Transportation: Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and thought if I spoke French, the Officer would let me off with a warning thinking I was a tourist. Afterwards I turned to my wife and said "I can't believe that worked." He was a few feet away and heard. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Bum note

Bad day

By Anonymous - Zimbabwe

Today, I rushed to a dentist's appointment. Once in the chair, I apologized for not having had the time to brush my teeth beforehand. He responded with, "Ah that's alright, I just took a piss and forgot to wash my hands." FML

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By timon_n_pumbaa - Japan - Tokyo

Second time

Today, I found myself locked in a bathroom for the second time in my life. This time at least I was at home. I live alone. I had to break the window on the shower door and crawl out. Now, I need to crawl in/out to shower, brush my teeth and more. FML

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By superpissed - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, I went for a trial shift somewhere perfect for me to work. I knew loads about the place and how they worked. The trial shift went really well. Not even 2 hours after my shift, they rung to tell me I'd lost out to someone who swore at a customer. FML

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By prince232 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after having a second interview with a club I want to work for, the interviewer ignored my work references. Instead, he told me he was going to call the only manager I never got along with, for reference in a job I left 5 years ago, because he knows her personally. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I forgot to take my wallet off the roof of my car and drove away, onto the highway. A man behind me began flashing his lights and waving his arms. I thought he was freaking out because I cut him off. I flipped him off. He was trying to tell me that all my money was flying down the road. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wellsville

Today, I waited on a gentleman and his lady friend at my restaurant. They ordered some of the most expensive items on the menu, and I thought I'd get a nice tip. Instead, he tipped me a scrap of paper, containing a drawing of a cock jizzing on a caricature of my face, and the word "Thanks." FML

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By barman - Australia

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

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By moonstone15 - United States

Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML

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By chanclepants - France

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

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By WTFLY - United States - Hilo

Today, a small fly flew straight up into my nose. I spent 10 minutes trying to blow/scratch/pick it out to no avail. I can still feel it moving. FML

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By the unfortunate man - United States - Salisbury

Today, I was using the urinal when another guy came in. His friends decided to scare him while he was using the urinal next to mine. They jumped out at him, he turned around and ended up peeing all over me. FML

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By apparentnerd - United States

Today, my sister is dressing up as a nerd for Halloween. She's using my clothes for the costume. FML

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By Innocence - United States - Amelia

Today, my husband fell asleep while cuddling. I didn't want to wake him, so I lay there for ages, trying to fall asleep. Just as I finally dozed off, my leg uncontrollably jerked and hit him in the nuts. He's convinced I did it deliberately as revenge for an argument we had 5 days ago. FML

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By CB - New Zealand

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

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By kmjlevesque - 3/6/2020 02:00

Bye bye clothes

Today, I ran out of moving boxes so I used a few garbage bags to pack up my clothes. My new roommate decided to be helpful by putting those green garbage bags in the dumpster. It was garbage day. FML

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By xBubbles38 - United States

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

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By K Holed - United States

Today, my parents told me that they received a letter from a prison. Being curious they opened it up and read the entire thing. It was from this girl I randomly met. Now I have a prison stalker and my parents think I date felons. FML

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By mariology - United States - Newark

Today, I found a credit card at my job. As store policy goes, we have to cut up lost cards immediately after finding them to protect the cardholders. As I grab the scissors and cut, my manager calls out, "Has anyone seen my credit card?" FML

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By willywonks - United States

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized, only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background, "Baby, who's there?" FML

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By danman - United States

Today, I was taking a walk, when an elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair slammed into me from behind. There was plenty of room to pass by, but noooo, trying to run me down like a dog, then giving me the finger and yelling "Watch where you're walking!" is so damn preferable. FML

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By Armstrong - United States - Brownsville

Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML

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By Sandman2015 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

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By Natalie - United States

Today, I was out enjoying my daily jog, when out of nowhere, a group of kids in a passing car pelted me with ketchup-filled water balloons. FML

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By Annomymous - United States - Clarkston

Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to check my email on our family computer. Since my dad's account was already logged on, I chose to use his instead of logging on my own. When opening up a new page and seeing his recently viewed sites, I learned that he loves to watch porn. I also learned he has a foot fetish. FML

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By CityGirl - United States

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

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By Anonymous

Birthday Boy

Today, it's my 16th birthday. It's also it is the day my parents scheduled my wisdom teeth to be pulled out. Happy birthday to me, then. FML

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By Anonymoose - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I came home to a half-shaved dog and a laughing third grader. FML

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By wowsucks - United States

Today, I realized that the only reason my boyfriend has been coming over to hang out at my house for the past two months is because my little brother has an N64. I have become a third wheel to their mario kart dates. FML

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By Mayabie - France

Today, at my job in the cosmetics department, I was helping a customer find something to her taste. She said, "I want a lipstick like you. Something that says, 'I'm a bitch'." FML

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By amy - United States - Wellesley Hills

A cashier's life

Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML

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By troubled - United States

Today, I had an appointment with a psychotherapist. I was feeling very depressed and was telling her how I felt no one cared about me. Her phone rang and she left me mid-sentence to take a call about her new BMW. FML

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By PartyPooper - Netherlands

Today, I attended my graduation ceremony. My parents acted mysteriously and kept urging me to go home, since we had to be "on time" for something. Thinking they might have planned a surprise party, I left my friends behind. I missed my graduation because my mom wanted to watch a TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm so out of shape, I started wheezing on my way to check my mailbox. Not my physical mailbox, either; my email inbox on the phone I'd left on the table at the bottom of the stairs. FML

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By That guy - 15/10/2020 17:01

So you had a bad day…

Today, I woke up early for work and spent 30 minutes frantically looking for my keys. I had to take a 30-minute Uber ride to work, then drove an hour in the company truck, only to be stood up. FML

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By pwib - United States - Napa

Today, a bunch of my friends have been accepted to various colleges while I've been denied to the past 5. To cheer me up, my mom drove me to McDonald's. While we were in the drive-thru, she asked them if they had any job openings. FML

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By Tray

Con Artist Kitty

Today, I had just finished making myself an ice cream cone when my cat puked all over the floor. I set my cone on the counter while I cleaned up, and when I finished, my cat was licking it. FML

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By iworkatofficedepothomes - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, a customer came into our store and asked if we sold "child-sized coffins". This isn't even the weirdest question I've been asked. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 00:31 - India - Bangalore

We feel for you, bruh

Today, I realised that I wasted my teenage life just to be a parent pleaser. I'm in the final months of high school and while everyone is enjoying the last days, I'm sat here being a "good" son, listening to my parents argue, maybe divorcing. I'm in tears and can't go out as I'm not invited to anything anymore. FML

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By Shianna - United States - Holden

Today, my son was fired from his new job, which was going to support us since I recently lost mine. His excuse was, "Conflict of interest." He was a mascot for a fast-food restaurant and refused to dance around. FML

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Top comments

By neverland_fml | 0

#406482 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:32

Time to state the obvious: should have waited until he was IN his car. YDI, son. :/

By jasnoo | 0

#406490 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:33

ALMOST got away with it, would have been awesome!

COMMENTS

By neverland_fml | 0

#406482 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:32

Time to state the obvious: should have waited until he was IN his car. YDI, son. :/

Reply

Iloveyencheck | 0

#406625 - Saturday 18 July 2009 2:29

agreed, son.

Reply

chocoLIFE_fml | 2

#406919 - Saturday 18 July 2009 5:09

He is so stupid lol...

Reply

KittenOnAcid | 1

#407040 - Saturday 18 July 2009 6:21

something i would totally do on accident.

Reply

ichat21 | 9

#407127 - Saturday 18 July 2009 7:23

Haha me 2
but you (OP) totally deserve that 1. At least make sure he was in his car!

Reply

kellbelle26 | 0

#407426 - Saturday 18 July 2009 10:34

Smoooooth move, dude. Better luck next time.

YDI.

Reply

leiziueyes | 0

#407803 - Saturday 18 July 2009 15:30

Seriously. I got pulled over driving in USA (i'm a foreigner) and did my best to speak loud and clear english. Gave him the excuse that I came from a metric system country and was confused by the imperial units. Didn't work though.

By princesssparkle_fml | 0

#406485 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:32

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

xoxospontaneousx_fml | 0

#2381469 - Thursday 21 April 2011 4:20

doesn't it say where you live on your license?

By jasnoo | 0

#406490 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:33

ALMOST got away with it, would have been awesome!

By jess09_fml | 0

#406491 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:34

YDI...you thick or something?

Reply

pudkiller | 0

#965896 - Sunday 21 March 2010 19:42

no one wrote first

:|

By GoldenGirl83 | 0

#406493 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:34

OMG that's such a great idea, but you should have been more careful xD

Reply

squishy01 | 0

#2123506 - Friday 25 February 2011 18:56

I'm gonna learn French JUST to try that!!!

Reply

plum_lovin | 28

#4626999 - Thursday 28 June 2012 20:23

I would.

By ziqi92 | 0

#406499 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:36

patience is a virtue........but u were almost there! XD

By Moemoemoe_fml | 0

#406505 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:38

EPIC YDI.

Please stop, you make us real foreigners risk getting tickets because the cops will start thinking we're locals faking. XD

Reply

bi_chick | 0

#408364 - Saturday 18 July 2009 20:13

it doesn't matter who you are, you shouldn't be speeding anyway

By Silent_Harmony | 3

#406506 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:38

I don't believe this. Wouldn't he have known you weren't when he looked at your driver licence?

Reply

dotVillain | 1

#407013 - Saturday 18 July 2009 6:10

Yeah, or his license plate.

Reply

under_achiver | 0

#407192 - Saturday 18 July 2009 8:17

Just because you have a American license does not, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that you speak a bit of English

Reply

yougetmecloserto | 0

#407483 - Saturday 18 July 2009 11:25

Touche 95.

Reply

ManiMartinixo | 0

#407955 - Saturday 18 July 2009 16:35

But he was pretending to be a tourist, not to speak no English. How many tourists have American licenses.

Reply

fizeau | 0

#409733 - Sunday 19 July 2009 7:09

friend visiting from a different country borrowing a car?

By fosizzlemynizzlE | 0

#406507 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:38

haha...owned
GJ OP!

By Arturo7531 | 3

#406515 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:40

lol like #1 said, you should have waited till he was IN the car... YDI

#10 yay