Kids: Today, I was responsible for taking care of Hoppers, the rabbit...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was responsible for taking care of Hoppers, the rabbit belonging to my sons 3rd grade class. Tomorrow my son returns Hoppers so the next student can care for him. That won't be happening because Hoppers hopped out my 5th story window. FML

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Kids

Commando

Dangling modifier

Season finale

By idiot - United States - Wausau

Today, while I was reading on my tablet, my dog wanted to be let outside, so I set down the tablet and let her outside. I returned to the living room to continue reading when I heard a crunch. The tablet had fallen to the floor and I'd stepped on it. FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend has big fake boobs, but gets offended when I tell her how much I like them. FML

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By anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend rather stupidly assumed that because my vagina is no longer in use after giving birth, we would automatically start having anal sex. After I loudly explained how that wasn't happening, he then had the nerve to ask for a blowjob before we'd even left the hospital. FML

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By firstandlastjob - 13/6/2020 14:11

Make it stop

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

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By AliKate

Today, my father has finally started to focus on his health to reduce his weight and cholesterol. He has also decided that I'll do it with him. Now, he won't let me eat unless he's there to watch me. He leaves at 7 a.m. and doesn't come home until 9. FML

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Bachelor party

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By thatwasmiz - United States

Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML

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By easyontheeyes1 - 1/5/2020 02:00

Romantic afterglow

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Immediately after we'd finished, he said, "Get off, you're making it hard to breathe on top of me." FML

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By - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend told me what turns her on: cheese. FML

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By littl3storm - 24/4/2020 23:00

Time for the ER

Today, my brace broke and due to Covid-19, I can't get it fixed for another month and a half. Four brackets have come off, the wire is sinking into my gum, giving me tooth and jaw pain. I can't eat and I'm spending excessive amounts of money on pain relief. The cause of all this? A cheese pasty. FML

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By luvizwar - Australia

Today, it is my boyfriend's and my one year anniversary. I bought him a Playstation 2. As soon as I gave it to him, he went straight to set it up without giving me anything. I said "What about me?" He walked over to me, gave me a kiss and said "I love it when you buy me things for no reason." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

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By ptwm - United States

Malding

Today, while vainly running a comb through my balding hair, I noticed a hair sticking out of my nose. I yanked it out, and the pain made me tear up a little. It was an inch long. I'm 24 and beginning to have more hair in my nose than on my head. FML

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By vampyrate3562 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to run for the train, but because of my bad foot and limping they held the train, much to people's displeasure. No one let me sit down, so for the 20 minute journey, I stood. With a bad foot. FML

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By lydia - 1/7/2020 08:08

Like that's an excuse

Today, my mother screamed at me because she thinks I peed on the toilet seat. Not my dad, me. I’m a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

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By Dean Heffern

Today, I was paired up with a partner in my film class. He has an idea for a film: "Shoot an onion from all angles, light it on fire, and roll it down a hill". He was dead serious. I'm stuck with this guy for the whole year. FML

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By markymark - United States

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

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By Andrew Dutch Beebe

Today, I was told not to show up for work, after I showed up for work. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, an attention seeking weirdo who thinks she's my friend asked me who was going to be the maid of honour at my wedding. Knowing what she was really asking, I said I just want a small, non-fancy wedding with no bridesmaids. She broke down into a sobbing mess in front of me. FML

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By azouwa

Everybody wants to be a cat

Today, I caught my 10 year-old in the closet, naked, on his hands and knees, eating cat food straight from the bag. He'd torn a hole in the side of the bag, cat food was everywhere. We have plenty of food in the house, but he wants to be a cat. FML

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By jcesom - United States

Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Union

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Palmer

Today, my mom told me she wasn't an alcoholic because she doesn't get "black out drunk" daily. She only gets drunk enough to slur her words and reek of alcohol daily, so it's okay. FML

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By 123_omg

Today, I got a surround sound system from my best friend. I didn't even have it hooked up when the sub woofer fell to the floor and smashed. I don't know if it can be fixed. FML

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By Just keep the pins - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Normal

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 08:00

Money Money Money

Today, as I was coming out of McDonald's, there was a street musician playing outside. He had his saxophone case open for money. I meant to give him a ten, and it wasn't until I got home later that I realized I'd accidentally given him a hundred-dollar bill. FML

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By wife - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband again lost his keys. It's a daily struggle to find them. This time they were in an ice cube, literally. He said he must have accidentally put them in there when making ice. He's going to be the father of my future children. FML

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By Carmen - United States

Today, I painted an area I had carefully sanded, cleaned, and taped off. I pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster. I turned the fan on, and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint. FML

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By huh? - United States - Monterey Park

Creepy Dick Pic

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

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By emily - United States

Today, my cell phone was stolen. I work in a morgue. By myself. Obviously it wasn't stolen by any of those people. FML

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By RescuePups - United States - Waterford

Sneaky Bitch

Today, my 8-week-old foster puppy pooped on my backpack as I was getting ready to go to work. In the 10 seconds it took to grab cleaning supplies, another foster dog ate my homemade breakfast sandwich off the counter. FML

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By SlowPacker - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my family informed me that we were going on a 10 hour road trip to my cousin's wedding. They only decided to tell me 45 minutes before we left for said road trip. FML

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By - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after months of a very healthy sex life with my boyfriend, he asked me to let him try anal. I'm dead-set against it, so I tried to let him down easy by jokingly saying that I would, but only if he let me try it on him first. He said, "Sure." Fuck. FML

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By jaycee - United States

Today, after having finally summoned the nerve to report a guy at my workplace who has been sexually harassing me for months, I got a phone call from my boss. He said that there was nothing he could do about it, because the guy "wouldn't confess." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was masturbating, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure. It was my neighbor staring at me through the window with a total look of disgust. I moved in this weekend and hadn't yet introduced myself to her. FML

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By Hannah - Ireland

Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML

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By kelly.duggan - Canada - Carleton Place

Today, I went to get an ultrasound done. I texted my ex, who's the father, and told him how adorable its little feet are, and asked him why he didn't come. I got a reply with two words: "DNA test". FML

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Top comments

By JustAndrew79 | 0

#123356 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:32

He lives up to his name.

By _apecakez | 0

#123361 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:33

poor Hoppers. :(

maybe, taxiderm him and return him?
"YAY! Hoppers is back! why isn't he hopping?"
".. i don't know.."

COMMENTS

By nammz | 0

#123348 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:30

RIP Hoppers =[
But it's kinda your fault for not paying more attention to the rabbit. Never leave anything to a 3rd grader
and first!

nateb1tch | 1

#1118136 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 6:40

hmm free dinner

da_page09 | 0

#1136872 - Sunday 25 July 2010 7:44

Did u watch it fall?

NikkiRainbow63 | 31

#5849988 - Thursday 6 February 2014 2:14

Why exactly was a bunny left next to an open window.... ?

By Bobskoo | 0

#123352 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:31

I laughed. Does that make me a bad person?

JamesM9794 | 0

#965476 - Sunday 21 March 2010 3:12

no I did too

Cjw1220 | 0

#1149258 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 20:40

Does that just make both of you bad people?

zyxwvutsrqponmlk_fml | 0

#2316111 - Friday 8 April 2011 22:26

No, I laughed as well.

rajjyboi | 0

#3032336 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:32

so 3 people... ohwait! I laughed too... so 4 bad people?

xXCherrryBombXx | 6

#4710029 - Friday 20 July 2012 1:49

... let it go... it's not funny anymore

By JustAndrew79 | 0

#123356 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:32

He lives up to his name.

isaiaha11 | 2

#1281678 - Sunday 22 August 2010 0:30

ftw

duke56924903 | 11

#4444781 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:37

He died doing what he loved.

ekim300 | 26

#6134028 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 17:53

#3
Well.. seeing its not alive anymore...

that's a poor choice of words. :(

By Rodjmeister | 0

#123357 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:32

OH my god....that sucks a lot..

By Tigro_fml | 0

#123359 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:32

Hoppers will no longer be hopping... And #2 theres no pic, so it could have been an ugly bunny.. lol

By _apecakez | 0

#123361 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:33

poor Hoppers. :(

maybe, taxiderm him and return him?
"YAY! Hoppers is back! why isn't he hopping?"
".. i don't know.."

By so_me_fml | 0

#123362 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:33

Omg Hoppers!! Poor baby! Run, quick! To the pet store and get a replacement Hoppers! Totally had to do that with a goldfish I was fish sitting once.

By buryuntime | 0

#123363 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:33

Who puts a bunny or any animal for that matter next to an open window?

hollistergrrl129 | 0

#2150525 - Saturday 5 March 2011 0:09

very true

CherryBombb | 0

#2940828 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 22:41

well, obviously no one would place a bunny or any animal for that matter, next to an open window of a 5th

CherryBombb | 0

#2940835 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 22:44

story building. the rabbit could've hopped towards the open window which I assume was on the other side of the room. he might've thought it lead to freedom. poor Hoppers. Rest in pieces liddle buddy. I apologize for sending 2 separate comments.

By Loony_fml | 4

#123364 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:33

Ouch...

Call the teacher asap and offer to buy a new bunny.

By FBIWarning | 0

#123370 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:34

Fail bunny sitting.