Intimacy: Today, I was on Tinder and only one girl matched with me. She... - FML

By SplitMind95 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I was on Tinder and only one girl matched with me. She gave me a "Super-Like" so I thought she must want to get to know each other and see what happens. Nope. She recognized me as the guy who adopted the stray cat she was taking care of last year, and just wanted to know how he was doing. FML

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Who the fuck asked you?

Thanks, dad

Night terrors

By Jobless

Today, my new job e-mailed to tell me the role was no longer available, leaving me to start my job search all over again. My notice at my current job ends this week. But it's OK, because as compensation for my 'distress', the company sent £100 worth of vouchers... to the wrong address. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went to a haunted show restaurant. I needed the toilet badly, but they were inside the building, which could only be gotten to via a ghost train. The footage of me peeing myself in terror on the train was played on a big screen inside, in front of a crowd of onlookers. FML

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By meghandix89 - United States

Today, my aunt asked me to have my 13-year-old autistic cousin stay over for the night. When he got here, he told me his mom forgot his Vaseline, and asked if I'd be a dear and go get some for him. His mom informed me that he uses it to masturbate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after coming home from hanging out with a few friends, my mom told me that I shouldn't hang out with them any more. Why? Because "they are way hotter than I am and I'll never get a boyfriend if I'm always the ugly one in my group." FML

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By ellen77 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I had to babysit two kids. It all went well until one of them duct taped a knife to a toy machine gun, lit the barbecue on fire, and ran around like a wild banshee screaming obscenities. The other one got scared and climbed onto the roof of the house. FML

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By Shadowfigure23 - United States

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

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By Anonymous

Hygiene 101

Today, my mother refused to talk to me because I wouldn't let her use my deodorant stick. FML

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By Dave - United States - Brookfield

Today, I left my number on my receipt for a cute waitress. As I was leaving the bar, she came running out and called me over. I obviously got excited. Turns out I'd forgotten to sign my slip. FML

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By Anonymous

Zing!

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

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By grounded4life - United States

Today, I tried to make my mom feel better about me leaving for camp for 2 weeks by saying I wish she would come too. She took me seriously and called the camp and is now a camp counselor there. The only problem is I lied about going to the camp, and I'm really going to my boyfriend's lake house. FML

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By TheRoad42 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, when I got back to my dorm, I found a trail of ants trying to shove a dead roach into a power outlet. The front desk insists that there is no pest problem. FML

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By HaroldLames - 1/3/2021 11:01

What have you got yourself into?

Today, the court is unable to allow me to divorce my wife because she is pregnant with our child. I have to wait until AFTER the baby is born, so that she is born inside of a marriage and not be an "illegitimate child". I was planning to move out of our house to go live with my high school sweetheart this weekend. FML

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By ughhh123456789 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my old neighbor's bathroom, because he asked me to and I didn't want to be rude. Plus, I was getting paid. He told me to "get the floor pearly white." So I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed. Turns out the floor tiles are naturally a dull yellowish. I didn't get paid. FML

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By katrina2d - United States - Vancouver

Today, my dad and I were having a conversation about boneless chicken. He told me that they are raised boneless, going into detail, and I bought every word of it. Not until he started laughing did I realize how gullible I really am. I'm 22. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I was fired from job as a personal trainer. Why? Because I was working out with a friend while off-duty. Apparently, working out with a friend on a day off means I am training them under the table. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my doctor died. Last week, after a check up I'd had because I was worried about a cough, he told me not to worry because I was as healthy as he was. FML

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By nowsingle - Canada

Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML

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By not a whore! - 30/8/2020 07:05 - United States - Madison

Can't catch a break

Today my sister was complaining about all the inaccuracies in Grey's Anatomy and how it negatively portrayed nurses. I’m a massage therapist. Almost everything portrays us as cheap whores. I’ve even been propositioned several times. When I pointed this out, she and the rest of my family laughed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tripped and fell going up the stairs, not once, but twice at work as I was leading customers through our building. I actually got bruises. FML

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By Snow White

Today, I'm so pale that I managed to get a sunburn while sitting in a bus. FML

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By im_a_mocker - United States

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

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By nycol - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old boyfriend why it is not okay to pee in the pool. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a customer asked me if I was English, because I was struggling to understand what he saying. I said yes. He then called me a liar, and said I must be "one of them Polish immigrants." Oh, and he also had a thick Scottish accent. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got an angry text, asking me why I wasn't at the staff dinner. I've been gone for the last 2 weeks, and I wasn't told about it. FML

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By Humiliated - United States

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, it was the last day of school, and I said goodbye to one of my students. She then told me how to correctly pronounce her name. I'd said it wrong all year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Unionville

Today, the girl of my dreams asked me if I wanted to go biking with her. "Just the two of us," she said. I had to turn her down because I'm 17 years old and never learned how to ride a bike. FML

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By ameremanapparently - United States - Carlisle

Today, someone told my girlfriend that I cheated on her. I've never cheated in my life. Instead of talking to me about it, she made a big post on Facebook about what a dick I am. Pretty much all the comments went along the lines of "What a bastard." and "Ugh, men are pigs." FML

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By gracie511

Today, my flight was delayed 3 hours so I was scrolling through my phone. Minding my own business, I was swiping through tinder and some guy behind me goes, “Ouch; hard no for that one?” And I turn around only to see the man I JUST swiped left on. FML.

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By Blöde Gans - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, my mom booked a family trip to Sweden. This would be great, if she hadn't asked me to tell our former German exchange student that we were coming to visit her in Germany. She was thrilled. Now I have to be the one to let her down. FML

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By Jake - United States

Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML

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By leonuniz - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

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By sunburychick - Australia

Today, I realised that the man who I wanted to be with, the man who wanted to be with me, and my husband were three different people. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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By Frustrated

Today, I couldn't convince my grandmother that no matter how much she called AT&T, they will not come and fix her dead computer. FML

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By Zak - United States

Today, I've been sick with both a chest cold and a sore throat. As a result, I've also been dehydrated, causing me to have a headache. Whenever I cough, I feel like my throat is being ripped apart and my head is about to explode. FML

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By psychobunnycutie - 29/1/2021 14:02

Cut her off

Today, my mom messaged me and was acting weird, we don't have a real relationship. Turns out, she wanted to tell me to stop posting selfies because "it's making her feel bad about her appearance." The worst part? She said, "My husband likes you more than me sexually." That's your big concern? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winter Park

Today, I walked 6 miles to see my girlfriend. After 5 and a half miles, she broke up with me because I never visit her. FML

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By Fairy31 - United States

Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML

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By Lyle - 13/12/2020 01:07 - United Kingdom

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, after my father in law upset my 6-year-old son by telling him creating a world in Minecraft is a sin, because only god is allowed to create worlds so all Minecraft players will burn in hell one day, it's been 5 days since he's slept right because he’s scared the Devil will burn him if he falls asleep. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#6690756 - Saturday 17 September 2016 1:13

Maybe that was an ice breaker and she is interested too? And if not her, you'll find someone else. Don't give up!

By Tripartita | 44

#6690758 - Saturday 17 September 2016 1:20

Fair warning to anyone considering making a pussy/cat pun: I've laced the comments section with a genetic virus targeting posters of such comments. So no "but I thought Tinder was made for finding pussy" or else… no, not ME! I created yo—*choking sounds*

COMMENTS

By ToriDawnn | 6

#6690753 - Saturday 17 September 2016 1:01

I personally don't see this as a FML, honestly I find it sweet that she bothered to check up on the cat. And don't you worry, eventually you will find love!

Reply

PurpleMyth | 28

#6690767 - Saturday 17 September 2016 2:04

Unless he doesn't.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6690776 - Saturday 17 September 2016 2:42

Eventually = years

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6690876 - Saturday 17 September 2016 6:22

But probably not on Tinder...

By Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6690755 - Saturday 17 September 2016 1:05

I don't see the issue here

By WCARlover | 34

#6690756 - Saturday 17 September 2016 1:13

Maybe that was an ice breaker and she is interested too? And if not her, you'll find someone else. Don't give up!

By Tripartita | 44

#6690758 - Saturday 17 September 2016 1:20

Fair warning to anyone considering making a pussy/cat pun: I've laced the comments section with a genetic virus targeting posters of such comments. So no "but I thought Tinder was made for finding pussy" or else… no, not ME! I created yo—*choking sounds*

Reply

Welshite | 39

#6690762 - Saturday 17 September 2016 1:26

Purrfect. Your death will feed the trolls of FML for years to come.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6690877 - Saturday 17 September 2016 6:24

but I thought Tinder was made for finding pussy

...Hmm, I guess he was ly - *silence*

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6692112 - Monday 19 September 2016 7:05

Genetic virus? Sounds tricky.

By OysterPearls | 33

#6690759 - Saturday 17 September 2016 1:21

If it's one thing a girl likes, its a guy with a sensitive side, and taking good care of a helpless creature showcases that. I think this is a great way to get to know someone, who knows what might happen?

By CheeseyWolf | 9

#6690761 - Saturday 17 September 2016 1:23

So...how is he doing?

Reply

lakesofire | 13

#6690773 - Saturday 17 September 2016 2:25

was going to comment the same thing. genuinely curious about how the kitty is ^_^

Reply

leyleyfr1134 | 12

#6690945 - Saturday 17 September 2016 9:08

I waS gonna say the same thing
love cats

By Chesnut30 | 5

#6690763 - Saturday 17 September 2016 1:28

it was a convo topic, she did want to get to know you, ya fucked up fam

By heheitscece | 16

#6690769 - Saturday 17 September 2016 2:09

Don't fret, it may just be an excuse to talk to you!

By nigeriangirl | 13

#6690775 - Saturday 17 September 2016 2:39

Invite her to your place for a cat visitation and lunch. Who knows you both may start something off.

By GhostFox | 33

#6690823 - Saturday 17 September 2016 4:29

As a cat lover myself, that sounds an awful lot like a shy attempt to start a conversation or get an invite over to see the cat.

Reply with pictures of said cat.