Miscellaneous: Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML

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Miscellaneous

Our house, in the middle of our street

Reliable

Not a good look

By KPKallery - United States

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

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By Ohhh the pain

Today, after a night of vomiting and diarrhoea, my family forced me to our beach house for the night. I packed my bag and my mum said she put my bag in the car. We get there where we realise she forgot to put my bag in the car. Not a big deal I thought. 5 minutes later I shit and vomited myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:01 - Australia - Sydney

Stuck

Today, I was told by my boss if I was late one more time he fired me. I replied, "Can I quit then if that's the case." He then said no, and gave me more shifts. FML

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By stupidtoothpick2 - United States

Today, I spent hours trying to get a piece of food out of my two front teeth. I didn't have anything I could use, until I went out to dinner and got a toothpick. I finally got the food out of teeth. The toothpick broke. Now the tip of the toothpick is stuck in my teeth. FML

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By sadNsingle

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister's wedding, because he didn't want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 07:01 - United States - Tyler

Walk on the wild side

Today, I had to go get my fiancé's car so it wouldn't get impounded after he was arrested at 12 a.m. and charged with a felony. I just got out of prison in March, and we get married next week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Thibodaux

Today, I watched my high school crush pull into the parking spot next to me, and then almost immediately he started backing out once he saw me parked next to him. FML

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By BadLuckBetty - United States - Millville

Today, after weeks of flirting with the hot guy at the gym, he finally asked me to meet up with him outside. I was diagnosed with strep throat just hours before our date. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chelsea

Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Bagenalstown

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone, when I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart. He swore at me for being a pig, hung up, and has ignored all my subsequent calls. I try not to date idiots, but it's like I have a big old shithead-attracting magnet attached to me or something. FML

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By IncompatibleMetier - France

Today, and for a long time, I've had a phobia of schools. I'm extremely stressed out about starting in a new school. Normal, right? Yes, except that I'm the teacher. FML

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By Guitar-ZERO - United States

Today, my band had a show. We played a love song, and during the bridge, I ask out a friend of mine who was in the crowd, over the mic, in front of at least 200 people. She said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Central Islip

Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

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By heeeeeyitsbrittney

Today, I cut myself with a butter knife while trying to get a piece of brownie from a pan. I don't think I was meant to survive on Earth for very long. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

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By sucks4me - United States

Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

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By confused - Canada

Today, I found out that my employers hired me under the assumption that I was gay. Apparently, they are attempting to be perceived as more open-minded. I'm not gay, but I'm afraid being straight could cost me my job. FML

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By xetsa - France

Today, I realized for the last year that my husband has been home from Iraq, I haven't gotten more than a few hours of sleep at night. Not because he gets nightmares, but because he now snores so loud that the pets sleep at the other end of the house to get rest. FML

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By bleach bleach bleach - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

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By whywilson.. - Canada

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

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By bym

Today, I got braces fitted. For the next two years, I'll be the most handsome guy on earth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. A few hours later, we discovered he's highly allergic to my Summer's Eve soap. He looks like he's been attacked by bees. Yay for losing my v-card. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 17:01 - United States - Columbus

Vampires are everywhere

Today, at 1:30 a.m., a big ass bat squeezed its nasty body through the bottom crack of the door. My sweet little Corgi cowered on the bed as the bat flew circles around my head. I'll be moving now. FML

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By anon - United States - Georgetown

Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, by helping my sweet, caring boyfriend get over his crippling insecurities and develop some confidence, I've turned him into a lying, cheating asshole I can't stand. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, after months of job searching I got a job interview. I also later got a phone call from the manager informing me they burned down, and all current employees will be relocated or dismissed, and that my interview, scheduled for tomorrow, is postponed indefinitely. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, for the second time this week, I was asked to stop putting on such an obviously fake "British" accent. I am British and have lived here all my life. FML

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By wth? - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my cousin started sending sarcastic love messages to me. I replied, with even cheesier lines. Then she rang me saying she was so glad I felt the same way. Turns out she wasn't being sarcastic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wilmington

Today, I walked in on my dog slurping my coffee. I'm not sure how long we have been sharing my morning cup of joe. FML

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By Anna - United States - Buellton

Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, during a meeting with my boss, she explained she's giving me one more chance before she has to fire me. Her reason? I accidentally ordered chicken on a salad last week for a meeting and she feels my performance has gone down the tubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 11:01

Renters' rights

Today, I’m a student renting a room in an old lady’s house. The other lodger, who arrived a few weeks later, hates my guts now because my room has a tiny old TV and hers doesn’t. It wasn’t even my choice to take this room, it was decided by the landlady. But sure, I’m an evil, TV-hogging bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

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By turnoff - United States

Today, I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. FML

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By ihatebadkids - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was uninvited from every family event henceforth, because I finally had it and told my sister that I can’t stand to be around her horribly misbehaved kids. They have screaming meltdown tantrums, throw and break things, start fights and steal. How am I the bad guy? FML

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By sirenmario

Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words 'stupid bitch' every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML

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By j. farmer-smith - United States - Jamestown

Today, I'm a superintendent at a school, and it snowed today after school. The snow ended up freezing on the road, so I called school off for tomorrow. I sent calls home, cancelled all school events, and then realized that it's Friday. FML

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By Gjkashldf - United States

Today, I was at the gym and I saw a really cute guy working out nearby. I tried to get his attention by taking off my shirt and smiling at him. When he walked over to me, instead of asking for my number, he just said "Can you please put that back on? Thanks". FML

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By Ready to break up - 8/1/2021 05:01 - United States - Hesperia

Smells like victory

Today, my girlfriend and her best friend have been in a contest to see who can go the longest without showering. They’ve just hit day 22. They smell so bad, I can’t stand to be in the same room with them anymore. I'm really about to dump her. FML

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By non believer - United States

Today, I told my parents I no longer believe in the religion they strictly raised me under. They responded by kicking me out of the house. I'm broke, jobless and the only person that will take me in is my psycho ex-girlfriend who never got over me. FML

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Top comments

By Filitov | 0

#1818318 - Thursday 9 December 2010 9:14

So... how many people in the audience returned the gesture?

By Mr_Zachary | 0

#1818424 - Thursday 9 December 2010 10:17

How awful. I am truly, deeply offended. You should be ashamed of yourself, you cretin! It's no wonder the world is in the state it is in when you consider the fact that young people go flipping people off all willy nilly! Don't you know nothing creates terrorists and destroys nations quicker than being flipped off? I'm telling your mother.