Miscellaneous: Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such... - FML

By arch maester shavayalsharashion - United Kingdom - Surbiton

Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced." and took a rain check on me. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

There's no helping some people

Dementia or hate? You decide

By pk24 - United States

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

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By not as easy as pie - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

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By SadSister:( - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 4-year-old sister and our puppy. Suddenly, she blurted out from the backseat, "I don't love you anymore." Shocked, I asked her to repeat herself. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "The puppy doesn't love you either." FML

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By lovebigmacs - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend the new tattoo of a butterfly that I'd gotten on my lower back. He said, "It looks like it's flying when your rolls jiggle." FML

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By JC - United States

Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML

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By piemasterzim - Canada

Today, I was messing around with my wife. I grabbed her boobs and said, "Honk honk". Unbeknownst to me, my daughter saw it. Now my 3-year-old girl runs around honking everyone. Even her grandparents. FML

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By Chub - United States

Today, the door to my daughter's room became jammed and wouldn't open while she was in the room. Being resourceful, I grabbed my ladder and climbed up to her window, only to end up stuck in her window. I'm not sure what was worse, getting stuck, or being laughed at by my neighbors for a while. FML

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By howprofessional - United States - Dearborn

Today, at a job interview, I was asked what I thought of twerking. It was a bizarre question, but trying to get on the interviewer's good side, I said I thought it was pretty cool. He snorted and said I'll be job-seeking for a while yet. FML

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By An. - 11/1/2021 15:01 - United States - Denver

Good job

Today, after a really bad day, I just wanted to order DoorDash. When my food came, I saw my burger had tomatoes in it, despite requesting no tomatoes. I’m deathly allergic. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a shirt and a tie on and I had my Blackberry in my pocket. I was running a little late, so I dashed outside. When I came out of the door, a bunch of my buddies screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and poured Gatorade all over me. FML

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By Ew - United States - Washington

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

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By babysitter - United States

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to take a nice hot relaxing bath. A wasp somehow got in, and stung me on the nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it is both my birthday and Easter. My whole family came into town and my mom made a big dinner with all of my favorite foods. After church, I took a nap. When I woke up, all the food, including my cake, was gone. No one thought to wake me up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as always, I have a type of eczema that flares up when I'm stressed out or anxious. And today, the girl I've been in love with for 4 years asked me out on a date. We meet up in a few hours, and right now I look like I have smallpox. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was stuck in a room with a man who was catching flies. That I could cope with, until he insisted on turning the lights out because it was 'stressing out' his flies. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my big sister's birthday, and I was told the iPod I ordered her online was not coming due to a mix up. I drove to three different electronic stores before I found the one she wanted. After spending forever in traffic, I came home to find a package on my doorstep. It was her iPod. FML

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By TheRunaway21 - United States

Today, my mother admitted to me that she sends me up and down the stairs to get things for her because she thinks I could use the exercise. FML

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By jshibbz0993 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 23:02

Ambien conversations are the worst

Today, my close friend messaged me, asking if she could still move in. I don't remember the conversation we had saying that she could move in in the first place. I live in a one bedroom apartment. I have no idea what to say. FML

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By MickyIsEVIL - Japan - Nagoya

Today, I was yelled at while I was shopping by some lady, because she saw my tattoo on my arm. She screamed that I'm the "spawn of Satan" and told me I'm going to hell. It's a fake tattoo of Mickey mouse. FML

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By sasquatch - United States - Katonah

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

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By singlesailor - United States

Today, I'm in my fourth month of training in the US Navy. I'm 3000 miles from home. I joined to give my wife a better life. Since I've been gone, she decided that she liked being single. FML

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By Bg2466 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got a bad review on my work's Facebook page. The girl said I was very rude and I should never work with the public. I was trying to flirt with her. FML

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By Stella Grubner

Today, I chose a cute tank top and some shorts to wear. Later, I was shopping at Target with my dad when he pointed to a girl in the same isle and said to me, "Don't ever dress like that. It looks cute on her, but you couldn't pull it off." She was wearing shorts and a tank top. FML

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By Miramichi - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

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By Dalistair - United States - High Point

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 11:01

Renters' rights

Today, I’m a student renting a room in an old lady’s house. The other lodger, who arrived a few weeks later, hates my guts now because my room has a tiny old TV and hers doesn’t. It wasn’t even my choice to take this room, it was decided by the landlady. But sure, I’m an evil, TV-hogging bitch. FML

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By breathexali - United States

Today, I had to get bloodwork done. I'm deathly afraid of needles. The whole lobby heard me scream as soon as the nurse said 'hello'. FML

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By ILuvYouSoldiers - United States

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

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By hot_friend - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he was in love with my best friend instead of me. I wouldn't be so upset if it wasn't the third boyfriend in a row this happened with. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, even though I'm overweight, I was feeling alright about the way I looked in the historical costume I'm required to wear by my job. A little kid came in and asked me if I was having a baby. Guess I don't look as good as I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

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By shit streak

KoBabe

Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mother to check up on her. Lately, she's been having some financial problems, so last week I sent her my last $100 to help her out until her next paycheck. She used the money to euthanize the family dog. FML

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By cheerbabeXoXo - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

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By Asha Toone - 31/1/2021 08:02

Tough times

Today, I started noticing how unnecessarily hard it is to get a basic job such as a cashier or server, even though you already have experience in that field. FML

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By Pizzaguy - United States - Dundee

Today, I got a call from my manager saying that I won't need to work this weekend. Too bad I already cancelled a family vacation because he threatened to fire me if I didn't work this weekend. FML

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By storrent - United States - Houston

Today, I discovered that my band section had misspelled my name as "Joke" on our section poster. On purpose. It's supposed to be Jake. FML

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By anyomous - United States

Today, I bought tickets for my friends and me to go to a concert. While I was in the shower, they ditched me and took my girlfriend. FML

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Top comments

By feytensn | 25

#6362409 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:07

So sorry for you. But we, strangers care about you. So go out there and make some friends!

By MDoremis | 38

#6362410 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:07

Just remember: No one is alone. There are people who feel just like you, and it's rough, but it gets better.

COMMENTS

By Ramos808 | 29

#6362393 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:03

I'll be your friend :)

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6362499 - Monday 27 July 2015 1:11

I would take #1's request to be a friend if I were you OP. His username has Wane in it, so he could be Bruce Wayne so you would be friends with a billionaire.

Reply

18drakerad | 18

#6362529 - Monday 27 July 2015 2:00

And your name has pants in it. As in shit your pants. As in shit for brains. So anyone who's friends with you or listens to you has shit for brains. Just like you.

Reply

Swandive235 | 27

#6362530 - Monday 27 July 2015 2:01

Your dad cares, but you can't get shitfaced after about 50. So he is trying to live life, I hope everything works out for you. Best of luck OP :)

Reply

SubparAtBest | 23

#6362728 - Monday 27 July 2015 5:40

im sensing some hostility from 35..

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6362767 - Monday 27 July 2015 6:46

For some strange reason I get a vibe that #35 might not like me.

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6362775 - Monday 27 July 2015 6:55

It might be because #35 is frustrated from supporting a junk hockey team.

By DolphinLaser23 | 24

#6362396 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:03

Wow that's really inconsiderate. Sorry that happened OP. Hopefully you have someone else who you can really open up to.

By lfrider92 | 21

#6362405 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:06

Sounds like your dad has more of a social life than you.

Reply

PremiumWhale | 18

#6362507 - Monday 27 July 2015 1:20

That's the whole point of the fml...

Reply

GhostFox | 33

#6362984 - Monday 27 July 2015 13:40

Sounds more like OP's father has a more damaged liver if you ask me.

Also, you remind me of the type of person who sees someone with a really bad bruise and presses on it asking, "Does it hurt a lot when I do this?"

By not_your_taco | 15

#6362406 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:06

Aw that sucks OP, but just know that there are people out there who like you and don't think you're a loser. :)

By badassmf1234 | 22

#6362408 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:06

Dad of the year

By feytensn | 25

#6362409 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:07

So sorry for you. But we, strangers care about you. So go out there and make some friends!

By MDoremis | 38

#6362410 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:07

Just remember: No one is alone. There are people who feel just like you, and it's rough, but it gets better.

By Ben14h | 22

#6362415 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:08

But that tends to lead to more problems

By cristy91 | 33

#6362422 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:10

^^ Such as losing to fights against doors

By tehdarkness | 21

#6362425 - Monday 27 July 2015 0:12

Just be yourself and don't try to emulate anyone else. People like to be friends with people who are kind and genuine. High school can be tough but stick with it an reap the rewards in adulthood.