Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze.... - FML

By iliketurtles - 24/2/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

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Ungrateful

The past that suits you best

TMI

By Anonymous - 14/6/2019 00:01

Today, I gave my name for a lunch order, I even spelled it out for the cashier. When my food was ready, they screamed "Labia," in the restaurant full of people. My name is Nadia. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2014 06:08 - United States

Today, I had a spur of the moment idea to go have my nose pierced. The piercer made sure to tell me how easily the little stud could get caught or hung up. I spent all day stressing over it only to scratch my nose and rip it out. Now I have a $40 bleeding hole in my nose. FML

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By moikristine - 21/5/2013 10:24 - Norway - Fagerstrand

Today, I got an email saying the gift I'd ordered for my boyfriend of three years had been sent. I ordered it a couple of days ago because I thought he needed cheering up. I guess he found a better way of doing so himself; he broke up with me yesterday. FML

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By helen_ - 23/4/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I had to go to my 10 year old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face , "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

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By selfishsexysanta - 24/12/2012 18:06 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By BeastieHouse - 14/2/2019 00:00

Today, I dropped a brand new jar of molasses into the corner of my completely white kitchen. FML

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By ouch - 1/9/2010 13:50 - Belgium

Today, I was in the airport after saying goodbye to my boyfriend who left for three months. Walking back to my car, I saw a young couple kissing passionately. If that wasn't bad enough, the guy then picked his girlfriend up, spun her round in the air and her foot kicked me square in the jaw. FML

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By how many?! - 22/8/2019 00:01

Today, a woman contacted me because she thinks my daughter and her children are half siblings. I thought it was a scam until she sent me a picture of my estranged ex and her kids, who look almost identical to mine. I’m the eighth woman she's contacted so far, with who knows how many more to go. FML

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By lamelifeguard - 19/4/2013 05:07 - United States - Morrison

Today, someone at my workplace yelled at me and filed a complaint for staring at them too often. I'm a lifeguard. FML

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By ParanoidFreak - 31/12/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2015 03:53 - United States

Today, I found out my babysitter has been selling the breastmilk I produce for my baby and replacing it with formula, while still taking my money every week. FML

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By breakfast tea - 7/4/2012 19:30 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I was escorted out of the building for getting in a scuffle at my anger management class. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 13:30

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

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By - 27/2/2020 18:00

Not really a good idea

Today, I decide to let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life, then a few days after we used melted chocolate I got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

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By it_IS_just_me - 17/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

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By stephhh055 - 21/10/2019 16:00 - United States - Portland

Valid reason

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend for the first time, he told me he wanted to break up. He told me my orgasm face wasn't something he could put up with. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2010 06:36 - United States

Today, I was babysitting to make a few extra dollars. While changing one of the kid's diapers, I turned around to find the other kid gone. I turned back around frantically, only to get poop flung at my face. I guess I found him. FML

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By heheheh - 22/8/2011 06:43 - Canada

Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2012 15:45 - Reserved

Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML

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By woundedexwife - 16/1/2010 01:22 - United States

Today, I realized why my husband had been seemingly wanting to improve our relationship by sending little texts throughout the day for the last couple of months, asking what I was doing. It was so he could find out when would be the best time to have his girlfriend over and cheat on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had a rehearsal for a musical I'm in. I've worked my arse off to get the songs I sing in place and sounding good. Unfortunately, my coworkers haven't. Now the director wants to cut the songs I'm in because, "the people you're working with make you look shit." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I invited over 30 people to come to the park with me since the day was nice and cool. I sat there for three hours by myself. FML

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By Victoria - 12/7/2016 14:10

Today, my mother still refuses to acknowledge my son as her grandson, all because I had a C-section, which she says is unnatural and against God's will. I only had the C-section in the first place for health reasons. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 21:08 - Israel - Tel Aviv

The Final Countdown

Today, I found out that I have three weeks to get better at my shitty job before we start discussing my "future" with the company. FML

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By Walking in a Winter Wonderland - 12/9/2016 10:51 - United States - Jupiter

Today, my dandruff got so bad that when I sneezed on the bus, it created a "blizzard" of dandruff, covering me, and two others in it. I'm now known as "Winter Wonderland". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2013 16:52 - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By lion2294 - 5/3/2015 09:19 - United States - Laingsburg

Today, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't stop looking at my phone while working. I work in the back room, and there is no clock in there. I look at my phone to check the time. That way I know how long I have left in that hellhole. FML

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By fecurtis - 22/1/2009 14:38 - United States

Today, I thought it'd be cool and trendy to buy a Blackberry Storm. FML

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By crippled shopper - 27/1/2013 05:23 - United States - Streamwood

Today, I went shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the crowd. Having recently had surgery on my knee, I used an electric scooter to shop. The scooter died in the middle of the store. No one was around to help me. FML

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By exalia - 7/5/2012 20:40 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally bought a car, after saving up for a year. My dealer had told me it was a good buy, so I snapped it up then and there. On the way home, the rear axle practically fell out of the car due to frame rot. My dealer wants to buy the car back at half the price. FML

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By Samyett - 9/2/2011 19:22 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape; his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

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By please knock - 13/9/2016 23:26 - United States - Needham

Today, I went in the one-person bathroom at work to pee. Next thing I know, a woman forced the locked door open and walked in on me, because she didn't believe another person who said, "I think someone is in there." I'm reluctant to use that bathroom in the future. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2014 22:54 - United States - Stockton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that using a wired connection instead of wifi won't stop his computer from getting viruses. He looked at me, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, like he was a 13-year-old boy and I was a pair of tits. Then he called me clueless and told me to get back to work. FML

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By David - 8/11/2012 05:43 - United States - Seattle

Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML

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By iamgodzilla - 14/5/2015 02:55 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got a friend request on Facebook. It's from the person who crashed into my car earlier in the month. It's funny that she doesn't return my calls or messages, but liked my status about the accident. FML

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By onepussytwopussy - 7/3/2014 19:47 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 21:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML

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By Lotz - 29/8/2018 14:30

Today, I found out that my sister has been stealing money from me. My parents won't do anything because there's "no evidence it was her". She's the only one in this house that spends regularly and has opportunities to take it while no one's around. FML

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By pretty princess - 1/2/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

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Top comments

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#6748 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:13

anything that starts with, when i pissing in a urinal, you know it's gonna be a good story.

By drybamboo | 0

#6772 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:36

Today, I was peeing in a urinal when this guy next to me decided to sneeze ...and use me as his urinal. FML

COMMENTS

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#6748 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:13

anything that starts with, when i pissing in a urinal, you know it's gonna be a good story.

Reply

Darraghscoot | 0

#886107 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 21:16

best fml ever! hahaha

Reply

evanking | 0

#1210228 - Monday 9 August 2010 3:32

thats more of an fml for the other guy lol

Reply

fishsmash | 0

#1298070 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 5:35

today, the idiot next to me hit his head and pissed all over me. FML. lmao

Reply

crazy4uboi | 6

#5313738 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 3:56

"I was pissing in a urinal" because no good story starts with "so I was eating a salad..." haha

Reply

corocoro | 30

#5630102 - Friday 16 August 2013 11:49

Except for the OP. ;)

Reply

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#5745924 - Thursday 7 November 2013 20:46

I would've beat his ass if he pissed on me

Reply

tweek182 | 6

#6011486 - Friday 18 July 2014 18:23

No you wouldn't of

By blackberry92 | 0

#6749 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:14

true!

By Petrov1989 | 0

#6754 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:16

I want to see this for some reason... anyone want to start a comedy sketch show based on stories from FML?

Reply

anon2468 | 0

#2254000 - Monday 28 March 2011 7:30

that'd be pretty awesome. I mean they have one for YouTube videos, so why not FMLs?

By Dayen | 0

#6758 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:20

#1 hahaha, funny comment.

did the guy next to you understand? I wouldn't want to be peed on, I would be ticked off but I would at least understand the situation better after this explanation.

By dang_fml | 0

#6765 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:26

haha great idea #5

By PureGold | 0

#6766 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:26

HAHAHA. Sorry, but....yeah.

By drybamboo | 0

#6772 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:36

Today, I was peeing in a urinal when this guy next to me decided to sneeze ...and use me as his urinal. FML

By d00d_c0m3_0n | 0

#6774 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:38

hahaha, sorry, that's too great xD

By mleeb | 0

#6785 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:45

I'm usually an a-hole when it comes to commenting, but this just sucks. So long as I wasn't wearing something white, so the yellow showed up, I'd be able to excuse it. I'd probably just laugh it off.

Reply

Chixken | 6

#3959671 - Sunday 29 January 2012 3:36

It would probably smell though.

By Herbs_Special | 0

#6808 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 2:10

Too many sneezing incidents here lately....................