Today, I was running with my sister's dog. It had the brilliant... - FML

By Broken - 17/6/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I was running with my sister's dog. It had the brilliant idea of shooting between my legs and I immediately faceplanted on the cement. I now have a swollen nose and cuts all over my body. I'm a grown man who does martial arts and I got beat up by a dog the size of a baby. FML

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Family values

Creepy

Trip Advisor says no

By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 18:31 - United States - Springfield

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

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By ur_life_dus_suck - 21/1/2016 13:08 - United States - Wayne

Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

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By just physical - 18/3/2013 02:45 - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

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By Gem - 11/2/2011 10:59 - Australia

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

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By Poopamus - 23/4/2019 14:00

Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML

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By JoshWontonDo - 3/5/2016 15:06 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I tried to charge my phone at school by removing the socket for the fan. All the computers in the room turned off. I accidentally removed the power cables for the computers and got suspended. FML

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By Sugao - 10/12/2008 07:48 - France

Today, during foreplay with my boyfriend, I put my legs around his neck. He pushed them away violently, shouting, "Bloody hell, it's prickling me!" I'd shaved the day before. FML

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By FreakedOut - 31/7/2009 08:03 - United States

Today, my dad told me he was planning to have his steady girlfriend over for dinner. He's only had a few relationships since he and my mom split up when I was very young, so I was excited to meet the woman. He then told me that I knew her already. My dad is dating my aunt on my mothers side. FML

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By Jessica - 27/12/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend won $1,000 in a photography contest. With a photo I took. FML

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By jnr1234 - 20/6/2012 02:15 - United States - Princeton

Today, I was sent a letter by the vet, saying my cat was late for her yearly checkup. My cat died last week and I'd had her cremated by the same people who had sent the letter. FML

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By moonstone15 - 6/8/2011 00:24 - United States

Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML

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By awkwardencounters - 12/11/2013 11:18 - United States - Belleville

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML

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By Kitten - 6/9/2018 03:30

Today, my sister smashed a cup on my head because I told her she couldn't borrow one of my necklaces since she lost one and stole another. I was grounded for "antagonizing" her into doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2014 18:34 - United States - Hartford

Today, I realized that although I'm dating the most loveable, caring and genuine man, the fact that he's a crack addict means I'll never be his drug of choice when he needs a hit. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2013 20:13 - Germany - Koblenz

Today, after an argument with my wife, I stormed out of our bedroom through the sliding doors to the balcony. Only there was no balcony, because it still hasn't been replaced yet. I'm now laid-up in hospital. FML

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By Court - 22/2/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

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By twoheadedboy - 6/5/2009 20:46 - Canada

Today, I got industrial toilet cleaner in my eyes. Despite the raging fire party going on behind my eyelids, I resisted the urge to stop, drop, and roll, and calmly got in the shower to wash it off. Wherein I promptly slipped, fell, and whacked my head full-force on the bathtub on the way down. FML

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By Boob - 7/1/2010 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, for my art project, I spent hours painting my whole body in black spots with acrylic paint. I then went and stood outside in the snow, naked, so I could take pictures of it. Only then to find out the camera was out of batteries. FML

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By webperson04 - 27/7/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 10:12 - Malta - Qormi

Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML

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By SBT1030 - 23/7/2009 11:45 - United States

Today, I was helping my sister by getting some old boxes down from her attic. Too bad I didn't realize the piece of plywood I was standing on doesn't extend all over the attic floor. Of course, I did realize it when I went through the ceiling onto the concrete floor of her garage. FML

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By carwife - 21/8/2010 04:13 - Canada

Today, at a family dinner, my new husband compared deciding to marry me to buying a used car. Some of the similarites included looking under the hood and finding out how many previous owners there were. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 02:00

Miss Pissy

Today, I was protesting for animal rights. On my way home, I accidentally hit a pig with my car. I freaked out and got out to check to see if it was OK. It knocked me over, spraining my wrist, and it pissed all over my pants. FML

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By Screwed Up - 9/5/2013 05:30 - United States

Today, I went to therapy. I started talking about my childhood and my life. By the time the session was over my therapist was crying. FML

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By jobless - 7/5/2009 21:10 - United States

Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow, Love you" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 12:03 - United States

Foot-in-mouth syndrome

Today, I was talking to this guy I liked at work. He was flirting with me, and everything was going great, I was so happy, until he started talking non-stop about the extent of his foot fetish. FML

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By stillloverher - 19/9/2017 23:45

Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife's period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML

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By FML - 11/7/2016 21:16 - United States - Pine Bush

Today, I was at work and a guy walked up holding his phone with the camera facing me. He then looks up at me and says, "I'm not taking a picture of you. I'm just trying to catch a Pokemon." And here I was thinking that I looked nice today. FML

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By Scarred4lyfe - 28/2/2016 22:32 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my jacket from my car. While leaving I saw my cousin walking around the front of the venue. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress. She looked up and said, "Where is my beer, have you seen my beer?" and threw up on me. FML

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By whyme102008 - 13/7/2011 06:32 - United States

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

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By a816090 - 15/5/2019 04:30

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

Today, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have no idea if when I feel an emotion if it's me or my disorder. I'm my brain's bitch. FML

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By KittyKat - 3/11/2013 14:22 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my husband was getting undressed. I told my 2-year-old daughter not to go in our bedroom because he was undressing in there. I turned my back and she instantly ran off to my bedroom. I heard her shout "I can see daddy's tail!" Now, she points to everyone's crotch and shouts "TAIL!" FML

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By birthdaygirl - 11/3/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I decided to get dressed up for school because it's my birthday. I was heading to class in my heels. Then, I rolled my ankle, fell down the muddy hill, pulled a leg muscle, and scratched up my knees. At least ten people saw it. I was wearing a white skirt. Happy Birthday. FML

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By Alwayspotato - 11/7/2020 05:02

Bittie

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend, he had his head on my chest and we both fell asleep. Suddenly, I woke up by my boyfriend biting my nipple, hard, in his sleep. I now need to go to the pharmacy because of a bleeding nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 17:00

White line fever

Today, I've been using a lot of Flonase recently for my stuffy nose, and my 4 year-old happens to call it "mommy's special nose medicine" out loud all the time. My neighbors now think I do cocaine. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2015 22:43 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I went to put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. I was greeted by a revolting scent of a chicken-soup and biscuits boxed dinner. The fridge apparently was too full for my brother to put it away inside, so he covered it up and forgot about it in the oven. We made that dinner two weeks ago. FML.

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By PeedMom - 16/3/2018 09:00 - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I had to pee really badly. I rushed to the bathroom, pulled down my pants, and sat on the toilet. After a few seconds of peeing, I realized I had only pulled down my pants. Not my underpants. FML

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By Robyn - 5/1/2016 08:43 - Belgium - Stokkem

Today, the button on my husband's pants popped for the 4th time. I already used the strongest thread and buttons. He's obviously put on some weight around the stomach, but he won't listen to reason and still blames me for my sewing, which is making his pants "turn against him". FML

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By BadBribe - 24/6/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

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Top comments

By jnic | 0

#315826 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:32

Go figure, the people with the most inflated egos are bruised the most easily. The dog didn't beat you up, you tripped and it was an accident. It can happen to anyone, and you're far more likely to trip over a tiny fluffball of a dog than you are a huge, badass German Shepard. Stop using irrelevant circumstances as an excuse to brag about your strength and manliness.

By happygoluckyhh | 0

#315941 - Thursday 18 June 2009 4:07

Why make it sound like the dog "beat you up"? It was an accident.

It would have been a lot more simple if you said,

"Today, I tripped over a dog's leach. FML"

Get over it. Sorry about all of your cuts, though!

COMMENTS

By audax | 0

#315658 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:40

In the future, don't allow so much slack in the leash, and hold the leash in such a way that it can't do that.

Reply

easylazy | 0

#316034 - Thursday 18 June 2009 4:35

Don't worry-- once a chihuahua actually jumped on my pants a ripped a vein in my scrotum, in front of countless people. All I could do was cry like a baby while a crowd gathered.

Reply

fattypie101 | 0

#966080 - Monday 22 March 2010 2:42

you need to change your profile pick

By RedCarpetGrave | 0

#315663 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:41

All I can say is at least it didn't piss on you

By vkash1208 | 0

#315684 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:47

i wouldn't call that being "beat up" rather, it is just an accident.

Reply

rising_sun | 0

#315692 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:51

Agreed... dramatizing, are we, OP?

Reply

armageddillo | 0

#330823 - Monday 22 June 2009 19:41

agreed, anyone can trip, it has nothing to do with martial arts. also hardly a FML, you tripped and got hurt, it sucks, but hardly and FML.

By filmil | 0

#315747 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:05

LOLOL! ur wording is AMAZING :) it happens man. dont take it personally. thats an exciting life u have :) shit like that doesnt happen everyday

By NoMercy_fml | 0

#315786 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:18

Gay.

Reply

Falalala243 | 0

#3661022 - Wednesday 30 November 2011 3:32

Yes, 6, everyone can already tell you are gay. You don't need to comment on this fml, because it has nothing to do with the OP or his story.

By cashmuhlah23 | 0

#315790 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:18

owned

By jnic | 0

#315826 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:32

Go figure, the people with the most inflated egos are bruised the most easily. The dog didn't beat you up, you tripped and it was an accident. It can happen to anyone, and you're far more likely to trip over a tiny fluffball of a dog than you are a huge, badass German Shepard. Stop using irrelevant circumstances as an excuse to brag about your strength and manliness.

Reply

jem1991 | 0

#316353 - Thursday 18 June 2009 7:10

pwned.

Reply

kukopia | 0

#317250 - Thursday 18 June 2009 16:14

Great post! One of the best I've seen on FML!! Kudos to you jnic.

Reply

Rose2010 | 0

#2052861 - Sunday 6 February 2011 23:38

huge, badass Germain Shepard? Epic

Reply

courk94 | 6

#3572033 - Friday 11 November 2011 16:34

Haha Dude chill out .. Really ?

By happygoluckyhh | 0

#315941 - Thursday 18 June 2009 4:07

Why make it sound like the dog "beat you up"? It was an accident.

It would have been a lot more simple if you said,

"Today, I tripped over a dog's leach. FML"

Get over it. Sorry about all of your cuts, though!

Reply

deja54 | 0

#318267 - Thursday 18 June 2009 21:43

Because that makes it funnier.

By zzyxer | 0

#315951 - Thursday 18 June 2009 4:10

hahahaha i laughed!

By asharihaslove | 0

#315961 - Thursday 18 June 2009 4:16

omg chill he's just trying to make it funnier.