, they certainly do now. FML

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By BadLuckBetty - United States - Millville

Today, after weeks of flirting with the hot guy at the gym, he finally asked me to meet up with him outside. I was diagnosed with strep throat just hours before our date. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 01:08 - United States - Cleveland

Grateful

Today, my mom made me shovel our long driveway, as it had just snowed a couple of inches. It took me two and half hours to finish. She came out and said, "Wow, is this really the best you can do?" FML

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By Anonymous - Libyan Arab Jamahiriya

Double take

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, "You know, sometimes, you look like Kevin Spacey." FML

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By imnotacat - United States

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my boyfriend gave me an early wedding present. I opened the box and inside was the most adorable cat I've ever seen! It got scared, jumped out, clawed my face and pissed everywhere. My wedding is tomorrow and I look like Frankenstein's bride. FML

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By DetergentFrog6 - United States - Rahway

Today, while playing basketball, my friend thanked me for passing the ball to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that that was me shooting. FML

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By fviz - United States

Today, while using a public restroom to change my tampon, I made eye contact with someone looking at me through the little space in the door. FML

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By SHUTUPDAD! - 17/10/2020 20:02

Noise annoys

Today, my dad found his old harmonica. It’s been five hours and he shows no signs of stopping. FML

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By Fatass - United States - Knoxville

Today, I lied to the cashier at my local store, saying that I was "nominated to buy the candy for the party" when in actuality I went home and gorged on it alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a movie with a girl I went to high school with. There was a preview for an upcoming 3D movie. I asked her if she had ever seen a 3D movie before. She told me she couldn't because she is blind in one eye. Apparently it's a "sensitive subject." FML

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By yessir - United States

Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By failphone - United States

Today, I lost my third phone in a year. Making it a grand total of 11 telephones lost or stolen in the past 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2020 10:01 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

The World won't Listen

Today, I went round to see a friend who recently had a heart attack and was finding it difficult to shop for herself. She complained about the food being "too healthy" and wanted bags of chips and frozen rubbish instead. Her being overweight directly caused her heart attack. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML

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By ShylaMarie - Canada

Today, I had to chase my naked brothers around my house for twenty minutes, trying to get them to take a bath, all while they were chasing my best friend around yelling, "IT'S WIENER TIME!" FML

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By apowell5 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to try and get answers about the numbness and tingling in my right leg. The Dr told me I was too fat for my pants, and I pinched a nerve. FML

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By ihateumicheal - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to visit me at work. With another girl. FML

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By tryfailtryget11 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were messing around and I always jokingly say "You're adopted, nobody loves you" to everybody. His reply, "That's pretty fucked up, I am adopted." He really was. FML

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By finalssuck - United States

Today, I found out that I have been studying for the wrong final exam. One more hour until the test. FML

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By APersonSomewhere

Today, it’s my 21st birthday. The people I invited over spent most of the time talking about their LARP group which I am not a part of and so could not participate, talked over what I wanted to watch, and then it ended with an intervention by them for me because they were upset that I was upset. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dog disappeared for an hour. After calling her name repeatedly, she crawled out from under my bed, threw up on my feet, and then happily walked out the room. FML

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By natalie_sarantos - United States - Marshfield

Today, I took a coach bus to travel to New York. Along the way, the bus stopped at Burger King and I went out to buy some food. When I got back, I couldn't find the bus. It left without me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffed up and I was out of cold medicine. I heard spices may help with this kind of problem. Unfortunately I thought red pepper would be a great thing to snort at the time. Not only is my nose still stuffed up but I also have immense nasal pain. FML

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By ItaliczZz - Australia

Today, I left my window open while practicing the saxophone. My drunk neighbours showed their appreciation for the music with a well-aimed firecracker that set my mattress on fire. My landlord has threatened to evict me as she thinks I set it off. FML

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By mama75 - United States

Today, I tried an herbal tea that is supposed to increase your milk supply (I'm a breastfeeding mom). Well, it worked, and it kicked in at my office, but only on one side. So when I went into the bathroom, I noticed I had one boob WAY higher and bigger than the other. Great. FML

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By goin4broke - United States

Today, my parents came to the restaurant I work at as a waiter. After, I picked up the check to realize they had left me a $500 tip! We split the tips among the employees so I only got $50 back but I was still psyched. When I got home they asked me if I had noticed that they used my credit card. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

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By McKenna - United States

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw an unbelievably cute guy. He caught my eye and began to walk towards me. I adjusted myself and flashed him a smile. He came up to me, smiled back, and said "Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?" FML

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Top comments

By tipsypiink | 0

#180875 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:53

hahah did the parents leave a nice tip after that? (;

By RyanRaygun | 0

#180885 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Most kids are little cunts. Don't feel bad.

COMMENTS

By tipsypiink | 0

#180875 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:53

hahah did the parents leave a nice tip after that? (;

deathmajestic | 0

#549755 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 2:03

Ha
thnx 4 the lulz

Turfin | 0

#1120698 - Thursday 22 July 2010 0:27

omg hahhahhshshshhhshshhshshhs

grunt656 | 0

#1618468 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:25

lol I love hen people male mistakes like this

nevermindalready | 4

#2522699 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 9:27

No one ever tips well in Canada.

I should know. I'm Canadian.

forever2life | 0

#2764743 - Sunday 26 June 2011 20:59

lol

melanie232323 | 7

#5400577 - Monday 11 March 2013 5:54

People tip well in Canada all the time, I generally get 15%. You shouldn't generalize.

By pancakes_n_syrup | 0

#180879 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

hahahaha, what a terrible tongue tie! That didn't make you look like a creeper at all..

By jet_fml | 0

#180880 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

This actually made me laugh. I want to know what happened after that. :P

By Futt_Buck | 0

#180882 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

if i were you, i would just hope that i still have a job...

By cinnamania | 3

#180883 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

That's hilarious.

By RyanRaygun | 0

#180885 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Most kids are little cunts. Don't feel bad.

xDancer101x | 0

#2312724 - Friday 8 April 2011 4:57

language!(sry I'm just obsessed with doing that)

tournamentdecide | 33

#6042772 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 8:59

If it offends you, get off FML

By LilKonvicted | 0

#180887 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:55

Haha!

By foreverisabelx3 | 0

#180896 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:57

lmfaoooooooooooo!

By thunder24 | 0

#180917 - Saturday 9 May 2009 3:01

Ouch dude! They probably think your a chimo! Hope they understood what happened and didn't complain!! Ps don't call little girls u don't know cutie and this won't happen

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5393874 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 14:53

He was only trying to be polite.

By Kaaaaatie | 0

#180918 - Saturday 9 May 2009 3:01

hahahahahahaha! maybe you should have tried to play it off like it was a catchy slang word meaning "dear" or something. it's worth a shot!

im6234 | 2

#1832359 - Sunday 12 December 2010 9:01

he should have played it off and said..... " what can i get for you cunti-----nuous source of inspiration to my life".....lol