Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was... - FML

By Damnlife123 - 21/4/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere I say "you're my favorite!". Now I'm sitting here talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML

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Breaking Badly

Gas giant

Grow up

By WhyMe - 20/3/2011 17:42 - United States

Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Thanks for the support!

Today, I told my mom that I struggle with depression. She then told me that she thinks that I always seem to suck the life out of a room. FML

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By Fmyhair - 27/4/2009 18:39 - Norway

Today, I colored my hair. It was supposed to turn out blonde, but it became more a mix of red and brown and blonde patches. When I tried coloring everything back, a green tint was added. My hair is at the moment red, brown, blonde and green. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2016 05:15 - United States - Bronx

Today, my wife said she was going to her friend's place to help her with couponing. She started getting ready at 5pm; shaved her legs, did her hair, put on skin-tight leggings and a low-cut top. Left at 6pm, snuck back in at 2:50am. Shit, couponing must be really exciting. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 14:45 - Norway

Today, my 3 year old kid wanted to do something nice. I told him he could pick up some of his toys. He washed my new Iphone instead. FML

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By happybirthday - 26/9/2011 17:06 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me a Paul Frank t-shirt. It says "I'm single." FML

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By Singlelady - 21/9/2016 19:16 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

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By sleepy momma - 2/6/2013 06:06 - United States - Altoona

Today, after buying 3 new alarm clocks, I finally decided to video tape myself all night to figure out if my alarm clock was broken or if I was oversleeping. Turns out I wake up around 4am each day and turn them off without remembering. FML

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By crinitis - 28/1/2016 16:05 - Canada - Ancaster

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2014 11:35 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

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By reesemaster - 23/11/2010 00:18 - United States

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

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By eric4 - 23/5/2013 20:11 - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, my roommate decided to splash out on a prostitute. When my expensive watch and the contents of my wallet turned up missing in the aftermath, his only comment was, "Shit happens, bro." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2012 21:38 - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

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By Donny - 4/8/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, severely tired and pulling an all-nighter, I was editing documents at work. Eventually the words blurred together and "which" began to look funny, so I corrected them. I realized too late that I'd turned in the company's brochure with every "which" spelt as "witch". FML

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By GGimabeast - 29/7/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 07:42 - United States

Today, a group of carolers was coming up my street, so I went out in the cold to wait for them. When they finally arrived, I waved and greeted them. They huddled up discussing something while pointing at me, then skipped my house. FML

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By kay-z - 21/6/2014 20:32 - United States

Today, my dad heard that the guy who bullied me at school died recently of a drug overdose. For some reason, he thinks we were actually best friends, and thinks I'm doing drugs too. I'm now not allowed out of the house except to go to school. He won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By ToInsecure4me - 10/11/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I had a playing test in orchestra, which I've pracriced over 30 hours for. After I played my part, which I thought I did very well, my teacher asked how much I had practice. Trying to show off, I said "Oh, just 30 minutes." My teacher said "It shows, that was terrible." She was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2017 05:00

Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of d's in my life!". All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML

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By daRN - 2/7/2009 19:34 - Bahrain

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

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By justwantsomeillusionofjustice - 14/8/2017 07:00 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, I stumbled across my school bully on Facebook. She's a successful business owner and engaged to be married. I can't land a job and am hopelessly single. The b***h that served as the catalyst for my depression and suffered no repercussions is getting married on my birthday. FML

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By Username - 5/8/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML

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By vstan - 25/8/2010 00:48 - United States

Today, I swerved off the road and hit a tree in order to avoid hitting a dog that came out of nowhere. Don't worry, I didn't hit him. The person behind me did, though. FML

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By Username - 10/8/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, our AC broke. It's 98 degrees inside the house. My parents will be staying at a 5 star resort until the repairman can come to fix the unit in 6 days. They made me stay home to make sure the plants survive. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 04:37 - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

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By kitty - 11/11/2012 10:10 - Australia

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

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By youmothERFUCKErs - 13/8/2012 17:50 - United States

Today, yet again, I had to dye my hair brown in advance of the new school year, because my school doesn't allow "unapproved" colors, even if they're natural. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 11:28 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

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By ilovepancakes - 20/9/2016 00:29 - United States - Rolling Meadows

Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2018 15:30

Today, I’m almost six weeks pregnant. From exactly ten seconds of penetration. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2012 07:24 - United States - Everett

Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML

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By not mine! - 16/6/2020 05:07

It wasn't me

Today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to break up with my boyfriend and kick him out after his second relapse. A few hours later, I had police banging down my door. To get back at me, my now ex had called the cops and anonymously reported all the drugs he’d hidden around my house. FML

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By Jen - 20/10/2016 16:32

Today, I had to call a customer. I usually try to avoid calling customers because I have a very prominent speech impediment. Well, it turns out the customer I called also has a speech impediment and thought I was mocking her. She hung up on me and filed a formal complaint with my company. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 08:00

Lemon or haunted?

Today, our boiler broke. Yesterday, it was our fridge. The day before that, the deck collapsed, and a few weeks ago the dishwasher flooded the kitchen. This is after we spent a ton of money to have the house gutted due to a mold problem. We only bought the house a year ago, and have lived in it even less. We need to move. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2013 22:39 - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

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By Hornymuch - 2/11/2012 11:35 - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 14:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work, I cringed as I noticed my caveman colleague frantically digging into his nose and then continuing the use of his computer. I work in IT support and will be rebuilding his computer and reinstalling all his applications in 30 minutes time. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year old son comes in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML

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By Panda_Bearr - 3/9/2011 04:33 - United States

Today, it was my last day at my dad's. I thought he'd want to say goodbye, instead he told me, "Hope you've got all your shit. Anything you leave, I'm burning." FML

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Top comments

By tomilalala | 0

#129122 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:11

Hahaha
You should, as a parent, know that you're never allowed to say that sentence, dear

By xxwilkywayxx | 0

#129224 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 13:03

Today, I was hanging out with my mother, older brother, and my newborn baby brother. I had been feeling upset and depressed about the new baby because I felt I would be overshadowed by him and I would get no attention. My mother assured me this would not happen and I accepted it. Then she told my baby brother that he was "her favorite." My depression just increased two-fold. FML.

COMMENTS

By tomilalala | 0

#129122 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:11

Hahaha
You should, as a parent, know that you're never allowed to say that sentence, dear

Reply

gomego87 | 0

#942635 - Saturday 13 March 2010 16:58

So what if he's your favourite...?

Reply

DamnDatFML | 0

#976844 - Friday 9 April 2010 12:57

In Soviet Russia, kids learn not to tlk to daddy

Reply

livgasms | 4

#2744974 - Friday 24 June 2011 0:21

her kids will already be feeling crummy that the new baby is getting all their mum's attention, and then she comes out with something like that? you can understand why they'd be pissed.

Reply

Crunch_Captain | 1

#2924649 - Monday 18 July 2011 21:50

that's like totally fucked up.... sometimes that sentence can make kid depressed which can sometimes make them rebel against you.... later on in the years don't wonder why your Kids are rebelling you'll know the answer

Reply

ashlyn_is_here | 8

#5580268 - Sunday 14 July 2013 21:48

That's way too dramatic 228. She said it once on accident. I understand why her kids are hurt, but it shouldn't alter their lives. It might hurt for a month or so.

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#5657933 - Wednesday 4 September 2013 6:28

248, it could happen. I'm the eldest and if my mom said that to my brother I wouldn't want to talk to.her, either.

Reply

j_729 | 18

#5683925 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:50

Older siblings (like myself) get used to things like obvious favoritism, but that would piss me off

Reply

hannah341 | 10

#5821112 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 18:54

It's allowed if it's an only child or if you say 'your one of my 3 favourite children'. I'm sure it was accidental but OP YDI

By icyblux3 | 0

#129143 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:21

Well, YDI. You shouldn't have said that.

Reply

Crazyjoe33 | 6

#2311825 - Friday 8 April 2011 2:28

rigth

By Dabookofnothing | 0

#129146 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:22

YDI seriously even if it was on accident wow.....

Reply

fatty_mcfathead | 0

#4143760 - Saturday 10 March 2012 10:09

It's not that big of a deal. I grew up with that phrase passed around between myself and siblings..... It's just a joke. She clearly didn't mean it.

Reply

XQuartzX | 15

#6124891 - Saturday 22 November 2014 0:55

I don't think kids really understand the meaning of "joke" even if it was an accident or on purpose

By worstlifevuh | 0

#129148 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:22

...You have two other children, and you're just now finding out how wrong it is to say that? I can tell someone is certainly not fit to be a parent..

Reply

kyliebear | 15

#5012621 - Saturday 6 October 2012 20:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By J_a_s_m_i_n_e | 0

#129177 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:33

Ohhh, sorry, it's more like fuck their lives, YDI..

By hk_fml | 9

#129186 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:43

You deserved it!
xD I'd be pissed if my mother said that to my brother.

you should've known better as a parent not to say something like that

Reply

joanjett | 0

#1310333 - Saturday 28 August 2010 0:03

My dad always says I'm his favorite. It doesn't bother my brother a bit even when I tell him he's adopted (which he's not).

Reply

oelfke | 5

#2530617 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:30

well thats a dick move on your part

By stickhed51396 | 0

#129206 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:54

you deserve it!!!! you can never say that!!!!! you need to learn something about parenting and i would think that your other kids would never talk to you. geez get a parenting book or something!

Reply

jskibabe22 | 4

#1712644 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 5:39

lol parenting book

By Bitts | 0

#129212 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 12:57

You're not my favorite.

Reply

rockintothebeat | 0

#947414 - Sunday 14 March 2010 22:47

yea, because I am.

By startarevolution | 0

#129220 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 13:01

Ouch...

By xxwilkywayxx | 0

#129224 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 13:03

Today, I was hanging out with my mother, older brother, and my newborn baby brother. I had been feeling upset and depressed about the new baby because I felt I would be overshadowed by him and I would get no attention. My mother assured me this would not happen and I accepted it. Then she told my baby brother that he was "her favorite." My depression just increased two-fold. FML.

Reply

lol_urlife_sucks | 0

#546245 - Monday 7 September 2009 20:04

you are my favorite

Reply

dementxrs | 12

#5884303 - Friday 14 March 2014 3:49

and you are my favorite