Animals: Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar... - FML

By DisgustingCreatures - United States - Houston

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13506

You deserved it

1141

Tweet

Share

This Charming Man

Triage

They're all eggheads to me

By sisterly love - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my sister admitted to selling pages of my diary to my old boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50108

You deserved it

4135

Tweet

Share

By Charlotte

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29044

You deserved it

3022

Tweet

Share

By Frozen - United States

Today, the heater went out at work. I was shivering so hard that someone thought I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43512

You deserved it

4058

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my husband has always been clumsy, but am I alone in thinking it takes a special level of clumsy to trip over while naked and land with his penis in the mouth of the village slut across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3371

You deserved it

260

Tweet

Share

By 0ptimu5 - Australia

Today, I saw a cute girl at a night club. When I approached her and introduced myself, she said "Don't you remember me? We danced here last weekend... but you were smashed that night". I cheekily replied "Oh really? That's hot, what happened next?" She said "You were hitting on me. So, I left." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10654

You deserved it

43316

Tweet

Share

By stupidtoothpick2 - United States

Today, I spent hours trying to get a piece of food out of my two front teeth. I didn't have anything I could use, until I went out to dinner and got a toothpick. I finally got the food out of teeth. The toothpick broke. Now the tip of the toothpick is stuck in my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43177

You deserved it

8456

Tweet

Share

By mylifereallysuks - United States

Today, I got an email from my cute teacher about reminding us to bring stuff for the next lesson. As a joke I clicked on reply and wrote about how I think he is so cute and handsome. Right then and there I clicked to go look at other messages. A little box came up..."MESSAGE SENT". FML

I agree, your life sucks

9822

You deserved it

61940

Tweet

Share

By Stuckism - Malaysia

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. The help-line tells me, "Don't touch the door. We'll be there soon". Two hours later, I've got a headache, my legs are stiff and my date must think I stood her up. The tech finally arrives, pries the door open, then rudely asks, "Why didn't you do that yourself?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44307

You deserved it

3538

Tweet

Share

By hahahehehohohoo - United States

Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

323123

You deserved it

58391

Tweet

Share

By Canadagirl

Today, my boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me. By text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4167

You deserved it

299

Tweet

Share

By Embarrassed - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

I agree, your life sucks

58689

You deserved it

4325

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my mum found out she's pregnant. I would be happy for her, if she knew who the father was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29169

You deserved it

2077

Tweet

Share

By That escalated quickly - United States - Ocean City

Look at that

Today, while driving to Nashville, I saw a bunch of wild turkeys huddled together on the side of the road. I was excited to point them out to my boyfriend, until I realized that the "wild turkeys" were in fact vultures, and that they were eating a dead deer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22401

You deserved it

4241

Tweet

Share

By Dan - United States

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

10765

You deserved it

49058

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on my third date with this really cute girl. After a very romantic evening, I decided to go for the first kiss, but because of my nervous reflex in which I get bloody noses, I ended up bleeding all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42516

You deserved it

4877

Tweet

Share

By lextoast - Rwanda

Today, I went on a fabulous date with a really cute, smart, funny guy. He only mentioned his dad, so when I asked about his mom, I asked if they were divorced. She'd died of breast cancer so I felt awful. Then I asked if his dad had ever remarried. His stepmom had died of cancer too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31683

You deserved it

2665

Tweet

Share

By that violates the Geneva conventions - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my boss ordered me to read the Twilight series in order to determine if they are "appropriate" for his daughter to read. I'm a 25-year-old bank teller, and I definitely don't remember this in my job description. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15363

You deserved it

977

Tweet

Share

By inthesticks - United States - Orlando

Today, I was cleaning off my couch so my nephew could crash here for a few nights. It's been so long since we've sat on it that it is now inhabited by rats we didn't know were in the house, including newly born ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7522

You deserved it

6381

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20547

You deserved it

33021

Tweet

Share

By manymisfortunes - Canada - Lachine

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40917

You deserved it

12369

Tweet

Share

By mylifesucks123 - United States

Today, I was driving to the grocery store with my 7 year-old son. When I was approaching a stop sign, I look next to me and see a guy with a triangle shaped head. I tell my son "Look at the guy with the triangle head." My window was open. So was his. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9795

You deserved it

72504

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 14:02

Sewer monster

Today, I realized my morbidly obese sibling's favorite bathroom to use is whichever one is closest to me during the day. Three floors of living space and the monster wants to drop a nuke where the odors are certain to waft to my nose three times a day. Every. Single. Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1573

You deserved it

276

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/9/2020 20:00

Creepy

Today, one week after moving into my new apartment in a new city to get away from my stalker ex, I met my new neighbour. Yep, stalker ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1738

You deserved it

93

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my stress sweat overpowered my prescription strength deodorant 45 minutes into an 8-hour shift. I don't know who is more miserable, me or my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1759

You deserved it

158

Tweet

Share

By Ctmusher

Today, my four Huskies played tug-o-war with a woodchuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3897

You deserved it

395

Tweet

Share

By krh14 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40308

You deserved it

5172

Tweet

Share

By Tyler - United States

Today, I got a lovely little surprise after I got out of the shower. That lovely little surprise? I got stung in the scrotum by a hornet that had decided to nestle itself inside the towel I was drying off with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57963

You deserved it

3245

Tweet

Share

By not-religious - United States

Today, my grandma came over for the holidays. She tried explaining how Santa is actually Christ reincarnated, giving presents to all the good little Christian boys and girls. She'll be staying all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40235

You deserved it

5147

Tweet

Share

By iamshrimpy - Canada

Today, I logged onto Facebook with a new notification. I got excited, until I went on to see that it was my mom commenting on my status. She had seen my friends swear in previous comments and decided to make a comment of her own. She told them, "Hey, watch out yr language!" I'm nineteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24985

You deserved it

6003

Tweet

Share

By callerid - United States

Today, I had misplaced my cell phone. I decided the best course of action would be to dial the number from my house phone and wait for it to ring to locate it. Somebody answered when I called. It wasn't the wrong number and I had a brief conversation with the man that stole my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54341

You deserved it

3761

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Stereotypes

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1447

You deserved it

302

Tweet

Share

By that’s what you get - 5/8/2020 17:02

Food for thought

Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1611

You deserved it

155

Tweet

Share

By Radbaby

Today, nearing the start of what I was hoping to be a relaxing week off, my air conditioning system died. A replacement system will be in the $7000 range, just the amount I'd finally saved for my dream vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3888

You deserved it

253

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21102

You deserved it

7320

Tweet

Share

By Johntheladdo - United Kingdom

Well?

Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76165

You deserved it

10463

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I came home from work and found my sister using my vibrator in my own bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2619

You deserved it

205

Tweet

Share

By Earlybird76 - Canada - Richmond

Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed up to my new job 10 minutes early. My new supervisor confusedly greeted me and informed me I was in fact a week and 10 minutes early. HR changed my start date and told everyone but me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5360

You deserved it

317

Tweet

Share

By 5minsolder - United States

Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41282

You deserved it

3608

Tweet

Share

By newlywed - United States

Today, I married a wonderful man. Even though both of us were no longer virgins, we decided to wait until marriage to sleep together. He just told me I was the worst he's ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50839

You deserved it

13343

Tweet

Share

By ProneToBlondeMoments - United Kingdom

Today, I was just about to do an important presentation in front of my boss and co-workers. When, without warning I tripped in front of everyone and knocked a VERY expensive computer off the table. How do I know it was so expensive? I'm paying for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34234

You deserved it

5108

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Infamous_Pickle | 21

#6665617 - Friday 5 August 2016 9:27

Oh goodness that's horrible. But hey, look on the bright side. At least it didn't

By nonsense_ok | 11

#6665620 - Friday 5 August 2016 9:34

At least it didn't go up your butt?

COMMENTS

By FMLFreakShow | 18

#6665616 - Friday 5 August 2016 9:27

EEK! I feel bad for you OP, I hope it didn't touch your back or anything

By Infamous_Pickle | 21

#6665617 - Friday 5 August 2016 9:27

Oh goodness that's horrible. But hey, look on the bright side. At least it didn't

Reply

hellobobismyname | 24

#6665705 - Friday 5 August 2016 13:58

Exactly. The bright side is that it didn't go up his dark side.

By nonsense_ok | 11

#6665620 - Friday 5 August 2016 9:34

At least it didn't go up your butt?

By aGMAELSTR0M | 10

#6665621 - Friday 5 August 2016 9:34

CLOSE isn't an FML. INSIDE is an FML ;)

By Haggis300 | 25

#6665629 - Friday 5 August 2016 9:56

I have never cringed so much at an FML

By themassivefuckup | 16

#6665637 - Friday 5 August 2016 10:21

It's good that it didn't go up your ass... Unless it came out of it to begin with.

Reply

Kallian_fml | 21

#6665697 - Friday 5 August 2016 13:36

Even if it had come out of there in the first place, I still wouldn't want it going back in...

By BandsRuleBro | 11

#6665639 - Friday 5 August 2016 10:21

Be glad that it didn't go up your butt. Would've been disgusting if it did. Be thankful OP.

By ashyville | 9

#6665649 - Friday 5 August 2016 10:51

I am...... Disgusted

By Mynamewontfi | 40

#6665652 - Friday 5 August 2016 11:09

The disturbing part isn't only that the cockroach was that close, but that the sound was familiair.

Reply

never_three | 21

#6665806 - Friday 5 August 2016 16:25

Don't know where OP lives, but I know parts of El Paso have nasty cockroach problems. Especially Fort Bliss, post housing had the biggest roaches I've ever seen

Reply

smallandroid | 26

#6665857 - Friday 5 August 2016 17:32

I live in Austin, and the apartment I just moved out of would get a good dozen cockroaches in June/July. So glad to be out of there.

By Spudnik | 21

#6665654 - Friday 5 August 2016 11:10

This is a bad FML to read while on the toilet...