Kids: Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet...

By jmitch1209 - United States

Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet for almost twenty minutes and could not go. My phone started ringing, and as I went to pick it up he knocked it into the toilet. He then peed and pooped on it. FML

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Kids

Commando

This Charming Man

Wrong place, wrong time

By badmombadkids - 24/5/2020 02:00

Assholes, assholes everywhere

Today, my nephews decided to play with and break the antique hourglass I bought for my mom. It took months to find and cost nearly $500. When I told my sister, she refused to repay me and responded with, "What do you expect, they’re just little boys!" Her "little boys" are 12 and 14. FML

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By woodchuck0022 - Canada

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

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By Djcc - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML

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By Misbah Akhtar - 21/11/2020 12:59 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Child's play

Today, my 6 year-old brought me a card. On it was a turd belonging to my 4 year-old son. She got excited and grossed out, and threw it on the rug. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, I went with my boyfriend to meet his parents. I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom, and I ended up taking a huge crap that wouldn't flush. I had to reach in and break it up with my hands just so it would flush. Only after I washed up did I notice a plunger sitting under the sink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little sister was playing with her building blocks. All of a sudden, she began to cry and held her finger out to me. Assuming she had hurt it, I kissed it better, and tasted something odd on my lips. Turns out she wasn't hurt, she was crying because she had touched cat vomit. FML

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By Rush Snake - France

Today, I tried to play with my Wii using the TV remote. FML

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By shwasted - United States

Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving the restaurant early, we went to a party to try and salvage the night. My date then got wasted, ended up puking in the back seat of my car on the way home, then lied about it. My night ended with me cleaning vomit out of my car. FML

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By mr. machine - United States

Today, my 19-year-old daughter got a haircut. When I asked her if she tipped the hairdresser, she looked at me in horror and asked, "You’re supposed to tip hairdressers?" FML

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By Teenagegirl - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

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By _Emilyy - United States

Today, I updated my facebook status to, "Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come." After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who'd liked my status was my grandma. FML

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By queenariii - United States - Atlanta

Today, I'm stuck in a ramshackle house that my aunt bought and moved everyone out to. Only one bathroom works, and she won't let us flush it because the house keeps flooding. Four people are stuck here with just one toilet filled with poop and urine, while she's been staying at a friend's house. FML

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By anonymouss - United States

Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches in my head. I texted all my contacts to let them know I was in the hospital. I got back one response that said "bitch got what you deserve" it was from my cousin. No one else ever texted me back. FML

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By AddictiveAddicted - United States - Denver

Today, I found an unfamiliar ring in my purse. Thinking it was fake, I gave it to a little girl. Thanks to my mother, I later found out that the ring was my grandmother's and it was made of gold and had a real ruby. My mother added that my grandmother trusted me to keep it in our family. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I stubbed the same toe three times in fifteen minutes. How? My sister moved most of the furniture in the house to the left by a few inches, because she thought it would be funny to watch me get confused and suffer. FML

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By BrokeAF - United States - Great Barrington

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

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By Kulcha - Australia

Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML

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By Badhairday - Canada - Whitby

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

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By trippy

Today, my mom tripped over a curb and cried, because she “tripped and not even drunk.” I thought it was normal to trip over my own two feet several times a day. FML

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By Anonymous

Alexa, play "Asleep" by The Smiths

Today, I woke up to my best friend laying next to me vigorously touching herself. She thought I was asleep. FML

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By denise - United States

Today, I was feeling a little racy and decided to send my boyfriend some naked pictures of myself. He responded, "That's OK, but does your face have to be in them?" FML

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By Sailorjoe - United States

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

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By Jerry - 4/1/2021 10:58

Best thing to do

Today, I walked in on my wife and my buddy from work. They didn’t even stop. I just went to a motel to get drunk. FML

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By Superficial - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being superficial. She said I was superficial because I paid $100 for acne medication, because she always complained about how much acne I had. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while bagging at a grocery store, a customer had me use some canvas bags he'd brought with him. This wouldn't have been a problem had they not reeked strongly of cat piss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant. I asked how it could be possible, since she's on birth control. She said she didn't know her antibiotics would interfere with it. She's a pharmacist. FML

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By kkkk

Thanks, I hate it

Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Reasonable

Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML

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By Anonymous

Yummy

Today, I decided to have some bagels. It was only after I ate them that I looked at the cream cheese and discovered that it expired 3 years ago. FML

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By No thank you - United States - Columbus

Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML

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By satisfied88

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

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By blank13 - United States

Today, I went to Knott's Berry Farm with my girlfriend. After we got off of Supreme Scream, the ride attendant asked her, "How was it?" She pointed to me and said, "It's like sex with this man, my boyfriend; intense, then disappointing because it only lasts like 30 seconds." FML

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By downgirl - United States - Norman

Today, I saw the pumpkin I had put out for Halloween was starting to get mushy. I went to put it in a trash bag when it slipped out of my hands and burst over my knee. My dog heard the noise, ran into the kitchen and attacked me out of panic. FML

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By FailedSniper - United States

Today, I saw my dad's friend across the street working on my neighbor's roof. To continue the airsoft war we'd been having I shot at him with the sniper gun I bought. I hit him, and he fell off the roof. I ran over to see if he was ok. It wasn't my dad's friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my grandpa died. As I rushed home crying to comfort my parents, I got pulled over for speeding. The officer told me to cut out the "fake" tears". When I told him my grandpa just died he tacked on another $100 for lying to an officer. Worst. Christmas. Ever. FML

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By Iknoweverything - United States - Mankato

Today, my co-worker had a bad cold that stuffed up his ears and nose. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that he believed his farts were silent and scentless. They were so vile, they could have killed a horse. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

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By elevatorjerk - United States

Today, I was going to work and got in the elevator. I was going through my bag for my phone and asked the man in the elevator to push the button for me. He gave me a look of death before I realized he had no arms. FML

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Top comments

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#805558 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:23

Today, I phoned up my best friend to talk about the days events. As soon as he picked up he farted in the earpiece and left me hanging while I heard him excrete in the background. FML.

By HanaxD | 0

#805524 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:11

Ew.

COMMENTS

By guzman21 | 0

#805514 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:09

second!

skarlath | 0

#805682 - Friday 29 January 2010 0:03

Omg

BlueJeans2626 | 0

#806251 - Friday 29 January 2010 3:55

nothin' like a little motivation (:

MF12 | 0

#806314 - Friday 29 January 2010 4:24

well usually second people go "first!" but you have it the other way around...

RaKum12 | 0

#806444 - Friday 29 January 2010 5:24

hahahahahahahahaha
he did it on purpose

tysta | 0

#806490 - Friday 29 January 2010 5:45

Who cares if he pees and poos in it, it's broken just flush it.

neddyy | 0

#983648 - Thursday 22 April 2010 15:04

you cant flush a phone

happy_animal_lov | 0

#1040790 - Thursday 24 June 2010 4:56

#58- a potty is just a little bowl. you can't flush it. and why the fuck were *you* potty training your nephew????

tatababe | 1

#3020110 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 6:57

At least he finally did his business

Amanyyyyyy | 29

#5968236 - Saturday 7 June 2014 23:49

86- Nothing wrong with helping out... I potty trained my little siblings and gave my older sister tips on how to get my nephew to go..

By HanaxD | 0

#805524 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:11

Ew.

bhangu023 | 0

#806173 - Friday 29 January 2010 3:20

ahahahahahahaha

By Ft9princess | 0

#805527 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:12

at least you helped him go! :)

MetroidSlayer01 | 8

#807614 - Friday 29 January 2010 17:33

lol. True...

By BangOut | 2

#805531 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:13

4TH

By AGGoddess | 2

#805537 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:16

YDI - this is why most people have voicemail.

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#805612 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:45

how the fuck does she disserve it??

packerboy1280 | 0

#805639 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:51

agreed how can peeple say she deservedit

AGGoddess | 2

#805643 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:53

She could have let it go to voicemail and call the person back as soon as the kid was finished.

By packerboy1280 | 0

#805542 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:18

no one gives a shit if ur first or fourth or watever so shut tha fuck up

Towelie_31 | 0

#805565 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:26

i think #6 is jealous?

efil_ym_kcuf | 0

#805602 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:42

agreed...it only works if you put your spot THEN put a comment relevant to the OP.

packerboy1280 | 0

#805634 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:50

jealos of wat being the 1st to comment who gives a shit

Towelie_31 | 0

#805696 - Friday 29 January 2010 0:06

you're clearly so jealous, that in your blind rage, you forgot how to spell jealous

packerboy1280 | 0

#805807 - Friday 29 January 2010 1:00

ummm i have a life n i dont care what number i am 2 post a comment unlike sum peeple n also who cares bout spelling on a fml comment

Towelie_31 | 0

#806177 - Friday 29 January 2010 3:23

oh you care... you care...

packerboy1280 | 0

#806332 - Friday 29 January 2010 4:30

just shut up towelie

guzman21 | 0

#808837 - Saturday 30 January 2010 4:33

:p be jealous! i got second¡

By Freeze_fml | 16

#805547 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:20

If only you had recorded it from the phone.

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#805558 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:23

Today, I phoned up my best friend to talk about the days events. As soon as he picked up he farted in the earpiece and left me hanging while I heard him excrete in the background. FML.

HanaxD | 0

#805582 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:34

Hahaha, the "as soon as he picked up he farted in the earpiece" part made me laugh. :P
The OP's a woman though.

chaos753159 | 4

#806105 - Friday 29 January 2010 2:49

LOL Literally (spelling)

OLOtheDemigodess | 0

#809112 - Saturday 30 January 2010 9:02

your comment just made my day. *thumbsup*

aoelk424 | 0

#1215769 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 5:02

her nephew sure isn't a woman

iTwitch | 5

#2138658 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 0:53

win!! hahahha

By razz122 | 5

#805562 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:25

Why are you potty training your Nephew. Shouldn't your brother/sister be doing that.

efil_ym_kcuf | 0

#805627 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:49

actually...there are lots of honorable women out there, including my aunt, who take in their nieces and nephews...due to these women having asses for brothers and sister-in-laws who pass away young...

nurgletr0n | 0

#806179 - Friday 29 January 2010 3:24

i was wondering the same thing razz, isn't it teh parents responsibility?

Magicalyn | 0

#807546 - Friday 29 January 2010 16:55

I have a friend who watches both of her nephews during the day in exchange for free room and board. Maybe she just takes care of him during the day?

By ju5td0it | 0

#805568 - Thursday 28 January 2010 23:28

well at least he hasn't learned how to drop things down the toilet and flush them down the toilet... Ive experienced this unfortunately