Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time.... - FML

By Laviolette - 23/2/2012 22:01 - France

Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML

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Buzzing the tower

Recycling helps

TMI

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

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By "Noelle Diane Irwin" - 21/2/2019 16:00

Today, I just found out that my sister slept with the guy that I have had a crush on for years and that she may or may not be pregnant with his child. FML

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By liver - 19/3/2012 00:51 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, since I'm too broke to get a new one, I had to duct tape my bra. FML

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By Username - 8/10/2010 21:30 - France

Today, I learned the hard way that leaving eye drops in your car all day makes them scorching hot. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2014 20:24 - United States - Chandler

Today, I hooked up with a girl at a club, and we had sex. She just lay there like a corpse the whole time. It got so bad, I ended up faking an orgasm and blaming the lack of semen on a botched vasectomy. She actually believed it. What the hell? FML

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By purpledp12 - 11/2/2010 09:12 - United States

Today, I was eating in the food court at the mall by myself but then a cute guy from my school offers to sit by me, I say yes of course, he then asks me for a french fry. Later on I realize he has eaten half my meal. He only wanted to sit by me for my food. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 12:00

Today, I have a gigantic zit inside my left nostril. Good news: no one can see it and no need for makeup on it. Bad news: my nose really itches, and I constantly feel like I'm about to sneeze it out like a foreign object. FML

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By Weasel123 - 26/10/2012 07:58 - United States - Anadarko

Today, my roommate decided to go vegan after watching a PETA video. She began this new-found lifestyle by throwing out all of the non-vegan items in the house, including some prime rib we had recently purchased, all of our ice cream, and my chocolate stash. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 23:29 - United States

Today, I discovered that the wintergreen breath mints I've been taking for a week now, are actually circular, flavored, white and green laxatives. FML

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By Sudoc - 3/12/2017 05:00

Working too hard!

Today, after spending 6 hours straight working on a project at school, I decided to call it a night. The instant I set foot out of the lab, the building started screaming. The maintenance guy had set the alarm without telling me. The police had to let me out. FML

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By frenchy - 24/3/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get shit up and down two of the store aisles, then go to the ladies room and mess up the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with bio-hazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 08:00

Rules are rules

Today, as I was leaving a night shift at McDonald’s, a woman wanted to use the toilets. I explained our doors didn’t open until 7 a.m. now due to COVID-19. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and as I went to walk off, I got a swift knee in the nuts for my troubles. FML

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By Stupid Pregnancy Brain - 18/11/2016 13:45

Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML

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By Friendly - 1/3/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I was questioned about a request for a restraining order filed against me by an old woman. According to the report, she's seen me "walking near her house and waving at her" for the last two months. I've been her next-door neighbor for a year and a half. FML

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By coldasfire - 29/3/2015 21:18 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend keeps my toenails in her deceased grandmother's prized music box. She says it's to, "Keep the box natural." I don't understand why she does this, or what she means by "natural." FML

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By anon - 20/11/2015 00:53 - New Zealand

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

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By meggiemouse - 9/7/2011 18:00 - United States

Today, marks the seventh day of having my nose pierced. I'd done everything I was supposed to do, even sleeping with a band-aid over it. This morning, I woke up to my piercing being ripped out by my pillow, and the band-aid nowhere in sight. FML

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By lifedownthegutter - 18/5/2016 18:21 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, the lawn I've been devoting all my efforts to saving from a nasty grub infestation isn't going to make it, but apparently the grass I noticed growing in my gutters is doing just fine. FML.

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By worksux - 5/1/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML

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By Matchtopia - 18/1/2012 00:21 - United States

Today, I was addressed by name by the liquor store clerk. I've never told him my name. He's just seen my ID many times. FML

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By In urgent need of a new roommate - 26/3/2014 23:44 - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

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By gali-ma - 7/2/2015 12:52 - Australia

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook of me at a club with some friends. The first comment it got was "Just got a stiffy. 10/10." Thanks for that, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 09:04 - Australia

Today, I was walking home down a small street while listening to my iPod. I really got into the music, and started to dance really badly, only to realise there was a car following me, trying to get past. FML

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By Helpless - 16/12/2018 14:00

Today I had to tell my girlfriend that we can't keep taking care of her drug addicted dad because it is ruining out lives. We have a 90 day notice to move and I said I won't move to a new place if she is going to have him live there. Guess who is looking for a new roommate. FML

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By syco - 28/12/2010 17:17 - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I like was panicking because her car broke down, so I offered her a lift to wherever she needed to be. I drove her to her boyfriend's house. She asked me to drive her home in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I was woken up early in the morning by the sound of my mother frantically crying out for help. Apparently she had tried, unsuccessfully, to "end the suffering" of an injured squirrel by drowning it in the toilet. How? By placing it into the bowl and smothering it with clothes. My clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 07:33 - United States - Alpine

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2011 08:38 - United States

Today, I worked 4 hours for a huge mail call to get all the troops their Christmas mail. And just like every other mail call I did not receive one package or letter. FML

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By TOOshort - 23/4/2019 16:00

Today, several of my apartment complex neighbors walked right by me as I struggled to clean the inches thick, icy snow off of my SUV. I’m 4’11. Not one person offered to assist me, even after I slipped and fell several times. FML

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By pimpdaddyX - 22/9/2012 16:22 - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, trying to be smooth, I slipped the girl I like a piece of paper with my phone number written on it. A while later, she slipped it back to me and left the room. FML

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By SpanishInFrenchClass - 6/12/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, I had a presentation in French class. I was so nervous, the first thing I said when I got up there was, "Hola." FML

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By WTF - 22/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, my son and I were on an airplane playing "I Spy" to pass the time. The game went back and forth a few times when my son said, "I spy something yellow." After pointing out numerous yellow objects on the plane I gave up. He said, "Daddy! It's your teeth!" FML

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By bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

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By NightzGremlin - 12/9/2020 14:01

No sleep for the wicked

Today, I came home from work to find construction workers repaving my street. I work the graveyard shift. FML

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By hairynips - 10/10/2012 19:07 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend and tell him that the red bumps around my nipples was heat rash, rather than admit it was actually razor burn. FML

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By me - 7/3/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I apologized to my boyfriend for thinking he was cheating on me right before another girl posted pictures of them together on her myspace. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2016 05:55

Today, I had to drive down to my parents' house. On they way down, I needed to fill up on gas but unfortunately I'd forgotten my wallet at home with all of my cash and credit cards. I then had to call triple A and explain to them in all seriousness how I ran out of gas at the gas station. FML

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By S. Michaels - 14/3/2012 15:17 - United States

Today, I was chatting to a nice girl at the mall, and I said if she didn't get a raise, I would write to the management. She said they have no email address, and I replied that I meant an actual letter. "Like, on paper?" she said, "Damn, how old are ya, pops?" I want a ticket off this planet. FML

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By bobra - 21/10/2019 12:00

Helter Skelter

Today, I decided to face my fears and go on my first upside-down ride. Unfortunately for me, the two men in front of me had chosen to eat before the ride and I walked off with bits of strawberry and bacon in my hair, my clothes drenched in whitish fluid, not to mention the stench. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met some nice girls. One of them was really sweet and we were having a great time in my friend's backyard. As I was on the swing, I was gonna give her my number, but instead, I gave her a harsh kick to the face. FML

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Top comments

By bella_coza | 0

#4079784 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:16

Can I just say how unsanitary that really is? Ew.

By kelissa_fml | 16

#4079782 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:16

Dip it in sauce and call it a meatball?

COMMENTS

By kelissa_fml | 16

#4079782 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:16

Dip it in sauce and call it a meatball?

Reply

102Percent | 5

#4079827 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:21

How do you not notice that you put a sponge im there?

Reply

diceplaya | 12

#4079869 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:26

Hmm, cooking for the in-laws and the pasta "accidently" slipped.
Not suspicious at all.

Reply

taco_bender | 12

#4080003 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:46

Cant wait to see what op post next time. Accidently put rat poison in the turkey stuffing

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4080087 - Friday 24 February 2012 2:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#4080231 - Friday 24 February 2012 2:47

Well it was either find the sponge or everyone wondering how they all got sick with the same horrible illnesses and parasites.

Reply

gojira666 | 7

#4080261 - Friday 24 February 2012 2:55

Elaine Benis would have appreciated it!

Reply

Moneylover103 | 1

#4080300 - Friday 24 February 2012 3:05

41 that was really funny good one

Reply

GovernorGeneral | 8

#4080499 - Friday 24 February 2012 4:07

45- i believe Spongebob Squarepants lives in a pinapple under the sea....

Reply

RrLSf19 | 0

#4080595 - Friday 24 February 2012 4:36

Wow OP, your life should be a sitcom

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#4080651 - Friday 24 February 2012 5:15

Aw shit homies, the sponge is here to collect his dues, take cover! It looks like he brought half of the French mafia with him this time! And the meal was just getting good. :(

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#4080716 - Friday 24 February 2012 5:58

90- I believe Spongebob lives

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#4080717 - Friday 24 February 2012 6:00

In a *pineapple under the sea... ^_^

Reply

mauguster | 15

#4080852 - Friday 24 February 2012 7:54

Anyone notice none of these comments above have anything to do with the post they're replying to? No? Just me then..

Reply

nightowl713 | 25

#4080854 - Friday 24 February 2012 7:55

O this has nothing to do with anything on this post but, how does the moderation process work, yes to send through and no to keep it from posting, or yes to keep it from posting and no to let it through?

Reply

GovernorGeneral | 8

#4084217 - Saturday 25 February 2012 4:02

I apologize 120 that was a typo. Thank you for correcting me.

Reply

illabye | 0

#4084259 - Saturday 25 February 2012 4:09

OP theres something called Carry Out

By bella_coza | 0

#4079784 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:16

Can I just say how unsanitary that really is? Ew.

Reply

Llamacod | 11

#4079898 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:29

Yes, tell us how unsanitary it is.

Reply

crazychick1269 | 7

#4080057 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:58

Sponges are used to clean things therefor the pasta is now clean

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4080152 - Friday 24 February 2012 2:22

^I like this guy's logic. From now on, I'll be adding sponge as my extra ingredient to clean my food.

Reply

Nikkisha16 | 0

#4080418 - Friday 24 February 2012 3:36

I'd like his comment too, if it was actually factual and not just a joke. xD

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#4080522 - Friday 24 February 2012 4:11

So you don't like jokes, 81, just facts? I bet you're the life of the party.

Reply

vturbz91 | 0

#4080689 - Friday 24 February 2012 5:38

Who put that in there?

Reply

sweettpie129 | 11

#4080817 - Friday 24 February 2012 7:16

That's also why spongebob is always clean...

Reply

Jakesterk96 | 8

#4081556 - Friday 24 February 2012 14:13

Seems legit.

Reply

Icejza_DaChilla | 7

#4083343 - Friday 24 February 2012 23:22

Nice bangs btw #2! Rawr

Reply

alvarny | 17

#4084756 - Saturday 25 February 2012 6:28

She should have just admitted to her mistake instead of putting everybody's lives in danger.

By malfoyfreak | 3

#4079789 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:17

Yum.....but that is sorta your fault..sorry op, but you should have checked whether anything came with it

Reply

IAdminIFlow | 0

#4080754 - Friday 24 February 2012 6:27

yeah, but hey looks like sponge cake isnt the only spongy food anymore ;)

Reply

wilsontws | 18

#4082689 - Friday 24 February 2012 19:31

Well OP, did you... Come "clean" about it in the end?

Reply

xcarxcrashx | 9

#4084451 - Saturday 25 February 2012 5:12

Or at least rinse it! Then you would've seen the sponge! Ick!!

By GenaALazer | 22

#4079794 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:18

ydi

Reply

Justin23L | 2

#4079823 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:20

There's a button for that.

Reply

Redneck_Mouse | 1

#4079860 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:25

^ haha win

Reply

Llamacod | 11

#4079909 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:31

There is a button for stupidity?

Reply

cosmosis | 12

#4080193 - Friday 24 February 2012 2:33

No. There is no button for stupidity. Sadly there doesnt appear to be a cure for stupidity. Its a rapid spreading disease!

Reply

sammyscrazza | 6

#4080567 - Friday 24 February 2012 4:23

What does ydi mean

Reply

goodfella925 | 0

#4080591 - Friday 24 February 2012 4:32

"You. Deserve. It "

Reply

DrDilllonReese | 12

#4080621 - Friday 24 February 2012 4:52

56- you mean rapidly.

Reply

Justforlolz | 14

#4080666 - Friday 24 February 2012 5:21

Yodeling dirty immigrants

Reply

IAdminIFlow | 0

#4080761 - Friday 24 February 2012 6:31

grammar nazi get a life correcting people on grammar that other people still understand isnt funny. it proves that you have a 1 inch dick.

Reply

Internut | 6

#4083317 - Friday 24 February 2012 23:07

94 - Yoda's Disney Island

By Crlnprz | 11

#4079810 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:19

hahaha ... "what is this?..." "oh its a uh.. piece of uh..uh..."

Reply

AnagenisisZagus | 13

#4080049 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:55

Get back to us when you find out what it is.

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4080382 - Friday 24 February 2012 3:23

"It's a rare species of vegetable! It's really healthy for you! Oh yeah mom, it's supposed to have that spongy texture. That means it's working! Go on, have another piece!"

By Redneck_Mouse | 1

#4079818 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:20

At least you get the flavoring of everything you have cleaned with that sponge...

Reply

Mama_Umbridge | 8

#4080022 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:49

Nothing like grimy grease to impress the in-laws

Reply

wolfshadow | 4

#4082024 - Friday 24 February 2012 16:45

I often spit in my sink when I have no other choice. I'm sure that would be delicious :)

Reply

akg98 | 13

#4637003 - Sunday 1 July 2012 5:24

*Gasp!* STARKID FAN!!!!

By AJRand | 14

#4079820 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:20

That's one way to cleanse your innards.

By Pelreskovich | 11

#4079825 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:21

Smooth.. How did you not notice an entire sponge!?

Reply

Elizabeth198 | 1

#4079983 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:43

Maybe it was a really small one.....? :)

Reply

MwahFMLS | 6

#4080331 - Friday 24 February 2012 3:14

Or a lot of pasta and the sponge was buried in there?

Reply

GovernorGeneral | 8

#4080519 - Friday 24 February 2012 4:11

Its all a part of her evil genius plan to take down the reign of the in-laws.

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4080661 - Friday 24 February 2012 5:19

10- Every time you comment, I stare at your picture trying to figure out how you made that face. Haha.

Reply

iloveqts | 8

#4080680 - Friday 24 February 2012 5:31

You are a beautiful man! Sorry for the weirdness, just had to share my thoughts :)

Reply

downtime | 12

#4080759 - Friday 24 February 2012 6:30

111, He contracted his facial muscles, and rotated his head slightly. For more answers to complex questions like this, you should consult with anyone over the age of 10.

Reply

Awsumuzzie | 12

#4080793 - Friday 24 February 2012 7:01

Wait just one darn second! When I compliment, my comments some how disappear.... I'm starting to wonder if it's just me.... and if it is, I'm not surprised.

Reply

Pelreskovich | 11

#4080797 - Friday 24 February 2012 7:04

I noticed that too.. I went to reply and was like.. Whaaa.. Huh?? For some reason everyone seems to comment on my face in a negative light. This weekend I'm changing my picture to my ass, thoughts?

Reply

Pelreskovich | 11

#4080806 - Friday 24 February 2012 7:07

Comments keep disappearing! OH THE HUMANITY!

Reply

Jakesterk96 | 8

#4081577 - Friday 24 February 2012 14:21

Yea, because a sponge will do just that.

By spacetravel | 1

#4079828 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:21

Why couldn't you just tell them what happened and apologized then ordered take out? That's just nasty.

Reply

Moneylover103 | 1

#4080293 - Friday 24 February 2012 3:02

I was thinkin the same thing

By notsorandomguy | 18

#4079832 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:22

It MUST be a new type of pasta!!! Look, it's yellow and it was in the middle of it all, and it grows softer when soaked in water. Don't worry about it, it's probably a new type of marketing technique.

Reply

crstl | 4

#4080617 - Friday 24 February 2012 4:49

Keep your day job, unless you're a salesman.