Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such... - FML

By arch maester shavayalsharashion - 26/7/2015 17:29 - United Kingdom - Surbiton

Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced." and took a rain check on me. FML

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Serious times

Creepy

Billy no-mates

By goldie09 - 18/2/2010 17:36 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. FML

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By Barry Wom - 28/11/2018 12:00

Today, my boss is out of the office and sent me an e-mail asking me to multiply two numbers together and send her the result. Apparently she doesn't know that her smartphone has a calculator app. FML

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By ohbiebjetaime - 30/6/2012 20:09 - France

Today, a guy asked for my number at a party. As I was entering my number into his phone, my name and a picture of me popped up. I'm afraid I just met my stalker. FML

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By bm128902 - 1/10/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was going around saying that she tries to give time off to the other managers so they can spend time with their family and significant others. She looked at me and said she doesn't for me because I have no one special to spend time with. FML

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By leprechaun23 - 23/4/2012 04:21 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML

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By henley - 23/7/2012 01:33

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML

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By Fido - 6/6/2016 11:58 - United States

Today, my 3-year-old girl accidentally caught sight of me stepping out of the shower. Now she thinks "daddy has a tail" and she just has to let everyone know about it. FML

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By elow72 - 19/2/2016 21:47 - United States - Nashua

Today, I woke up at 3:45 AM to fly to Pittsburgh to sample classes at a university there. After all that flying and sitting in traffic for 2 hours, I finally got to attend to my first class. I fell asleep during it. FML

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By CrappyLuck - 4/8/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme constipation. I spent $25 for my son to poop on me the second the doctor had me remove his diaper. FML

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By BadDay - 20/9/2016 05:04 - Australia - Beerwah

Today, being a little stressed, I managed to lock my keys inside my car. I was taking this fairly calmly until, while waiting for roadside assistance, I overheard another woman in the same carpark say, "No, of course I didn't lock my keys in the car! I'm not a COMPLETE idiot." FML

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By bbbblt - 15/8/2010 11:39 - Australia

Today, my sister got caught cheating on her boyfriend. She was cheating on him with my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2010 21:16 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is a pyromaniac. She set my bed on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2014 05:07 - Australia - Brighton

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

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By dwhitehouse - 21/1/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, I went out to my car only to find my battery had died the night before. With the wind chill, it was -20°F outside. With the hood open, and jumper cables in one hand, I tried to flag down a passing motorist for help. A man in a truck slowed down, sarcastically waved at me, and kept driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2018 08:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I was fired from the job I've had for 15 years. My boss recently hired his daughter as a senior manager and she made several cuts because, as she put it, the sales team was "too old and lame". I didn't know being a young bitch was a requirement to work at a furniture warehouse. FML

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By n/a - 25/11/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom yelling, "Mommy-mommy that lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

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By moorox45 - 16/1/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

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By unemployed - 10/7/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I was at a second interview for a job that I really need as I got laid off last month. Midway through the interview, I went to cross my legs and realized I had 2 different shoes on. FML

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By man2 - 23/9/2010 11:18 - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was unsuccessful at a job interview, and she didn't want to be with someone who "has no future". She's unemployed too. FML

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By deargodthepain - 2/2/2014 16:53 - United States

Today, I was singing in the shower but couldn't hit the higher notes. My wife complained and 2 minutes later she ran a tap causing my shower to go freezing. I shrieked. My wife said my pitch was still wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 06:55 - United Kingdom

I need it

Today, my husband and I have such busy careers, we have to schedule sex for when we’re both at home and hopefully not too tired, otherwise we’d never have sex at all. The last time we had sex was on my birthday, in April, and our next appointment is mid September. I really miss sex. FML

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By KiloLima01 - 8/1/2009 03:59 - Australia

Today, I met a really hot chick while waiting for the bus. We spoke for 4 hours till we got to our destination. She hugged me and we parted ways. Later that day I realised she stole my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2013 17:44 - United States - Sylvania

Today, my mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seeing that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 18/5/2019 12:30

Today, it's the first day in 3 weeks that I'm in my flat after 7 a.m. due to a very busy work schedule. I was looking forward to a Saturday lie-in. Also today, my flatmate's alarm clock went off loudly from 7:30 to 10:30. He's in another country and his door is locked. Bye bye lie-in. FML

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By sevenshotmovie - 21/9/2017 07:00 - United States - Sheffield

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to watch a movie with myself and a few friends. He got drunk, talked during the entire movie, fell into and broke my fan and then threw up all over my roommate's bathroom. He is still leaning over the toilet and my fan sounds like a woodpecker. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 02:01

Today, I was at my job as a fitting room attendant and I checked a woman and her young son in. After several minutes, they left, saying there was lipstick on the mirror. Not only was it all over two mirrors, but also on the wall, the floor and the carpet. The whole place smelled of lip-balm and I was left to clean it up. FML

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By Vampprobs - 25/3/2014 01:52 - United States - Skandia

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2012 04:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my lovely amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles and out of my window. FML

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By Benchlover - 10/10/2016 12:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I realized two things: how much time I've spent waiting between lectures, and just how bad my love life is. I found out that I get incredibly jealous when somebody sits on my favourite bench in the centre of the campus. FML

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By geli - 9/8/2016 00:12

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

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By maddie - 15/5/2020 05:00

Gross

Today, while I was working the drive-thru window, a customer sneezed into his hand and then handed me his money. FML

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By something - 16/2/2019 18:00

Today, I was walking home from school and my stupid brother who comes earlier then me locked the storm door. I ended up trying every other door for 3 hours in below freezing temperature. I was numb everywhere. I rang the bell and my brother opened it. He was home the whole time. FML

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By grimatwork - 1/11/2010 17:24 - United Kingdom

Today, after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint stain all across one side of my shirt. Turns out that my fiancé had used it to "clean up the bed." I am the manager of a supermarket with 40 employees. It was pretty obvious what it was. FML

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By Marcella - 24/10/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

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By dlova - 27/1/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to my friends about how I thought this girl was totally into me. As we were leaving, we saw the same girl making out with my ex. FML

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By Cat vs. Dog - 28/4/2014 21:03 - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

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By ali - 3/7/2012 11:51 - United States - Livingston

Today, I was having an argument with my girlfriend in front of our friends. I didn't want her to spoil my good time, so I ignored her until she disappeared. She re-appeared thirty minutes later just to throw a punch that would make Muhammad Ali jealous. Our friends' reaction? They clapped. FML

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By great 1st impression - 25/5/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming "What the fuck?!" FML

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By stuckonrepeat - 4/8/2010 20:17 - Ireland

Today, when I returned from holiday, I discovered my best friend taught my parrot dirty phrases for fun. I can't get her to shut up and my little niece and nephew are coming over in three days. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2009 00:28 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm 8 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be leaving for Paris with my college abstinence group for a year. FML

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Top comments

By feytensn | 25

#6362409 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:07

So sorry for you. But we, strangers care about you. So go out there and make some friends!

By MDoremis | 38

#6362410 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:07

Just remember: No one is alone. There are people who feel just like you, and it's rough, but it gets better.

COMMENTS

By Ramos808 | 29

#6362393 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:03

I'll be your friend :)

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6362499 - Monday 27 July 2015 1:11

I would take #1's request to be a friend if I were you OP. His username has Wane in it, so he could be Bruce Wayne so you would be friends with a billionaire.

Reply

18drakerad | 18

#6362529 - Monday 27 July 2015 2:00

And your name has pants in it. As in shit your pants. As in shit for brains. So anyone who's friends with you or listens to you has shit for brains. Just like you.

Reply

Swandive235 | 27

#6362530 - Monday 27 July 2015 2:01

Your dad cares, but you can't get shitfaced after about 50. So he is trying to live life, I hope everything works out for you. Best of luck OP :)

Reply

SubparAtBest | 23

#6362728 - Monday 27 July 2015 5:40

im sensing some hostility from 35..

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6362767 - Monday 27 July 2015 6:46

For some strange reason I get a vibe that #35 might not like me.

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6362775 - Monday 27 July 2015 6:55

It might be because #35 is frustrated from supporting a junk hockey team.

By DolphinLaser23 | 24

#6362396 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:03

Wow that's really inconsiderate. Sorry that happened OP. Hopefully you have someone else who you can really open up to.

By lfrider92 | 21

#6362405 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:06

Sounds like your dad has more of a social life than you.

Reply

PremiumWhale | 18

#6362507 - Monday 27 July 2015 1:20

That's the whole point of the fml...

Reply

GhostFox | 33

#6362984 - Monday 27 July 2015 13:40

Sounds more like OP's father has a more damaged liver if you ask me.

Also, you remind me of the type of person who sees someone with a really bad bruise and presses on it asking, "Does it hurt a lot when I do this?"

By not_your_taco | 15

#6362406 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:06

Aw that sucks OP, but just know that there are people out there who like you and don't think you're a loser. :)

By badassmf1234 | 22

#6362408 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:06

Dad of the year

By feytensn | 25

#6362409 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:07

So sorry for you. But we, strangers care about you. So go out there and make some friends!

By MDoremis | 38

#6362410 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:07

Just remember: No one is alone. There are people who feel just like you, and it's rough, but it gets better.

By Ben14h | 22

#6362415 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:08

But that tends to lead to more problems

By cristy91 | 33

#6362422 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:10

^^ Such as losing to fights against doors

By tehdarkness | 21

#6362425 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:12

Just be yourself and don't try to emulate anyone else. People like to be friends with people who are kind and genuine. High school can be tough but stick with it an reap the rewards in adulthood.