Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was... - FML

By Damnlife123 - 21/4/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere I say "you're my favorite!". Now I'm sitting here talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML

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Understandable

This is us

Emergency haircut

By well, now what - 12/12/2014 14:39 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after he received a text with a bunch of hearts on it. After arguing, turns out it was from me. FML

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By Kagura - 2/6/2010 15:05 - Turkey

Today, I went shopping with my mother. I needed to use the toilet, so entered a restaurant. After I left the toilet, my mother, who was near the restaurant's entrance, called out and asked: "Did you flush it?" Everyone heard her. And I'm 22 years old. FML

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By thatsucks - 28/2/2016 20:49 - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my housemate used a dry vacuum to unclog the toilet before moving out and then didn't change the vacuum bag. He left several weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2014 06:06 - United States - Eugene

Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML

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By idontmakethedresscode - 23/10/2015 08:17 - United States - Napa

Today, my classmate went into rage mode and cursed at me, complaining how it's so unfair that I'm allowed to wear a hijab in class but she isn't allowed to wear a Flamingo hat. FML

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By cookyourowndamndinner - 17/4/2017 06:00 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my roommates sat me down and said we need to have a serious chat. I was worried, until they asked me if I could quit my new night job. When I asked why, they said it was because I wasn't home anymore to cook them dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 05:00

Father of the year

Today, I realised that anyone who claims they enjoyed spending quality time together with their spouse and children during quarantine is a liar, a big fat liar. I know my kids aren’t even 10 yet, but god, I can’t wait for them to get houses of their own and move the fuck out. FML

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By B - 18/4/2011 08:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be funny to tickle my daughter's foot, which she hates. One bloody nose, multiple scratches and 4 toe-shaped bruises later, she's the one laughing. FML

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By brokennose - 26/8/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

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By captfml - 15/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn't notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

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By teapotrevolt - 2/3/2015 20:40 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2009 16:46 - Egypt

Today, the man I was going to dinner with got me the most expensive necklace. We got to the table he had reserved when his friend comes and sits with us. Somehow the subject of getting it on comes up. My date then says "expensive jewelry - one way ticket to her pants". FML

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By JTBastry - 30/4/2018 19:00

Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML

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By luckygirl - 6/6/2019 12:09

Today, I have a bad cold, so I've been carrying tissues around with me. I noticed our puppy had pooped on the floor, so I grabbed a napkin and cleaned it up, then threw it away. I then blew my nose with my tissue. Apparently, I threw away my tissue and used the napkin. FML

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By clean - 16/9/2013 07:51 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML

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By BrokenAndHurt - 24/5/2016 12:28 - United States - Gilmanton

Today, my best friend decided to make some life changes. He got a new job, a new car, and asked me to move out of our apartment. We're 1,500 miles away from my hometown. I only moved all the way out here to live with him in the first place because he asked me to. FML

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By Cristie - 30/9/2011 05:01 - Canada

Today, as I was training a new guy at work, my husband spent half the day creeping outside in his truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 05:29 - Australia - Perth

Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML

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By Carrie - 3/3/2010 13:21 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy I met online. After 30 minutes, he abruptly stands up and says he has to leave. He practically ran out of Starbucks to get away from me. FML

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By Mandy - 1/3/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I was drunk at my nan's birthday party. My boyfriend texted me asking if I could go out, to which I replied "No, I'm at my nan's house." He then dumped me, calling me a 'cheating whore.' I was confused, until I realised I'd misspelt nan and said "No, I'm at my man's house." FML

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By Kim422 - 28/6/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I gave the toast at my sister's wedding which was outside. Before I started, the wind blew up my dress and wouldn't let up. Instead of giving my heartfelt speech, I spent five minutes fighting with my dress as 130 people pointed at my floral-printed underwear and laughed loudly. FML

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By brokenhearted - 19/1/2016 14:59 - Sweden - Kung?lv

Today, I told my boyfriend he's the only good thing left in my life. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic, he said, and ended up breaking up with me. FML

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By kittyslayer - 15/12/2011 02:46 - United States

Today, my landlord came and beat on my door demanding the rent check. I just got home from a trip and my wife was supposed to pay it while I was away. What happened to the money? Black Friday. FML

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By MikeMoosey - 30/12/2009 18:00 - United States

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

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By UnknownOperation - 4/9/2012 13:51 - United States - Washington

Today, I finally decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. Surprisingly, he and my father already knew each other, so I asked him how they met. Now I know where my boyfriend gets all his weed. FML

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By MomStayOutOfTheCar - 4/8/2015 04:23 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for "suspicious driving" because my total shit of a mother kept tugging on the wheel to annoy me, and I still had to pay it. FML

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By octoberrain - 12/10/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor was leaving the parking lot, and stopped to wave. I smiled and waved back, only to realize that she was saying goodbye to her cat, who was sitting in the window. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2016 10:05

Today, my girlfriend contacted me. She said she'd thought over her feelings over our temporary break in the relationship, and she wanted to try again. Being my stupid, self-loathing self, I asked her so many questions on if she was sure or not that she went back into doubt and revoked the offer. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 09:09 - United States - East Carondelet

Today, I'm babysitting for kids whose parents said they would be back by 12. Its 4am and they still aren't home. I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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By Agirl - 25/10/2012 23:44 - United States - El Cerrito

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

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By embarrassed4life - 25/6/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when the girl in the stall next to me started asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was weird but not wanting to be rude, I answered her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on, the girl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML

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By kat - 21/2/2012 09:53 - Reserved

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML

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By revalc - 16/8/2009 04:35 - Canada

Today, I'm having my housewarming party and had prepared food, drink and games for all the 19 confirmed guests on Facebook. I waited till 11 but nobody showed up. I checked Facebook again and realized I had accidentally put tomorrow as the party date. I have to work the whole day tomorrow. FML

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By He Hates Me... - 21/10/2015 00:15 - United States - Ogden

Today, I'm in my third week at a new job. Using an online service our company recommends, I accidentally downloaded a virus that is now working its way through our website, randomly sending our customers Viagra ads via our email. I personally had to tell the founder of the company. FML

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By why... - 5/6/2012 17:21 - United States - East Orange

Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML

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By hoboman - 2/9/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I was turned down from my dream job at a graphic design firm. Before the interview, concerned about my hobo style would not impress the company, I shaved, cut my long hair, and even bought a suit. They said I wasn't "free-spirited and creative enough." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 14:58 - Canada

Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML

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By RollieCollieUSA - 30/1/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her itunes was on random. "Rape me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML

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By HGTV - 1/10/2013 18:43 - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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Top comments

By tomilalala | 0

#129122 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:11

Hahaha
You should, as a parent, know that you're never allowed to say that sentence, dear

By xxwilkywayxx | 0

#129224 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 13:03

Today, I was hanging out with my mother, older brother, and my newborn baby brother. I had been feeling upset and depressed about the new baby because I felt I would be overshadowed by him and I would get no attention. My mother assured me this would not happen and I accepted it. Then she told my baby brother that he was "her favorite." My depression just increased two-fold. FML.

Comments

By tomilalala | 0

#129122 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:11

Hahaha
You should, as a parent, know that you're never allowed to say that sentence, dear

Reply

gomego87 | 0

#942635 - Saturday 13 March 2010 16:58

So what if he's your favourite...?

Reply

DamnDatFML | 0

#976844 - Friday 9 April 2010 12:57

In Soviet Russia, kids learn not to tlk to daddy

Reply

livgasms | 4

#2744974 - Friday 24 June 2011 0:21

her kids will already be feeling crummy that the new baby is getting all their mum's attention, and then she comes out with something like that? you can understand why they'd be pissed.

Reply

Crunch_Captain | 1

#2924649 - Monday 18 July 2011 21:50

that's like totally fucked up.... sometimes that sentence can make kid depressed which can sometimes make them rebel against you.... later on in the years don't wonder why your Kids are rebelling you'll know the answer

Reply

ashlyn_is_here | 8

#5580268 - Sunday 14 July 2013 21:48

That's way too dramatic 228. She said it once on accident. I understand why her kids are hurt, but it shouldn't alter their lives. It might hurt for a month or so.

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#5657933 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 6:28

248, it could happen. I'm the eldest and if my mom said that to my brother I wouldn't want to talk to.her, either.

Reply

j_729 | 18

#5683925 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:50

Older siblings (like myself) get used to things like obvious favoritism, but that would piss me off

Reply

hannah341 | 10

#5821112 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 18:54

It's allowed if it's an only child or if you say 'your one of my 3 favourite children'. I'm sure it was accidental but OP YDI

By icyblux3 | 0

#129143 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:21

Well, YDI. You shouldn't have said that.

Reply

Crazyjoe33 | 6

#2311825 - Friday 8 April 2011 2:28

rigth

By Dabookofnothing | 0

#129146 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:22

YDI seriously even if it was on accident wow.....

Reply

fatty_mcfathead | 0

#4143760 - Saturday 10 March 2012 10:09

It's not that big of a deal. I grew up with that phrase passed around between myself and siblings..... It's just a joke. She clearly didn't mean it.

Reply

XQuartzX | 15

#6124891 - Saturday 22 November 2014 0:55

I don't think kids really understand the meaning of "joke" even if it was an accident or on purpose

By worstlifevuh | 0

#129148 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:22

...You have two other children, and you're just now finding out how wrong it is to say that? I can tell someone is certainly not fit to be a parent..

Reply

kyliebear | 15

#5012621 - Saturday 6 October 2012 20:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By J_a_s_m_i_n_e | 0

#129177 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:33

Ohhh, sorry, it's more like fuck their lives, YDI..

By hk_fml | 9

#129186 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:43

You deserved it!
xD I'd be pissed if my mother said that to my brother.

you should've known better as a parent not to say something like that

Reply

joanjett | 0

#1310333 - Saturday 28 August 2010 0:03

My dad always says I'm his favorite. It doesn't bother my brother a bit even when I tell him he's adopted (which he's not).

Reply

oelfke | 5

#2530617 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:30

well thats a dick move on your part

By stickhed51396 | 0

#129206 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:54

you deserve it!!!! you can never say that!!!!! you need to learn something about parenting and i would think that your other kids would never talk to you. geez get a parenting book or something!

Reply

jskibabe22 | 4

#1712644 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 5:39

lol parenting book

By Bitts | 0

#129212 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:57

You're not my favorite.

Reply

rockintothebeat | 0

#947414 - Sunday 14 March 2010 22:47

yea, because I am.

By startarevolution | 0

#129220 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 13:01

Ouch...

By xxwilkywayxx | 0

#129224 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 13:03

Today, I was hanging out with my mother, older brother, and my newborn baby brother. I had been feeling upset and depressed about the new baby because I felt I would be overshadowed by him and I would get no attention. My mother assured me this would not happen and I accepted it. Then she told my baby brother that he was "her favorite." My depression just increased two-fold. FML.

Reply

lol_urlife_sucks | 0

#546245 - Monday 7 September 2009 20:04

you are my favorite

Reply

dementxrs | 12

#5884303 - Friday 14 March 2014 3:49

and you are my favorite