Kids: Today, I was putting a wristband on a little boy's wrist so he...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 262

You deserved it 32

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 496

You deserved it 134

17/01/2009 20:57

Today, I was putting a wristband on a little boy's wrist so he could swim in the waterpark. Just before I finished, he coughed all over my hands and arms. I finished and looked up at the boy just in time for us to make eye contact and for him to cough directly into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 716

You deserved it 2 508

Kids

This Charming Man

No data for you

Clean up in aisle 3 please

14/05/2009 18:09

Today, I ordered a graduation cake from a woman at the grocery store. She asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I said "Congratulations Annie". Then she asked me who was ordering and I said "Annie". I had to order my own cake. The woman was silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 864

You deserved it 6 717

27/01/2017 20:00

Today, I performed for the first time at someone's wedding. When the music started, I heard a click. Slowly, I felt my strapless bra drop lower and lower due to my non-existent breasts. The hook on my bra had broken at that very moment on stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 772

You deserved it 711

15/10/2013 15:51

Today, I read an article about the top 10 worst jobs this year. This list includes my degree and three of my main skills and interests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 653

You deserved it 5 566

22/12/2012 06:31

Today, due to bad weather, my dad let me take his car to drive to my apartment 3 hours away. I only realized when I got there that my keys were still sitting on my parents' kitchen counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 033

You deserved it 11 296

23/03/2013 20:15

Today, after I had changed my number to get away from my abusive ex, my mom decided to give him my new one. She insists that I need to give him another chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 068

You deserved it 3 412

20/11/2009 15:35

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 861

You deserved it 7 592

11/02/2018 15:00

Today, I spent a nice night with the guy I’ve been madly crushing on for the past year. When he went to the bathroom and left his phone unlocked, I looked at his photo album and saw photos of my house, my room, me sleeping, and my naked body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 647

You deserved it 1 238

11/03/2009 18:35

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. He stopped and frowned. I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 838

You deserved it 92 405

27/02/2012 04:58

Today, while skiing, the creepy guy controlling the chair lift said I was pretty. I was so caught off guard that I fell off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 349

You deserved it 5 121

Awkward

By rawrrrr - 17/03/2010 04:01

Today, after a fire alarm went off, everyone was going back into the building. I had never gone up the stairs before because I live on the 9th floor. As everybody was going back inside, I followed some guys right into their suite on the 1st floor, thinking it was the way to the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 945

You deserved it 29 393

23/05/2019 00:09

Today, a little girl asked me if I was wearing a wig. It's my real hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 442

You deserved it 153

23/07/2015 15:07

Today, after 2 months of searching, I finally found a good, stable job. How does the universe reward me upon waking up on my very first day? With a burning yeast infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 761

You deserved it 2 648

It's not?

By 310 - 16/10/2021 15:32

Today, my boyfriend told me he always thought the female orgasm was an urban legend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 579

You deserved it 4 067

22/11/2012 16:13

Today, in break from tradition, I proposed to my boyfriend. We were at a Japanese Pagoda. Water was trickling everywhere; the moment was perfect. While I was on my knee, after pouring my heart out, he looked wistfully out over the water and said, "So, I was thinking pizza tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 709

You deserved it 6 673

01/07/2009 02:39

Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 668

You deserved it 19 759

NEVER JOKE ABOUT FLUFFY

By Sheepiebeepie - 11/08/2017 04:30

Today, at the end of a 15 hour shift, my girlfriend and her friends played a "prank" on me by texting me from a random number saying my cat got hit by a car. I immediately burst into tears and lost it in front of my colleagues. My cat is fine. My relationship is the real joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 028

You deserved it 417

14/08/2009 22:28

Today, I was walking home when a man passed me and stopped. Thinking he was staring at my butt, I asked him kindly to stop. He then laughed and grabbed my wallet that was in my back pocket, and ran. He wasn't staring at my butt, and found it funny that I thought he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 312

You deserved it 16 073

22/06/2010 12:59

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to surprise him with breakfast only to find that his other girlfriend had beat me to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 449

You deserved it 4 354

09/11/2011 14:48

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 071

You deserved it 4 040

14/01/2012 07:51

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 702

You deserved it 6 261

26/05/2014 15:53

Today, I told my girlfriend that I love her. She panicked and blurted out our S&M safeword. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 015

You deserved it 7 086

09/04/2015 16:00

Today, I got a bikini as a birthday present. I pulled the bikini bottom out of the box first, only to find a pubic hair stuck to the hygienic liner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 617

You deserved it 2 400

07/08/2019 20:00

Today, I drooled on myself during a job interview and was immediately dismissed. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 356

You deserved it 528

23/09/2014 17:29

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 976

You deserved it 3 697

17/11/2009 14:50

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his Mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his Mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 596

You deserved it 4 327

08/12/2008 12:05

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob. He surprised me as well with a knee to the stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 112

You deserved it 8 960

09/09/2013 22:05

Today, at my boyfriend's brother's house, I desperately needed to poop. After finishing my business, I realized the toilet wouldn't flush. I had to pull my poop out, wrap it in TP and make an excuse to go outside to throw it in a bush. The neighbor was watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 003

You deserved it 12 689

10/01/2012 14:50

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher; I've already given students detention for falling asleep in class this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 819

You deserved it 42 720

03/03/2009 05:55

Today, my boyfriend asked me what I enjoyed most about the weekend we'd spent together. I mention in detail a certain move he had pulled when we made love. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replies "putting my fish tank together". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 537

You deserved it 6 093

19/08/2010 00:53

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 147

You deserved it 31 457

02/01/2010 21:22

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 080

You deserved it 6 908

20/02/2016 02:46

Today, there's a new freshman at my school that looks exactly like me. Whenever we see her, my friends shout "Twinzies!" I don't have anything against her, but I'm bummed because I'm a male senior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 540

You deserved it 1 825

11/10/2013 22:00

Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 446

You deserved it 17 581

13/11/2018 14:00

Today, my class had a debate about religion. My classmate said that Christians couldn't be circumcised because "only Jewish people are". Without thinking, I said it isn't true because I'm Christian and I’m circumcised. I accidentally gave the whole class a mental picture of my dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 209

You deserved it 1 194

01/03/2010 22:04

Today, I had to catch a shuttle bus. I awoke to the sound of a car horn. I ran out in my boxers and saw a bus take off down the road. I chased it, thinking I had missed my bus. I realized I hadn't only when I saw frightened kids in the back of the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 246

You deserved it 24 023

15/01/2010 07:24

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 394

You deserved it 3 631

10/05/2019 16:00

Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 804

You deserved it 175

11/11/2015 17:50

Today, my boyfriend asked me to text him when I got home after driving 40 miles in bad weather from his house back to mine. When I did, he broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 933

You deserved it 1 514

31/10/2011 06:57

Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 494

You deserved it 3 905

Alexa, play "A Forest" by The Cure

By JesusLaidAnEgg - 10/09/2019 14:02

Today, I was driving around my campsite at dark in the middle of a forest. My father thought it would be funny to run up to my window, put his face against the glass and scream. I drove into a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 521

You deserved it 220

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Top comments

christopherlove 0

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Tuesday 21 April 2009 22:48

That's assault. I would have drop kicked the little fucker.

Narelon 12

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Thursday 30 May 2013 12:18

I absolutely HATE dealing with shitty little brats that don't bother to cover their mouth / nose when they cough or sneeze.

Comments

HeyThatsMySoc 0

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 5:29

...& then...you slapped him & showed him discipline...right?

christopherlove 0

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Tuesday 21 April 2009 22:48

That's assault. I would have drop kicked the little fucker.

24788 6

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Friday 1 May 2009 8:19

Lol, swine flu.

Fuck_The_Police 0

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Wednesday 12 August 2009 22:41

Ahahahaha Im crazy!!!

iFruit 0

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Sunday 16 August 2009 7:05

I would have "accidentally" sneezed, and "accidentally" pushed him into the pool.

stewpididiot 11

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Friday 26 March 2010 10:09

You should have found his 'rents and bitch slapped the fuck out of them and then spit on them.

vespero 0

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Wednesday 30 June 2010 21:01

why is this in the "love" category?

chrisoc16 0

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Thursday 24 November 2011 0:46

Pedophile....

purplepillow467 3

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Thursday 26 August 2010 4:18

whoa top ten omg but yahh I would hav moved when he started speaking to get in his face so he can cough right in it ydi

WTSchool 0

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Wednesday 6 October 2010 2:28

I'm sure you dd finish, OP. (:

msmandy 0

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Thursday 21 April 2011 3:40

not really an FML.... it's just sucks.