Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden...

By yomamma787 - 24/11/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

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Animals

Boozehound

Oh, hai!

Trust

By babysheets - 17/3/2012 16:22 - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

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By Fire sucks. - 17/1/2014 03:42 - United States

Today, there was a forest fire in my town. I was still forced to go to school, as it was safer. A lot of people decided not to go, and we ended up doing nothing but watching the news reports. There, I got to see my house burning on live TV. FML

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By whatisthisshit - 17/3/2017 00:00

Hellooooo, Social Services?

Today, I spent two hours convincing my 3-year-old son that he can't poop on his 4-month-old brother out of retaliation for the baby pooping on him. He did it anyway. FML

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By Photoshopped - 18/7/2016 04:34 - United States - Athens

Today, I sent my grandfather a picture of me because he hasn't seen me in years. I guess I should wear makeup next time, because he sent back a heavily photoshopped and cropped version and told me how beautiful I look. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 11:10 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, the rollercoaster I was on stuck upside down for a few minutes. I shat myself in terror. Then, gravity took effect. FML

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By ritz - 10/9/2009 14:15 - United States

Today, I was leaving my job at a huge mall. I couldn't find my car anywhere, so I panicked and flagged a security officer. I cried while he drove me around for miles in the endless parking lot. Then, suddenly, I remembered. My friend had dropped me off in the morning. FML

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By BohGlam - 1/12/2016 20:30

Today, my boss reprimanded me for my lack of media communications skills. It would be more understandable if I weren't a janitor. FML

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By stillloveherthough - 26/2/2016 17:54 - Germany - Aachen

Today, my girlfriend had a complete breakdown. I was trying to calm her down and reassure her that she will accomplish all of her dreams. Her response: "Then why am I even with you?" FML

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By bern5555 - 13/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

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By Singleagain - 19/4/2016 12:01 - Sint Maarten (Dutch part) - Philipsburg

Today, I learned that not texting my girlfriend for two days is considered dumping her, and is ample reason to screw other men. FML

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By no no no no no no no no no no no fuck no - 1/9/2013 20:04 - Greece - Athens

Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 12:50 - United States - Ontario

Today, I spent half an hour trying to convince my husband not to re-enact a video he saw online of a guy tying some rope to a running chainsaw, then swinging it around his head. He finally agreed not to do something so stupid. A few hours later, he did it anyway. FML

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By Rabzouz - 20/12/2008 08:16 - France

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2016 05:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat refuses to drink from any source of water that isn't the toilet. FML

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By Good_old_Grim - 23/2/2010 07:56 - Latvia

Today, I went to move my girlfriend's car. I failed to notice that the snow packed under the front bumper is actually ice. After a bit of struggle I managed to move the car. The bumper, however, is now a separate entity. FML

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By Aus - 26/4/2012 14:43 - United States

Today, I received a text from the guy I'm into, thanking me for helping him drunkenly stumble back to his apartment last night. He ended it with, "How long did you stay?" Apparently, he doesn't remember confessing his secret love for me, or the fantastic kiss that followed. FML

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By wifelyduties - 17/4/2020 14:00

Do ya think I'm sexy?

Today, my husband called me to our bedroom, saying he needed help with something. I found him sitting on the bed with his pants down, so I smiled and asked if he was angling for sex, which was fine with me. Nope. He needed me to pop a pimple under his ballsack. FML

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By faglypoog - 23/12/2016 02:31

Today, my $200 drone malfunctioned and wouldn't stop. For fifteen minutes I followed it on my bike until it finally disappeared. On the way back I was pulled over for not wearing a helmet. FML

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By fataldisease - 11/12/2008 12:21 - France

Today, my son laughed at me when I tried to get him to put a bit more effort into his schoolwork. His grandmother had kindly given him all my shitty school reports from when I was his age. FML

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By Thay - 1/9/2016 22:28 - United States

Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML

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By Chasity - 7/2/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I logged onto a website that offered free tutoring. After chatting with the online tutor, he started flirting with me. I was just looking for some help with my homework, not a creeper. FML

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By Iceicebaby - 15/2/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, after getting out the car and closing the door, I began walking and slipped on some black ice. In the moment of panic, I grabbed onto my car wing mirror. Luckily, I didn't hit the deck. Unluckily, the wing mirror broke off. FML

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By anon - 19/6/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk. It became friendly with another dog, and I reached down to pet them both. Suddenly, an old woman runs up to me and whacks me with her cane repeatedly. Apparently, her previous dog had been kidnapped by a woman who looked a lot like me. FML

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By pyrogypsy - 24/10/2014 01:05 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was the weird girl on the city bus who falls asleep then makes a loud, weird noise and wakes herself up. FML

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By unluckysamaritan - 15/10/2016 08:51 - Sweden - H??r

Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on the subway. FML

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By Rich - 25/2/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, my parents gave me a shirt from Banana Republic for my birthday. It looked like one I had bought for myself a couple of days earlier but I thanked them and went to hang it in my closet. An empty hanger hung where I placed the shirt I had purchased. They gave me my shirt for my birthday. FML

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By Bob - 12/11/2010 03:55 - United States

Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML

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By thicklysettled - 20/7/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

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By goingtothegym - 9/12/2013 01:16 - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked "too chunky". I wasn't stealing, I'm just fat. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2013 05:18 - United States

Today, I taught my kid how to mow the lawn. It's a self-propelling mower so it's easy to handle. My kid thought it would be smart to tie the handle down so that he wouldn't have to push it at all. This resulted in the lawn mower blasting through our fence and sinking into my neighbor's pool. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 23:07 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, I was woken up and kicked out of my friend's party at 3:00 in the morning. This wouldn't have been so bad if someone hadn't stolen my shoes. I had to walk for an hour in the rain, in my socks. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 06:06

Today, my mother sat me down and told me, "I'm not going to lie, I hate living with you. Please get a job and move out." I'm 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2016 14:50 - United States - Frisco

Today, a TV crew filmed my house for a real estate show. They got an actor to pretend he owned the place but wanted to move. The host kept saying how shit my house is, and while talking about me with his producer, he said "Know how I know he ain't a fag? Fags can actually decorate." FML

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By Kutakito - 15/4/2013 20:18 - Sweden - Saltsj?baden

Today, my 25 year old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML

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By scratchy - 8/2/2011 21:39

Today, my "friend" put itching powder in my cast while I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got the breast implants she's been wanting for the last 5 years. When I went to pick her up at the hospital she said, "Maybe I can find a guy with a real job now!" I paid for her fake tits. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2017 13:00 - Canada

Today, I booked my holiday flights. There's 700 miles between the small country I live in and the family I'm visiting, normally one 3-hour flight. Thanks to hurricanes Irma and Maria, the only available route traverses 1700 miles and will take 26 continuous hours. FML

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By CodeJunky - 17/2/2016 02:15 - United States

Today, I found out how far my car can go after the fuel light comes on: All the way to the stoplight before the nearest gas station. FML

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By pikachu_43 - 21/3/2015 15:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, because I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, I had a panic attack. Then, the panic attack caused me to have a real asthma attack. FML

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By ThatGirl - 19/7/2012 15:30 - United States

Today, an idiot decided it would be fun to light up a firecracker in front of our house. It ended with firetrucks, a black yard, and yet somehow the weeds survived. FML

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Top comments

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#686765 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

What a prick.

By Stumblebum30 | 5

#686784 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:24

do you think the world is your toilet? dumb ass

Comments

By kozmikstarz | 0

#686764 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:03

YDI

neonokku | 0

#687109 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 4:08

I'm trying to figure out WHY in the world would you PEE on a CACTUS?

johnbob_fml | 0

#687233 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:53

he lives in new mexico, there are a lot of cactuses, in fact there is probably nothing but that

sodahhhr | 0

#688004 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 20:50

fake!! i saw this in a cartoon animation on myspace

livluvlaff8 | 0

#926316 - Monday 8 March 2010 22:42

but why would u pee on one?

miss101 | 3

#950162 - Monday 15 March 2010 16:59

what would make you pee on a cataus? does it need your juices?

Roflmaaark | 0

#996060 - Monday 17 May 2010 9:59

Why the fuck... :/

iheartchapman | 0

#1004685 - Monday 24 May 2010 1:37

Agreed w/ 50. FYL.

joanjett | 0

#1295890 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 18:52

All I am thinking is WTF were you pissing on a cactus?

GraceMarieC | 13

#2115235 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 14:52

Am I the only one who smells fake all over this?

archnarquibquib | 21

#5567393 - Friday 5 July 2013 23:20

Just because you have a cactus to pee on, does not mean you should pee on it. Ever heard of Murphy's law?

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#686765 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

What a prick.

liz1908 | 0

#686768 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:04

LOL

jessxoxo28 | 5

#686849 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:48

who freakin pees on a cactus? lmao!
i agree with #2

JMTS | 0

#1467275 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 1:46

LO-fucking-L

By BboyHero | 0

#686769 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:06

first

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#686771 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:08

needledick.

YouFailForLife | 7

#690361 - Friday 27 November 2009 5:35

LMAO!!!! nice #5

Wogg_fml | 0

#838013 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 14:18

If it were up to me, this would undoubtedly be the funniest FML in the history of FMLs. It made me laugh for 5 minutes nonstop.

By the_holy_one | 0

#686775 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

zezjo | 3

#977564 - Sunday 11 April 2010 3:32

WTF? How is karma related to this at all..?

poiuytjfffc | 0

#1661005 - Sunday 7 November 2010 5:01

Yes of course it's karma, what other reason could it be! JK LOLROFLPOFLEMOLZMAO

By meridon | 0

#686778 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:12

fake. yes?

By Penny89_ | 0

#686779 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:14

fake.

By mohlee | 0

#686780 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:15

Fake.

By jts2 | 3

#686781 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:17

. . .
How .. stupid .. are .. you .. ?

By iheartjustinsane | 0

#686783 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:21

YDI for peeing on a fucking cactus of all things.