Miscellaneous: Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and... - FML

By slowrunner - United States

Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and another girl were tied for dead last. When we finished, she complained, "It's so embarrassing how slow I am today. I have shin splints. What happened to you?" I was actually running my hardest. FML

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Triage

Leave us alone

Great speech, thanks!

By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 04:00 - United Kingdom

Spice

Today, I dropped some food on the floor and picked it back up, took a bite, and quickly realised it had toenail cuttings in it. I never cut my toenails in my dining room. FML

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By verasam01 - United States

Today, I took a picture of myself and put it on Facebook. After I did so, I realized that in the background, you can see my crush's Facebook page up on my laptop. He tagged himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were building the homecoming float, the theme is Seasons of Love. We went around the yard and put random leaves on the float. My friend's dad looked at the float and said, "You do realize that's poison ivy?" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2021 07:59

Sometimes, family shouldn't stick together

Today, I learned that my family only came to the state I live in because my great grandfather was caught molesting his own children. He was never convicted. FML

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By ChangMu - United States - Des Moines

Today, I had to go buy diaper rash cream. For myself. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML

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By bankergirl - United States

Today, I got called into work and I was really excited to earn some extra money. One block from getting there I get pulled over. Apparently my tags were expired, and there goes half a weeks pay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally finished painting a house that took me 3 weeks to complete at 10 hours a day, including weekends, due to my dedication to perfection. When I went to meet with the homeowner for pay day, which was supposed to be $2000, he gave me $200, 5 tacos and then told me to "get the f*** off my lawn." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML

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By painfulintercourse - Canada

Today, my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help "loosen me up" so sex isn't so painful. I haven't been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go fuck myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my brother, the plumber, was called to unblock a toilet. Whenever this occurs, he takes a photo of it and sends it to me. It always seems to happen around meal time. FML

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By Lunar-Spice - 16/12/2020 04:54 - United States - Midlothian

Teddy is always there for you

Today, and for the past month, I'm so lonely that I fall asleep holding my teddy bear's paw for comfort. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML

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By quarantine15

Oh, so sexy

Today, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband of 6 years if he wanted to "put a baby in me." He shook the recent belly fat I gained and asked, "Is there room for a baby in there?" FML

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By takeiteasy - France

Today, my wife and I went to a wedding. At one in the morning, when the cheese was being served, we were starting to fall asleep at the table, so we went to our car to take a short nap. When we woke up it was 5am, and the party was over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, I saw my cat playing with one of his many toy mice. Knowing he likes to play fetch, I picked it up and threw it across the room. Upon trying to pick it up a second time, I realized that not only was it not a toy, but it was only half-dead. FML

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By mee - Australia

Dates that matter

Today, my boyfriend sang "Happy birthday" to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembers the date of the first time he went down on me. FML

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By homerde - France

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

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By PlsForget - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was volunteering at a neighborhood house tutoring a bunch of kids. Everything was going fine until one of them jumped on the table I was at, which broke and hit my knee. I swore in front of all the kids and my volunteer coordinator. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML

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By Annonymous

Today, my neighbors put up their Christmas lights. They blink red and green on and off. Ever since they put them up, my dog hasn't stopped barking. It's 2:00AM. FML

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By praise the prenup - United States - Delaware

Today, I found out that the landscaper my wife hired on my behalf wasn't kidding when he said he was going to trim my wife's bush. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw an attractive, thin woman eating a salad. Trying to be smooth, I approached her and told her that she didn't need to eat so scarcely, because she was beautiful. She promptly gave me a dirty look and informed me that she was a vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Park

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

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By frozenpoo - United States

Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML

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By Carolyn Dee Humphrey

Today, I found out my friend and I have the same due date and the same baby daddy. It's my boyfriend of 9 years. FML

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By iMarriedmymother - United States

Today, my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you." FML

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By Anistoncole - 13/3/2021 20:01

Always check for tits

Today, I was showing why we picked the colour in our posters and ads for my department. I used a video to explain; I hadn't watched the full video. I skipped to halfway through and there was a picture of a naked woman with starfish on her tits. Everyone kinda went silent. FML

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By chels

Plebs need not apply.

Today, when my new boyfriend told me he liked playing games, he meant a 60" TV with a professional gaming chair in the middle of his living room, and 48-hour gaming marathons where he totally ignores me, refuses to sleep or shower, and only has energy drinks and cheerios. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as an important meeting with clients was drawing to a close, we all stood up and they bid their farewells. My response was to blurt out, "Hello!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML

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By CD - United States

Today, my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. FML

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By sparkyjaf - Australia - West Pymble

Today, all of my roommates handed in their vacating notice unexpectedly. They are all moving to a new house together in two weeks, leaving me to be either homeless or forced to pay 4 times what I was paying in rent. FML

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By why - United States - Beachwood

Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML

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By thefuck - Ireland - Ballyjamesduff

Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML

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By sadbride

Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream cake at my bridal shower. I am severely lactose intolerant, which I have been telling her for years. She responded by telling me, and I quote, "The food is for the guests." FML

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By mrwilly - United States - Corona

Weird flex, but OK

Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third person as "Mr. Willy". Even during sex. FML

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By izhamilton - United States

Today, after flying halfway across the world to see the man I love, he admitted cheating on me several days before I arrived, not only with someone I know, but with someone I hate. FML

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Top comments

By panda_bear511 | 0

#133286 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:01

Wow... Hm...
I don't really know what to say but that is... sad
I am sorry

(Also, NO ONE CARES IF YOU'RE FIRST. So shut up)

By susie1234_5678 | 0

#133338 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:08

Don't worry, you will improve!! I was in track and cross country and used to lose every single race, but I kept improving every year and I started doing really well! That's the thing about running, you really see AMAZING improvements. Have fun and believe in yourself!! Pushing your body will make you improve fastest. (And don't run too much because you might get flat foot like I did :S)

COMMENTS

By mrdeeds23 | 0

#133282 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:00

first. and sucks for you hah

By panda_bear511 | 0

#133286 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:01

Wow... Hm...
I don't really know what to say but that is... sad
I am sorry

(Also, NO ONE CARES IF YOU'RE FIRST. So shut up)

Reply

stingray112 | 24

#6478719 - Sunday 6 December 2015 18:49

Dude I can promise you she was just saying that to have you think exactly what you did. She's that slow don't sweat it. Improvement will come

By mrdeeds23 | 0

#133297 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:02

Also, DON'T BE JEALOUS.

Reply

globalmeltdown | 3

#1664633 - Monday 8 November 2010 7:11

STFU

Reply

threer | 30

#5675025 - Monday 16 September 2013 1:10

I appreciate you, #3.

By SSC_fml | 0

#133303 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:03

Haha, it's not that bad, maybe she's just a better runner :)
Although maybe she's just trying to show off- and either way, you still co-won the race

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#917662 - Saturday 6 March 2010 0:01

You mean co-lost.

Reply

adamo_erebus | 25

#5827461 - Tuesday 14 January 2014 22:46

Yeah, I bet she just made up that excuse to cover her ass for being such a bad runner

By pleasetryagain | 0

#133304 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:03

I'm a fucking asshole. AMA.

Reply

No_LoveMM | 3

#2013523 - Thursday 27 January 2011 15:20

You mean "I'm a douche"

Reply

PaintItBlack_fml | 4

#4973081 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 6:03

This isn't reddit

By panda_bear511 | 0

#133318 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:05

@4: No, they tied for last, not for first

By susie1234_5678 | 0

#133338 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:08

Don't worry, you will improve!! I was in track and cross country and used to lose every single race, but I kept improving every year and I started doing really well! That's the thing about running, you really see AMAZING improvements. Have fun and believe in yourself!! Pushing your body will make you improve fastest. (And don't run too much because you might get flat foot like I did :S)

By colortherainbowx | 0

#133344 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:08

Tell her that you have anorexia and that your body is too weak to beat her.

By uglymoose89 | 0

#133345 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:08

atleast you tried your hardest, which is more than what many people can say.

By nazooer | 11

#133347 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 20:09

Stfu you nerd #5