Animals: Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden...

By yomamma787 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

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Animals

Stand up guy

Real housewives

Get out

By sophiae123 - United States - Cadillac

Today, my parents threatened to take away my college funds. Why? Because I complained about my 10 pm curfew during break as a freshman in college. FML

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By brokenatthebar - United States - Carleton

Today, I was dumped via text halfway through my 8-hour bar shift. I had to deal with my co-workers and customers asking me how my vacation with my now-ex was for the next 4 hours. FML

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By Moving On - United States

Today, I found out my parents' New Year's resolution is to get me to move out. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML

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By CanWeAllGetOne - United States - Houston

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

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By good_gravy - United States

Today, my dog threw up on my bed while I was sleeping. I lost an hour of the day washing the vomit out with a rag, and my garbage disposal jammed on whatever otherworldly things my dog ate the day before. I had to dig it out by hand. FML

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By shit... - United States

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

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By not my fault you got knocked up - 9/8/2020 20:02

Sister of the year

Today, my older sister threw an epic tantrum, demanding that my parents not pay for my 21st birthday trip. She insists it’s not fair for them to gift me a trip, since she didn’t get to celebrate her 21st. She didn’t get to celebrate because she was pregnant. Now my mom wants to reconsider. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

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Winner

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

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By 99520 - United States

Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML

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By Jack.mercado - United States

Today, being the new driver I am, I was trying to keep my speed at posted because I know that cops will target me. I ended up getting pulled over for my too-low speed and given a ticket because I was holding up a line of cars. FML

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By - India - Pune

Send help!

Today, I've managed to lock myself in my own bedroom. It won't open no matter what I do. FML

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By Dandy

Today, after having given up video games for two weeks to focus on school, I finished my last exam of the semester and finally became free. I got home to find that Steam is down worldwide. I just received an email saying every game on my wish list is on sale, but I can't log in. FML

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By worst - Philippines

Today, my mom said I was the worst of her 5 children. My IQ is 130, an honor student, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol, or do drugs. I'm the "worst" because I don't go to church every Sunday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to go get my driver's license, only to be told that I need a copy of my birth certificate. In order to get the copy of my birth certificate, I need a driver's license or my passport. In order to get a passport, I need a copy of my birth certificate or a drivers license. I have none. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and must have rolled off. When I woke up, I noticed my braces were stuck to the rug. After frantically pulling, my mom finally sawed me off the rug with scissors. FML

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By jp_boards

Today, I went to the emergency room for a broken collarbone. This wouldn’t be so bad if my parents hadn’t paid $20,000 for me to go to a snowboarding academy all winter. Today was day one. FML

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By Van - United States

Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2020 14:01

Mix and match

Today, as I was getting ready for church, I couldn't decide between my black or white shoes. I put one of each on, then my son started crying. Fast forward, I'm at church, I look down and I'm wearing one white shoe and one black shoe. FML

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By ChloeisaDoll

Today, I was told I have a brother… By a stranger in a parking lot, while leaving my grandfather's wake. FML

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By Ashton

Today, my girlfriend told me I have a doppelganger on campus who looks just like me, but way cuter. She got his phone number. FML

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By UnicornWaffles - United States - Wooster

Today, I saw the guy I've been seeing passing by my dorm. I called out to him, but he covered his ears and crossed the street. Well, at least I have ice cream in my fridge. FML

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By dentistrygirl - United States

Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML

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By fffemaleee - United States - Waterford

Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML

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By Tuffgunsmoke - France

Today, I was at the gym and saw an old friend. I have put on a lot of muscle in the past few months, and she said to me "Wow, you've really gotten big." Just by habit I said "You too." Turns out she's gained 45 lbs since I'd last seen her. Oops. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 00:30

Home to roost

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling several people that my fiancé and I will be moving into her house for the foreseeable future. All because we're moving to a city close by for jobs and are still searching for housing. I found this out from several of the people she told. FML

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By can't breathe - Australia

Today, I was feeling nauseous and my cat was comforting me. I breathed in through my nose, and my cat's fur caused me to sneeze. I sneezed so hard, I threw up out my nose. Nothing will get rid of the smell from within my nasal cavity. FML

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By loving grandaughter - United States

Today, after months of cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my husband's grandmother due to her getting a hip replacement, I overheard her calling me a whore over the phone from the next room. FML

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By ZINGER - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I left my headlights on last night. I found out by the headlights of my car smashed and a post-it note on my windshield saying "you accidentally left your headlights on... I took care of that for you". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, it was my first day at my new school. I've never been the new girl before, so I asked my best friend for advice. She said, "Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, be yourself." FML

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By JRock - United States

Today, at my softball game, there was one spot left for center field. The coach had to choose between me or the girl who forgot her glasses and was blind without them. He chose her. FML

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By dumb dumb dumb - 20/10/2020 11:04 - United States

Not a good look

Today, my daughter decided she wants to be a Pokémon for Halloween. To practice the look, she used fabric dye because she thought it would look cool on her skin. Only she decided to dress as Jynx and instead of looking cool, she looks like a racist idiot in blackface. She posted pics. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02

It's not unusual

Today, I complimented my crush. No, I didn't call her beautiful or sexy, though those definitely apply. No, instead, I called her scrumptious. I can't even begin to explain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I had an admissions interview at my dream college. I spent hours practicing questions and picking the perfect outfit. It was not until after the interview that I realized I'd scratched a pimple while waiting, and my forehead had been smeared with blood the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got run over. Not by a car, but by a lady in a wheelchair. Am I really that invisible? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

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By female

Today, my nineteen-year-old son attempted to mug me. With a screwdriver. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML

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Top comments

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#686765 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

What a prick.

By Stumblebum30 | 5

#686784 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:24

do you think the world is your toilet? dumb ass

COMMENTS

By kozmikstarz | 0

#686764 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:03

YDI

neonokku | 0

#687109 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 4:08

I'm trying to figure out WHY in the world would you PEE on a CACTUS?

johnbob_fml | 0

#687233 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:53

he lives in new mexico, there are a lot of cactuses, in fact there is probably nothing but that

sodahhhr | 0

#688004 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 20:50

fake!! i saw this in a cartoon animation on myspace

livluvlaff8 | 0

#926316 - Monday 8 March 2010 22:42

but why would u pee on one?

miss101 | 3

#950162 - Monday 15 March 2010 16:59

what would make you pee on a cataus? does it need your juices?

Roflmaaark | 0

#996060 - Monday 17 May 2010 9:59

Why the fuck... :/

iheartchapman | 0

#1004685 - Monday 24 May 2010 1:37

Agreed w/ 50. FYL.

joanjett | 0

#1295890 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 18:52

All I am thinking is WTF were you pissing on a cactus?

GraceMarieC | 13

#2115235 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 14:52

Am I the only one who smells fake all over this?

archnarquibquib | 21

#5567393 - Friday 5 July 2013 23:20

Just because you have a cactus to pee on, does not mean you should pee on it. Ever heard of Murphy's law?

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#686765 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

What a prick.

liz1908 | 0

#686768 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

LOL

jessxoxo28 | 5

#686849 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:48

who freakin pees on a cactus? lmao!
i agree with #2

JMTS | 0

#1467275 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 1:46

LO-fucking-L

By BboyHero | 0

#686769 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:06

first

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#686771 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:08

needledick.

YouFailForLife | 7

#690361 - Friday 27 November 2009 5:35

LMAO!!!! nice #5

Wogg_fml | 0

#838013 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 14:18

If it were up to me, this would undoubtedly be the funniest FML in the history of FMLs. It made me laugh for 5 minutes nonstop.

By the_holy_one | 0

#686775 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:09

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

zezjo | 3

#977564 - Sunday 11 April 2010 3:32

WTF? How is karma related to this at all..?

poiuytjfffc | 0

#1661005 - Sunday 7 November 2010 5:01

Yes of course it's karma, what other reason could it be! JK LOLROFLPOFLEMOLZMAO

By meridon | 0

#686778 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:12

fake. yes?

By Penny89_ | 0

#686779 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:14

fake.

By mohlee | 0

#686780 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:15

Fake.

By jts2 | 3

#686781 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:17

. . .
How .. stupid .. are .. you .. ?

By iheartjustinsane | 0

#686783 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:21

YDI for peeing on a fucking cactus of all things.