Today, I was performing for a fairly large crowd with my band.... - FML

By MarsMayFall - 12/9/2016 09:56 - United States

Today, I was performing for a fairly large crowd with my band. I decided it would look cool to stand on one of the speakers and sing from there. It did look pretty cool for a bit until I tried to step off and fell face-first on the floor mid-song. FML

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You can't win sometimes

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Don't give up

By volleyballgirl12 - 17/1/2010 06:31 - France

Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML

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By K-Rat - 9/10/2016 12:16 - United States

Today, my cat loves to chase birds. In fact, he loves it so much, he ran out of the litter box mid-poop to chase one, forcing me to wipe his ass. FML

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By H1dd3n - 1/6/2013 23:31 - United States - La Quinta

Today, I found out that my parents were artists when they met. My mom said that I was one of their best projects yet. My sister, hearing what my mother said, broke my week-old PS3 in a rage. FML

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By - 1/1/2009 03:45 - France

Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML

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By XavierLing - 23/7/2019 06:00

Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML

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By ol faithful - 3/9/2011 09:24 - Canada

Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML

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By justagirl - 21/12/2019 14:00

Fatherlessness

Today, my ex started to talk to me again after 3 years. I've been in an amazing relationship for the last 2 years. She let me know she is taking me to court for child support. I didn't even know I had a kid. FML

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By whovian221b - 25/8/2015 22:46 - United States

Today, after coming home from the hospital after I fractured my foot, I fell in the bathroom and dislocated my wrist. The ER doctor couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 19:11 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I found out that if I say "make a sandwich", it doesn't matter what context it's in, or whether it's a command or just me describing my day; I'll be yelled at anyway by my hipster roommate for being a "sexist cunt", then end up apologizing just to get her to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 18:48 - Belize - Belize City

Today, I finally found a place to stay after being kicked out by my parents. The psycho owner waited till now to tell me that my bathroom door will remain locked at all times, and that whenever I want to go in there, I have to ask him to unlock it, then do my business while he waits outside. FML

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By AmySweet - 18/8/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a cinnamon roll because my blood sugar was dangerously low. My first bite was easily the most delicious thing I'd eaten since getting pregnant. As I sat in frosting coated ecstasy, my husband snatched up the rest of the pastry and finished it himself. FML

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By Creeped Out - 29/5/2017 18:00

Today, I went to the grocery store. As I was checking out, I went to grab the same item that the cashier was reaching for. He brushed my hand. He then both watched me creepily and asked my what lotion I used to make my hands so soft. When I left, he said, "I'll dream of you." FML

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By santabelly - 2/12/2016 04:44

Today, I was trying to use the video editing software on my computer for a group project. It then wanted me to purchase another program that cost over $130. One of my teammates told me to buy it, because, "I could afford to skip a few lunches." FML

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By whereismyring - 28/3/2016 00:47 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex-boyfriend announced he was engaged. We broke up last night. FML

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By Pierced - 30/5/2017 18:00

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I was driving to work. I saw a cute boy in the car next to me. To try and look cool, I pretended I was talking on my cell phone. I got pulled over and got a ticket for using my cell phone while driving. FML

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By candice - 1/11/2011 09:09 - Reserved

Today, I had to tell all the trick-or-treaters that I'd run out of candy. I'd actually bought about $50 worth of candy, but managed to eat all of it by myself, sitting alone in my apartment, exactly like last year. FML

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By melmel - 5/5/2014 05:07 - United States - Cumming

Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By kittyjoe - 8/8/2019 16:00 - Australia

Today, while feeling sorry for myself that I can't find a guy, a girl on the talk show I was watching said, "You're never gonna find a guy sitting at home in your jammies with the cat." I'm sitting at home in my jammies with the cat. FML

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By evilwater - 15/7/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

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By Not Again! - 14/6/2019 04:16

Today, while riding a massive draft horse, the horse thought it would be fun to walk under a very low apple tree that sat level with his back. A branch hit me and made me fall off onto a coil of barbed wire, twisting my ankle in the process. FML

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By Shitmetalseller - 2/8/2014 22:37 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I managed to not laugh as a potential high-profile Italian client with a heavy accent repeatedly pronounced "sheet metal" as "shit metal". Unfortunately, my boss and a senior colleague couldn't contain their own laughter. We lost that deal, and our jobs are now endangered. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 08:12 - United States

Today, I broke my right leg. I've had one shot of morphine, and even that only relieved the pain a little. It's now totally worn off and I have yet to get pain medication of any kind. My leg has been broken for over nine hours now. FML

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By climber - 21/4/2017 20:00

Today, after climbing 8 flight of stairs due to electricity outage, I got to work only to find the office locked. FML

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By JBK06262009 - 12/11/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, I was informed by my boss that he has been stealing quarters out of my change bowl to pay for his bus rides. He makes six times the amount I make. FML

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By roadbikemama - 25/10/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was cooking. I leaned over the stove to preheat the oven, and burned my nipple on a pot of boiling water. I also have a teething son who is breastfeeding. FML

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By Ouchies - 1/10/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, while cleaning up, I dropped a box of thumbtacks, spilling them all over the floor. As I fumbled to pick them up, the power went out. FML

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By Luckless - 23/2/2019 04:00

Today, I'm preparing my defense for allegedly stalking someone at work. The best part, I have absolutely no clue who it is. Now my skin is crawling as I go through all the messages and in person events that occurred with my actual twice-my-age stalker to show my boss what a real stalker does. FML

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By Thomas - 21/12/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my business is doing so badly that people are teaching their kids to drive in the empty parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2012 20:10 - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2012 04:51 - United States

Today, my five-year-old told me she had accidentally swallowed a thumbtack. In panic mode we raced to the ER. With no insurance. Only after the tests, examinations and X-rays did she tell me was "just joking." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

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By Happyunlucky - 20/7/2013 06:31 - United States - Andover

Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML

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By Reaper - 22/2/2009 10:01 - South Africa

Today, after weeks of agonising, I told my best friend (who I am madly in love with) that I love her. She said: "me too, you're like a brother and a best girlfriend rolled into one!" FML

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By Gray_Kitty - 17/9/2016 19:34 - United States - Omaha

Today, a woman came in to order lunch. She ordered a sandwich then asked for me to configure it precisely to her complicated desires. This took a whole 5 minutes, during the lunch rush. When I told her the cost, she decided it was too expensive and cancelled her order. FML

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By superb12345 - 12/5/2016 02:50 - United States - Cascade

Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML

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By aloha - 12/3/2010 21:17 - France

Today, I landed in Hawaii for my vacation. I have a really bad ear infection, and to top my day off, my girlfriend blurted out mid-flight that she thinks we're not going to work out. Aloha! FML

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By Spiller - 17/11/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, I took the bus to work. I was exhausted and had a big mug of coffee. Half asleep and thinking I was in my car, I reached forward to put it in the "cup holder" during the ride. When I let go, I poured hot coffee not only all over myself, but also on the large, angry-looking man next to me. FML

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By Lil Bro - 17/7/2016 02:05 - United Kingdom - Smethwick

Today, after months of trying to make my girlfriend orgasm, she finally did. It was with my brother. I'll definitely knock next time. FML

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By sorry, kiddo - 30/6/2013 21:44 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was explaining to my son that porn isn't a realistic depiction of sex. Just as I finished explaining to him that threesomes rarely happen in real life, he started crying. I feel like a dream-crushing monster. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6688222 - Monday 12 September 2016 18:03

"It's not my favorite song, but it's so sweet when the bassist drops."

"It's 'when the bass drops'."

"No, it isn't."

By Wizardo | 33

#6688218 - Monday 12 September 2016 17:56

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

Comments

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6688209 - Monday 12 September 2016 17:51

Well, that's one way to stage dive!

By shiba10 | 26

#6688210 - Monday 12 September 2016 17:52

Should have jumped into the audience for a crowd surf, would've looked hella cooler than hitting the mud haha

By Welshite | 39

#6688213 - Monday 12 September 2016 17:53

You sure showed those headbangers how it's really done.

By stryder9090 | 28

#6688215 - Monday 12 September 2016 17:53

This is how Drowning Pool was inspired to write "Bodies"

By Wizardo | 33

#6688218 - Monday 12 September 2016 17:56

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

Reply

Miss_Whipped | 42

#6688337 - Monday 12 September 2016 21:36

*throat-splitting roar*

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6689779 - Thursday 15 September 2016 0:51

FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOR

By Tripartita | 44

#6688222 - Monday 12 September 2016 18:03

"It's not my favorite song, but it's so sweet when the bassist drops."

"It's 'when the bass drops'."

"No, it isn't."

Reply

flammaefata | 20

#6688528 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 9:25

What's your day job? I'm feeling this level of constant creativity hopefully is recognised in your 9-5 as well :P

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6688794 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 18:32

I'm a graphic design student, so creativity is a big part of it. I wish the design process was as easy as posting a few comments similar in length to a tweet.

By Wutdafuqq | 24

#6688224 - Monday 12 September 2016 18:10

Nothing screams metal like self inflicted injury!

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6688231 - Monday 12 September 2016 18:33

The price of rock and roll...

By Lorex | 13

#6688250 - Monday 12 September 2016 19:22

Done something similar I threw drum sticks high in the air it hit a ceiling fan and hit a girl in the face... No regrets!

By zaidthunder1 | 27

#6688258 - Monday 12 September 2016 19:35

I hope you didn't break your nose.