Miscellaneous: Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 395

You deserved it 105

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 1 370

24/02/2009 22:57

Spicy

Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 202

You deserved it 7 724

Late term

BO Central

Batman

14/03/2009 06:30

Today, I came home a day after my birthday, and was greeted by my mother who told me "oh I have birthday present for you." She explained that she and my father went on a hike, and handed me my present. I got a F*ing stick for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 928

You deserved it 6 308

04/12/2009 01:14

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to a female friend of mine, because I thought they would get along. Apparently they get along better than I expected; she dumped me for the other girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 526

You deserved it 4 339

18/11/2012 22:53

Spicy

Today, I had the best sex of our relationship with my boyfriend. Afterwards, he took off his condom, looked me sweetly in the eyes for a few moments, then decided to slap me in the face with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 313

You deserved it 6 292

21/05/2012 05:28

Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 717

You deserved it 10 800

30/03/2013 05:19

Today, I was on the toilet, when I noticed I could see my daughter dancing in the other room in the mirror, so I took a picture with my phone. After I uploaded it, people pointed out that I was visible in the picture, sitting on the toilet and smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 998

You deserved it 61 663

15/01/2015 21:05

Today, I tried to manscape with some Nair. Nothing helps the pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 640

You deserved it 10 168

16/04/2018 15:00

Today, at my job as a 2nd grade teacher, I was explaining to my students how I'm pregnant and will have to take a break from teaching after I have my baby. One of my students replied with "Ooooooooohhh Ms. Johnson had sex!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 118

You deserved it 820

01/10/2016 09:00

Today, I was with my boyfriend. He got up, shut the blinds and turned around to say, "I don't usually shut the blinds, but no one can see this." Assuming we were going to have sex, I took my pants off. He asked me what I was doing, then sat down to eat an entire tub of ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 983

You deserved it 2 076

12/05/2009 20:56

Today, I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted. Under anesthesia I told the dentist my entire love life and drug history in detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 761

You deserved it 14 971

Gassy

By Anonymous - 06/12/2010 22:53

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 896

You deserved it 9 044

28/11/2008 06:30

Spicy

Today, I haven't had sex for so long that my condoms have gone off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 823

You deserved it 7 569

02/06/2009 11:05

Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 539

You deserved it 5 361

18/08/2009 23:45

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, while we changed positions, he shouts, "Power Rangers - It's Morphin' Time!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 783

You deserved it 12 591

03/07/2013 09:09

Today, the massive bogey that had been dangling precariously from my manager's nose for half an hour finally detached itself. Into my coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 011

You deserved it 5 289

01/10/2011 02:57

Today, I was trying to find my first message on Facebook. When I was reaching the bottom, I saw a message from my old crush. It contained a paragraph confessing her love for me and asking me to write back. Don't know how I missed that one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 044

You deserved it 7 767

28/07/2016 13:49

Spicy

Today, my husband and I had our first prenatal appointment. My doctor told us we shouldn't have sex during the first trimester, "just to be safe". He has no evidence to back this, but now my husband is too scared to touch me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 186

You deserved it 1 606

Double trouble

By idiot - 28/06/2020 08:07

Today, I was sitting on my bike texting when someone snatched my phone and ran. Like an idiot, I jumped off my bike and ran after him. He then ran in a big circle, got on my bike and sped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 1 557

06/10/2013 17:13

Today, I woke up to my creepy new roommate licking my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 319

You deserved it 3 877

18/03/2010 05:18

Today, I finally realized that the only time my mother talks to me is when she needs money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 350

You deserved it 3 203

25/08/2011 05:26

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my new college roommate holding his cock. He said "Hi I'm Jeffrey, and this is Jeffrey junior" while directing attention towards his penis. It's going to be a long semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 229

You deserved it 3 014

05/03/2009 00:04

Today, my wife and I were driving to the gas station, she let me out before she pulled up to the pumps because I had to buy some things from the store. I returned to see my wife proudly filling the tank. Smiling, she told me that diesel was cheaper than regular gas. We don't own a diesel car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 212

You deserved it 8 759

22/03/2012 20:17

Today, I twisted my ankle during a round of golf, after trying to do a fancy jumping high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 227

You deserved it 26 072

11/08/2015 23:05

Today, my lazy bastard of a co-worker punched me straight in the jaw because he didn't get the promotion I did. Being his new manager, I fired him. A few hours later, I was fired for "abusing" my power. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 340

You deserved it 3 122

01/01/2010 19:14

Today, I had to go to the hospital. While I was there, my mom started hitting on a doctor. Later I saw them making out in the room next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 970

You deserved it 2 646

Words which could only be your own

By kickout - 11/07/2021 19:59

Today, after I'd being sick all day, my boyfriend volunteered to do my very long sociology paper. I was later been notified by my professor that the paper I'd submitted was completely plagiarized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 267

You deserved it 1 697

19/11/2009 01:30

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 941

You deserved it 2 477

02/01/2013 15:01

Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 980

You deserved it 46 661

Just a prank, dad

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 17:01

Today, my son got drunk and managed to colour in my bald patch with permanent marker while I was asleep. It’s super noticeable and I look like a complete prat. Plus in a few hours, I’m supposed to be on my first date since my divorce 12 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 145

31/01/2013 20:27

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 052

You deserved it 2 471

31/10/2014 12:05

Today, I woke up really early to get ready for an interview. I guess it was too early because my mom thought someone broke into our house and now I have two bruised ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 840

You deserved it 2 757

Zedonging intensifies

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 23:00

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 90

14/04/2013 01:14

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 902

You deserved it 8 322

30/03/2012 19:13

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 993

You deserved it 73 856

20/05/2009 20:01

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 470

You deserved it 4 069

23/11/2012 15:56

Today, while at school, a bra fell out of my coat. After the initial shock, people started congratulating me on finally getting a girlfriend. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was my mom's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 667

You deserved it 3 811

26/12/2014 19:28

Today, I had to drive my husband to hospital after he tried to burn his pubes off with a lighter as part of a bet. On the upside, he probably won't be bugging me for sex for a while. On the downside, I'm married to a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 296

You deserved it 5 622

24/01/2013 00:17

Today, I made my first snowman ever, and then cried when my big brother kicked it to pieces. I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 002

You deserved it 10 350

23/05/2012 06:13

Today, we got a call that my brother stuck a rock up his nose and couldn't get it out. My mom had to pick him up and take him to the hospital. My brother is 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 326

You deserved it 2 129

10/03/2016 00:01

Today, I've been so accustomed to kissing my girlfriend that when I gave my best bud a hug, I kissed him on the neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 344

You deserved it 7 425

22/01/2011 05:36

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house and had to go to the bathroom. While peeing, I had a cough attack. The cough shook my body, making me pee all over my pants. My girlfriend's parents just arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 060

You deserved it 4 679

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Top comments

holynemesis1208 3

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:13

anything that starts with, when i pissing in a urinal, you know it's gonna be a good story.

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:36

Today, I was peeing in a urinal when this guy next to me decided to sneeze ...and use me as his urinal. FML

Comments

holynemesis1208 3

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:13

anything that starts with, when i pissing in a urinal, you know it's gonna be a good story.

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Tuesday 23 February 2010 21:16

best fml ever! hahaha

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Monday 9 August 2010 3:32

thats more of an fml for the other guy lol

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Wednesday 25 August 2010 5:35

today, the idiot next to me hit his head and pissed all over me. FML. lmao

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 3:56

"I was pissing in a urinal" because no good story starts with "so I was eating a salad..." haha

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Friday 16 August 2013 11:49

Except for the OP. ;)

xxrogerthatxx 19

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Thursday 7 November 2013 20:46

I would've beat his ass if he pissed on me

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Friday 18 July 2014 18:23

No you wouldn't of

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:14

true!

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:16

I want to see this for some reason... anyone want to start a comedy sketch show based on stories from FML?

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Monday 28 March 2011 7:30

that'd be pretty awesome. I mean they have one for YouTube videos, so why not FMLs?

Dayen 0

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:20

#1 hahaha, funny comment. did the guy next to you understand? I wouldn't want to be peed on, I would be ticked off but I would at least understand the situation better after this explanation.

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:26

haha great idea #5

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:26

HAHAHA. Sorry, but....yeah.

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:36

Today, I was peeing in a urinal when this guy next to me decided to sneeze ...and use me as his urinal. FML

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:38

hahaha, sorry, that's too great xD

mleeb 0

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:45

I'm usually an a-hole when it comes to commenting, but this just sucks. So long as I wasn't wearing something white, so the yellow showed up, I'd be able to excuse it. I'd probably just laugh it off.

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Sunday 29 January 2012 3:36

It would probably smell though.

Herbs_Special 0

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 2:10

Too many sneezing incidents here lately....................