Kids: Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet...

By jmitch1209 - 28/01/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet for almost twenty minutes and could not go. My phone started ringing, and as I went to pick it up he knocked it into the toilet. He then peed and pooped on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 846

You deserved it 3 843

Kids

Age difference

Not the best reaction

Get it on, get on with it

By shrek - 02/05/2016 10:25 - Australia

Today, my brother dyed my white work shirt bright green because I beat him to the shower this morning. As it's my only shirt, I had to wear it to work, where there was a surprise audit and I was fired for incorrect uniform. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 607

You deserved it 1 487

By Username - 04/08/2011 09:15 - United States

Today, my twit of a husband admitted to falling for an internet scam involving a dead foreign politician, the promise of a share in millions of dollars currently stuck in a bank, and him having wired a large amount of our money to "bribe an official". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 667

You deserved it 4 884

By Fairymyass - 17/07/2011 16:01 - United Kingdom

Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 856

You deserved it 4 486

By killme - 13/12/2018 14:00

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me saying I don’t make her happy, I don’t make her laugh, that she feels she is settling for me and that she is not being pleased sexually. Even though she has always said I did all of that and that we could work through anything. I was going to propose... FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 024

You deserved it 331

By that1guy - 14/03/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, My girlfriend who I've been dating for over a year was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. Thats when I saw she packed 10 condoms with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 823

You deserved it 6 290

By fatgirl4 - 20/07/2009 23:31 - United States

Today, I was at the gym running with intensity on the treadmill. As I was working out, I noticed a few guys behind me staring at me. I figured they were checking me out because I was losing some weight and looking better. Turns out they were betting on how much longer "Fat Ass" could last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 995

You deserved it 6 607

By Anonymous - 11/07/2012 05:29 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boss asked me if he could pay me in gum. Thinking he was playing around, I agreed. He wasn't playing around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 949

You deserved it 9 839

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I was texting this guy i've liked for a really long time, because of how nice and sentimental he is. We were sending each other things like "You make me smile" and "You're so damn cute" when finally he said "Let's just stop texting and hook up already." So much for sentimental. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 403

You deserved it 42 742

By ellisp1 - 04/07/2017 22:10

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 129

You deserved it 464

By Anonymous - 15/11/2017 15:00

Today, the two government buildings on either side of my apartment both started renovations. It will be about two months of constant banging as they cut and put up the steel on both sites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 445

You deserved it 240

By Anonymous - 28/05/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I woke up fully clothed, trying to remember the night's events. I walk to the den to awkwardly ask my dad for a ride to my car and he points to the computer. A pic of me passed out on the bathroom floor is now our new wallpaper. My skirt was around my knees. He sent it to everyone we know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 933

You deserved it 25 849

Logic

By Anonymous - 31/05/2021 04:01

Today, according to my boyfriend, it’s not cheating if he doesn’t love the other woman, so if it’s just sex, it’s not cheating and I shouldn’t be upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 471

You deserved it 121

By Oriianna Raiinbow - 23/10/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 717

You deserved it 4 544

Fatherly pride

By Anonymous - 02/12/2021 14:01

Today, my wife insisted we start a college fund for our son, even though from where we were sat in the kitchen, we could clearly see him eating ice cream he'd just dropped on the floor, while picking at his belly button. He’s 13. College, sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 643

You deserved it 325

"Destroy me completely, then throw me away"

By calcstudent101 - 25/02/2021 11:03 - United States

Today, I was just beginning a calculus exam when my brain thought it was a good time to get stuck on the song "Close Every Door" from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Now that the exam is over, I'm afraid that I can foresee the future through song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 577

You deserved it 124

By John - 06/06/2017 15:00 - United States - Midway City

Today, one of my interviewers got so bored, he made a paper airplane out of my résumé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 696

You deserved it 558

By Anonymous - 07/10/2017 01:30

Today, while pulling out of my work parking lot, I had a piping hot coffee tossed at me through my passenger window. I don't know if I was more amazed by this guy's exquisite aim or the fact that his coffee was so sweet I tasted the diabetes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 952

You deserved it 222

By Nicos - 25/12/2008 06:07 - France

Today, feeling romantic and overwhelmed with love, I told my fiancée: "I don't know what I'd do without you." She replied: "Well, you'd wank". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 859

You deserved it 6 202

By anonymous - 01/11/2009 13:37 - France

Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted to tell me was that Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place. Then he hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 415

You deserved it 2 585

Urges

By Anonymous - 29/05/2021 04:01

Today, I accidentally bought chicken fingers. I couldn't even make it two days as a vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 253

You deserved it 843

No-life

By Anonymous - 03/12/2020 20:01

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to spend alone time playing FIFA instead of having a relationship. If I ever find the CEO of EA Sports, I’m throwing hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 231

By #[email protected] - 27/12/2018 16:00

Today, the guy I've fallen for and have been dating on and off for 2 years told me that he kept contacting me to re-connect because he missed hanging out with me, but didn't actually have any feelings for me. I already paid for a non-refundable weekend away as his Christmas present for us both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 741

You deserved it 632

By montanadinosaur - 26/04/2015 04:05 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 089

You deserved it 10 724

By baconistasty27 - 01/08/2014 05:33 - United States - San Diego

Today, I spent my afternoon rummaging through old jeans and other pants, due to being broke and needing cash for ramen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 222

You deserved it 5 116

By wheresmysweater - 28/12/2012 03:49 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my trunk froze shut with my Christmas presents inside. Since it was still shut, I went to the store. When I came out, some ice had melted and the trunk had popped open. All of my gifts were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 712

You deserved it 5 313

By Anonymous - 15/04/2016 19:46 - United States - Bronx

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 409

You deserved it 4 998

Compromises

By DepressionBetty - 11/10/2021 08:00

Today, I realized I agreed to go to the gym with my fiancé after being on my feet at work all day because he wants to get fit, but he will not help me remodel the house I’m working on so we can have a bigger place to live, because he doesn’t feel like it. I don’t want or need to go to the gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 212

By ollierocks96 - 17/12/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch out side with my friends, when a spider fell on one guy's back. I glanced at it and opened my mouth to warn him when another guy flicked it and it went into my mouth. I can still taste it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 477

You deserved it 3 009

By Slaanesh - 12/12/2008 12:08 - France

Today, I decided to teach my dog not to be scared of the vacuum cleaner. I grab the handle and get it close to her. She runs off and hides behind the couch and pisses everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 019

You deserved it 38 862

By srsly_what - 28/04/2011 23:13 - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 539

You deserved it 3 497

By Anonymous - 06/05/2017 08:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I called and went downtown after the city incorrectly issued fines against my property and threatened jail time for violating city ordinances, not paying fines, and not filing permits. They told me that, until fines are paid, they cannot correct a thing even though they got the address wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 339

You deserved it 268

By Dumped - 22/12/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, I was going on a date with my girlfriend. When I took her home, her sister came to the door. I used to date her sister and I didn't know they were related. My girlfriend realized this, then kicked me in the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 016

You deserved it 11 635

By Anonymous - 23/06/2017 04:00

Today, I asked my friend to hand in my homework for me since I have tonsillitis. She thought it would be funny to draw a big heart on it with my teacher's name inside, which she then handed in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 125

You deserved it 587

Welcoming

By Anonymous - 06/06/2014 15:45 - Australia

Today, I was having lunch with my fiancé's family. After he excused himself to use the bathroom, his grandmother glared at me, sneered, "I never liked you" and kept eating while the others smirked. When my fiancé returned, everyone pretended nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 892

You deserved it 8 331

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 256

You deserved it 610

By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 00:29 - United States - Wooster

Today, we got new seats in class today. The guy placed next to me, turned, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "The balls are the warmest place on the body" while his hands were in his pants. I'm stuck next to him for the rest of the semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 748

You deserved it 1 924

By Anonymous - 01/05/2013 16:13 - United States

Today, I was getting ready, when I heard my dad in the shower. He was singing along to the song "The Wheel in the Sky" by Journey. Except he'd changed the lyrics and was singing, "The dick on this guy needs a rubbin'." It turns out my mom was in the shower with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 274

You deserved it 5 549

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I decided to give my virginity to my boyfriend of four months, because I told him I loved him. Two minutes after he'd pulled out, he grabs his cell and mass texts "I FINALLY GOT LAID!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 990

You deserved it 26 195

By Noname - 11/02/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I got on Facebook and realized the only two friend requests I've had in 2 months are both from my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 294

You deserved it 5 469

By ChickenBallsPlease - 28/01/2014 11:16 - United Kingdom - King's Lynn

Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant, when I stopped the waitress to tell her that even though I am of Chinese heritage, I can't understand a word of Chinese. After an awkward silence, she told me she was actually speaking English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 513

You deserved it 16 578

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Top comments

FernandoTorres_fml 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:23

Today, I phoned up my best friend to talk about the days events. As soon as he picked up he farted in the earpiece and left me hanging while I heard him excrete in the background. FML.

HanaxD 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:11

Ew.

guzman21 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:09

second!

skarlath 0

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Friday 29 January 2010 0:03

Omg

BlueJeans2626 0

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Friday 29 January 2010 3:55

nothin' like a little motivation (:

MF12 0

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Friday 29 January 2010 4:24

well usually second people go "first!" but you have it the other way around...

RaKum12 0

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Friday 29 January 2010 5:24

hahahahahahahahaha he did it on purpose

tysta 0

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Friday 29 January 2010 5:45

Who cares if he pees and poos in it, it's broken just flush it.

neddyy 0

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Thursday 22 April 2010 15:04

you cant flush a phone

happy_animal_lov 0

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Thursday 24 June 2010 4:56

#58- a potty is just a little bowl. you can't flush it. and why the fuck were *you* potty training your nephew????

tatababe 1

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 6:57

At least he finally did his business

Amanyyyyyy 29

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Saturday 7 June 2014 23:49

86- Nothing wrong with helping out... I potty trained my little siblings and gave my older sister tips on how to get my nephew to go..

HanaxD 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:11

Ew.

bhangu023 0

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Friday 29 January 2010 3:20

ahahahahahahaha

Ft9princess 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:12

at least you helped him go! :)

MetroidSlayer01 8

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Friday 29 January 2010 17:33

lol. True...

BangOut 2

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:13

4TH

AGGoddess 2

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:16

YDI - this is why most people have voicemail.

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:45

how the fuck does she disserve it??

packerboy1280 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:51

agreed how can peeple say she deservedit

AGGoddess 2

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:53

She could have let it go to voicemail and call the person back as soon as the kid was finished.

packerboy1280 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:18

no one gives a shit if ur first or fourth or watever so shut tha fuck up

Towelie_31 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:26

i think #6 is jealous?

efil_ym_kcuf 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:42

agreed...it only works if you put your spot THEN put a comment relevant to the OP.

packerboy1280 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:50

jealos of wat being the 1st to comment who gives a shit

Towelie_31 0

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Friday 29 January 2010 0:06

you're clearly so jealous, that in your blind rage, you forgot how to spell jealous

packerboy1280 0

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Friday 29 January 2010 1:00

ummm i have a life n i dont care what number i am 2 post a comment unlike sum peeple n also who cares bout spelling on a fml comment

Towelie_31 0

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Friday 29 January 2010 3:23

oh you care... you care...

packerboy1280 0

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Friday 29 January 2010 4:30

just shut up towelie

guzman21 0

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Saturday 30 January 2010 4:33

:p be jealous! i got second¡

Freeze_fml 16

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:20

If only you had recorded it from the phone.

FernandoTorres_fml 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:23

Today, I phoned up my best friend to talk about the days events. As soon as he picked up he farted in the earpiece and left me hanging while I heard him excrete in the background. FML.

HanaxD 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:34

Hahaha, the "as soon as he picked up he farted in the earpiece" part made me laugh. :P The OP's a woman though.

chaos753159 4

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Friday 29 January 2010 2:49

LOL Literally (spelling)

OLOtheDemigodess 0

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Saturday 30 January 2010 9:02

your comment just made my day. *thumbsup*

aoelk424 0

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Tuesday 10 August 2010 5:02

her nephew sure isn't a woman

iTwitch 5

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Wednesday 2 March 2011 0:53

win!! hahahha

razz122 5

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:25

Why are you potty training your Nephew. Shouldn't your brother/sister be doing that.

efil_ym_kcuf 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 23:49

actually...there are lots of honorable women out there, including my aunt, who take in their nieces and nephews...due to these women having asses for brothers and sister-in-laws who pass away young...