Health: Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something...

By mauimango7 - United States

Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something from the bookshelf, and my boyfriend was below me. I asked, "So, would you catch me if I fell?" He looked back at me, paused for a moment before saying, "How much do you weigh again?" FML

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Health

And today, on Dr Phil…

Family matters

Forever the bridesmaid

By First World Problems - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Afterwards, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have my favourite meal. I got to watch them enjoy it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML

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By izaya - United States - Muskogee

Today, I woke up with a electric dog collar on my neck. I wouldn't have noticed it until my stepfather turned the collar to the highest intensity just to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27001

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By SoGoodAtLife - Canada - Toronto

Today, I gave my boss a ride home from work. I had my phone on hands-free mode, so all calls would come through on speaker. I got a call from the new job I was applying at, with my boss listening to each word. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19257

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By wow - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that I wasn't really allergic to chocolate. My parents made it up when I was a child because they didn't want me to get fat. FML

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42855

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By scared to leave the house - Canada - Williams Lake

Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man beside me was talking to his friend. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him point at me and say, "See that beautiful girl over there?" Flattered, I listened closer, until he finished his statement with, "She's gonna die." FML

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29023

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By Mylifesucks - United States - Lexington

Today, I was stuck in my apartment complex's elevator. I was shouting out for help when a voice came screaming, "This is the fire department." I was relieved until he said, "Just kidding." FML

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51213

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By tasian14 - 1/1/2021 17:01

Here's to a better year

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years decided on New Year's Eve to get on his knees and tell me that he cheated on me with his ex, and they're getting back together. Yay last day of 2020! FML

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By Becca Velveeta

Easy mistake to make

Today, my mother's boyfriend sent me pictures of my mom sucking him off. FML

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2896

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171

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By loser - France

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML

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12571

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

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5442

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

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34181

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By Snowflakepandi

Sneaky sneaky...

Today, while on vacation, I found out that my boyfriend moved out. He had claimed that he couldn't come with me because his boss messed up his time off request, and for the last two days he said he'd been "cleaning". FML

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3384

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By Chewy - United Kingdom

Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML

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45412

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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24134

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By wasntme - Netherlands

Today, I finally passed a math exam. I go home super excited to tell my mom, yelling "Mom! Guess what!?!?!" She turns to me all happy and goes "You finally got a boyfriend!?!?!?" FML

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67445

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By chachi - United States

Today, I awoke in bed with my boyfriend and his dog. After some pushing and prodding, I thought my boyfriend was trying to move the dog out of the way to cuddle with me. It turns out, he was moving the dog closer to him. My boyfriend would rather spoon with his dog than me. FML

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36914

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6658

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my school's crowded auditorium. When our single, abstinence-only ballsack of a Sex Ed teacher was announced to be stepping down due to being pregnant, I burst into uncontrollable laughter. My reward was aching sides and a week of detention. FML

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31757

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By lee - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over breakfast. In the afternoon I got to smile at him prettily for hours because he was the photographer in a session neither of us could get out of. FML

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35162

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband invited a couple of his college friends over for dinner. While we were in the middle of eating, one of them asked loudly, "Hey, whatever happened to that fat bitch you dated in your third year?" We've been dating since his second year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Davis

Today, I realized that I will be leaving for the US Marine Corps in June, and the presidential election is in November. I could potentially be serving with Trump as my Commander-in-Chief. FML

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30316

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By lilipalmer - France

Today, I awoke after 4 hours of surgery. The male nurse taking care of me is cute, very cute. I'm trying my best to seem fine and dandy when he tells me that I can't eat anything before my next poop, adding, "And don't flush it, OK? I need to check." FML

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36425

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By Imaman - United States

Today, I was working at a retirement center, when an old woman came to me and asked if I would like her old clothes. I politely said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a guy." She then said, "You could have just said no, instead of rudely lying to me." FML

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39755

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By awkward - Canada - Okotoks

Today, at a grocery store, a man came up to me while I was picking out apples and whispered in my ear, "That's how Snow White died." FML

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By Australian Lifeguard - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML

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By ThisGuy97 - United States

Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

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14879

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By uh huh sure - 9/7/2020 05:01

Subtle

Today, my mother-in-law, who isn't southern, who’s family isn’t southern, and has never even mentioned any interest in anything even remotely southern, decided to give us a baby gift: a hand-crocheted confederate flag blanket. We’re an interracial couple. I think she’s trying to tell me something. FML

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2388

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By SilkySmooth

Today, I realised why my room has been smelling like berries and why sex has been so uncomfortable recently. Apparently boyfriend doesn't know the difference between hair conditioner and lube. FML

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2679

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407

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By little_star78 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I tried to put the little girl I babysit in timeout for lying to me. I was about to sit her down when she made a mad dash for the basement stairs, slipped on the wood floor, and fell down them. She told her parents and everyone at the ER that I had thrown her down the stairs. FML

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60054

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By strangebeans - United States

Today, my parents informed that the man I am going to marry made the newspaper, on page twelve. He is listed as a fugitive and there is a warrant out for his arrest. FML

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29538

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By notyoueallie - United States

Today, I got woken up by Hallelujah blasting outside my apartment windows for 30 minutes straight. FML

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26404

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3806

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By qwaynick

Today, my wife got her second kidney stone in a month. I gave her some pills to help with the pain. An hour later she started hallucinating, pulled down her pants and tried to pee on our couch. FML

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32944

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By walkingdictionary - Canada - Toronto

Today, a four-year-old said a word that I didn't know the meaning of. I had to look up the definition. FML

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By Al - Australia - Turramurra

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

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13243

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By gymbob - United States

Today, I was walking on the track when this really cute guy shows up. I was hot and sweaty, and wanted to impress him by pouring water on myself. Instead of being turned on, all he saw was me wiping my face on my shirt screaming. It wasn't water, I forgot I had brought Sprite. FML

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12753

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By MegaZeo - United States - Livermore

Today, I could not decide what was sadder: the fact that I have to work on New Year's Eve, or that fact that working on New Year's Eve is still the most exciting thing I've ever done for New Year's Eve. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30616

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3255

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By fmljae

Today, I rented a 4x4 to take my wife to a secret secluded beach for our anniversary. I got as close as I could to the spot and parked on the beach. After a few romantic hours we returned to find the car half way up the windows with water. I forgot it was king tide. FML

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10792

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By Anonymous

Spooky

Today, I work as a RGN in an old victorian-style nursing home. Due to Covid-19, we've lost many residents, one passing just the night prior while I was with him. This morning, the TV turned on its own at nearly 4 a.m. in the lounge, and one of the HCAs reported stuff falling off in the corridor. FML

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1531

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138

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By Heather - United States

Today, I thought I would make my first trip to the beach. While in the water, I was stung by a jellyfish. My friend had to pee on me. I went back into the water to wash the pee off and got stung by another jellyfish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I have an extra key. I snuck into his bed with sleep with him and noticed how soft his skin was. Turns out I had been feeling up the girl he was sleeping with and he was in the bathroom. FML

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Top comments

By 5t3ff1k4h | 44

#1148730 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:06

Your boyfriend is a win.

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1148851 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:24

so, the FML here is that you can't take a joke?

COMMENTS

By 5t3ff1k4h | 44

#1148730 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:06

Your boyfriend is a win.

Mrs_Mcgee | 0

#1148772 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:08

lol. damn.

ThatsJustMii | 0

#1148821 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:10

haha

selenagirl_fml | 0

#1148845 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:21

funny stuff... he needs to take his precautions....

JohnnyHobo | 0

#1148856 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:25

Hahha aw you would squishie him:((

legonut4 | 0

#1148886 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:27

it's funny because he thinks your fat

knight0748 | 5

#1148904 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:33

that's a valid question, so how much do you weight? and how much can your bf bench?

supergirl69_fml | 0

#1149037 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:57

haha 18, hangover reference?

twinny_sc | 13

#1149124 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 20:08

Well...how much do you weigh?

justsayfuck | 5

#1149146 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 20:11

#26 I think this was the Family Guy reference. Hangover would be 'It's funny cuz you're fat' :)

Shookitup | 0

#1149207 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 20:25

how much do you weigh??

TurboTalon | 0

#1149384 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 21:14

The transporter needs to know the exact weight and dimensions of a package before making a deal.

xtfauthorx | 0

#1149513 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 21:56

really I've been telling people that since third grade, I'm sort of a douche

andrea_calderon | 0

#1149654 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 22:54

lol

jellybeans4833 | 7

#1150004 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 1:02

lol 15

JayColt | 0

#1150414 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 2:44

26 ummm no just because it was said in a movie doesn't means it's a refrence??

M4V3R1CKR13 | 0

#1150970 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 4:42

number 4 is homosexual? correct?

M4V3R1CKR13 | 0

#1150984 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 4:44

what happend to 4 comment?

ciciloves96 | 0

#1150993 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 4:46

agreed with 9 haha

zanguard | 0

#1151071 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 5:08

but then he burns the details

nateypooo | 0

#1151753 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 8:41

he was probably joking

tanjoodo | 3

#1152625 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 15:59

#1 WIN

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1155264 - Thursday 29 July 2010 5:07

18's "catch" is explaining the obvious in every FML. He's essentially a parrot, hence the pic.

Now I've done the same to him.

spktr | 1

#1157220 - Thursday 29 July 2010 16:34

that's what happens when you ask loaded questions

By KittehKatt | 0

#1148817 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:10

how much do you weigh...?

By bcamgirl | 0

#1148831 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:11

laugh laugh laugh

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1148846 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:21

Orrrrr, you know, you could've just gotten up off the couch to grab it

JayColt | 0

#1150431 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 2:47

11 = dumazz. she needed to stand on the arm of the couch to reach the book

hetalia_thailand | 20

#6008241 - Monday 14 July 2014 23:54

Orrr maybe OP is too short I reach it and had to stand on the arm of the couch to get it. Duh.

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1148851 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:24

so, the FML here is that you can't take a joke?

nebula748 | 14

#1149335 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 21:04

pretty much

By Geiko_fml | 0

#1148852 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 19:24

I wouldn't think that's something to necessarily get upset about. What if he was just joking around? I understand you can be sensitive to your weight, but have faith in the boyfriend. Lol.