Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something...

By mauimango7 - 27/7/2010 10:07 - United States

Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something from the bookshelf, and my boyfriend was below me. I asked, "So, would you catch me if I fell?" He looked back at me, paused for a moment before saying, "How much do you weigh again?" FML

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Health

White line fever

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Great boyfriend

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I decided to be funny and tell him I was Iron Man and nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college to visit my family, after my mother had a stroke a few weeks back. She ended up being the only person who remembered to get me anything. She also thinks it's still 2009. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 07:54 - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

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By badparent - 8/4/2013 04:26 - Australia - Southport

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

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By Stressy - 12/2/2010 11:39 - United Kingdom

Today, in my psychology class, we were given a sheet that had a list of stressful events and we were to select the ones we had experienced in the last 12 months. I got highest in my class of above an 80% chance of getting a life threatening illness due to stress. Everyone laughed. FML

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By Anna - 6/4/2009 10:41 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage boys, and surprisingly they were paying attention. After they left, I went to the bathroom and saw I had missed a few buttons on my blouse. The boys had a close up view of my cleavage for 3 hours. FML

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By Username - 24/2/2010 15:06 - France

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

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By Noname - 28/1/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I marked the 6th anniversary of the last time I had intercourse. FML

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By anonymous - 4/9/2014 01:31 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, it was report card day at swimming lessons. Because it was the last day, a little girl brought me flowers. She was the only kid in that class who didn't pass. FML

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By Bonapp - 9/2/2012 22:11 - France

Today, I was invited over by my girlfriend's parents, but I couldn't bring myself to take part in their discussions. During a lull in conversation, I noticed everyone was staring at me. Covering myself while I tried to think of something to say, I grabbed an apple and took a bite. It was plastic. FML

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By howaboutno - 14/3/2013 09:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, whom I haven't heard from in a whole month, turned up at my door because it was apparently "steak and blowjob day." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2014 18:51 - United States - Athens

Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML

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By idiot - 28/6/2020 08:07

Double trouble

Today, I was sitting on my bike texting when someone snatched my phone and ran. Like an idiot, I jumped off my bike and ran after him. He then ran in a big circle, got on my bike and sped off. FML

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By pistonchamp159 - 28/8/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML

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By and the truth comes out - 22/7/2014 08:44 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, my boyfriend reckoned that he has a better sleep when he falls asleep with his hand on either my boobs or my ass. I kind of just laughed it off. I later discovered he's 100% correct when he put his hand on my butt, and not five minutes later was snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2013 21:37 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I asked out the girl who always looks and smiles at me in class. I was surprised when she rejected me until I found out she was actually always looking at the clock behind me, and smiling when class is almost over. FML

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By homerr123 - 23/12/2013 17:35 - India - Mumbai

Today, my manager rejected my leave application for Christmas. Later I found out that I'm going to be the only employee working at the office during Christmas. FML

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By PoopTart - 29/4/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2017 02:00

Today, I caught my 29-year-old brother-in-law scratching his poison ivy with a handful of forks before putting them back in the drawer. I called him on it and he huffed, "You've never said anything before." FML

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By pukishgirl - 18/11/2010 12:12 - India

Today, my boss was skeptical when I told her I had a terrible migraine and needed to go home for the day early. I removed all her doubts by puking over her. FML

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By depressedpreggo - 18/11/2012 11:00 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I turned around I noticed a group of teens passing by laughing. I didn't think anything of it until I got to my cart. The losers had left a pack of Slim Fast in my cart. I'm pregnant. FML

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By Teddy Bear - 12/1/2019 16:00

Today, while working in a kids' shop, I absent-mindedly called a small person with his mum a little man. I then hear a deep man's voice say "I'm not a little man." FML

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By BoobSicle - 17/4/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my boobs and sent it to my boyfriend, only to realize after I hit "send" that I had sent them to the taxi driver (my last phone call) who had just dropped me off at my house. He won't stop calling my phone now. FML

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By sorethumb - 15/12/2015 23:39 - United Kingdom - Bookham

Today, while observing a surgery, I was asked to open a glass ampule of adrenaline. Not only did I break it and get it everywhere, I sliced open my thumb bad enough to need stitches. FML

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By Jonny - 9/1/2012 04:07 - United States

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

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By fuck Star Wars! - 31/5/2020 08:00

In a galaxy far, far away

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a massive argument. I suggested we have a movie night. He suggested an all day/night Star Wars marathon. I’d be OK, if it wasn’t for the fact that we’ve done that at least five times in the last two months. He says I’m the one being unfair. FML

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By anonymous - 17/7/2012 04:54 - Canada - Boucherville

Today, while I was volunteering at the homeless shelter, one of them "accidentally" kissed me. It felt like my face was being sucked by a vacuum. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2011 10:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

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By grounded4life - 22/7/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I tried to make my mom feel better about me leaving for camp for 2 weeks by saying I wish she would come too. She took me seriously and called the camp and is now a camp counselor there. The only problem is I lied about going to the camp, and I'm really going to my boyfriend's lake house. FML

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By I don't want to be here anymore - 3/11/2014 21:16 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, realized I need a new job. This happened when I was seriously considering ways to break my leg so I could stay at home for a day and not have to deal with my boss. FML

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By bobby - 14/3/2010 03:17 - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend thinks I'm too high maintenance because I have a chronic illness which requires frequent hospitalization. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2009 17:03 - United States

Today, I was at the park with my autistic son when I noticed a teenage girl imitating him by flapping her hands and walking on her toes. Fed up with children mocking my son, I went over and sternly lectured the girl's mother. Turns out, her daughter is autistic too and will be in my son's class. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2014 10:04 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I asked my daughter to buy me two pints of milk. Apparently, the shop only had four-pints, so she got that and poured half down the drain. FML

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By Kitty_Gem - 27/8/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my mother told me I should think about quitting school. She explained that the reason was because she didn't want me to be more successful than my older sisters. FML

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By shoopbadeewoop - 8/3/2014 21:43

Today, it was snowing. After answering a call, I put my phone into my jacket pocket, and hurried across the road. I quickly realised my phone hadn't slipped into my pocket after all, and I turned around in time to see a snowplow go by. I couldn't find my phone in the snowdrifts. FML

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By Timebaseboy - 21/10/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, the driver side mirror of my car was smashed off and laying on the ground. On the window was a $75.00 ticket for improper equipment for not having a mirror. FML

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By izu - 16/9/2011 05:40 - United States

Today, my mom decided to only speak to me through our pet cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 02:55 - Canada

Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML

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By Hahaha - 29/1/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy the Plan B pill. The pharmacist recognized me and said, "Really? Again?" FML

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Top comments

By 5t3ff1k4h | 44

#1148730 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:06

Your boyfriend is a win.

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1148851 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:24

so, the FML here is that you can't take a joke?

Comments

By 5t3ff1k4h | 44

#1148730 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:06

Your boyfriend is a win.

Mrs_Mcgee | 0

#1148772 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:08

lol. damn.

ThatsJustMii | 0

#1148821 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:10

haha

selenagirl_fml | 0

#1148845 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:21

funny stuff... he needs to take his precautions....

JohnnyHobo | 0

#1148856 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:25

Hahha aw you would squishie him:((

legonut4 | 0

#1148886 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:27

it's funny because he thinks your fat

knight0748 | 5

#1148904 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:33

that's a valid question, so how much do you weight? and how much can your bf bench?

supergirl69_fml | 0

#1149037 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:57

haha 18, hangover reference?

twinny_sc | 13

#1149124 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 20:08

Well...how much do you weigh?

justsayfuck | 5

#1149146 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 20:11

#26 I think this was the Family Guy reference. Hangover would be 'It's funny cuz you're fat' :)

Shookitup | 0

#1149207 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 20:25

how much do you weigh??

TurboTalon | 0

#1149384 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 21:14

The transporter needs to know the exact weight and dimensions of a package before making a deal.

xtfauthorx | 0

#1149513 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 21:56

really I've been telling people that since third grade, I'm sort of a douche

andrea_calderon | 0

#1149654 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 22:54

lol

jellybeans4833 | 7

#1150004 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 1:02

lol 15

JayColt | 0

#1150414 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 2:44

26 ummm no just because it was said in a movie doesn't means it's a refrence??

M4V3R1CKR13 | 0

#1150970 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 4:42

number 4 is homosexual? correct?

M4V3R1CKR13 | 0

#1150984 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 4:44

what happend to 4 comment?

ciciloves96 | 0

#1150993 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 4:46

agreed with 9 haha

zanguard | 0

#1151071 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 5:08

but then he burns the details

nateypooo | 0

#1151753 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 8:41

he was probably joking

tanjoodo | 3

#1152625 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 15:59

#1 WIN

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1155264 - Thursday 29 July 2010 5:07

18's "catch" is explaining the obvious in every FML. He's essentially a parrot, hence the pic.

Now I've done the same to him.

spktr | 1

#1157220 - Thursday 29 July 2010 16:34

that's what happens when you ask loaded questions

By KittehKatt | 0

#1148817 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:10

how much do you weigh...?

By bcamgirl | 0

#1148831 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:11

laugh laugh laugh

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1148846 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:21

Orrrrr, you know, you could've just gotten up off the couch to grab it

JayColt | 0

#1150431 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 2:47

11 = dumazz. she needed to stand on the arm of the couch to reach the book

hetalia_thailand | 20

#6008241 - Monday 14 July 2014 23:54

Orrr maybe OP is too short I reach it and had to stand on the arm of the couch to get it. Duh.

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1148851 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:24

so, the FML here is that you can't take a joke?

nebula748 | 14

#1149335 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 21:04

pretty much

By Geiko_fml | 0

#1148852 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:24

I wouldn't think that's something to necessarily get upset about. What if he was just joking around? I understand you can be sensitive to your weight, but have faith in the boyfriend. Lol.