Animals: Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden...

By yomamma787 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

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Animals

The old switcheroo

Whatthefuckaburger

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By - France

Today, I am spending new year absolutely alone. My girlfriend canceled our plans the day before so she could spend it with alcohol and strangers. Somehow, I still love her. FML

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By notout

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

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By Bashit - United States - Bullard

Today, I received a call from the company I applied to, only to have my father pick it up and make fun of the man's accent. They won't call me back or take any of my calls, and my dad is completely unapologetic. FML

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By RickTooBomb - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

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By fuckyouverymuch - United States - Salida

Today, a friend sent me to a guy he knows who repairs various electronics for a very low price. Good news: he fixed my malfunctioning iPad. Bad news: it took me several hours to notice that he'd carved the words DOUCHE and HIPSTER into the back panel. FML

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By ipaid350dollarsfornothing - Qatar

Today, my prom dress finally arrived. My prom was yesterday. FML

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By epipen life - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Threat Neutralized

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

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By Mr. X - United States - Southborough

Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML

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By roidrager - United States - Clearwater

Today, the steroids I was prescribed for a slightly irritating sinus infection have worked, albeit at the price of making me almost shit my pants multiple times. My sinuses are now clear enough that I get the full scent of my steroid-induced diarrhea. FML

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By me - United States - Providence

Today, my girlfriend informed me that we aren't officially dating until she changes her relationship status. We've been "dating" for 3 months. FML

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By leahneedssleep - Canada

Today, trying to make a good impression and be helpful, I volunteered to look after my manager's cat while she moves house. The cat hasn't stopped meowing since he got here this evening, it's now 4 am and I have work in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Gent

Today, I was verbally and physically attacked in a public pool, because I was swimming in what a grandma claimed was her part of the pool. Since I'm a very tolerant person, I calmly tried to talk some reason into the elderly lady. The lifeguard had to come to protect me. FML

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By Khrixas_069 - United States

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I took a dump without checking for toilet paper. I then called my step dad, who said "use the stuff in the garbage." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pratt

Judgment Day

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

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By kelscait - United States

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". FML

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By DumpedHisAss - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I checked into my flight early. The kiosk asked me if I wanted an earlier flight for $50. Awesome. I swiped my card then continued to the next screen where I was informed my new flight was delayed to the same time as my original flight. FML

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By Carmen - United States

Today, I painted an area I had carefully sanded, cleaned, and taped off. I pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster. I turned the fan on, and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint. FML

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By unwanted - United States

Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML

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By hatedatwork - United States - Shreveport

Thanks mom!

Today, my CEO called and spoke to me like I'm a child. Apparently, she has a surprise for me, "but only if I clean up my office first." She hasn't been to my office in months because she works in another state. Turns out, someone texted her a picture of my messy office. FML

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By Hm - United States

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

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By Kilania

Today, my boyfriend was talking about video games. Bored of the subject, I started kissing his neck and chest in hopes of him to stop talking and getting some action. He did stop, only for him to say about a minute later, "You're lucky my games can't do this." FML

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By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

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By Austin - United States - Rancho Cordova

Today, I fell down the stairs of my apartment building because I thought my cat was a ghost. FML

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By not mine! - 16/6/2020 05:07

It wasn't me

Today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to break up with my boyfriend and kick him out after his second relapse. A few hours later, I had police banging down my door. To get back at me, my now ex had called the cops and anonymously reported all the drugs he’d hidden around my house. FML

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By margretlle - United States

Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML

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By mariokarter - United Kingdom

Today, on the train on the way to my mother's house, I was playing Mariokart with my son. He got a 'bomb' item, and yelled quite loudly, "I have a bomb!". Panic ensued. We got thrown off the train at the next stop. FML

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By CessnaPilot - United States

Today, I fell off a ladder while building a shelter for one of my wife's horses. I think I broke some ribs. I absolutely hate horses. FML

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By keiler

She'll be single for a looong time...

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I play video games. No, not that I play too many video games or have an addiction to video games. Just that I play them, period. FML

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By southernluxe - United States

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

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By Embarrassed - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I went to visit a friend I hadn't seen in ages who lives alone out in the country. I arrived and found the front door unlocked but no one was home. I went in anyway and helped myself to some food. Then a family I had never seen before came in, and I realized it wasn't my friend's house. FML

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By meh - Canada

Today, my teacher, who's Irish, called me insensitive and stupid for imitating her accent. I'm Filipino and my parents immigrated to Ireland where I was born, and then we moved to Canada when I was 14. Her response to my explanation? "Bullshit." FML

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Top comments

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#686765 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

What a prick.

By Stumblebum30 | 5

#686784 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:24

do you think the world is your toilet? dumb ass

COMMENTS

By kozmikstarz | 0

#686764 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:03

YDI

neonokku | 0

#687109 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 4:08

I'm trying to figure out WHY in the world would you PEE on a CACTUS?

johnbob_fml | 0

#687233 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:53

he lives in new mexico, there are a lot of cactuses, in fact there is probably nothing but that

sodahhhr | 0

#688004 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 20:50

fake!! i saw this in a cartoon animation on myspace

livluvlaff8 | 0

#926316 - Monday 8 March 2010 22:42

but why would u pee on one?

miss101 | 3

#950162 - Monday 15 March 2010 16:59

what would make you pee on a cataus? does it need your juices?

Roflmaaark | 0

#996060 - Monday 17 May 2010 9:59

Why the fuck... :/

iheartchapman | 0

#1004685 - Monday 24 May 2010 1:37

Agreed w/ 50. FYL.

joanjett | 0

#1295890 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 18:52

All I am thinking is WTF were you pissing on a cactus?

GraceMarieC | 13

#2115235 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 14:52

Am I the only one who smells fake all over this?

archnarquibquib | 21

#5567393 - Friday 5 July 2013 23:20

Just because you have a cactus to pee on, does not mean you should pee on it. Ever heard of Murphy's law?

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#686765 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

What a prick.

liz1908 | 0

#686768 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

LOL

jessxoxo28 | 5

#686849 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:48

who freakin pees on a cactus? lmao!
i agree with #2

JMTS | 0

#1467275 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 1:46

LO-fucking-L

By BboyHero | 0

#686769 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:06

first

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#686771 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:08

needledick.

YouFailForLife | 7

#690361 - Friday 27 November 2009 5:35

LMAO!!!! nice #5

Wogg_fml | 0

#838013 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 14:18

If it were up to me, this would undoubtedly be the funniest FML in the history of FMLs. It made me laugh for 5 minutes nonstop.

By the_holy_one | 0

#686775 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

zezjo | 3

#977564 - Sunday 11 April 2010 3:32

WTF? How is karma related to this at all..?

poiuytjfffc | 0

#1661005 - Sunday 7 November 2010 5:01

Yes of course it's karma, what other reason could it be! JK LOLROFLPOFLEMOLZMAO

By meridon | 0

#686778 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:12

fake. yes?

By Penny89_ | 0

#686779 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:14

fake.

By mohlee | 0

#686780 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:15

Fake.

By jts2 | 3

#686781 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:17

. . .
How .. stupid .. are .. you .. ?

By iheartjustinsane | 0

#686783 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:21

YDI for peeing on a fucking cactus of all things.