Transportation: Today, I was on an airplane, waiting to go to the bathroom. After...

By Anonymous - Sweden - Solna

Today, I was on an airplane, waiting to go to the bathroom. After a few minutes, the man behind me asked what I was waiting for, and checked the bathroom. It was empty, and there was a big line behind me. FML

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Transportation

And today, on Dr Phil…

BO Central

Sister of the year

By iloveyoutoomom - France

Today, my mom had an appointment with my teacher after class. She never showed. My teacher ended up driving me home. FML

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By thanks, fuckface - United States - Parachute

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

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By INside - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML

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By Airhead - Canada

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I did a really good job playing someone who was really airheaded in my school's play. I wasn't trying to act like an airhead, the director told me that I got cast for the part because the character I was playing was "just like me". FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, I was rehearsing for a school play. My drama teacher keeps criticising the part where I fake-trip, saying I make it look terribly fake. During today's rehearsal, I actually tripped for real, and smashed my kneecaps against the floor with a scream. He still said my "acting" sucked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that my dog, who's 11, eats his own shit, and chews bones like crazy still has 10 times nicer teeth than I do. FML

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By _The__Doctor_ - United States - Venice

Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

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By Oy Vay - United States - Sparkill

Today, my daughter, whom I consigned a credit card for, told me she was in a bit of financial trouble. It turns out that she was trying to pay off her credit card with the same credit card her bill was for, and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. FML

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By Amanda Howard - 27/4/2020 02:00

Says something about you, probably

Today, my brother, who recently got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery, got a job at Target. I applied to the same Target six times, and was denied every time. FML

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By neverdrivingagain - United Kingdom

Today, I spent hours arguing with my mother, who claimed I shouldn't make a three hour drive because I wouldn't be able to concentrate for that long. I argued that I was a perfectly capable driver, and left. In the last 2 minutes of the journey, I hit a van and messed up the front of my car. FML

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By PuppyPeeTimee. - United Kingdom

Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML

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By Neanderthals walk among us - Hungary - Budapest

Today, a customer screamed at me, because her iced coffee tasted exactly like coffee, and she hates coffee. Sadly, this isn't even the most insane person I've had to deal with at this job. FML

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By reallydevonte - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML

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By JellicleCat - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Insane click. He’s just as in love with me. He’s also got a condition I research in my job. It’s literally unethical for us to date. FML

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By Alycat

Today, as it's my birthday, I was hoping for a nice present from my boyfriend. What did he get me? A PornHub account. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I have testicular cancer for the second time in two years, and they may end up removing my last testicle. Knowing full well I was also born with an extra rib, the doctor at the consultation joked, "Hey, you'll be three quarters of the way to being a woman." FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who's a bit older than me, introduced me to his daughter. I was expecting a toddler. Nope, she's a year older than me. FML

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By justwow - United Kingdom

Today, I must be the only person who has been taking the contraceptive pill for six years without ever needing to use it as a contraceptive. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Ume

Today, I tried to pull the old "bucket of water above the door" prank on my brother, but the bucket didn't fall when he opened the door. He noticed it, took it down, then pinned me to the floor and waterboarded me with the ice-cold water. FML

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By WrongPlaceWrongTime - France

Today, my girlfriend came to my workplace to tell me she was breaking up with me. My boss, who was passing by, fired me for "chatting with friends" during work hours. FML

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By yblamemebiatch - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out a colleague spread lies about me because she somehow thinks I'm to blame for the hot guy at work not wanting to date her. Perhaps she should blame his fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML

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By Nutless - United States

Today, one of my baseball teammates thought it would be funny to perform a "cup-check", by hitting our crotches with the end of a baseball bat. I was actually watching the game, so I didn't see him when he came up and hit me. I wasn't wearing a cup. My nuts have shrunk by half of regular size. FML

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By Anonymous

Back-seat parenting

Today, I yelled at my oldest son for picking his little brother up by the throat. Only to then be yelled at my my mother-in-law for hurting his feelings. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 05:01 - United States - Lake Butler

Spy vs. Spy

Today, I panicked when I realized two of my diaries were missing. I turned the house upside down, and found them in the guest room, tucked away in a dresser drawer. My only visitor in the last six months was my mom. I’m 37 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I realized that I hadn't shaved in so long that when the wind blew, the hairs on my legs moved in the breeze. FML

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I am clumsy!

Today my girlfriend was on top during sex. I went to slap her butt, missed and nailed myself in the balls. We had to stop. She wouldn't stop laughing. FML

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By ledentist - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, for my birthday my boyfriend bought me a sexy outfit to wear for him. At the bottom of the bag was a razor. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at the gym, I saw this really pretty girl. Trying to impress her, I started lifting with heavy weights. One of the weights slipped out of my hand. I then dropped the other one, trying to make it seem like it was on purpose. I dropped the weight on my phone. I squealed. She giggled. FML

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By interphaseprophasemetaphase - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By Vic - Denmark

Today, it's my birthday. The present I received from my best friend was the exact same necklace which I gave to her for her birthday two months ago. It had been unwrapped and re-wrapped in the same paper. FML

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By Lily - United States - San Antonio

Today, I fell going down the stairs and hit my head on the wall. My parents came frantically running to my side, but only to make sure I hadn't damaged the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 12:04 - Canada - Edmonton

That's a hard no, Patricia

Today, my aunt asked me to change my major to a program I’m not interested in so her depressed son, my cousin, could have a study buddy. I’m in my last year of university and have been accepted to a master’s program. FML

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By broke - United States

Today, I got home from visiting my long-distance girlfriend. I spent $366 to get a plane ticket to visit her for the week. The day after I arrived there, she broke up with me and I had to buy a ticket for an earlier flight home. With fees and penalties, I paid around $550 to be broken up with. FML

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By igotpride - United States

Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deerfield Beach

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. I have no idea what happened the night before, except for the fact that I'd tucked two uncapped vodka bottles into bed beside me, and now my room reeks of a Russian sorority house. FML

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By rune breaker

Today, I got the hiccups during an exam. I wasn't allowed to leave to get a drink of water, so I had to sit there and take my test while hiccuping violently. The teacher ended up sending me to the hall and ripping up my test for "distracting the other students". FML

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Top comments

By InsanePPG | 25

#4417335 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:05

"He kept us waiting for a bubble?"

By darkforce146 | 5

#4417286 - Thursday 10 May 2012 18:54

That's why you should knock to make sure no one is inside.

COMMENTS

By katymack | 11

#4417284 - Thursday 10 May 2012 18:54

Just say sorry and move on.

By darkforce146 | 5

#4417286 - Thursday 10 May 2012 18:54

That's why you should knock to make sure no one is inside.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4418039 - Thursday 10 May 2012 23:41

Maybe the "Occupied" sign got stuck.

scottieclark | 4

#4419166 - Friday 11 May 2012 3:52

I'd be pissed to!

zakkyzebra | 11

#4419257 - Friday 11 May 2012 4:21

People may be too embarrassed to answer... I always am.... I start coughing up what sounds like a hairball to alert potential intruders...

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4420642 - Friday 11 May 2012 15:53

59- pissed to what?

By tylersign | 11

#4417300 - Thursday 10 May 2012 18:57

You were waiting for your underwear bomb to arm. Right?

By mango260 | 9

#4417302 - Thursday 10 May 2012 18:57

It happens.

By mango260 | 9

#4417322 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:03

It happens.

By rubberduckie94 | 13

#4417323 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:03

I have been stuck behind people in line for the bathroom so many times for this reason. It is very irritating. You should always give a little knock on the door.

By SarahBearrra | 4

#4417325 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:03

Thats a bit awkward...

ChrisG93 | 8

#4417494 - Thursday 10 May 2012 20:04

Yeah that's definitely a little awkward. Lol

iloveweed6969 | 2

#4417828 - Thursday 10 May 2012 22:40

*aquard

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4420520 - Friday 11 May 2012 13:41

You don't say?

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4420644 - Friday 11 May 2012 15:54

No. Bad. No thumbs for you, dear sir.

By InsanePPG | 25

#4417335 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:05

"He kept us waiting for a bubble?"

nofearjenshere | 12

#4417574 - Thursday 10 May 2012 20:31

"It's his first time on his own."

likeAwesome | 3

#4417636 - Thursday 10 May 2012 20:57

lol

marik7410 | 6

#4417736 - Thursday 10 May 2012 21:51

"Again, congratulations"

curlyfry33 | 8

#4419839 - Friday 11 May 2012 7:51

Classic????

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4417342 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:06

I hate those toilets... I keep thinking its going to suck me into the plane's sewage pipes.

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4417436 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:34

"My ass!"
"They killed my dog, man!"
Soul plane FTW!

By usnwife | 18

#4417344 - Thursday 10 May 2012 19:06

Don't all airplane bathrooms have that little window that either "occupied" when the person inside locks it or "vacant" when you know, they are vacant?