Transportation: Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 17

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 480

You deserved it 127

16/12/2012 07:27

Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due to an officer's suspicion that I was driving under the influence. I was completely sober, and, apparently, I suck at driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 907

You deserved it 11 862

Dysfunctional

Sorry…

Walk the line

Envy

By Anonymous - 26/08/2010 08:15

Spicy

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 168

You deserved it 13 065

15/06/2011 10:20

Today, I went to a concert with my boyfriend. I was repeatedly ass-grabbed, grinded on and hit on by guys. My boyfriend's response was, "As long as they continue to bring you free beer, let them get a little feel of what they are paying for." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 351

You deserved it 8 768

10/03/2009 18:52

Spicy

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 345

You deserved it 92 057

Compensating

By Jpev - 12/05/2016 01:09

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 057

You deserved it 4 304

31/03/2013 20:34

Today, what started as a fun family Easter egg hunt turned within minutes into my mother-in-law's big chance to be a dramatic cow by screaming at my 5 and 7-year-old daughters for participating in a "vile pagan ritual" and saying that we're all going to hell. They're still bawling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 796

You deserved it 2 629

15/06/2009 23:18

Spicy

Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 906

You deserved it 50 764

17/07/2019 02:00

Spicy

Today, I found out how messed up I am when a guy held a knife to my throat and it turned me on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 932

You deserved it 417

21/10/2011 14:55

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't go to work, she's actually been seeing another guy purely for sex, and each time he gives her money to "support her unemployment." Pretty sure that means I'm dating a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 211

You deserved it 4 366

14/09/2017 04:30

Today, I finally measured myself to find a properly fitted bra. I'm AAA, a size which doesn't technically exist. Goodbye self esteem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 501

You deserved it 328

Good Meowrning!

By piliseep - 01/12/2017 09:00

Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 544

You deserved it 529

08/10/2014 03:15

Today, my co-worker spent the afternoon taking online personality quizzes and messaging everyone the results. She was particularly proud of one which told her she was a hard-working overachiever. My boss walked by just as the message for that one popped up and I got in trouble for slacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 350

You deserved it 2 910

The truth will out

By Anonymous - 10/06/2021 02:01

Today, after lying to my kid so she doesn’t learn how little her dad cares about her, my current husband, who didn’t know I was doing this, told her everything, such as how the last two times her dad flaked on picking her up was because he was in Vegas gambling, or in jail for hiring hookers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 476

01/08/2009 21:37

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 924

You deserved it 23 258

23/06/2015 04:15

Today, I got a call from my cable company in regards to a bill I didn't pay. I paid the bill two weeks ago in full, but they never told me the account changed when my name was put on the account. So now I owe $170 more, and my ex-roommate is getting a $140 refund in the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 413

You deserved it 2 314

06/07/2009 19:33

Spicy

Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia who is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 658

You deserved it 22 145

Baseless accusation

By 00sasori - 27/03/2013 05:41

Today, I was on a bumpy bus ride and had to write a note, so I held my notebook against the bus window to steady my hand. An elderly woman then yelled at me, accusing me of drawing graffiti on the window. The bus driver kicked me off and I had to wait an hour in the rain for the next bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 160

You deserved it 2 992

05/02/2009 15:14

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 514

You deserved it 3 247

24/07/2009 05:01

Today, I learned that when your gas nozzle does not automatically stop by itself the way its supposed to, they will continue to charge your credit card as the gas overflows out of your tank until someone notices and yells "turn the gas off". FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 302

You deserved it 52 179

09/04/2016 04:31

Today, after staying up late all week to get work done, I arrived at my job having accomplished all my goals. In my sleep-deprived stupor, I completely forgot to bring the briefcase that had all of the evidence of that hard work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 360

You deserved it 2 651

14/01/2010 22:35

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing "we're through fat slob" on my forehead whilst I was asleep in permanent marker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 632

You deserved it 5 032

15/09/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my sister has been "borrowing" my adult toys and putting them back without washing them well enough. How did I find out? I came back positive for an STI. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 161

You deserved it 254

23/06/2011 22:30

Today, I was babysitting my cousin when I realized my aunt didn't tell me where the diapers were. I searched the entire house, but I had no luck. Then my cousin ripped off the diaper she was wearing and peed on the kitchen floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 275

You deserved it 4 230

04/05/2009 21:50

Today, I went downtown to pay my speeding ticket. After standing in line and arguing with a rude woman behind the desk, I get back to my car only to find an expired meter and a parking ticket. I got a ticket while paying my ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 992

You deserved it 17 802

03/01/2012 01:10

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great: we graduated high school together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 733

You deserved it 3 630

Size isn't everything!

By Franklin - 18/12/2017 19:00

Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 311

You deserved it 7 761

04/02/2014 01:30

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 220

You deserved it 4 447

28/02/2012 15:51

Today, the only thing that cheered me up was a documentary about IKEA, and seeing how my furniture was made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 897

You deserved it 4 337

My Bucket

By pyook - 06/09/2018 23:30

Today, my college class has a strict rule that ANY absence, even if it's because you're sick and have a doctor's note, will drop your grade a letter grade. I have a chronic illness. Today is the second time in the first two weeks that I've had to show up to class with a bucket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 453

You deserved it 183

07/05/2010 08:30

Spicy

Today, I'm having a nice evening out on the town. After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. It was an inflatable... erm... 'friend.' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. And several members of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 793

You deserved it 4 911

26/04/2014 19:55

Today, I was taking the bus to work, when a man sat down beside me. The guy was nuttier than Ron Jeremy's ballsack, and had a face like a shovel and the worst meth mouth I've ever seen. I had to sit there for ages while he frantically muttered to himself and picked at my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 344

You deserved it 5 386

04/11/2012 09:55

Spicy

Today, my hubby and I decided to spice up our sex life and went to an adult toy store. We know too many people in our town, so we drove to one that was 30 mins away. We decided on our items, and went to the check out. Who would have guessed my next door neighbor works there as a cashier? FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 577

You deserved it 5 417

15/11/2010 21:50

Today, while driving home, I was so lonely I turned on my GPS, even though I knew the way, so it would feel like I had someone to talk to. It made me feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 620

You deserved it 6 781

29/06/2010 18:07

Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 406

You deserved it 4 548

Dash and dine

By Anonymous - 06/09/2020 16:01

Today, I was on a dinner date. Went really well. She said she was excited to have date number two. It came to paying. I went up to pay. Turned around. She had gone. Number blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 538

You deserved it 104

05/10/2011 16:08

Today, my friends learned that if you play "connect the dots" with the pimples on my back the resulting picture is a large penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 322

You deserved it 5 355

Laundry drama

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 05:08

Today, I did laundry with one of my new white sweaters and other light-colored clothes. After it all went through the dryer, I found out there are now dark shades on it and it looks like a years-old old sweater, and can't be cleaned. I didn't even get a chance to put it on once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423

You deserved it 672

12/03/2012 13:11

Spicy

Today, I was shopping for tampons when a cute guy came over and gave me his number. He said, "Call me in 3 to 5 days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 192

You deserved it 6 116

04/11/2010 15:04

Today, my girlfriend of two years dumped me, because I'd changed too much for her to bear, and I was breaking her heart. How did I change? I got braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 763

You deserved it 3 302

23/09/2014 18:30

Today, I had to inform my roommate that dry shampoo, deodorant, and perfume are not the same as a shower. It's been two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 874

You deserved it 2 928

03/10/2017 20:00

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 690

You deserved it 345

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Top comments

saIty 17

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:19

Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God.

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:07

Take driving lessons

Comments

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:04

This is not an fml

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:06

Well, it's up here isn't it?

Lucia_Malpense 14

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:06

I really want to know what she said now.

CCSA 12

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:41

62 - I second that.

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Monday 17 December 2012 2:41

I just said it wasn't really an fml.. Haha I just thought it was lame. My bad I guess.

Lucia_Malpense 14

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Monday 17 December 2012 3:15

Well, apparently if you comment about wanting to see what a moderated comment says, your comment gets deleted. Anyone else think that the FML staff are secretly evil overlords, who want us to think that there's nothing wrong when in reality there's everything wrong?

SWhimsynBubbaS 14

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:05

Do like they did in Bridesmaids!

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:23

I don't think it's ever good advice to tell someone to follow something that they did in that movie...

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:28

Someone actually watched that movie?...

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:32

Never heard of it.

buck33 14

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:35

I liked what they did in Tommy Boy.

GirlYouNasty 11

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Sunday 16 December 2012 18:38

33- BEES! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! YOUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS AGAINST THEM!

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:39

Tommy boy is a fking awesome movie. Just sayin.

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:06

Suck it up.

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:16

Exactly. There are people who have bigger problems than simply "bad driving." Besides, practice makes perfect.

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:07

Take driving lessons

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Sunday 16 December 2012 17:43

I have a feeling it's an asian woman.... Nothing will help :p

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:59

Yeah, I don't feel safe on the road with people who drive like they are drunk. OP needs some lessons.

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:07

Could have been worse.. You could have been clumsy to where you failed the test...

TheZee 12

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:16

Maybe it's just me, but I personally would rather fail the driving test and practice more... Rather than passing the test, get my confidence built up, then get pulled over only to be told I drive like someone drunk O.o

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:20

I meant the field sobriety test.. The whole walking the line and chiz..

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:25

Well nowadays there's the breathalyzer, and that's pretty damn hard to fail while sober.

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:33

Still works here and I doubt that it's impossible to fail while sober..

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Sunday 16 December 2012 18:23

There's a few ways you can fail sober, for example alcohol based mouthwash. Another common example is somebody drinking one beer, which would normally be the legal limit, and then breathalyzing quickly after drinking said beer. Especially because limits are getting so low.

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:07

At least you didn't get a ticket?

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:34

Maybe they got a ticket for reckless driving.

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Sunday 16 December 2012 17:11

that's why i put the question mark

ma12r 22

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:07

I feel your pain OP me too it's k we can take cabs together!

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Sunday 16 December 2012 17:02

Noor, #8 was completely sober, apparently he sucks at typing ...

ma12r 22

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Monday 17 December 2012 3:55

hey now I was only slightly hungover.

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:07

I can't be the only one wishing he made his name Spongebob, can I?

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:12

Damn it. Now that you said it, I'm thinking it to.. D:

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Sunday 16 December 2012 22:03

14- I'm not usually that asshole grammar nazi, but seriously, adding an extra "o" to "to" is not that hard. Thanks.

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:08

Look at the bright side OP! You aren't in trouble for drunk driving.

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Sunday 16 December 2012 16:08

I hope you wear your seatbelt then!