By Anonymous - United States

Great date, thanks!

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

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Understandable

No pain, no meds

Stealth dog

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with tic tac. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the middle of enjoying a really good book while in a waiting room. Someone saw what I was reading and thought it would be cool if she leaned over and told me everything that happens. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I was comforted by the sound of mice running through the walls of my apartment. I left cheese and peanut butter out for them to find so that I could at least have a pet for company. FML

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By FrOsTy25

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for my Teen Living class, all the students got a fake baby. In order to stop the baby from crying, you have to use the bracelet they provide. I lost the bracelet. I have the baby all weekend. FML

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By Miffy - United States - San Augustine

Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML

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By LonerCow - United States

Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML

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By Jesse - United States

Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Union City

Today, some jackass in an Iron Man mask nailed me in the head with a quarter while I was helping other customers. Minimum wage isn't worth this crap. FML

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By rhcpgurl - United States - San Jose

Today, after 2 months of searching, I finally found a good, stable job. How does the universe reward me upon waking up on my very first day? With a burning yeast infection. FML

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By nubbins - Canada

Today, I got a message from my ex saying how sorry he was for everything he did. He also said that if he wasn't getting married and having a kid we could still be together. We broke up a year ago. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

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By scaredofhedges - United States - San Diego

Today, I was on a plane and realized that the woman next to me was hiding a hedgehog in a plastic container. I'm severely afraid of hedgehogs but not wanting to give the woman up and get her in trouble, I tried to stay quiet. Which led to me to quietly hyperventilate and pass out on the plane. FML

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By rubber_duckie177 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my dad gave me a twenty minute lecture about responsibility and how lazy he considers me to be. He then yelled at me for not making his bed and getting his clothes off the floor. FML

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By failedfather - Australia - Ferntree Gully

Today, I had to tell McDonald's that my 11-year-old son thought it would be funny to take a dump in the urinal. I then had to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, once again, I explained that yes, I'm Russian. No, I'm not a communist. No, I don't pray to a picture of Putin riding a bear. And no, I don't have any vodka on me. FML

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By DrakeScott - United States

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, at a science-fiction convention, a woman came up to me and told me that my white face paint was a mess, my contacts looked cheap, and my costume was an all-round failure. I wasn't wearing a costume, I'm an albino. FML

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By snipsnip

Today, after finally growing my curly hair down to shoulder length, I decided to get it styled for a dinner date. The stylist rolled up the barrel brush on my head and it got stuck. Hello, pixie cut. FML

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By sarahhh - United States

Today, I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but turned to me and said "Do I have to bring you?" FML

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By Anna - United States - Monroe

Today, my guy friend kept complaining that no one had asked him to the dance, so he probably wasn't going to go. I suggested that we go together. He laughed until his face was bright red and said, "I don't think I'll ever get that desperate." FML

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By disappointmentafter4years - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after 4 years of staring each other down at the bar, we both finally made a move and ended up at his apartment. After 45 mins of unsuccessfully getting anywhere, I left, to walk home in a hail storm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to jump out from behind the bedroom door to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. I slipped and broke two ribs when I hit the ground. Instead of a sexy birthday evening, he got to take me to hospital. FML

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By forthethreeofus

Today, I went to a nice restaurant with my grandfather, who kept telling me to be kind towards our waiter, as he was probably just starting his summer job. The same waiter who, as my granddad had probably forgotten, had brought us our food six months ago and was now standing four feet away. FML

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By ThatCery - United Kingdom

Today, I rang my dad to tell him and my half-sister that I'm finally engaged. I then asked my half-sister to tell my stepmother. Still on speaker, I heard her run upstairs and pass the good news on. My stepmother responded with 'Cery who?', followed by 'So what? I can't stand her'. I'm Cery. FML

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By nowimbroketoo - Australia - Beaumaris

Today, the guy whose son I babysat for six hours straight confessed to being broke, then actually asked if he could pay me with sex instead. FML

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By MedHistory - Canada - Laval

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my 3 hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

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By Nutless - United States

Today, one of my baseball teammates thought it would be funny to perform a "cup-check", by hitting our crotches with the end of a baseball bat. I was actually watching the game, so I didn't see him when he came up and hit me. I wasn't wearing a cup. My nuts have shrunk by half of regular size. FML

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By GOLLUM!

Today, after being without my car keys for two days, I finally got a locksmith to unlock my car on the off chance I'd left my keys in there. $170 later, the car was open, but I didn't find my keys. Frustrated, I threw the paperwork in the garbage... where I spotted my keys. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dog got out and ran off at 8 p.m., so I had 11 friends and family looking in the freezing cold night for it until 11:30 p.m. Turns out, the dog was locked in the garage the whole time. FML

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By HR nightmare - United States - Glendale

Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for work anymore. He said no and went crazy. HR and the police are now involved. FML

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By Anunimos - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I found out my best friend's girlfriend is cheating on him with his own brother. I went over to his place and told him everything while his girlfriend was in the same room. He called me a jealous liar who wanted to break them up, and kicked me out while she looked on, smirking. FML

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By tash - Canada

Today, while I was mowing the lawn in my backyard, I ran over a glass bottle. My legs looked like a disco ball. FML

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By AtLeastHaveADecientExcuse

Today, my first date in years cancelled on me because she has to "wash the horse's hair." The date was arranged for 9:30pm. FML

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By Shadyblood - Puerto Rico

Today, my drunk uncle threw my brand new iPhone 3GS into my pool, ruining it completely. When I asked him to pay for the 600 dollar replacement cost, he said he wasn't responsible for his drunken actions. All of my family members are on his side. FML

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By splooge - United States

Today, I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too." FML

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Top comments

By kika_fml | 0

#65611 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:02

Lol, why didnt you just go to the bathroom?

By ZeShadow | 0

#65622 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

You dropped DA BOMB on her

COMMENTS

By zaya1324 | 0

#65608 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:01

HAHA wow that totally sucks for you. shes kinda a bitch for doing that though, its human nature
first comment: victory =)

Reply

MelissaBarkley | 0

#923642 - Monday 8 March 2010 2:51

wow.. i would have stayed.. and laughed. everyone farts. I know she does too

Reply

albert17 | 0

#964063 - Friday 19 March 2010 9:49

what are you talking about, girls can't fart

Reply

cellerbeck | 4

#1112408 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 6:54

I laughed so hard when I read this! ya #2 s right though. you should have walked out of the theater to do it. g

Reply

Carlie_McCartney | 1

#1525353 - Sunday 10 October 2010 2:26

you are so right

By kika_fml | 0

#65611 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:02

Lol, why didnt you just go to the bathroom?

Reply

aria02 | 0

#470799 - Sunday 9 August 2009 3:44

He didn't rly even have to go all the way to the bathroom. He cud have just walked out of the theater, farted, fanned the gas away from his butt and walked right back in. I've done that many times b4 to keep the "girls don't fart" illusion alive. lol

Reply

missbadluk | 0

#3286860 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:50

That's what I was wondering. Simple solution. Derrr

By ZeShadow | 0

#65622 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

You dropped DA BOMB on her

By Prof_Oak | 0

#65623 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

#2 is right..you shoulda just gone to the bathroom, dude
and
haha
#2. that means poo. lol

By queencanada165 | 0

#65624 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:04

niiiiiiiiice and #2 am totally agreeing with you

By marisaichiban | 0

#65631 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:05

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now THAT'S an FML.

By FuckMyLife132 | 0

#65637 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

oJoy | 11

#6077136 - Monday 29 September 2014 21:54

wow judgemental much?

By yeahreally | 6

#65641 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:07

i was about to say that same thing as #2...common sense i would hope

By Warcry21 | 1

#65643 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:07

ahahahaha akward... u gotta work on ur timing ur farts

By tentenjen | 0

#65649 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:09

ROFL. that sucks.
(You should've gone to the bathroom before it happened!)