Transportation: Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and thought if I spoke French, the Officer would let me off with a warning thinking I was a tourist. Afterwards I turned to my wife and said "I can't believe that worked." He was a few feet away and heard. FML

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Serious times

Messed up

Awkward

By None - United States

Today, I auditioned for the musical at my school. Before I sang my song, I gave my music to the director. She said "Oh, I love this song!". After I sang it, she told me, "Its okay, I still like the song." FML

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By shadow - United States - Osceola

Today, my mother-in-law told my fiancé that I had to leave and wasn’t allowed to live there anymore. I own the house. She’s mad because I locked the door so she couldn't walk in anytime she wanted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. FML

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By Dave - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Tallahassee

Christmas Racket

Today, my 5 kids were singing their favorite Christmas carols in the van, each trying to sing louder than the others. It would have probably sounded better if they were all singing the same one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 01:01 - United States - Atoka

Leave spiders alone

Today, I took a stick lighter and used it to set a large spider on fire to kill it, as stepping on it could possibly release its babies if it were a momma. I ignited more than the spider, and had to call the fire department. FML

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By dieders - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I thought she wasn't being serious when she said her mum wanted me to pay to stay the night at her house for the first time. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

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By ReayHorse

Today, I ran into an old couple everyone has been avoiding in my small town. Four weeks ago, they accidentally posted a picture of their pierced junk on Facebook, and I was one of the unlucky people who saw the actual picture. I can't make eye contact with them anymore. FML

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By facepalm - United States

Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML

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By WeightAMinute - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

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By missblue97 - United States

Today, my dad asked my step-mom if he could get some booty before bed because he still had energy. He didn't realize I was still in the room. FML

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By dumb dancer - United States - Saginaw

Today, I injured my knee during dance class. When it started to feel a little bit better, I tried dancing again. I tripped, fell, and broke my wrist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams. I could tell she really enjoyed it, because she muttered "Well, that was disappointing." afterwards, then got dressed, said she'd made a huge mistake, and asked me not to call her again. Yep, total stud. FML

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By burn - United States

Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on Dr. Phil…

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2020 08:01 - United States - San Luis Obispo

FML's OnlyFans

Today, I signed up for my ex’s OnlyFans. She never sent me nudes when we were dating, now she’s selling them to everyone she knows. FML

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By where do they come from - United States - Bellingham

Today, I had to explain what "cashback" was to a customer. She called me a liar and wanted to talk to a manager because she felt I made up the concept. I'm the manager. She wouldn't believe me and waited in the store for an hour. Apparently this is what a Masters degree gets me. FML

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By rybread - United States

Today, I was on a crowded el train listening to my iPod touch. As I stepped off the train, my headphones got caught on a man's jacket and my iPod fell on the floor. The doors shut. I then watched the train pull away. With my iPod on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

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By oopsie - Canada

Today, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a man with a speech impediment, and I began imitating him. He was the manager of a store I applied at. He wanted to arrange an interview. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML

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By FastFlight - United States

Today, my daughter used pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I found out how painful it is when your ceiling fan falls on you. FML

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By AlwaysGottaFML - United States

Today, I found out that instead of being stationed in Afghanistan, my husband of 9 years has been "stationed" at his other girlfriend's house. FML

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By KitCatAttack - 11/10/2020 10:06

Hit and miss

Today, I told my close friend that I have a thing for him. His reaction? "Oh, fuck." FML

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By Pithegreat - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, I went to move a load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, but the clothes were already in the dryer. Normally, I would be happy about this. However, I am currently living alone. FML

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By alone

Today, I found out that my fiancé has been talking to another girl behind my back about how much he hates being with me. Turns out he’s been talking to her everyday for 3 months, and she kept pushing him to leave me, but he was only staying because I cook for him. FML

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By Theo - United States

Today, I came home to find my room completely torn apart. My mom and dad start yelling at me asking me why I am doing drugs because she found a tiny baggie on the floor. It was the little bag that spare buttons come in when you buy a dress shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 16:58

Thanks, government

Today, I'm at North Fort Hood deploying with the Army Reserves, where the motto is, "You'll prefer to be in Iraq." We're in COVID quarantine with over 100 people in our barracks. We may never get out of here. FML

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By jobless - United States

Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML

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By meh - Canada

Today, my teacher, who's Irish, called me insensitive and stupid for imitating her accent. I'm Filipino and my parents immigrated to Ireland where I was born, and then we moved to Canada when I was 14. Her response to my explanation? "Bullshit." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Fair enough

Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said, "I was thinking McDonald's." FML

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By I'll Make You FartCum - United States - San Francisco

Great handle!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

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By brit - United States

Today, the student council gave us our senior class t-shirts. Our theme this year is "Striving for Excellence." Excellence was misspelled. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fed my cats their usual dinner of canned cat food. Without thinking, I put the spoon I had used for their food into my mouth so I could use both hands to rinse the can before recycling it. FML

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By nerd - Singapore

Today, I was on cloud nine when the beautiful waitress I frequently ordered takeaways from told me she didn't need to take my name as she remembers me from before. When I got my food I saw the sales slip. On it she had written, "Cheeseburger - Fries - Coke - nerdy guy with bad haircut." FML

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By tumblrinas_at_work - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML

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Top comments

By neverland_fml | 0

#406482 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:32

Time to state the obvious: should have waited until he was IN his car. YDI, son. :/

By jasnoo | 0

#406490 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:33

ALMOST got away with it, would have been awesome!

COMMENTS

By neverland_fml | 0

#406482 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:32

Time to state the obvious: should have waited until he was IN his car. YDI, son. :/

Reply

Iloveyencheck | 0

#406625 - Saturday 18 July 2009 2:29

agreed, son.

Reply

chocoLIFE_fml | 2

#406919 - Saturday 18 July 2009 5:09

He is so stupid lol...

Reply

KittenOnAcid | 1

#407040 - Saturday 18 July 2009 6:21

something i would totally do on accident.

Reply

ichat21 | 9

#407127 - Saturday 18 July 2009 7:23

Haha me 2
but you (OP) totally deserve that 1. At least make sure he was in his car!

Reply

kellbelle26 | 0

#407426 - Saturday 18 July 2009 10:34

Smoooooth move, dude. Better luck next time.

YDI.

Reply

leiziueyes | 0

#407803 - Saturday 18 July 2009 15:30

Seriously. I got pulled over driving in USA (i'm a foreigner) and did my best to speak loud and clear english. Gave him the excuse that I came from a metric system country and was confused by the imperial units. Didn't work though.

By princesssparkle_fml | 0

#406485 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

xoxospontaneousx_fml | 0

#2381469 - Thursday 21 April 2011 4:20

doesn't it say where you live on your license?

By jasnoo | 0

#406490 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:33

ALMOST got away with it, would have been awesome!

By jess09_fml | 0

#406491 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:34

YDI...you thick or something?

Reply

pudkiller | 0

#965896 - Sunday 21 March 2010 19:42

no one wrote first

:|

By GoldenGirl83 | 0

#406493 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:34

OMG that's such a great idea, but you should have been more careful xD

Reply

squishy01 | 0

#2123506 - Friday 25 February 2011 18:56

I'm gonna learn French JUST to try that!!!

Reply

plum_lovin | 28

#4626999 - Thursday 28 June 2012 20:23

I would.

By ziqi92 | 0

#406499 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:36

patience is a virtue........but u were almost there! XD

By Moemoemoe_fml | 0

#406505 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:38

EPIC YDI.

Please stop, you make us real foreigners risk getting tickets because the cops will start thinking we're locals faking. XD

Reply

bi_chick | 0

#408364 - Saturday 18 July 2009 20:13

it doesn't matter who you are, you shouldn't be speeding anyway

By Silent_Harmony | 3

#406506 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:38

I don't believe this. Wouldn't he have known you weren't when he looked at your driver licence?

Reply

dotVillain | 1

#407013 - Saturday 18 July 2009 6:10

Yeah, or his license plate.

Reply

under_achiver | 0

#407192 - Saturday 18 July 2009 8:17

Just because you have a American license does not, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that you speak a bit of English

Reply

yougetmecloserto | 0

#407483 - Saturday 18 July 2009 11:25

Touche 95.

Reply

ManiMartinixo | 0

#407955 - Saturday 18 July 2009 16:35

But he was pretending to be a tourist, not to speak no English. How many tourists have American licenses.

Reply

fizeau | 0

#409733 - Sunday 19 July 2009 7:09

friend visiting from a different country borrowing a car?

By fosizzlemynizzlE | 0

#406507 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:38

haha...owned
GJ OP!

By Arturo7531 | 3

#406515 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:40

lol like #1 said, you should have waited till he was IN the car... YDI

#10 yay