Intimacy: Today, I was on my way home from a friends house. I called home...

By hlev24 - United States

Today, I was on my way home from a friends house. I called home ahead of time to let my parents know. My dad picked up and in a panting voice said, "Now isn't a good time, drive around the block for 15 minutes." FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Serious times

Doomed

By Yoir mom - United States - Port Richey

Very bad idea

Today, I realized I was late for work, so I rushed out of bed only to accidentally step onto my dog which then promptly bit my leg and now I'm in the ER. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

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By HGTV - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, after changing his mind 3 times, my long distance fiancé told me he wasn't coming to see me for Thanksgiving. Out of anger, I threw his clothes, car magazines, and whatever else I could find in a huge, messy pile. During this, he walked into the room. He was going to surprise me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wheaton

Today, my girlfriend hasn't spoken to me in a week, so I gave her a call. No reply. I texted her, and got a text back saying: "Sorry, dude. Better luck next time!" FML

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By Victor - 24/12/2020 14:02

It's a holly jolly Christmas…

Today, I usually take my daughter to daycare; my wife had to drop her daughter off at 8. The kid refused to get up, making them late. Wife argues with me, claiming I made her late. She said hurtful things and left late at 8:30. We haven't spoken and probably won't for the rest of Christmas week. I love Christmas. FML

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By heterolifepartner - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years role-plays on the internet, pretending to have sex with men. His response when I confronted him about it? "Which specific incidents are you referring to?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm spending the night with the guy I've been interested in for a while. Instead of sleeping in the same bed together, he insists that I sleep in another room because he "doesn't want to be tempted to do anything." So, I'm alone, in my best lingerie, in his little brother's room. FML

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By asstomouth - France

Today, I wasn't feeling well, so I took my temperature with a thermometer from my sister's bathroom. I later found out that I actually used my sister's rectal thermometer. At least I don't have a fever. FML

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By lancus - 7/6/2020 14:06

Patriotic ass

Today, my 6-year-old daughter and I were leaving a swimming pool when we passed the front desk, where there was a Canadian flag. She said, "Look daddy! A maple leaf! Just like on your ass!” I forgot that she knew about my tattoo and the flag. We ran out as people burst out laughing. FML

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By IceWrath - United Kingdom - York

Today, my elderly dad learned how to use Facebook. He now spends most of his time messaging me about his meals, his bowel movements and his foot fungus. He's now learning how to use Skype. FML

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By EFFED4LIFE - United States

Today, I was late to school for the third time this week because my alarm clock didn't go off. I clearly remembered setting it, so I videotaped myself sleeping. It turns out I've been turning off my alarm clock in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was talking about my grandma's approaching death. When she saw I was getting upset, she gave me a weird look and asked me if I was PMSing. FML

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By dukemisery - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, while sitting down on the dentist's chair, the tooth to be removed came out on its own. I still had to pay $50 for the cotton and advice. FML

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By omgstfuplz - United States

Today, I was arguing with one of my professors. She said that all married couples fight and I told her that my parents have never argued or fought about anything. When I got home my parents told me that they're getting a divorce. FML

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By alejandro38 - United States

Today, I had an interview. I didn't get the job because apparently customers might not understand me, since I "talk too good." I just graduated with an English degree. FML

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By shoutoutloud2him - United States

Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man thought it would be nice to help cut off the string that held the tree together. The branches hit me in the face and the guy managed to cut my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reno

Today, I spent well over an hour waiting for customer service to assist me with my forgotten password, only to realize, 5 minutes into the conversation, that I had never created an account in the first place. FML

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By PissyPants - United States

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

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By tenniemo - United States - Green Valley

Today, I’m pet-sitting for my parents while they’re on vacation. So far, one cat has projectile vomited all over the living room, and another has pooped in their bed. Twice. My parents were not concerned when I called, and said this is normal behavior. FML

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By manhandled - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder to take me to his room. He wasn't careful enough, and dropped me right on my head, on the hardwood floor. I ended up vomiting and came down with a headache. He still wanted to have sex. FML

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By fuq - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

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By boom - United States

Today, my crush gave me a ride home. When I opened the door to get out, he switched the gear to reverse, thinking the car was in park. I got run over by the car door. FML

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By u_n0_mE - United States

Today, I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML

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By fuck - Canada - Cowansville

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML

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By axel519 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

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By Kayla - United States

Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency room. The first thing the doctor said to me was, "Well, that must have been 'beary' uncomfortable." The entire room burst into laughter. FML

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Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my soon-to-be ex-husband's baby from the moment we agreed to have sex one last time together. FML

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By an unlucky man - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

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By badsister - United States

Today, I made a batch of "special" brownies for a party I was going to tonight. I wrapped them up and put them on the counter with a note that said DO NOT EAT. Later on I came home from some errands to find a tray of half eaten brownies and my ten year old sister passed out on the couch. FML

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By TCRII

Today, my wife said she wants a divorce. Three days ago, I added her onto the title to my house, my bank accounts, and my business. FML

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By GAGirl1 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to drive to India. Thinking he meant Indiana, I said sure, knowing I have friends there. He said, "Bangladesh, India, here we come!" He was serious. FML

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By marie0908 - France - Siros

Today, my 6-year-old son asked me what a "sex toy" was. Not really knowing what to tell him, I said it was a game. He's asked for one for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I accidentally knocked over a mall Santa on his way to meet some children. I've never had that many hate-filled eyes on me at once. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette

Today, I found the purse that some asshat stole from my 15-year-old sister a few days ago. I found it in my now ex-boyfriend's closet. When I confronted him, he broke up with me for "invading" his privacy and kicked me out, without the purse. FML

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By Rejected - Australia

Today, my six year old son came up to me with his arms spread and said, "I feel like a hug." I got really excited and hopeful because he is very anti-social and hates physical contact. As soon as I stood up to hug him he said "Feeling's gone" and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, for reasons that I dare not ask, I received a topless selfie from my Nan followed quickly by a simple sorry text. Sorry is not going to pay for the years of therapy I need. FML

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By bunkbed - Canada

Today, I bought my daughter a bunk bed. After spending several hours building it, she climbed up, then fainted. Turns out she's afraid of heights. FML

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By Bleach dat Blood

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

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Top comments

By LittleMissMack | 0

#13239 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:30

Parents have sex, it's not that big of a deal. And its better than "Today, I didn't call my parents to let them know I was coming home. I walked in and heard my dad f*cking my mom. FML."

By ajscott | 0

#13234 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:28

Look on the bright side. At least you didn't walk in on them having sex on the living room floor.

COMMENTS

By j00lie | 0

#13209 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:23

OMG.
i am so sorry.
your life is definitely fucked.
:|||

JPLovesAnimals | 4

#3175545 - Thursday 25 August 2011 3:13

Nahh. But his dad is. Rofl.

martialart1st18 | 19

#5857625 - Friday 14 February 2014 1:29

He was probably exercising

By TBR | 0

#13211 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:23

What is that saying "You can't go home again" Lmao I hope you went some place for a while (a shrink maby)

brandonlee69 | 5

#2311835 - Friday 8 April 2011 2:30

fatty

britania | 0

#2451111 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 7:15

hey that's not nice

kroekdog | 7

#3207017 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 21:43

He is a sexy mutherfucker

By rlykewl | 0

#13222 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:25

lmfaoooo

By nimleh | 0

#13233 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:28

Oh my, I'm so sorry! That is truly fucked up.

By ajscott | 0

#13234 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:28

Look on the bright side. At least you didn't walk in on them having sex on the living room floor.

By LittleMissMack | 0

#13239 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:30

Parents have sex, it's not that big of a deal. And its better than "Today, I didn't call my parents to let them know I was coming home. I walked in and heard my dad f*cking my mom. FML."