Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and... - FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and thought if I spoke French, the Officer would let me off with a warning thinking I was a tourist. Afterwards I turned to my wife and said "I can't believe that worked." He was a few feet away and heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12463

You deserved it

104404

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Creepy

By Anonymous - 23/6/2014 19:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

I agree, your life sucks

54566

You deserved it

6013

Tweet

Share

By mrnikc - 24/3/2020 02:04 - United States

Knowledge is power

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1588

You deserved it

112

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 20:00

Today, after saving up for a beautiful new dress to wear to my partners 30th birthday party, it finally arrived in the post. I try the dress on and instantly the stitching rips and leaves two big holes in it. Turns out I'm no longer a size 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5670

You deserved it

1953

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 02:58 - United States

Today, I was in the Cafeteria at a table near the guy I like. He was playing around with a ball with a couple of his friends. They dropped it, and it rolled over next to my foot. When I bent down to pick it up, I smashed my head against a chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26582

You deserved it

4998

Tweet

Share

By dumb mother - 31/1/2012 02:34 - United States

Today, my mother yelled at me for standing too close to the microwave. Her reason? The radiation was going to seep through, kill my sperm and cause cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24921

You deserved it

5048

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/1/2014 18:25 - Italy - Pistoia

Today, I found out that the generous gift from my boyfriend of a new iPhone was only given so he could use the "find my phone" function to make sure I'm always where I say I am each day. I'm being stalked by my own boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55023

You deserved it

8895

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 17:25 - Belgium

Today, I went to see a movie. While buying tickets, the girl behind the counter asked to show my ID card to proof I'm at least 16 years old. Not wanting to make a drama, I showed it. She took a look at it and declared it as fake. That ID is real and I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58898

You deserved it

3316

Tweet

Share

By Lost5dollars - 8/8/2017 14:00 - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from a number I didn't know. I had called an Uber in my sleep. They charged a cancellation fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4037

You deserved it

1055

Tweet

Share

By nerp - 29/3/2016 19:44 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a stranger had a go at me for smoking while pregnant. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18910

You deserved it

2648

Tweet

Share

By padthaimeanoose - 19/7/2015 03:29 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30747

You deserved it

2430

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/3/2020 05:00

Afterthought

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he never thought we had a future together. He just wanted to move in together so he could get "cheaper rent for a while." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1828

You deserved it

174

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was in the middle of a wank when my home's back door, which is always locked, suddenly opened and someone walked in. I’m not sure who was more surprised: me or the new maintenance guy who saw me wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3204

You deserved it

606

Tweet

Share

By Sod's Law in action - 17/3/2018 01:30

Today, I turned up to my job interview ready for any question, with impeccable references and previous work experience. Then I saw that one of my interviewers was the lady I accidentally hit with my bicycle last week. She still has stitches in her cheek. No job for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3862

You deserved it

1087

Tweet

Share

By Julianapilikusplatosophophes - 11/7/2015 03:49 - Australia - Kew

Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30764

You deserved it

2815

Tweet

Share

By CorpseBride - 7/2/2017 04:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, and my brain went blank and I panicked. I couldn't think of what to say so I suddenly blurted out, "Do whatever you want with my body. Treat it like a corpse!" He laughed his head off and I died a little inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8790

You deserved it

2057

Tweet

Share

By selfishsexysanta - 24/12/2012 18:06 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43246

You deserved it

13763

Tweet

Share

By backtosquareone - 4/10/2009 09:42 - Canada

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45402

You deserved it

3980

Tweet

Share

By Shalamar - 15/12/2009 01:30 - Canada

Today, the new guy at work - who is probably at least ten years older than I am - admired the photo on my desk of myself with my husband and teenage daughters and asked "Are those your grand-children?" I'm in my 40's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27218

You deserved it

2751

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/8/2013 20:19 - Switzerland

Today, my elderly neighbour was having some kind of house party. It was incredibly loud, so I went and asked if he could tone it down a little. He responded by grabbing a deck chair, smacking me with it, then chasing me back to my house, all while his guests cheered him on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46699

You deserved it

7562

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/4/2015 18:43 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30524

You deserved it

2426

Tweet

Share

By JEalmon12 - 23/5/2019 12:00

Today, I was bored at my office, so I started flicking my pencils at my door. My boss walked in right then to give me a raise for my "outstanding" work. She scared me so much when she walked in that I flicked a pencil right at her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

776

You deserved it

1666

Tweet

Share

By ladylarni - 7/4/2013 08:20 - Australia

Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

95802

You deserved it

4828

Tweet

Share

By blegh - 16/1/2009 04:57 - Switzerland

Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27742

You deserved it

6210

Tweet

Share

By acincollege - 21/2/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32390

You deserved it

52818

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/7/2013 14:26 - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57444

You deserved it

18675

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I got a new CD player for my car and an alarm installed for added security. After work, I saw my windows smashed, the CD player gone, the alarm wires cut, and a note that said, "Try again." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38000

You deserved it

2700

Tweet

Share

By Jim - 31/7/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for wrenching pains in my abdomen. It turns out I have the largest "non removable" kidney stone my doctor has ever seen. It's the size of a fucking walnut. I have to pass the thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1986

You deserved it

97

Tweet

Share

By FastFlight - 23/6/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, my daughter used pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48066

You deserved it

5040

Tweet

Share

By professorsdaughter - 19/6/2014 05:28 - United States - Spokane

Today, my boyfriend once again cancelled a date because he has too much homework. His professor is my dad, who's assigning astronomical amounts of homework to keep us from seeing each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61600

You deserved it

4822

Tweet

Share

By crystalwho - 20/1/2009 21:06 - United States

Today, I went downstairs to grab a snack and a glass of Silk (you know, the soymilk). When I get back to my room, I go to throw the snack on my bed to shut the door, but I tossed with the wrong hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13389

You deserved it

24300

Tweet

Share

By MrandMrsRendon20 - 11/11/2010 00:26 - United States

Today, I complained to my boss about how my printer wasn't printing colored ink even though I had just installed a new cartridge yesterday. Upon investigation, she noted that I forgot to take off the protection sticker from the cartridge. Good job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7230

You deserved it

29739

Tweet

Share

By FuckLife - 11/2/2012 13:41 - Australia

Today, my friend's kid chased me with a rusty, sharp tent peg and threatened to kill me. When I finally got him to calm down he ran off to his room. Later, I found the tent peg under his pillow with a note that said my name. My friend thinks it's hilarious. I am staying here for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32327

You deserved it

2469

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 19:55 - United States

Today, it's my soon to be 12 year old daughter's birthday. On my break at work I texted her how much I loved her and happy birthday. She replied with, "K, when will you be home? Mom won't let me open presents until you're here." Good to know I'm loved. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32686

You deserved it

5058

Tweet

Share

By ash203 - 12/12/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, my friend and I got really drunk at the holiday staff party. When I went to work afterwards, everyone gave me the death stare. Apparently, I got so drunk that I flashed my boss' 13 year old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8238

You deserved it

49652

Tweet

Share

By N1ch0la1 - 8/8/2009 09:35 - South Africa

Today, while in the shower, my roomates thought it would be really funny if they threw my cat in with me. The doctor who gave me the stitches also thought so. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51083

You deserved it

2957

Tweet

Share

By Sleepless in Juneau - 26/11/2018 19:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my housemate's cat began meowing at 2:15am. After about 10 minutes of continuous caterwauling, it finally shut up. Almost immediately afterwards, a car with thumping bass music pulled up to idle in the street right outside my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2522

You deserved it

168

Tweet

Share

By Oops - 7/1/2017 20:48 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I accidentally spilled red wine on my cat. She ran away and licked the wine off before I had a chance to clean her. My mother is deeply concerned our cat is dying. I'm trying to tell her to wait 24 hours before taking her to the vet's, simply because I think my cat is hung over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7744

You deserved it

1229

Tweet

Share

By Bece420 - 11/2/2019 12:00 - United States - Zanesville

Today, I decided to try a 7-minute exercise video to start working out and get in shape. I couldn’t make it though the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1788

You deserved it

440

Tweet

Share

By Treats For Days - 19/7/2013 13:54 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was on drive-thru where I work. Our policy is that we can give free treats to dogs that come through. A woman came in and I noticed her dog. Without a thought, I grabbed a treat and asked if her dog wanted one. I looked again. The 'dog' was her daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53006

You deserved it

26483

Tweet

Share

By kbrider - 2/7/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, my husband's rich aunt and uncle came in town and handed us an envelope and said we hope this helps out with the student loans. Inside the envelope was just an article on new student loan procedures and how to get lower payments. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47057

You deserved it

9143

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By neverland_fml | 0

#406482 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:32

Time to state the obvious: should have waited until he was IN his car. YDI, son. :/

By jasnoo | 0

#406490 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:33

ALMOST got away with it, would have been awesome!

COMMENTS

By neverland_fml | 0

#406482 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:32

Time to state the obvious: should have waited until he was IN his car. YDI, son. :/

Reply

Iloveyencheck | 0

#406625 - Saturday 18 July 2009 2:29

agreed, son.

Reply

chocoLIFE_fml | 2

#406919 - Saturday 18 July 2009 5:09

He is so stupid lol...

Reply

KittenOnAcid | 1

#407040 - Saturday 18 July 2009 6:21

something i would totally do on accident.

Reply

ichat21 | 9

#407127 - Saturday 18 July 2009 7:23

Haha me 2
but you (OP) totally deserve that 1. At least make sure he was in his car!

Reply

kellbelle26 | 0

#407426 - Saturday 18 July 2009 10:34

Smoooooth move, dude. Better luck next time.

YDI.

Reply

leiziueyes | 0

#407803 - Saturday 18 July 2009 15:30

Seriously. I got pulled over driving in USA (i'm a foreigner) and did my best to speak loud and clear english. Gave him the excuse that I came from a metric system country and was confused by the imperial units. Didn't work though.

By princesssparkle_fml | 0

#406485 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

xoxospontaneousx_fml | 0

#2381469 - Thursday 21 April 2011 4:20

doesn't it say where you live on your license?

By jasnoo | 0

#406490 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:33

ALMOST got away with it, would have been awesome!

By jess09_fml | 0

#406491 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:34

YDI...you thick or something?

Reply

pudkiller | 0

#965896 - Sunday 21 March 2010 19:42

no one wrote first

:|

By GoldenGirl83 | 0

#406493 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:34

OMG that's such a great idea, but you should have been more careful xD

Reply

squishy01 | 0

#2123506 - Friday 25 February 2011 18:56

I'm gonna learn French JUST to try that!!!

Reply

plum_lovin | 28

#4626999 - Thursday 28 June 2012 20:23

I would.

By ziqi92 | 0

#406499 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:36

patience is a virtue........but u were almost there! XD

By Moemoemoe_fml | 0

#406505 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:38

EPIC YDI.

Please stop, you make us real foreigners risk getting tickets because the cops will start thinking we're locals faking. XD

Reply

bi_chick | 0

#408364 - Saturday 18 July 2009 20:13

it doesn't matter who you are, you shouldn't be speeding anyway

By Silent_Harmony | 3

#406506 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:38

I don't believe this. Wouldn't he have known you weren't when he looked at your driver licence?

Reply

dotVillain | 1

#407013 - Saturday 18 July 2009 6:10

Yeah, or his license plate.

Reply

under_achiver | 0

#407192 - Saturday 18 July 2009 8:17

Just because you have a American license does not, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that you speak a bit of English

Reply

yougetmecloserto | 0

#407483 - Saturday 18 July 2009 11:25

Touche 95.

Reply

ManiMartinixo | 0

#407955 - Saturday 18 July 2009 16:35

But he was pretending to be a tourist, not to speak no English. How many tourists have American licenses.

Reply

fizeau | 0

#409733 - Sunday 19 July 2009 7:09

friend visiting from a different country borrowing a car?

By fosizzlemynizzlE | 0

#406507 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:38

haha...owned
GJ OP!

By Arturo7531 | 3

#406515 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:40

lol like #1 said, you should have waited till he was IN the car... YDI

#10 yay