Intimacy: Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend.... - FML

By Rawr - United States

Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me as I was masturbating. FML

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Understandable

Messed up

Empathy hurts

By what have i done with my life - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flew into Denver. Never being here before, I was excited to see the view from our window. In the middle seat, I leaned over to look - at the same time yawning to relieve pressure in my ears. The yawning caused me to drool on the stranger sitting next to me. FML

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By regret - Australia - Warrnambool

My regret

Today, my little sister put me in charge of keeping her fighting fish alive. It would've been an easy task if it weren't for my crazy ex-boyfriend drunkenly forcing his way into my house, vomiting into the fishbowl and killing the fish. Only ten more hours until my family gets home. FML

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By TMI - United States

Today, I was emailing my professor about what chapters our test is on this afternoon. She accidentally emailed me informing me of the date she went on last night, including that she "got laid... yay!!" and a picture. I still don't know what chapters I'm being tested on. FML

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By fuckedover - United States

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fainted. Instead of stopping to help, some guy stopped to draw a penis on my forehead. The EMT laughed. FML

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By whatthewhat - United States

Today, a woman cursed me out, called me a perverted freak, and said I should be ashamed of myself because I had asked her "How much for one night?." She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, "Rent A Helium Tank!" FML

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By very punny - United States - Odenton

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with a ring from Kay Jewelers. She saw the box, started giggling, whispered, "'Kay", and then started laughing so hard at her joke she had to excuse herself. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sandringham

Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to ask me if I was happy with my life insurance. I couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I'm so clueless about my own life that I wasn't sure I was even happy with the Twix I was eating at the time. FML

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By angelsaredicks - United States - Morgantown

Today, I gave blood for the first time, since I'm a universal donor. After it was done, I passed out, woke up, puked, and passed out again. The kind nurses told me I was the worst case they had seen all week. So much for doing something to help others. FML

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By frustrated - United Kingdom

Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband surprised me by cooking a romantic dinner. I asked him why the sudden gesture. His response? "The cable was out." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 16:58 - United States - Rockaway Park

Wedding of the year

Today, I dreamed that I got so nervous during a toast at my friend's wedding that I pissed myself. To coax myself to wake up, I took off my dress, stripped down to my underwear, and pinched myself. I wasn't dreaming. FML

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By idontknowwhatiamdoing - Canada - Toronto

Today, I handed in the answer sheet an hour into a 3-hour long exam because I couldn't answer most of the questions. Now, everyone thinks I'm genius because I "finished" quickly and they want me to tutor them. FML

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By frustrated - Australia

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

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By BurnBabyBurn - United States - Roberta

Today, after stopping to pick up dinner at a fast food joint, I got a nosebleed. I immediately reached into the bag to grab napkins and began stuffing them up my nose, only to find out too late that a mustard packet had burst in the bag. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Call Mario

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2020 03:31 - India - Bangalore

Don't hate the player…

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who insisted that I go with him to his friend's house party to meet people and socialize, as I'm new to the city. When I got there, I realised he had invited two other girls as his date as well. FML

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By ConstructionLady - United States

Today, I was conducting a meeting regarding safety concerns on my field site. While I made a comment, a client rep yelled out that women don't know construction, and that I should be acting like a proper secretary and should get my boss. I'm the Construction Manager. FML

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By neckcrack - Australia

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. I got a little too enthusiastic during it, and wound up cracking my neck loudly, and had to stop while the pain settled down. FML

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By fuckmyparents

Today, the school I applied to work for told me they were not going to schedule an interview. Why? Because they think my papers and name are fake. My name is Seymour Skinner. I’m not joking. FML

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By jenni - 6/4/2021 20:00

I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry

Today, my seven-year-old niece gave me a birthday card. Only she'd spelled my name as ‘Jenny.’ When I told her it was spelled with an i instead of a y, she cried. FML

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By Dana - United States

Today, it was very windy and snowy and the neighborhoods garbage cans were blowing everywhere. I had already brought mine in and I saw my neighbor's being blown away. Thinking I'd be nice, I went out to pick it up. Just before I could however, the wind smashed it into me and I fell on the ice. FML

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By Susan - Ireland

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

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By KayleeXLoVe21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

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By Tequila - Netherlands

Today, my bike abruptly stopped working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, "Lucky you didn't get hurt!" FML

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By hispanicsmyass - 26/10/2020 16:59 - United States - Cleveland

Dad of the year

Today, my ex thinks he's such a good parent that he is arguing about making up parenting time. Yet our court agreement says he's to be responsible for doctor's appointments, carry health insurance for our child, and life insurance. Plus pay child support. None of which he has followed through on. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life. Actually I ran into a billboard for her college, where apparently she is the new "poster girl" for their advertising campaign. I have now seen her on 2 billboards, a newspaper ad and a bus. FML

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By foreveralone

Spin on this

Today, I had my first kiss. It would have been great if I wasn't playing spin the bottle as a 23-year-old. FML

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By Sostupid - Canada

Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML

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By CJune24 - United Kingdom - Huddersfield

The Great Pretender

Today, I tried to seduce my boyfriend so I mounted him and began kissing him. He immediately pretended to snore into my mouth and rolled over, making me fall off of the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Applecross

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Conover

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

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By xxlenalunaxx - United States

Today, after waiting for 2 weeks for the right moment to meet my boyfriend's mom, she walked in as I was straddling him, trying to prove that I'd win in a wrestling match. I guess we met, then. FML

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By fuck your indoctrination - 26/3/2021 09:01 - United States

Batshit

Today, my cousin died of a very treatable illness. She was pressured into herbal and holistic "faith healing" instead of seeking "poisonous western filth". Her husband, church and family all seem to think she made the right choice. I’ve been shunned for disagreeing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I procrastinated on doing my on-line training for my new job. Thinking it would only take a few hours to complete, I started it in the early evening. It is now almost 4 am, and I start my new job in 3 hours. There is still about another hour and a half on on-line training left. FML

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By killme - United States - Warner Robins

Today, after nearly two weeks of being stressed out due to financial issues, I decided to spend my last 4 dollars on stress-relieving body wash. Apparently this particular body wash causes me to break out in hives and now I have no money for rash cream. FML

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By Shit - United States - San Francisco

Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML

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By spitballer1 - United States

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for my girlfriend and me. I tried the move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. When I tried it, the spagetti went too down far my throat, and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

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Top comments

By craigkid | 2

#744755 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:14

a) lock your door
b) why was she stareing

By SweetestSin | 4

#744737 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:10

awkward

COMMENTS

By electricthunder | 0

#744729 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:07

fail

Reply

livlivliv | 0

#822601 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 22:24

awkward turtle

Reply

trenton95 | 4

#967610 - Thursday 25 March 2010 2:11

lol ,=,e

Reply

iheartchapman | 0

#1010680 - Saturday 29 May 2010 1:15

Hahahaha. Awkkwardd.

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#1019684 - Saturday 5 June 2010 3:38

that sucks for your mom

Reply

BirdieCurls | 25

#5899922 - Sunday 30 March 2014 5:09

I agree with 93... but why was she just standing there staring? 0.0

Reply

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6448056 - Thursday 29 October 2015 20:52

It was probably one of those moments where you see something that you know you shouldn't look at, but you can't help but look.

By SweetestSin | 4

#744737 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:10

awkward

Reply

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3406235 - Saturday 8 October 2011 21:22

Her moms a fucking creeper!

Reply

Javalounge | 0

#4502055 - Thursday 31 May 2012 8:24

Always keep one eye open, just in case...

By malcomx_fml | 0

#744753 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:13

double awkward

By craigkid | 2

#744755 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:14

a) lock your door
b) why was she stareing

By SettoFail | 9

#744782 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:28

There's a subject to bring up at the dinner table.
Your mom, "today, I heard weird weird nosies coming from by daughters bedroom. I walk in and realize its just her masturbating. FML"

Reply

shadaboo2014 | 0

#880966 - Monday 22 February 2010 4:14

lol win^

By Sukimaye | 0

#744795 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:38

you better keep an eye on your mom she might like you a bit to much

By felicia13 | 0

#744814 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:48

would h like to masturbate to me??

By FortuneFaded | 0

#744841 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:59

Yeah, that's awkward. Very awkward in fact!

By BrownSugar_fml | 5

#744846 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 10:02

she was just jealous

By moemoeKYUNN | 0

#744874 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 10:17

I was behind her watching you :)

Reply

MonkeyBusiness_fml | 3

#2428211 - Friday 29 April 2011 7:50

You must have enjoyed it.