Transportation: Today, I was on an airplane, waiting to go to the bathroom. After...

By Anonymous - Sweden - Solna

Today, I was on an airplane, waiting to go to the bathroom. After a few minutes, the man behind me asked what I was waiting for, and checked the bathroom. It was empty, and there was a big line behind me. FML

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Transportation

The smell detective is on the case

This Charming Man

Bad guy (duh)

By Keesha - 18/3/2021 19:30 - United States - Loveland

Kinky

Today, my mother bitched at me for spending $200 on a new clothes I needed for my new job as a bank teller. I then received a notification on my phone that my mother's lingerie order was shipped. She spent $800 on teddies and crotchless panties. FML

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By HunniBeeHuni - United States

Today, I was leaving the train station when a man came up to me and asked me if I have an unlimited metrocard to swipe him in. I did have an unlimited card so I told him sure. While taking out my metrocard from my wallet, he grabbed my wallet and ran away as fast as he could. FML

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By I tried

Lockdown is driving us down

Today, my husband went on a tirade, accusing me of bullying and being too hard on our kids. Apparently, I’m taking this homeschool thing too serious, and I need to cut them a break. All I did was make them write their letters and numbers on paper instead of just using their tablets. Yeah, real mean. FML

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By wtfuraretard - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over, all just to unclog his toilet. It was clogged because he put my phone in it while he was taking a dump to see if it would actually flush. FML

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By SpaceAstronaut - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while listening to my iPod, on the lowest volume possible. My girlfriend woke me up by turning the volume all the way up. I still can't hear out of both ears. FML

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By sotter42 - 20/7/2020 17:01

Meddling

Today, my father-in-law decided he was going to just completely take over our engagement party, so now my fiancé just wants to go to Reno and get married there. FML

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By Tom - United States - Antelope

Today, I went for my usual morning run. Halfway through, I needed to pee, so I found a perfect bush… to walk in on a lady who had also stopped to pee. I was called a pervert. FML

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By brooklyn0118

Today, I got home to find my dog had found and eaten my wedding rings. I get married in 2 days. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend decided to fart in our bathtub to see if it would echo. It wasn’t a fart. FML

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By Username

Today, I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication due to the high level of stress that I experience at my job. Unfortunately, I cannot afford the medication because I do not make enough money at said job. FML

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By Hth - United States

Today, I farted A LOT during my exam, all silent so I figured I should be OK. Then I looked around and everybody was suffocating and giving me sly looks. I am now known to everyone in the department as SuperFart. FML

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By huj - United States

Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML

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By fmlgrl - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to a corner store to re-stock my chocolate stash. A guy from work walked in to see me and the cashier arguing about the amount of candy I was trying to buy with a jar of pennies. He took one look at me and said, "That time of the month, eh?" FML

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Today, my flatmate wanted to introduce me to his new friend, saying we'd, "get along great". Within the first half hour, she'd used the word "lit" eight times, and dabbed four times. FML

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By 092492 - United States

Today, I was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery. I had diarrhea and because I can't properly bend my knee, I can't wipe my butt. FML

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By Van - United States

Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

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By restraining orders are just paper - 20/3/2021 23:00

Real housewives

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. The constant harassment, threats and stalking by my ex-wife have finally driven her away. This is the third time this has happened. My ex physically beat the other two up, and now she’s scared away the one I wanted to marry. The courts have done nothing. FML

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By dinosaurman - Canada

Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

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By mel - United States

Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML

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By Emma Five - United States

Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML

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By what - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my boyfriend about his views on personal growth. He replied, "What, you mean dick size?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Darwin

Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML

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By gs - United States

Today, I pulled one of my favorite hoodies out of my closet, and immediately noticed several large stains on it. Apparently, my dad had managed to open a hole in the roof and couldn't be bothered to patch it, so a squirrel got in and used my closet as a litter box. FML

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By not outdoorsy - 10/7/2020 14:02

The call of the wild

Today, I haven’t been camping since I was a kid. I decided to give it another shot. I bought all the best equipment, researched all the great locations, planned a whole weekend. Turns out I still fucking hate camping and now I’m out over $400. FML

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By Anonymous

Cool

Today, I tore my calf muscle while skipping and singing Yellow Brick Road. I'm off my foot for 4-6 weeks and don't even have a cool story. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

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By Justincredible69 - United States

Today, I was legitimately sick so I called in to work. Apparently, 4 other guys on my line called in too. My boss thought we planned it. Now we're all written up. FML

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By uneek_3225 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I met his mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I heard a woman talking on her cell phone in the stall about her son's "disgusting, slutty girlfriend." The toilet flushed and my future mother-in-law walked out. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML

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By ouchies - United States

Today, I had to call the doctor to go and have them remove a tick that had got stuck to my man-parts while fishing. The receptionist laughed, she thought I was prank calling. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 22:58 - Germany

Woodland mystery

Today, walking in the woods, I heard someone screaming like crazy. First I thought it might be a hurt animal, but then I heard syllables in the screams. When I yelled, “What’s going on there?!” there was only silence. It was so creepy, I’m too scared to walk my dogs there now. FML

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By Anonymous

Grab the balls by the horn, dude

Today, the only girl I've ever had eyes for said she can't find any good single men, all while sitting next to me. FML

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By DeeElleGee - Canada

Today, at my work, I was ringing though a kid's purchase. I try to be friendly with the kids and when he handed me his cash I said "Thank you, sir!" in a playful manner. He then turns to his mom and says "Mom, why does everyone think I am a boy?". FML

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By human torch - United States

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

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By condom_kid - United States

Today, my father pulled me aside right before heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your short's pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML

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By blovesg - United States

Today, I was at the mall shoplifting when a girl who looked my age pointed to a shirt I had in my bag. "Stole that, huh?" she asked smiling. She looked pretty cool, so I nodded and asked if she stole the jeans she was wearing, which were from the store. Turns out she didn't, she's the manager. FML

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By sincerely - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally called me after a week of barely any communication. He wanted to talk to my brother about Call of Duty. FML

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By damgoose - United States

Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

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By notworthit - United States

Today, a guy I'd been seeing off and on for the past three years broke things off over a Facebook message. I replied, and told him that I was at least worth a phone call. He replied "Well, I'm sorry, I disagree." FML

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Top comments

By InsanePPG | 25

#4417335 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:05

"He kept us waiting for a bubble?"

By darkforce146 | 5

#4417286 - Thursday 10 May 2012 18:54

That's why you should knock to make sure no one is inside.

COMMENTS

By katymack | 11

#4417284 - Thursday 10 May 2012 18:54

Just say sorry and move on.

By darkforce146 | 5

#4417286 - Thursday 10 May 2012 18:54

That's why you should knock to make sure no one is inside.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4418039 - Thursday 10 May 2012 23:41

Maybe the "Occupied" sign got stuck.

scottieclark | 4

#4419166 - Friday 11 May 2012 3:52

I'd be pissed to!

zakkyzebra | 11

#4419257 - Friday 11 May 2012 4:21

People may be too embarrassed to answer... I always am.... I start coughing up what sounds like a hairball to alert potential intruders...

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4420642 - Friday 11 May 2012 15:53

59- pissed to what?

By tylersign | 11

#4417300 - Thursday 10 May 2012 18:57

You were waiting for your underwear bomb to arm. Right?

By mango260 | 9

#4417302 - Thursday 10 May 2012 18:57

It happens.

By mango260 | 9

#4417322 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:03

It happens.

By rubberduckie94 | 13

#4417323 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:03

I have been stuck behind people in line for the bathroom so many times for this reason. It is very irritating. You should always give a little knock on the door.

By SarahBearrra | 4

#4417325 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:03

Thats a bit awkward...

ChrisG93 | 8

#4417494 - Thursday 10 May 2012 20:04

Yeah that's definitely a little awkward. Lol

iloveweed6969 | 2

#4417828 - Thursday 10 May 2012 22:40

*aquard

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4420520 - Friday 11 May 2012 13:41

You don't say?

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4420644 - Friday 11 May 2012 15:54

No. Bad. No thumbs for you, dear sir.

By InsanePPG | 25

#4417335 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:05

"He kept us waiting for a bubble?"

nofearjenshere | 12

#4417574 - Thursday 10 May 2012 20:31

"It's his first time on his own."

likeAwesome | 3

#4417636 - Thursday 10 May 2012 20:57

lol

marik7410 | 6

#4417736 - Thursday 10 May 2012 21:51

"Again, congratulations"

curlyfry33 | 8

#4419839 - Friday 11 May 2012 7:51

Classic????

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4417342 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:06

I hate those toilets... I keep thinking its going to suck me into the plane's sewage pipes.

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4417436 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:34

"My ass!"
"They killed my dog, man!"
Soul plane FTW!

By usnwife | 18

#4417344 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:06

Don't all airplane bathrooms have that little window that either "occupied" when the person inside locks it or "vacant" when you know, they are vacant?