Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden...

By yomamma787 - 24/11/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

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Animals

Thanks, I'm cured!

True hero

Workaholic

By Spec - 18/4/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, my blind friend bragged to a group of people that she knew all of us by smell. We all took turns standing in front of her, and she would tell us who we were. When I got in front of her, she thought I was my dog. FML

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By blood buddies - 3/7/2014 17:53 - United States - Milford

Today, I was showing the guy I like something on my phone. My period tracking app decided it was the perfect time to tell me that I need to stock up on tampons, because I'm getting my period tomorrow. FML

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By captainuniverse - 14/5/2016 05:53 - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

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By anon - 27/4/2016 00:11 - United States - Arverne

Today, I got pulled over by the cops for swerving a lot while driving. I tried to explain that my dog bit the back of my neck, but as soon as I opened my door to show him the bite marks and the dog, it ran out of the car. I still can't find him. FML

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By sickpuppy - 8/9/2019 12:00

Geometry

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

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By minime94 - 15/11/2012 06:35 - United States - Sunset

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend while we were on my couch having a romantic moment. She seemed incredibly excited when she saw the ring and put it on. The way she bolted out the door tells me I'm not going to see her again. FML

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By badgirl - 21/6/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 17:15 - Nepal

Today, I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. He texted back asking if this was some sort of booty call. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 20:53 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got into a fight with my sister. Later on she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips, which I thought was her way of apologizing. I found out too late that she'd licked the flavoring off them and it was really her way of saying "Fuck you." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2019 01:00 - Ukraine - Kiev

Live chat

Today, I found the girlfriend of my best friend on a webcam site. I then told him that and his only response was, "Yeah, I know, that's where we met." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2017 04:00

Today, for the fifth time this month, I had to explain to a group of people that yes, my name really is Donald Trump. Like all the other groups, they burst out laughing and did some Trump impressions for 15 minutes. FML

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By girlthatstoofat - 29/10/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, I recieved a message on MySpace from a cute guy I've been talking to for a while. It read, "I saw a girl in Old Navy at the mall last night that looked a lot like you, but she was much fatter." I was in Old Navy at the mall last night. FML

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By worksux - 5/1/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML

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By Elevated fear - 24/12/2017 19:00

Today, I finally sought help for my crippling fear of elevators. When I arrived at my new therapist's office, I found the door to the stairs locked. To get to my appointment on the third floor of the building, I have to take the elevator. FML

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By blinded - 11/2/2011 16:14 - United States

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 09:29 - United States

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML

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By michael - 17/7/2019 12:07

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

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By ohno - 1/12/2011 14:38 - United States

Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paper clip. FML

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By YouBossturd - 10/11/2015 15:17 - United States - Washington

Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 01:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

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By Lady of Sorrows - 31/1/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, I just went to the bathroom and someone thought I was a guy. FML

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By spinster - 16/9/2015 02:10 - United States - Lubbock

Today, as I was creeping on social media, I realized that literally everyone I've ever dated is either happily married, engaged, or in a relationship. My last date was at the beginning of the summer. FML

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By Ropebunnbon - 15/8/2018 13:00

Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML

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By Lovernotafighter - 24/2/2012 11:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my granddad had to start sleeping in my bedroom. He has flashback dreams to when he was a boxer, and he's already lamped my granny three times in his sleep. I get a camp-bed, and the chance to listen to him snore like a wild boar. FML

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By Anon - 12/2/2012 03:01 - United States

Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML

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By Shnur - 5/4/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, my patient, a chubby little girl, stood on a scale to measure her weight. She was 5 yrs old and weighed 65 lbs. I started giving her advice on eating healthy: fruits, vegetables, and more greens. She turned to her mother giving a look of shock and said, "But mommy, the doctor is fat too!" FML

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By caitiexob - 20/2/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I found a note in my locker from a really hot guy asking me to prom. I went up to him saying how excited I was to go. He said "Oh you got the note?" and slipped it into the locker next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2017 15:31

Modern romance...

Today, I sent a great-quality booty pic to two of my love interests. Instead of sending it individually, I accidentally made a group chat. FML

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By el211 - 15/3/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend ran accidentally head-first into my face and left me with a giant black eye. My mother is convinced I had a seizure in a park somewhere and won't listen when I tell her she's wrong, and everyone else thinks my boyfriend is abusive. FML

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By ZAS - 22/8/2012 16:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while I was shopping at a store with my friend, I noticed a cute girl smiling at us. My friend said "She's all yours," and walked away. When I approached her, she asked me if my friend was single. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 23:00

Rude awakening

Today, I was woken up at 4 in the morning by my boyfriend farting on my leg and giggling in his sleep. For the third time. FML

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By anonymous - 17/12/2013 05:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I discovered my mom has been using my credit card to buy everyone's Christmas presents. FML

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By thxmom - 4/1/2015 17:25 - United States - West Jordan

Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML

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By Bummer - 30/10/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I found my checking and savings account to both read $0.00. My parents transferred all my money to theirs because "I'm irresponsible, and not fit to handle money." I'm a 3.8 college student and have a full-time job. They are currently unemployed. FML

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By Justawoman - 4/6/2014 15:52 - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, my boyfriend complained all day about being bored, so wanting to cheer him up, I put on some sexy clothes and went to his house. I got on his bed in my underwear and called him over. He quickly decided he'd rather play Diablo for the next five hours instead. FML

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By my bravado's gonna kill me one day - 10/8/2018 13:00

Today, as a big fan of spicy food and a huge challenge seeker, I decided to try the hottest burger I could order. Despite being warned by a waitress, I went for it. After eating a third, I had trouble breathing from the spiciness. The waitress was smirking. FML

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By bigmistake - 24/12/2011 03:22 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for a while. I shaved my legs and armpits and wore a short dress. It wasn't until I got to the meeting that I noticed I only shaved one of my legs. FML

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By amy - 16/10/2013 21:52 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML

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By cargaljen - 21/10/2012 00:22 - United States

Today, my husband sweetly asked me, "You know what I'd really like to do if I had an extra $4,000?" Expecting a romantic answer, I asked what. He said, "I'd get you a tummy tuck." He still can't figure out what he said wrong. FML

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By Anya - 17/12/2016 16:09 - Japan - Fukuoka

Today, after being fed up with my sarcastic, mouthy daughter, I decided to remove her TV from her room. I dropped it on my foot and broke two toes. She promptly said, "that's what you get." FML

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Top comments

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#686765 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

What a prick.

By Stumblebum30 | 5

#686784 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:24

do you think the world is your toilet? dumb ass

COMMENTS

By kozmikstarz | 0

#686764 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:03

YDI

neonokku | 0

#687109 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 4:08

I'm trying to figure out WHY in the world would you PEE on a CACTUS?

johnbob_fml | 0

#687233 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:53

he lives in new mexico, there are a lot of cactuses, in fact there is probably nothing but that

sodahhhr | 0

#688004 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 20:50

fake!! i saw this in a cartoon animation on myspace

livluvlaff8 | 0

#926316 - Monday 8 March 2010 22:42

but why would u pee on one?

miss101 | 3

#950162 - Monday 15 March 2010 16:59

what would make you pee on a cataus? does it need your juices?

Roflmaaark | 0

#996060 - Monday 17 May 2010 9:59

Why the fuck... :/

iheartchapman | 0

#1004685 - Monday 24 May 2010 1:37

Agreed w/ 50. FYL.

joanjett | 0

#1295890 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 18:52

All I am thinking is WTF were you pissing on a cactus?

GraceMarieC | 13

#2115235 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 14:52

Am I the only one who smells fake all over this?

archnarquibquib | 21

#5567393 - Friday 5 July 2013 23:20

Just because you have a cactus to pee on, does not mean you should pee on it. Ever heard of Murphy's law?

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#686765 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

What a prick.

liz1908 | 0

#686768 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

LOL

jessxoxo28 | 5

#686849 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:48

who freakin pees on a cactus? lmao!
i agree with #2

JMTS | 0

#1467275 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 1:46

LO-fucking-L

By BboyHero | 0

#686769 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:06

first

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#686771 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:08

needledick.

YouFailForLife | 7

#690361 - Friday 27 November 2009 5:35

LMAO!!!! nice #5

Wogg_fml | 0

#838013 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 14:18

If it were up to me, this would undoubtedly be the funniest FML in the history of FMLs. It made me laugh for 5 minutes nonstop.

By the_holy_one | 0

#686775 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

zezjo | 3

#977564 - Sunday 11 April 2010 3:32

WTF? How is karma related to this at all..?

poiuytjfffc | 0

#1661005 - Sunday 7 November 2010 5:01

Yes of course it's karma, what other reason could it be! JK LOLROFLPOFLEMOLZMAO

By meridon | 0

#686778 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:12

fake. yes?

By Penny89_ | 0

#686779 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:14

fake.

By mohlee | 0

#686780 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:15

Fake.

By jts2 | 3

#686781 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:17

. . .
How .. stupid .. are .. you .. ?

By iheartjustinsane | 0

#686783 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:21

YDI for peeing on a fucking cactus of all things.