Work: Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work....

By keeks_25 - Canada

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML

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Work

Parental guilt

You dingdong!

The Terminator

By karmaquestionmark - United States - Silverton

Today, my mom sold my Magic box at a garage sale because I "never use it." Locked inside it was my fake ID, a couple of hundred bucks, and a bag of weed. She can't remember who she sold it to. FML

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By eun - Canada

Today, at lunch I was running to my group's table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled 'SAFE!' like a baseball umpire. FML

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By stainseverywhere - United States

Today, I had to sit my 13-year-old son down and explain to him that I'd noticed that his pajamas feel a little "crispy" when I pick them up to do the laundry, and ask if he could start using tissues when having some "alone time." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML

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By steph - United States

Today, I wanted to change out of my bikini for the ride home from the beach. There wasn't a bathroom near, so I went to change in front of a suburban, parked far away from all the people. I took off my suit, hear the car's horn honk, only to find that the car was completely packed with old men. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML

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By mustachioed - United States

Today, I tried to bleach my upper lip hair. I now have a bright red mustache. FML

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By Me - France

Today, I was rejected for a job I really wanted, they said I didn't have enough experience. I designed the systems they are implementing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Goldendale

Today, I walked into my room, only to find my 15-year-old brother violating my old teddy bear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cortland

Today, my Axe shampoo, body wash, and deodorant finally did their job: they got a girl to notice me. Too bad the girl was my grandma. FML

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By MaximB - 15/7/2020 14:02

Coming up short

Today, some babe finally super-liked me on Tinder, but didn't want to continue the chat after finding out I'm shorter than her. FML

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By Jonas - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

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By allison_fishing - United States

Today, I woke up with pink eye. My mom tried to help by putting drops in. It started burning like hell; she didn't understand why. It turns out she was putting ear drops in my eye. FML

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By almost broke - Czech Republic - Brno

Today, because my fiancé is criminally incompetent at budgeting, I'm now having to pay the first installment for my own wedding ring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said they were getting all my family and my girlfriend together. So we all went out to a steakhouse down the road, everyone ordered steaks. Turns out the 'surprise' was me paying. I only got 50$ grad money, and the bill was 159.98. FML

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By singingseattlite - United States

Today, I was at a symposium at which my colleague was a co-chair. She and a new acquaintance asked me how it was going. I joked that the discussant's only job at this conference was to be an asshole. The acquaintance was the symposium's discussant. The topic was Rude Behavior at Work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in the bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML

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By ohno - United States

Today, when I went to see a movie with my best friend, and there were 3 girls loudly discussing blow job techniques. I texted my boyfriend about how gross the conversation was. His reply was "Pay attention. You might learn something." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up from my honeymoon to discover the love of my life is a bed wetter. FML

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By Gabby - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing Oregon Trail online. I googled "dysentery", and sent her an IM about the mind-blowing number of cartoons of people violently shitting everywhere. I accidentally sent it to my aunt. FML

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By Tancred - Canada

Today, at my job serving, I went to clear the plates when the guy said, "Hold on a second." Thinking he wasn't quite finished, I went to put the plate back. He then reached in to his mouth, pulled out a dark brown object and threw it on the plate. It was a rotten tooth. I almost puked. FML

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By mubaki - United States

Today, my little brother texted me informing me that our father has "become a nudist" since returning home from a month-long trip abroad. I thought he was joking or exaggerating, but when I went over to say hi, the first thing I saw upon walking through the door was my dad's droopy ball sac. FML

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By XLhottie - United States

Today, I was at Target trying on swimsuits. I tried on a medium bottom and was so excited because it fit perfectly even though I've gained a few pounds. My self-esteem was at an all-time high until my mom told me I could never fit into a medium. I rechecked the tag. It was an extra large. FML

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By 1fungi

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

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By bianca131 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

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By Birthday1313

Today, my mother learned a new expression and uses it in every sentence. Her special, new expression is "boom diggity." It's apparently "hip." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sylvania

Slasher

Today, my mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seeing that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. FML

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By xxruby - United States - Katy

Today, I worked my boyfriend's shift so he could stay home. I even brought him the free meal I got for helping out. Turns out he wanted to stay home so badly to cheat on me. FML

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By wolfwolfy - Canada

Today, I was on a first date. When the bill came, he refused to pay for my $6 salad. I had to go ATM-hunting to pay for my $6 salad. FML

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By boreed - United States

Today, I finally got an unsightly mole on my face removed. While I was shaving. FML

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By keerow - United States

Today, I realized that the homeless people I give change to all dress better than I do, including the one that doesn't believe in pants. FML

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By PartTimePrincess - United States

Today, my sister, who knows I'm severely afraid of heights, got me tickets to sky dive for my birthday. When I reminded her of my fear, she stated that she forgot and should just keep them for herself and her boyfriend. My mom agreed. FML

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By hotmommy

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

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By GuessImWalking

Today, I found out I will be without a car for two weeks because my mother volunteered to let my grandparents use mine while theirs is being repaired. They've been in 4 accidents over the last year. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Canoga Park

Today, while talking to one of my parents' friends, we discovered that the house he grew up in is the same house my boyfriend now lives in. When he recalled that he lost his first tooth there, the only response I could come up with was, "Oh my gosh, I lost my virginity there!" FML

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By lulumars - United States

Today, I finally confronted my mom about how I felt about her three divorces. She then explained that she went through the divorces because I failed to keep the house clean. FML

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By SeatofIgnorance

Today, during an emergency bathroom visit, I finally broke the toilet seat my fiance had nagged me for months to replace. The broken seat sent me sprawling to the floor. I was still shitting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I'm underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is "Anne Frank". FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was sick, and my voice was really low and raspy. A cute guy smiled at me and said hi, so I said hi too. He looked shocked and said, "Sorry bro, thought you were a girl." I am. FML

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By joeshmoe - United States

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

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Top comments

By tipsypiink | 0

#180875 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:53

hahah did the parents leave a nice tip after that? (;

By RyanRaygun | 0

#180885 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Most kids are little cunts. Don't feel bad.

COMMENTS

By tipsypiink | 0

#180875 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:53

hahah did the parents leave a nice tip after that? (;

deathmajestic | 0

#549755 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 2:03

Ha
thnx 4 the lulz

Turfin | 0

#1120698 - Thursday 22 July 2010 0:27

omg hahhahhshshshhhshshhshshhs

grunt656 | 0

#1618468 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:25

lol I love hen people male mistakes like this

nevermindalready | 4

#2522699 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 9:27

No one ever tips well in Canada.

I should know. I'm Canadian.

forever2life | 0

#2764743 - Sunday 26 June 2011 20:59

lol

melanie232323 | 7

#5400577 - Monday 11 March 2013 5:54

People tip well in Canada all the time, I generally get 15%. You shouldn't generalize.

By pancakes_n_syrup | 0

#180879 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

hahahaha, what a terrible tongue tie! That didn't make you look like a creeper at all..

By jet_fml | 0

#180880 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

This actually made me laugh. I want to know what happened after that. :P

By Futt_Buck | 0

#180882 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

if i were you, i would just hope that i still have a job...

By cinnamania | 3

#180883 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

That's hilarious.

By RyanRaygun | 0

#180885 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:54

Most kids are little cunts. Don't feel bad.

xDancer101x | 0

#2312724 - Friday 8 April 2011 4:57

language!(sry I'm just obsessed with doing that)

tournamentdecide | 33

#6042772 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 8:59

If it offends you, get off FML

By LilKonvicted | 0

#180887 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:55

Haha!

By foreverisabelx3 | 0

#180896 - Saturday 9 May 2009 2:57

lmfaoooooooooooo!

By thunder24 | 0

#180917 - Saturday 9 May 2009 3:01

Ouch dude! They probably think your a chimo! Hope they understood what happened and didn't complain!! Ps don't call little girls u don't know cutie and this won't happen

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5393874 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 14:53

He was only trying to be polite.

By Kaaaaatie | 0

#180918 - Saturday 9 May 2009 3:01

hahahahahahaha! maybe you should have tried to play it off like it was a catchy slang word meaning "dear" or something. it's worth a shot!

im6234 | 2

#1832359 - Sunday 12 December 2010 9:01

he should have played it off and said..... " what can i get for you cunti-----nuous source of inspiration to my life".....lol