Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about...

By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By ruinedmoment - 24/2/2011 06:20 - United States

Today, I was looking at an old post between my ex and I on Facebook. Everything I was reading was adorable. Just as I was reminiscing about the great relationship we had, I look to the right of the screen to see the girl he cheated on me with in "People you may know". Thanks Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2013 00:07 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my father shot my fiancé. He's fine, but the wedding is off. FML

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By unbelievable208 - 5/8/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML

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By The fuck, junior? - 5/7/2013 22:45 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old son apparently practicing his oral sex skills on the crotch of one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2010 07:25 - United States

Today, after having been a vegetarian for 8 years because I'm opposed to cruelty to animals, I lost a bet and had to eat a whole cheeseburger. I loved it. FML

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By C BOMB - 14/9/2015 23:58 - Australia - Toowong

Today, I was getting coffee when I pulled my lip balm from my pocket and started playing with it in my hands, tapping it on my face and lip. There were there two gorgeous guys in front of me who kept turning around and staring at me. I was actually holding a tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Chicago

So, it is not immoral ?

Today, my parents were arguing about their relationship. My mom, who is very Christian, yells at my dad for watching porn. My dad responds, "Of course I watch porn, I've told you! I have shown you!" He is also the one who stressed to me at a very young age that porn is immoral. FML

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By anonymous - 13/1/2014 01:40 - United States - Upper Darby

Today, it was my birthday, so when I woke up, I came downstairs yelling, "ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, IS A BIG BOOTY HOE," only to find that my family had thrown me a surprise party. All my grandparents were at the bottom of the stairs. FML

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By lageste - 20/11/2008 04:37 - France

Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

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By Jen__ - 22/3/2014 07:18 - Canada - Kitimat

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

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By TheSaddestSpiceMeatball - 30/10/2019 16:00

Happy Reset Day!

Today, it was mine and my fiancé's 4 year anniversary. What did he get me? Nothing, but I did find out he's been cheating on me with multiple women. Guess I’m back to 0 years. FML

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By ohsnap - 22/1/2011 21:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog start growling. He must have thought my girlfriend was hurting me, because out of nowhere and before I could do anything, he attacked her. FML

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By poorgirl - 17/5/2016 13:03 - United States

Today, I was reminded what poverty is like when I had to choose between buying food and buying pads. Now, I have to take constant bathroom breaks and wipe off my pad. I don't get paid until after my period ends. FML

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By ppema - 31/7/2015 18:28 - United States

Today, I went to a frozen yogurt stand with my dad. One of the flavors was called "Juicy Cherry." I had to stand there and watch in horror as he told the woman running the stand all about how he'd like to taste her juicy cherry. FML

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By lauren - 8/7/2010 04:51 - United States

Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it." FML

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By 21ShitCleaner - 21/4/2015 12:51 - United States - Poway

Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML

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By Frostbitten - 27/2/2013 03:00 - United States - Freeport

Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip. There was a shift in gears and the metal in the seat began to vibrate. My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing. It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2017 20:00

Today, after spending five months helping my husband lose a ton, he left me. Apparently, "fit people" should only have sex with "fit people". FML

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By notworthit - 23/2/2010 00:53 - United States

Today, a guy I'd been seeing off and on for the past three years broke things off over a Facebook message. I replied, and told him that I was at least worth a phone call. He replied "Well, I'm sorry, I disagree." FML

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By double trouble - 4/5/2015 04:04

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML

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By infortunatename - 1/8/2014 23:10 - United States

Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML

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By ronboy - 26/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to be responsible and call a cab to take my drunk ass home from the bar. As I climbed into the cab, I was quickly pulled back out and had the shit beaten out of me by a group of drunk guys who thought they needed the ride more. The police soon arrived and arrested us all. FML

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By FranticFarAwayDaughter - 16/11/2017 19:00

Today, my mother was transferred from the hospital to a long-term care facility. Nobody I talk to at the hospital knows what facility they sent her to. FML

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By SweptWolf - 6/6/2020 23:02

Doomed

Today, my fiancée handed me her engagement ring back and told me she felt like she's pressuring me into marriage, so to make me feel better about it we’re no longer engaged. On top of this, I found out she’s started talking to her ex again. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 20:00 - Canada

Today, I took my girlfriend out for dinner to a fancy Italian restaurant for our one year anniversary. After giving her some roses, freshly baked cookies, and a thoughtful poem I wrote for her, she started laughing and asked for her real gift. FML

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By anonymous - 6/6/2016 16:51 - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

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By trackdaddy - 2/5/2017 09:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, my dad came to take pictures of me at my track meet. When looking back at the photos, I noticed most of them were zoomed in shots of the girls' butts in their spandex. FML

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By My_Name_Is_Zach - 23/7/2012 03:48

Today, my neighbor called me on vacation to tell me that she let my mother into my house to feed my fish. I don't have fish, and my mother passed away 3 years ago. FML

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By kady - 4/1/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was holding my hair back while I threw up. The smell then reached him and caused him to throw up in my hair. FML

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By betterthanhodor - 8/11/2014 14:09 - United Kingdom - Woodbridge

Today, I was getting everything ready for mine and my husband's first wedding anniversary. Flowers, check. Crisp new bed sheets, check. Silk underwear, check. Crippling cramps and an early period, check. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 23:00

Incognito browsing

Today, my dad is super overprotective and can view my search history through his phone. I'd downloaded the Google app to be able search for things he wouldn't approve of. I just realized I've been making all these searches on my school account. I go to a private school and they can view my search history. FML

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By justkillm3 - 13/5/2010 04:07 - United States

Today, I came home after ten hours at work to find my unemployed wife and 4 kids sprawled out watching TV waiting for me to get home and cook for them. I had to wash all the dishes first because they didn't feel like getting up or helping. FML

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By pain - 26/2/2010 10:23 - Japan

Today, I realized explosive diarrhea can happen, and at the most inopportune times, such as on the day of MY wedding. At the alter while my husband said his vows. FML

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By London - 18/9/2009 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. I went into hospital to get it put in a cast, but still went into school afterwards. I got written up for truancy because I didn't have a doctor's note. The cast was still on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, completely nude, I had to collect my clothes around the boy’s apartment I have been sleeping with for awhile. While his girlfriend watched to make sure I “got the fuck out.” FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2011 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine weren't fitting properly. To my amazement, I wasn't a 32A, but a 32AA. I might as well have craters on my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 12:51 - Netherlands

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

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By I Have Failed - 2/4/2014 20:10 - Spain - Madrid

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

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By I hate my job - 23/12/2014 08:14 - Canada - Delta

Today, I went to my retail job to buy some clothing. As soon as I walked through the doors, my manager yelled at me for not being in appropriate work clothes. I tried to explain that I was off the clock but he was having none of it. I got written up. FML

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Top comments

By Filitov | 0

#1818318 - Thursday 9 December 2010 9:14

So... how many people in the audience returned the gesture?

By Mr_Zachary | 0

#1818424 - Thursday 9 December 2010 10:17

How awful. I am truly, deeply offended. You should be ashamed of yourself, you cretin! It's no wonder the world is in the state it is in when you consider the fact that young people go flipping people off all willy nilly! Don't you know nothing creates terrorists and destroys nations quicker than being flipped off? I'm telling your mother.