Miscellaneous: Today, I was racing some mates to the beach and I decided to... - FML

By KiwiBlam - New Zealand

Today, I was racing some mates to the beach and I decided to take a short-cut by jumping over a low wall. I didn't realise the wall was to stop people falling into the stormwater drain. Which is 3 metres deep. And has razor-sharp oysters growing at the bottom. FML

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Understandable

Late term

BFF for life

By nazooer - United States

Today, I thought I was going to my doctor for a yearly check-up. My father had actually tricked me into therapy. FML

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By Broguy - Canada

Today, I called my phone company to get some answers about my phone bill. I was okay with being put on hold. In fact, I was on hold for so long, that the music stopped playing. When someone finally answered they told me to call back tomorrow. All my phones disconnected an hour later. FML

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By Anonymous - Iraq

Today, I had to pull guard duty. I had to guard the latrine because somebody likes to stuff whole toilet paper rolls in the toilet to clog it. Only six more months in Iraq. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I’m almost six weeks pregnant. From exactly ten seconds of penetration. FML

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By lucky - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have it off with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML

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By thankssiren - United Kingdom - Sandiacre

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chandler

Today, I corrected someone who spelled "learned" as "learnt" on my favorite forum. Nothing could've prepared me for the torrent of abuse that followed from the non-American members. Now I'm banned for "trolling," and all my 7,000+ posts since 2006 are gone forever. FML

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By truecountrybitch - 9/5/2020 23:00

Anger management

Today, my boyfriend got frustrated trying to take my entertainment center into the basement, for the kids' game room. It didn't fit, thanks to the horrible design of the house, so he Spartan-kicked it down, breaking it into 15 pieces. FML

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By Lunar-Spice - 7/11/2020 23:02

Happens at all ages

Today, my roommate had to ask to check if I was drinking water instead of alcohol. Twice. Then she 'suggested' that I 'might' be an alcoholic. I'm only 21. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl that I have been trying to get with for over a year told me she was drunk and just gave her first blowjob to some guy. FML

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By Cassandra - United States

Today, my mom took a bright red sharpie and drew a red circle just above my breasts. She said, "If I can see this, ever, your shirt is either too low cut or too see through and it will be thrown away." FML

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By Anonymous - Russian Federation

Today, at my job in a chemists, I had a customer ask me which acne cream I would recommend. I picked up the brand I use and told her that I've been using it for a year now. After pausing to stare at my face for a second, she thanked me and picked up the competing brand instead. FML

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By loo

Today, I had to go claim benefits for the first time since working and paying taxes from the age of 16. I’m 50. They offered me an emergency payment of £1200, and I said no because I was too embarrassed to accept “charity.” FML

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By sorry - United States - Columbus

Blind love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML

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By wiseoldone - United States

Today, I am going to an event where I will be meeting quite a few people who will be excellent contacts in my future career. Since I wanted to make a good impression, I did the whole makeup and grooming thing before setting out, I accidentally removed about half my left eyebrow. FML

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By ALLALA - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

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By Holly - United States

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Veldhoven

Today, I think I've conditioned my body to not function without technology, as I simply couldn't take a shit until I got up, fetched my phone and returned to the toilet to read stuff on here. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, I learned that the house I've been living in and paying rent for the past two months was never advertised as vacant. I learned this when the actual homeowners walked in, and called the police for an "intruder." FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

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By mydaughterisdisturbed - United States - Huntingburg

Today, my 14-year-old daughter convinced my son that when he was born, he was actually born as a girl, but we wanted a boy so bad we had his gender changed. Now he wants to change back to a girl because now he doesn't feel right as a boy. Last year, she got her other brother to cross dress. FML

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By footinmouth - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

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By Tall Oaf

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

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By melean - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

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By PityKitty

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

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By helper - Costa Rica

Today, while dining at a restaurant I heard a women choking. I immediately ran to her, wrapped my arms around her and started giving her abdominal thrusts. She freed herself and slapped me. Turns out she wasn't choking, she was just laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 02:00

Passionate

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

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By cherknobil

Today, I went to my favorite burger joint. Upon taking the first bite of my burger, I dislocated my jaw. The employees had to call 911. FML

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By sarah - United States

Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML

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By Angelofkarma - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I passed my driver's test. My instructor took the learner signs off his car and let me drive back to my place. I guess he didn't bet on me crashing the car just a few blocks from the test center. FML

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By KPKallery - United States

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

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By tm - United States - Madisonville

Today, I went to the emergency room with chest pain. I didn't have a heart attack, but I now have a broken nose after passing out and face-planting in the waiting room. FML

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By not the scalpel - United States - Paso Robles

Weird

Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML

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By ohgodwhy - United States

Today, I spent hours baking an apple pie to impress my future mother-in-law. I was especially proud of the fact I'd made the crust and filling myself. When I served it to her, she picked off the crust and, between mouthfuls, bitched that it was nothing like canned pie filling. FML

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By Shelby

Today, my boyfriend told me that he hasn't showered in over a week, because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to use anti-perspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

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By Weddingbelles - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

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By ILOVELEDZEPPELIN - United States - Wakefield

Today, I called my mother crying, telling her how my husband has apparently been cheating on me for months. To my surprise, she didn't interrupt me or cut me off the whole time. Only when she didn't respond, did I realize she'd hung up a half an hour ago. FML

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By aproudmom - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

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Top comments

By greg1234567890_fml | 2

#832665 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:30

watch where ur jumping dumbass. actually dont cuz fmls like this are funny!

By iplaylax | 0

#832744 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:45

wasn't there a sign?

COMMENTS

By melmcr | 0

#832644 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:27

omg ydi for trying to cheat

Reply

dpsceo | 0

#833211 - Monday 8 February 2010 3:51

u seriously deserved it

Reply

Extacy23 | 0

#833515 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:10

razor sharp oysters goin up ur bumhole

Reply

lolpwntdumass | 0

#833707 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:00

lol that sucks.

Reply

silentfog | 0

#834699 - Monday 8 February 2010 14:37

he's not some midget whose ass is 1.5 feet off the ground

Reply

Stalker191 | 0

#834713 - Monday 8 February 2010 14:44

He said meters dumbass. That would be around 9 feet :P

Reply

BoarderBoy15 | 0

#836265 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 2:06

ydi for saying mates

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#904530 - Monday 1 March 2010 17:01

OP lives in New Zealand. they say mates there, idiot

Reply

twistman27 | 0

#920790 - Sunday 7 March 2010 6:51

41 your the dumbass, if it was 3 yards maybe

Reply

Alexitis1 | 3

#991527 - Thursday 13 May 2010 3:15

#68 wins!

Reply

IchBeinEinTier | 0

#1028166 - Friday 11 June 2010 21:20

meter and yard sticks are about the same length....

Reply

nateb1tch | 1

#2401413 - Monday 25 April 2011 7:37

69 you do know a meter is like 3 inches longer then a yard, right?

Reply

abc123cimsmart | 3

#3232309 - Sunday 4 September 2011 7:38

I just to know if he still won!

Reply

cii_fml | 3

#5678495 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 1:44

Meters is smaller than feet

By greg1234567890_fml | 2

#832665 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:30

watch where ur jumping dumbass. actually dont cuz fmls like this are funny!

Reply

Palirose | 22

#3415590 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 1:40

I'm surprised he didn't break anything.

By azreal_13 | 0

#832701 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:36

lol your friends must have gotten a good laugh

By iplaylax | 0

#832744 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:45

wasn't there a sign?

By fairies633 | 8

#832755 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:47

that's gross

Reply

tom3398 | 0

#1938483 - Friday 7 January 2011 13:13

how is tht gross?

By AngryNinja | 1

#832841 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:08

ahaha. poor op. hope you only needed stitches and not a cast.

Reply

harryman04 | 0

#832957 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:46

what does op stand for?
original person
official person
official poster
original poster?!

what is it?!

Reply

Shokz992 | 0

#832975 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:52

Well, at least you got it right the fourth time, eh?

Reply

rob7863 | 0

#832976 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:52

original poster

Reply

mrmystery96 | 0

#833579 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:27

I always thought it meant objective person. of course now I know objective people are women. or men if your a woman.

Reply

harryman04 | 0

#837195 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 6:30

ok thanks.

Reply

cumberbunny | 17

#5958996 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 21:41

I used to think OP meant Ordinary Person. I don't even know.

By Aurigae | 0

#832845 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:08

Ow...I feel for you. Oyster shells are evil.

By baybe143 | 0

#832870 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:16

How'd you survive? -_

Reply

talkman12 | 0

#2375614 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 3:21

I agree how did he?

Reply

atomicbaboon | 0

#2401512 - Monday 25 April 2011 8:37

he didn't.

Reply

Nomnomshark | 3

#2500717 - Friday 13 May 2011 5:19

it's only nine feet

Reply

Cartera | 10

#4053286 - Saturday 18 February 2012 22:41

tell you what, you jump nine feet into a storm drain full of oysters than you tell us what it's like.

By hj5 | 0

#833075 - Monday 8 February 2010 3:22

this would be why you don't jump over walls that you can't see what is on the other side. lesson learned.

By Facerockker | 0

#833195 - Monday 8 February 2010 3:47

Dumbass.

Reply

majorZERO | 0

#833860 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:35

well played sir