Today, I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading...

By ... - 18/11/2008 04:42 - France

Today, I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly, he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning towards the window, he turned towards me. FML

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Transportation

Compassion

Delayed proposal

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By fuckmeintheeyewitharing - 3/7/2016 12:52 - United States - La Mesa

Today, I was polishing a ring I made at a jewelry shop I intern at. The ring flicked off my fingers and smashed me in the eye. It only took a single trip to the emergency room to make me pretty sure I won't be getting the job. FML

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By Waitingtomoveout - 12/1/2017 17:09

Today, I had to remove my brother's pubic hairs from the bathtub before bathing my son. FML

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By limegreengiraffe - 1/11/2014 14:06 - United States - Lubbock

Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML

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By shrek - 2/5/2016 10:25 - Australia

Today, my brother dyed my white work shirt bright green because I beat him to the shower this morning. As it's my only shirt, I had to wear it to work, where there was a surprise audit and I was fired for incorrect uniform. FML

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By futuremum - 22/3/2012 17:14 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I had to yet again tell my mother-in-law that I wasn't going to name my unborn baby "Ermintrude" after her late mother. My husband told me to stop being difficult, and that he agrees that it would be nice. FML

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By Anonanon - 12/7/2011 17:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been flirting with for months. Immediately after he gave me the 'let's just be friends' speech then left for work, accidentally locking me in his apartment. I had to call his ex girlfriend to come let me out. She smirked. FML

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By littlelottie - 17/1/2012 17:04 - United States

Today, when I excitedly announced to my mother-in-law that I was pregnant, she looked at me with a blank expression and asked me who the father was. She's 45. She's not senile or suffering from dementia, but apparently just suffering from being a chronic bitch. FML

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By downlowtooslow - 12/6/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, while eating with my kids at McDonalds, my son put his hand up and wanted me to give him a "high five." I went to give him a five, but he moved his hand at the last second and I ended up slapping him in the face. Now everyone there thinks I'm a child-beater. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 22:20 - United States

Today, while bringing boxes up from the basement, I noticed a few spider egg sacs had stuck to my shirt. As I desperately tried to remove them, they hatched. FML

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By bluedevil26 - 3/3/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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By wrongtarget - 21/10/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I got chewed out at work when my supervisor showed up, because my coworkers told my supervisor they couldn't find me for an hour and a half. Why couldn't they find me? Because they'd left to go get coffee. FML

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By :( - 28/3/2014 20:25 - Sweden - Ume

Today, my grandma reduced me to a sobbing wreck in two short sentences, just to win a bet against my mum. FML

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By ke - 29/1/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2014 23:59 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I finally found out why my husband is always so eager and happy to buy me whatever I am craving during my pregnancy. It's because it gives him an excuse to meet up with his mistress and have a quickie. FML

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By Crushgonewrong - 22/6/2016 21:42 - United States - Compton

Today, I told the cute girl in my office that she looked like she listened to country music, as an icebreaker. She blankly stared at me for what felt like forever, and responded with, "That's the worst thing you could say to a person," and walked away. She hasn't talked to me since. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2016 22:31 - United States

Today, I got a call from my dad asking if I was a porno actress. I am. FML

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By BrokeButSmart - 23/8/2012 05:24 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my boss reprimanded me in front of the rest of the staff for "not following instructions" because I went to a company meeting. I have the email from him telling me to go to the meeting. He thinks I faked it. Unemployment sucks. FML

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By Braced - 21/2/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, my dad and I were shovelling snow off the roof. I told him I was going to jump off the roof. He told me to go ahead, so I did. He failed to tell me that the snow was packed and wouldn't break my fall. I now have an injured back. He didn't tell me because he didn't think I would actually do it. FML

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By disney_dick - 8/1/2018 00:00 - United States - Mims

Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 18:00

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

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By Diesel - 3/5/2011 14:23 - Belgium

Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML

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By rebeccaremily - 4/10/2009 07:03 - Canada

Today, my computer stopped working. Me, the technology challenged one, decided to do a system recovery on it hoping that I could make it better. Turns out, system recovery means deleting all the files off the computer including family photos, music and assignments and starting fresh. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2015 15:22 - United States

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2013 06:20 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my manager asked me for the password to my Internet so she could Skype family since she can't pay her bill. This is the same woman who just a week ago tried to evict me because my rent was an hour late. Trying to be the bigger person, I gave her the password. She changed my password. FML

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By still had to pay - 23/12/2012 21:36 - Australia

Today, I took my 5-year old daughter to get a photo taken with Santa, when she asked the dreaded question of why this Santa looked different from one at the other store. Before I could placate her, some cunt of a kid yelled, "Because he's not real, dumbass!" FML

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By bird - 8/1/2014 20:27 - United States - Fort Gratiot

Today, I learned that my new parakeet hates her reflection, and will screech loudly day and night unless I take the mirror out. My other parakeet loves the mirror and constantly cries out when I remove it. I can't win. FML

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By unlucky neighbors - 6/12/2013 09:36 - China - Shanghai

Today, I was staying at a seedy apartment. A group of drunken idiots next door decided it would be fun to run into the wall simultaneously. They broke through the rotted wall and ran me over. FML

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By needfulthing - 19/11/2010 15:00 - United States

Today, I sent a text to a guy I'd met over the weekend. He'd traveled 40 miles to my town for the date, so I picked up the tab for dinner. My text simply said, "Had a nice time. Looking forward to getting together again." His reply was, "When did you get so needy?" FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2019 16:04

Today, I went to Auto Zone because my car was having trouble starting, and I thought it was the battery. The guy checked it with their reader, and confirmed it was dying. Right after he put the battery in, my starter died. I had to get my car towed to the shop. FML

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By ugly - 3/9/2012 08:17 - United States

Today, I attended my 10-year high school reunion. My ex-husband's new wife showed up in the same dress as mine. I guess both the dress and my ex-husband look better on her. FML

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By CoronaDating - 23/3/2020 23:10

Covid-19 vs. Sex life

Today, I've been single for a couple of months. The last time I was single, Tinder and dating apps didn't exist. After figuring out how to be successful with those and setting up several dates, I've already had 3 date cancellations for this week because of the coronavirus. It's going to be a long couple of months. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2009 16:18 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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By slashteddy - 9/9/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, at work, I was on my break when I had to use the bathroom. I was on the toilet taking a dump when the door latch loosened and the door swung open. The little girl standing there took one look and screamed. Security busted in. My pants were still down. FML

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By jlover42 - 1/5/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 02:00

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 16:35 - United States - Calhoun

Today, while using a public toilet, a guy started pissing beside me at the urinal. The breach of bathroom etiquette then escalated to him taking a long look down at me and saying "Nice sack, dude." followed by him finishing up and leaving without even washing his hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 21:26 - New Zealand

Today, I found out how it feels to have a car door slammed shut on my hand, breaking two of my fingers. Hint: it's fucking painful. FML

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By ivegotapackage - 5/1/2015 23:47 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a notice on my apartment door that I'd received a package when no one was home, and it was left at the backdoor. I don't have a backdoor. FML

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Top comments

By AngelBubblesRose | 0

#36724 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 5:19

gross

By penguinking12345_fml | 0

#274362 - Saturday 6 June 2009 9:24

Lol how would u deserve it??????

COMMENTS

By revieced | 12

#26387 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 16:06

oh my.... LOL

Melaniee_fml | 0

#1350391 - Saturday 4 September 2010 15:21

so.. why was reading the newspaper signifacant?

By AngelBubblesRose | 0

#36724 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 5:19

gross

By Shallow_Padentic | 0

#50698 - Sunday 22 March 2009 21:12

Hahaha thats nasty

By nafiul93 | 0

#73355 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:17

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww slap that hoe

By Exhumed91 | 0

#128399 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 2:43

Lame. Dane cook joke.

black_cherry_pie | 0

#465788 - Friday 7 August 2009 9:27

thats happened to more than just dane cook, and besides dane cook is awesome.

MissMae93 | 23

#3391087 - Wednesday 5 October 2011 14:36

Oh, that's right, if it's happened to someone famous it couldn't possibly happen to any other person in the world. Clearly OP didn't get the memo.

By that_guy_you_are | 0

#185000 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:18

YDI.

By penguinking12345_fml | 0

#274362 - Saturday 6 June 2009 9:24

Lol how would u deserve it??????

Cr1spyBacon8r | 7

#6637754 - Monday 27 June 2016 16:46

Quite a few people will just press you deserved it because they're assholes.

Boomi | 38

#6689561 - Wednesday 14 September 2016 18:03

Possibly by riding the train to begin with? I don't know, I'm one of those people that use public transportation as well.

By penguinking12345_fml | 0

#274363 - Saturday 6 June 2009 9:25

Ewwwww

By im_a_nerd | 0

#336892 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 19:40

hilarioussss

By Michbella1 | 0

#338649 - Thursday 25 June 2009 5:09

don't you love my Lynyrd Skynyrd shirt and bullet necklace in this pic!!! 'cause i do!