Today, I was playing one on one soccer with a girl like. I accidentally...

By hyper12332 - 29/4/2009 14:35 - Australia

Today, I was playing one on one soccer with a girl like. I accidentally kicked the ball right into her face. The ball rolled back towards me and as I was running to see if she was ok, I kicked the ball... right into her face again. FML

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Love

Call CPS!

Does it taste good?

Who's a good boy?

By Anonymous - 20/2/2015 19:25 - United States - Wapakoneta

Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2014 07:32 - Australia - Rosebery

Today, my girlfriend visited my restaurant with some guy I'd never seen before. She introduced him to me as her "new boyfriend". She was always a cold bitch, but I never saw this coming. I had to serve their food while choking back tears, and I couldn't work up the nerve to spit in it. FML

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By dudster25 - 10/4/2016 04:20 - United States - Hanford

Today, I was both sexting with my girlfriend and texting my professor about an upcoming essay. I accidentally sent a dickpic to my professor. FML

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By Egyptian ToyBoy - 17/12/2019 20:00

Seventh heaven

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable aggressive orgasm. I'd celebrate my efforts only if she didn't knock over my new expensive laptop, when then split in half. FML

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By Shouldn'taWornaThong - 10/2/2018 07:00 - United States - Tempe

Shouldn't have worn a thong...

Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2013 15:00 - United States

Today, my boss fired me for acting "inappropriately" at work. I gave him a hug. He's my dad. FML

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By mommiedearest - 24/12/2015 16:06 - United States - Columbia

Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML

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By Hormones apparently - 8/12/2015 02:32 - United States - Westerville

Today, I was so inexplicably horny that I had to shuffle awkwardly and use my bag to hide the wetness of my pants as I left work for the day. FML

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By Julieworld - 24/4/2020 08:00

Recycling helps

Today, I was able to find the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, for whom he left me for. I had been curious about who she was, and when I zoomed in on her profile pic of them together, I noticed she was wearing the ring he'd got me for Christmas and that I'd given back to him. FML

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By Queerbait - 5/11/2015 06:52 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

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By ihatemylife - 28/1/2013 01:08 - United States - Naperville

Today, at 24, I still can't grow a single bit of facial hair. Well, at least not on the right side of my face. FML

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By Wrongdoor - 6/12/2009 14:58 - United States

Today, I was taking a placement test for the new college I am going to. After the test and picking up a few numbers, I left with great pride. I opened the door and started walking out. I then realized that I had walked into the closet. FML

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By BossesLittleBrat - 25/9/2016 12:47 - United States - Jamestown

Today, my brat of a coworker tried to convince our boss that I should get paid half of what I'm making because I broke my right arm. I'm left handed, broke it on the job, and still doing a better job than her. She makes double what I do. FML

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By medosin - 21/5/2012 12:10 - Austria

Today, I went into Whole Foods asking if they carried a supplement called Carnosine. The girl assisting me had no idea what it was, but asked, "Is this for weight loss?" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2018 22:00

Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML

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By GrinningCynic - 14/5/2012 17:55 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was told I need two root canals. This is because my previous dentist did such a bad job on one of my teeth that the decay went through and transferred to its neighbor. FML

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By cantprovenothing - 18/4/2014 21:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML

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By ok then - 31/10/2016 15:55

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, while at the store, my fly became undone. It doesn't seem that bad unless an old lady comes to "zip it up for you." FML

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By Idontbelieveinmagic - 17/6/2013 05:42 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad refused to believe that the Animal Planet's mermaid mockumentaries were faked. Instead he got into a huge argument with me, claiming the government is covering up the existence of mermaids and must've threatened the producers to keep it quiet. FML

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By The_failure - 18/4/2019 20:00

Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2016 16:57 - United States - Avon

Today, there was an issue with the sewage system at work. It smelled like somebody took a turd, left it in the sun to marinate, threw up on it, then put in the air conditioning to fill the store with nauseating stink. I nearly threw up multiple times because we weren't allowed to leave early. FML

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By 1fungi - 7/12/2010 05:25

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2011 22:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother who lives with us decided that since I work from home, it would be a good idea for her to stay home and keep me company. "Keeping me company" includes ordering me to make her food, gossiping non stop, and ridiculing me for not being the woman that she always saw her son marrying. FML

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By humdrummitydrum - 19/8/2014 20:46 - United States

Today, my new doctor gave me a breast exam and said everything was healthy, before adding "Well, I think so, anyway. I don't actually work here." As I freaked out, he laughed out loud, said he was just kidding, and that he should prescribe me a chill pill. FML

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By Blondie - 23/3/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from a detective in response to my stolen car that has been missing since St. Patrick's Day. He told me that he had found my car, but was chuckling the whole time. Turns out, I had parked my car in a different lot. I haven't had it for a week. It was never stolen. FML

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By IDIOT - 28/3/2014 20:11 - United States

Today, a would-be customer practically kicked my store door in, then got pissed and started throwing around insults after I told him that we were still closed, hence the closed sign. He claimed the sign was "confusing". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2015 17:18 - United States - Birmingham

Today, a few weeks after teaching my dog to fetch my phone and drop it in my lap, he decided to do it spontaneously. Too bad I was in the bath at the time. There goes a $300 phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2013 06:29 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at a restaurant, I happily watched as my boyfriend of three years got down on his knees and proposed to me. Before I could say yes and hug him, a girl flung herself at him, kissed him and shouted, "Yes!" With us still highly confused, she then ran away. FML

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By =( - 5/4/2014 17:48 - United States - Houston

Today, I had to tell my ex that I'm pregnant with his baby. I sent him a casual "Hey :)" text to try to ease into things. He replied, "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?" and ended up threatening to make my life hell if I don't tell my new boyfriend that the child is his. FML

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By kelly - 21/3/2011 07:07 - Estonia

Today, I called my mom to tell her that I'm coming over for a visit. She answered: 'Why? What do you need? Food? Money? I'm not going to help you! You're a grown woman!' And she hung up. I just found out that I'm pregnant and she was the first person I wanted to share it with. FML

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By missingcharlie - 17/8/2009 02:45 - United States

Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2018 15:00

Today, as I was perusing old photos with my mother, I found one of her with a "childhood friend" at her wedding to my dad. Now I know where my green eyes and blotchy neck birthmark came from, and it's not from the man I’ve been calling "dad" for 40 years. FML

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By Sua - 19/9/2013 06:15 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my English teacher handed back my creative story assignment with a 74% on it. Apparently, she docked 10% because I had an unrealistic, overly dramatic plot line. That plot line was based on my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 19:51 - United Kingdom

Today, after having a shower, I walked back into my room butt naked. As I looked up I saw the window cleaner staring right at me. I looked. He looked. And without thinking I dropped straight to the floor to hid myself, then realized my naked butt was still staring right at him. FML

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By alex - 24/2/2012 21:35 - United States

Today, I tried to make a rocket, using Diet Coke and Mentos. It worked pretty well, as both the kitchen window and my chipped tooth can testify. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 03:04 - United States

Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2009 11:05 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that." FML

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By Screwed - 7/6/2014 13:31 - Australia

Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 23:02 - Canada

Today, I wrote to the guy whom I am in love with how I feel about him. He was very calm and told me to give him some time to think it over. Later in the day, I found out he blocked my number and rejected me on facebook. But, the worse part is he then texted me saying "This is my reply". FML

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Top comments

By wtfuckery | 0

#154757 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 22:59

Oh man, that sucks...for both of you, but for her, mostly. Damn!

By tehhotness | 0

#154826 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:15

did you pull your shirt over your head and run around doing the classic soccer airplane celebration?

Comments

By wtfuckery | 0

#154757 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 22:59

Oh man, that sucks...for both of you, but for her, mostly. Damn!

noah1213 | 0

#988501 - Wednesday 5 May 2010 5:03

today a guy I liked kicked a soccer ball into my face. in an attempt to help me up he kicked again......... into my face..FML

phreshboi | 1

#989225 - Saturday 8 May 2010 1:18

man you must really suck at soccer

fmylife1133249 | 1

#1038143 - Monday 21 June 2010 17:22

or really good

Technocidal | 0

#1349376 - Saturday 4 September 2010 9:29

cockblocked by a soccer ball

changesinme | 0

#1507908 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 18:05

look at the bright side, she got hit by your balls instead of another dude's

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#154762 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:00

damn that sucks for her more than for you

By Je_mapelle | 0

#154768 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:02

HAHAHAHA
bad coordination :P

By Dutchie2010 | 0

#154781 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:05

Hahaha this one's my favorite!!!!

Sucks for you though...

By Shadic | 0

#154786 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:06

How would you do that the second time accidentally? Good job with the coordination there.

ScottieZ | 0

#3785923 - Sunday 25 December 2011 11:09

You look like Justin Bieber's dad.

By sinbadmac | 0

#154788 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:06

roflmfao

By were_giraffe | 2

#154794 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:07

don't feel too bad
if she's a serious soccer player she'll be use to getting hit with the ball.

just give her a flower or something

hellokittywhore | 0

#983132 - Thursday 22 April 2010 0:11

or is she's a serious whore shell be used to balls hitting her in the face. lol

By 903texmom1 | 0

#154799 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:08

score!!!

By lazorzpewpew | 0

#154800 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:09

Doubly owned... Excellent! :D

By deaditegirl | 0

#154803 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:09

Suck less.