Miscellaneous: Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and... - FML

By slowrunner - United States

Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and another girl were tied for dead last. When we finished, she complained, "It's so embarrassing how slow I am today. I have shin splints. What happened to you?" I was actually running my hardest. FML

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Proactive

Damp, dark night

What a catch

By Noname - South Africa

Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML

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By Thanksmom - United States - Riverside

Today, my mom yelled at me for going through her closet for some warmer clothes. She had a rant about taking her clothes without her permission, all while wearing a pair of my boots and one of my sweaters. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

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By neuroticallyours - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend how happy I was with him. He responded by pulling down his pants and slapping his ass. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. FML

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By WetPhone - United States

Today, I was being pulled into a pool by my girlfriend. To avoid ruining my phone, I tossed it into one of the chairs behind me. I missed and it landed into the hot tub behind it. FML

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By swedishdude - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'd had it with my mom's addiction to weed, so I told her to choose between me or the weed. I'm currently looking on Craigslist for an apartment. FML

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By wideeyeddays - United States - Pasadena

Today, my dad thought it was a great idea to text me and say he decided to put our dog down. I was in the middle of class and still had hours left at school. It's not fun to walk across campus holding back tears. FML

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By FuglyBetty - Norway - Arendal

Today, my dad finally added me on Facebook, When I looked through his photos, I quickly noticed he'd heavily photoshopped the photos I'm in to make me look prettier. FML

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By ShameMonkey - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, while commuting to work on a peak hour train, I lost my balance and accidentally grabbed a bald mans head to steady myself. To make matters worse, the words "oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a knob" came out of my mouth before I could think about what I was saying. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML

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By Hth - United States

Today, I farted A LOT during my exam, all silent so I figured I should be OK. Then I looked around and everybody was suffocating and giving me sly looks. I am now known to everyone in the department as SuperFart. FML

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By Snufflopagus - United States - Lynnwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

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By King_of_hearts - United States - Plymouth

Today, my phone rang just seconds after I left a conference meeting to go use the restroom. It wouldn't have been a problem, except it seems one of my friends thought it would be funny to change my ringtone to a woman having an orgasm. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my 5-year-old daughter was asked by her teacher to write a letter to each member of her family to read during the holidays. Her letter to me said, "Dear mommy, come on. You could have done better than dad." FML

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By Anonymous

Stereotypes

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

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By oh shit - United States - Palatine

Today, my girlfriend was feeling down because she has put on some weight. I tried to make her feel better by showing her I can still pick her up. I can, and I was even able to hide the fact that I shat myself doing it. I'm so romantic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML

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By patrickalamo - United States

Today, while driving in a funeral procession I was distracted, missed my turn and yelled "God dammit!" I'm the funeral director; the Priest was in the car with me as I led the funeral the wrong way. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

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By NoPeeGiven - United States - Palatine

Today, I had to go to the clinic for a physical. The nurse asked me for a pee sample; however, I had no urine to give. After 20 minutes of standing at the stall I was able to squeeze half a cup of pee. As I approached the sink to cover the sample, I somehow managed to drop it all over myself. FML

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By nicknick2 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart with my mom, when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML

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By super maman - France - Montauban

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

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By cnamobi - United States

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend met my parents for the first time. The first thing my mom said to my girlfriend was, "Honey, are you ok? You look like you got hives." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at a waterpark with my friends, waiting in line for about 45 minutes to go on the biggest ride there. When it was finally our turn, the lifeguard at the top pulled me over and measured me to see if I was tall enough. I wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I grounded my son after finding out that he's been bullying other kids at school. He got mad and screamed at me, calling me a "bastard". Instead of defending me, my wife got pissed and accused me of having taught our son to swear like that. I can never win. FML

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By Furry - United Kingdom

Today, I looked outside with a grimace at the very heavy rainfall through which I had to trudge a long way. I waited ten minutes for it to let up, only to find it was getting heavier. So, I started walking anyway. After getting soaked to the bone, I walked through my door, and it stopped. FML

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By hnnhyoo - United States - Oxnard

Today, I got told that I was going to hell for turning down a man that was at least in his 60s. Even after I told him I was married. FML

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By montextes - United States

Today, my mom finally learned how to text. Now it's her way of communicating, even when we're in the same room. FML

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By chumleevil - United States

Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML

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By fire - United States

Today, I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. In the interview I said that I was excited about the new dean because I think she’ll be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned my interviewer was the former dean. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sewell

Today, my mother-in-law insisted we go to a baby clothing store. When I reminded her that I don’t want children, she sat on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. She then said I was denying her grandchildren because I hate her. Well, I didn’t... FML

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By parentalfail - United States

Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However, they asked me not to tell any of the family so that the news doesn't spoil Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. FML

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By errrmkl46 - United States

Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying "Bless you". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50m down the street so that I would be confused when I come out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML

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By LonelyMe

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me by saying, "It's not you, it's me. I have a terrible taste in women." FML

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By Telemarket - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I was woken up by a call from "the Nuisance Call Prevention Registry". The lady on the telephone didn't see the irony. FML

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Top comments

By panda_bear511 | 0

#133286 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:01

Wow... Hm...
I don't really know what to say but that is... sad
I am sorry

(Also, NO ONE CARES IF YOU'RE FIRST. So shut up)

By susie1234_5678 | 0

#133338 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:08

Don't worry, you will improve!! I was in track and cross country and used to lose every single race, but I kept improving every year and I started doing really well! That's the thing about running, you really see AMAZING improvements. Have fun and believe in yourself!! Pushing your body will make you improve fastest. (And don't run too much because you might get flat foot like I did :S)

COMMENTS

By mrdeeds23 | 0

#133282 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:00

first. and sucks for you hah

By panda_bear511 | 0

#133286 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:01

Wow... Hm...
I don't really know what to say but that is... sad
I am sorry

(Also, NO ONE CARES IF YOU'RE FIRST. So shut up)

Reply

stingray112 | 24

#6478719 - Sunday 6 December 2015 18:49

Dude I can promise you she was just saying that to have you think exactly what you did. She's that slow don't sweat it. Improvement will come

By mrdeeds23 | 0

#133297 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:02

Also, DON'T BE JEALOUS.

Reply

globalmeltdown | 3

#1664633 - Monday 8 November 2010 7:11

STFU

Reply

threer | 30

#5675025 - Monday 16 September 2013 1:10

I appreciate you, #3.

By SSC_fml | 0

#133303 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:03

Haha, it's not that bad, maybe she's just a better runner :)
Although maybe she's just trying to show off- and either way, you still co-won the race

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#917662 - Saturday 6 March 2010 0:01

You mean co-lost.

Reply

adamo_erebus | 25

#5827461 - Tuesday 14 January 2014 22:46

Yeah, I bet she just made up that excuse to cover her ass for being such a bad runner

By pleasetryagain | 0

#133304 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:03

I'm a fucking asshole. AMA.

Reply

No_LoveMM | 3

#2013523 - Thursday 27 January 2011 15:20

You mean "I'm a douche"

Reply

PaintItBlack_fml | 4

#4973081 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 6:03

This isn't reddit

By panda_bear511 | 0

#133318 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:05

@4: No, they tied for last, not for first

By susie1234_5678 | 0

#133338 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:08

Don't worry, you will improve!! I was in track and cross country and used to lose every single race, but I kept improving every year and I started doing really well! That's the thing about running, you really see AMAZING improvements. Have fun and believe in yourself!! Pushing your body will make you improve fastest. (And don't run too much because you might get flat foot like I did :S)

By colortherainbowx | 0

#133344 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:08

Tell her that you have anorexia and that your body is too weak to beat her.

By uglymoose89 | 0

#133345 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:08

atleast you tried your hardest, which is more than what many people can say.

By nazooer | 11

#133347 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:09

Stfu you nerd #5