Miscellaneous: Today, I was racing some mates to the beach and I decided to... - FML

By KiwiBlam - New Zealand

Today, I was racing some mates to the beach and I decided to take a short-cut by jumping over a low wall. I didn't realise the wall was to stop people falling into the stormwater drain. Which is 3 metres deep. And has razor-sharp oysters growing at the bottom. FML

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Triage

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Deadly cocktail

By scaredshitless

Today, at 2:30am, I heard my baby crying on the monitor. As I got out of bed, she stopped crying and started laughing. There's nobody else in the house. FML

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By rosie21030 - New Zealand - Lower Hutt

Today, I was the bridesmaid for my dad and my stepmum's wedding. As I was walking down the aisle, I tripped and fell over my high heels, hit my head on the armrest of a wooden chair on the way down, and passed out. I now have a concussion and a broken ankle. The wedding went on without me. FML

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By boo! - United States

Today, I saw my friend across campus, and I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. Turns out, I scared a complete stranger with really bad panic induced asthma. FML

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By Pr unlucky - Australia

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

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By jan420 - Norway - Moss

Today, I paid a surprise visit to my parents, after having moved out for university last year. My room had been stripped bare and all the family photos featuring me were missing from the wall. When I asked why, my mom asked me in return why I was asking stupid questions. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my white girlfriend that dating me doesn't give her the right to call my mother the n-word. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working the lighting for a drama production. In the last scene, two characters realize they are in love and kiss, then the stage goes dark. I mixed up my settings, and instead of a blackout, flashing party lights started going off. 300 people turn around to stare at me. FML

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By spoiled22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to change the batteries of my automatic room freshener. As I held it to my face to figure out where the batteries went, it started spraying on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I have been crushing on for 2 years. At the end of the date he tells me that he is moving away and as his going away present, I could pay for dinner. FML

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By hunnybaby0319 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

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By keyshame - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I took my car to be repaired. The mechanic put out his hand when he saw me, so I shook it. He just wanted my keys. FML

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By Humaned - Cura?ao - Willemstad

Today, my school is making us take care of eggs for a teen pregnancy awareness project. Ever since we got the eggs, I've had nightmares, and people question why I don't want kids. FML

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By Canadagirl

Today, my boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me. By text message. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shut in the walk-in freezer at work. I started banging on the door. My boss wouldn't come and open it because she didn't "play games". She thought I was kidding. FML

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By SnuggieOverload - United States

Today, I finally found out that someone had stolen my debit card and maxed it out. The good news? Whoever it was forgot to change the address on the card, so everything they bought online has been shipped to me. The bad news? I've received 16 snuggies so far, and I'm still counting. FML

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By scarred - United States

Today, I heard my parents having sex for the first time so I turned the TV up really loud to drown out the noise, and a minute or two later my mom comes downstairs in this skimpy nightgown to ask me why the TV was so loud and, seeing the horror on my face, kept asking what was wrong with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic without permission to be there. When I asked how he got in with all doors and windows locked, he simply said, "It's a secret." FML

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By tylah - United States - Piscataway

Today, the mall got evacuated while I was getting my hair colored. I am now standing outside of a crowded mall, wearing a showercap. FML

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By Watchyourstep - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

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By ouch - Canada - Saint Marys

Today, the only reason my husband agreed to marriage counselling is because he finds our therapist attractive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents remembered that I loved German chocolate cake, so I awoke to a hot, fudge-filled chocolate cake with a slice cut out just for me. I've been lactose-intolerant for 8 years. As I cried, my mom handed me tissues, while eating the "Happy" part of my cake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw myself in a 'girls gone wild' ad with another girl. So did my mom. FML

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By oregongrl1991 - France

Today, my fiancé told me he didn't have the money to make payments on my engagement ring and that I either have to return it, or make the payments myself. Now we aren't engaged any more, and are "dating." FML

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By raebelle - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Indiana

Today, my boyfriend picked his nose and tried to stick his booger up my nose, claiming that it was time to plant his "seed." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after months of planning and saving for our honeymoon in Italy, my wife and I were turned away at the airport because my passport only has a month until it expires, even though it's only a five-day trip. FML

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By he's not the one going to hell - Australia

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sewell

Today, my mother-in-law insisted we go to a baby clothing store. When I reminded her that I don’t want children, she sat on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. She then said I was denying her grandchildren because I hate her. Well, I didn’t... FML

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By amore89

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

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By RIPJarJar

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

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By masterman - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

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By noraidk - United States

Today, a few friends and I ran through sprinklers at our school until we were all soaked. Then we were told that they put fertilizer in the water. I'm soaked in manure. Now I know why it tasted weird. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

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By Charley

Today, I was teaching a new student their first ever piano lesson, hoping that they would sign up for more lessons. Thirty minutes had gone by and after the 5th time of me saying what a talented, sweet little girl she was, the mother told me it was in fact a boy. They didn't sign up. FML

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By TrainedBF - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied "They worked on you." FML

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By hatemylife - United States

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2020 08:00

Stolen valor

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a picture a popular girl I don't talk to had posted of her fake ID. She had used my full name and identical signature. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a creepy old guy kept hitting on me in line at Subway. I got scared and told him to back off because my dad was waiting for me outside. He replied that he wouldn't object to a three-way. FML

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By Jade - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in front of an entire street of people. We've only been dating for a week. One of the women in the crowd then called me heartless and threw a hamburger at me when I turned him down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the little boy I nanny for finally stood up and went 'pee-pee on the potty'. I started cheering and clapping, making a big deal out of it. I flushed while he smiled proudly and pooped on the floor. FML

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Top comments

By greg1234567890_fml | 2

#832665 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:30

watch where ur jumping dumbass. actually dont cuz fmls like this are funny!

By iplaylax | 0

#832744 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:45

wasn't there a sign?

COMMENTS

By melmcr | 0

#832644 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:27

omg ydi for trying to cheat

Reply

dpsceo | 0

#833211 - Monday 8 February 2010 3:51

u seriously deserved it

Reply

Extacy23 | 0

#833515 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:10

razor sharp oysters goin up ur bumhole

Reply

lolpwntdumass | 0

#833707 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:00

lol that sucks.

Reply

silentfog | 0

#834699 - Monday 8 February 2010 14:37

he's not some midget whose ass is 1.5 feet off the ground

Reply

Stalker191 | 0

#834713 - Monday 8 February 2010 14:44

He said meters dumbass. That would be around 9 feet :P

Reply

BoarderBoy15 | 0

#836265 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 2:06

ydi for saying mates

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#904530 - Monday 1 March 2010 17:01

OP lives in New Zealand. they say mates there, idiot

Reply

twistman27 | 0

#920790 - Sunday 7 March 2010 6:51

41 your the dumbass, if it was 3 yards maybe

Reply

Alexitis1 | 3

#991527 - Thursday 13 May 2010 3:15

#68 wins!

Reply

IchBeinEinTier | 0

#1028166 - Friday 11 June 2010 21:20

meter and yard sticks are about the same length....

Reply

nateb1tch | 1

#2401413 - Monday 25 April 2011 7:37

69 you do know a meter is like 3 inches longer then a yard, right?

Reply

abc123cimsmart | 3

#3232309 - Sunday 4 September 2011 7:38

I just to know if he still won!

Reply

cii_fml | 3

#5678495 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 1:44

Meters is smaller than feet

By greg1234567890_fml | 2

#832665 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:30

watch where ur jumping dumbass. actually dont cuz fmls like this are funny!

Reply

Palirose | 22

#3415590 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 1:40

I'm surprised he didn't break anything.

By azreal_13 | 0

#832701 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:36

lol your friends must have gotten a good laugh

By iplaylax | 0

#832744 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:45

wasn't there a sign?

By fairies633 | 8

#832755 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:47

that's gross

Reply

tom3398 | 0

#1938483 - Friday 7 January 2011 13:13

how is tht gross?

By AngryNinja | 1

#832841 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:08

ahaha. poor op. hope you only needed stitches and not a cast.

Reply

harryman04 | 0

#832957 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:46

what does op stand for?
original person
official person
official poster
original poster?!

what is it?!

Reply

Shokz992 | 0

#832975 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:52

Well, at least you got it right the fourth time, eh?

Reply

rob7863 | 0

#832976 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:52

original poster

Reply

mrmystery96 | 0

#833579 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:27

I always thought it meant objective person. of course now I know objective people are women. or men if your a woman.

Reply

harryman04 | 0

#837195 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 6:30

ok thanks.

Reply

cumberbunny | 17

#5958996 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 21:41

I used to think OP meant Ordinary Person. I don't even know.

By Aurigae | 0

#832845 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:08

Ow...I feel for you. Oyster shells are evil.

By baybe143 | 0

#832870 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:16

How'd you survive? -_

Reply

talkman12 | 0

#2375614 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 3:21

I agree how did he?

Reply

atomicbaboon | 0

#2401512 - Monday 25 April 2011 8:37

he didn't.

Reply

Nomnomshark | 3

#2500717 - Friday 13 May 2011 5:19

it's only nine feet

Reply

Cartera | 10

#4053286 - Saturday 18 February 2012 22:41

tell you what, you jump nine feet into a storm drain full of oysters than you tell us what it's like.

By hj5 | 0

#833075 - Monday 8 February 2010 3:22

this would be why you don't jump over walls that you can't see what is on the other side. lesson learned.

By Facerockker | 0

#833195 - Monday 8 February 2010 3:47

Dumbass.

Reply

majorZERO | 0

#833860 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:35

well played sir