Today, I was online and I saw a friend that I hadn't talked to...

By wingless_angel_7 - 2/12/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, I was online and I saw a friend that I hadn't talked to in two years come online. I IM'ed him, only for him to respond, "I haven't responded to any messages of yours in over a year. Most people would get the hint." FML

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Miscellaneous

The student becomes the master

Assumptions

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

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By RainbowSuck - 7/2/2017 16:00 - Canada

Today, after passing various interviews and tests, I was given a great job pending a pre-employment medical test. Now I'm jobless and colorblind. FML

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By whoababy55 - 21/8/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up with me. He didn't seem to remember he had already broken up with me yesterday. Thanks for reminding me. FML

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By Moose - 7/12/2012 17:06 - United States - Charleston

Today, I found out that storing a partially empty bowl of ice cream in the freezer overnight along with the spoon, and then trying to take a bite the next day, can have the same effect as sticking your tongue on a flagpole in the middle of winter. FML

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By jbthedude - 5/8/2011 09:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that airbags aren't nearly as comfy as they look. FML

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By deardaughter - 14/8/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my father trimming his pubes over the bin with our kitchen scissors. FML

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By Men '86 - 24/7/2011 06:41 - Canada

Today, I went skinny dipping with my friends. A security man drove up the dock we were on with his bike. After informing us that the dock was closed, and noticing all of our swimsuits on the dock, he refused to move his flashlight beam from us in the water. FML

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By Still No Phone - 21/5/2017 12:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I checked for the third time this week if my package that 'arrived' five days ago had been found. Not only was it a different employee at the concierge desk, meaning I had to explain everything again, but they told me the same bullshit about how it's "not their fault". The package is my new phone. FML

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By Inga44 - 23/7/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past 4 months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML

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By ArtistBlock - 25/11/2016 05:10

Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and stuffed the turkey, popped it in the oven and sent a mass text out to my family about how amazing it would be. Everyone arrived, we began making plates of food when I checked the turkey, and realized I never even turned on the oven. FML

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By brokeasajoke - 1/11/2013 12:58 - United States - El Reno

Today, an old man looked me dead in the eyes as he reached into my tip jar, grabbed the money, and then walked out of the store as if nothing ever happened. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything to stop him. FML

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By Heinz - 8/8/2012 04:19 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the highlight of my day was that I could afford name-brand ketchup. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

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By fuckmylife - 2/2/2010 20:30 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my son that his dad was too busy in a raid on World of Warcraft to be at his award ceremony. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2014 17:20 - United States

Today, I tried to prove to my girlfriend how much I've matured and that our relationship comes before anything else in my life. So I went to delete my character in World of Warcraft. I tried to confirm it, but I couldn't, breaking down in tears instead. FML

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By PizzaBoySwag - 4/6/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

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By xero_art - 26/6/2009 09:51 - United States

Today, it's my birthday and I received a signed vintage Beatles' album from my wife. Awesome right? It's the same album some jerk way over-bidded me for on eBay. That jerk was my wife, using my credit card. FML

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By ihateteenagers - 30/12/2011 02:12 - United States

Today, a punk-looking college kid was making fun of my mentally handicapped son. Out of anger, I punched him in the face. I got handcuffed and thrown into a police car. The kid stood there laughing and pointing at me. FML

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By poop - 6/2/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

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By ArmyMan - 24/6/2009 16:37 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I enlisted for The Navy because my Boy Scout leader encouraged me. He fought in Korea and is a real inspiration. I asked him what motivated him to join The Navy. He said he was drunk and didn't remember joining until he was called up. FML

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By chronic masticator - 21/5/2016 11:51 - United States

Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my mom cornered me and accused me of being anorexic. I'm actually not far off being clinically obese and I'm just trying to diet, but nothing I say will convince her. She wants me to see a psychiatrist about a disorder I don't even have. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 17:15 - Nepal

Today, I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. He texted back asking if this was some sort of booty call. FML

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By ... - 18/11/2008 04:42 - France

Today, I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly, he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning towards the window, he turned towards me. FML

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By Sady_Ct - 17/3/2019 18:00

Today I took my dogs to the off leash dog park as usual. Today some dick decided to feed my pup alcohol while I was cleaning up after my other dog. Now my pup is sick and the vet is worried he may not survive. FML

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By pleasebackintomycaragain - 24/4/2009 02:12 - Canada

Today, as I was sitting in my car in a mall parking lot an old couple got into their new van and backed right into me. The man got out and in broken english decided it was no big deal. He turned to leave and tried to pat my back, but smacked my ass instead. I was hit by a car, and spanked for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2015 15:22 - United States

Today, I told a customer to have a nice day. Little did I know it'd make her have an emotional breakdown and nearly cause me to lose my job. FML

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By kissandcontrol01 - 10/10/2015 04:22 - United States - Hanford

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

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By Noname - 26/10/2008 21:20 - United States

Today, while at the dinner table, my grandmother told me she backed over a cat. FML

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By figures - 29/11/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2014 16:59 - Egypt

Today, my non-English-speaking grandma bought me a new t-shirt. It would've been sweet if it didn't have the word "bondage" written on the back in pretty, bold letters. I had no choice but to wear it while we went shopping. FML

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By rockstarohyeah - 2/7/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I was given the best news of my life. I am cancer free and am not, at the ripe age of 23 going to bite the dust. My husband left his journal on the nightstand in our bedroom. He wrote, "I feel like a bad person, but if she dies, I don't have to get divorced." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 02:07 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By hellolaina - 27/6/2016 16:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that without fail, even if I'm not supposed to get it, I get my period just in time for vacations. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Kelsiiii - 11/3/2020 03:00

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I pretended to be dead in front of my dog to see what he would do. He started to hump me, and when I tried to get up, he growled at me until I got back down on the ground to wait until he was finished. FML

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By Seriously? - 22/7/2017 13:54

Today, my friend with benefits got my new car stuck in a mud hole. I had to call my ex to get us unstuck. FML

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By Shenza - 17/6/2012 12:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I am exhausted and can barely move after being up all night taking care of my drunk and vomiting husband. He, on the other hand, feels much better and is bounding with energy. FML

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By limegreengiraffe - 1/11/2014 14:06 - United States - Lubbock

Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML

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By StockedWithJuice - 6/7/2013 15:14 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2016 17:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 15:00

Cleanliness is next to someone else

Today, we got new seats in my English class; I was seated next to a boy that I don't know very well. When I sat down, he informed me that he is "opposed" to brushing his teeth. I thought he was kidding. Then he started breathing with his mouth open. These are our seats for the rest of the year. FML

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Top comments

By xundria | 5

#1785549 - Friday 3 December 2010 1:54

Sounds like a good friend. Move on.

By FYLDeep | 25

#1786161 - Friday 3 December 2010 2:13

Hint, hint, he wants you to burn down his house. Hint, hint, hint.

Comments

By xundria | 5

#1785549 - Friday 3 December 2010 1:54

Sounds like a good friend. Move on.

liindsey | 25

#1785572 - Friday 3 December 2010 1:59

agreed. if someone is going to be an ass like that, you don't really need them in your life.

moosemonkey1000 | 6

#1785595 - Friday 3 December 2010 2:04

BURN!!!!!!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1786140 - Friday 3 December 2010 2:07

Well op that sucks :( That's why I don't message "friends" more than twice if they don't reply... But I don't have any real friends....

Daileyyy | 0

#1786246 - Friday 3 December 2010 2:31

what friend?

theannonymousone | 0

#1786606 - Friday 3 December 2010 4:37

If you wanna talk, #12, hit me up at [email protected] Just say hi. :)

theannonymousone | 0

#1786612 - Friday 3 December 2010 4:38

You too OP.

MoniV6661 | 0

#1786642 - Friday 3 December 2010 4:52

Awh. :/

terranada | 3

#1786932 - Friday 3 December 2010 7:29

this is why I delete ppl from my IM list every year or so. especially if we weren't that close to begin with

mamamiaaa_fml | 12

#1787158 - Friday 3 December 2010 9:07

wow. hmmmph. don't worry about it. if you haven't talked to this person in two years it should be no sweat to just delete them.

By sassyangel24 | 0

#1785553 - Friday 3 December 2010 1:54

that sucks!

purplecowchik | 5

#1786991 - Friday 3 December 2010 7:58

Yes it does! Looks like someone framed you!

By KelceyLoves | 0

#1785557 - Friday 3 December 2010 1:56

Every time I send a message I am scared they will respond with this. Luckily they haven't yet! Haha.

lmfao1643 | 3

#1786841 - Friday 3 December 2010 6:31

Yeaa

By tj41567 | 0

#1785564 - Friday 3 December 2010 1:58

ouch

By lexi365 | 20

#1785590 - Friday 3 December 2010 2:03

just move on...

By FYLDeep | 25

#1786161 - Friday 3 December 2010 2:13

Hint, hint, he wants you to burn down his house. Hint, hint, hint.

smokeymcpottt | 3

#1786310 - Friday 3 December 2010 2:41

He's a leprechaun!??

CaptSkippy | 9

#1787741 - Friday 3 December 2010 11:32

after he jollyranchers his cars, eggs the frame, keys it, and slashes! now how are they going to escape?

By username5000 | 0

#1786177 - Friday 3 December 2010 2:14

Awwwww :(

By a_girl_i_know | 0

#1786188 - Friday 3 December 2010 2:17

maybe he should have deleted you from his instant messaging....

griffin4 | 0

#1786198 - Friday 3 December 2010 2:18

LOSER!

Euphemism | 0

#1787571 - Friday 3 December 2010 10:26

Blocked, would be better. So the op would had never felt the pain.

By ILOLatmockdaweek | 0

#1786195 - Friday 3 December 2010 2:18

your fml makes no sense. you say you haven't talked to him in 2 years but really what you've been doing is talking to him and getting no reply. Jesus you sound annoying. next time stop if he doesn't reply after the 3rd convo.