Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 18:50 - United States

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Compassion

Peaky Bladders

By badmom - 10/6/2009 18:09 - Canada

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

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By anonymous - 9/10/2014 22:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

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By imalilangel05 - 10/2/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

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By Brian B - 13/9/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2019 18:00

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? My boss didn't like that my manager and I are friends outside of work, and he thinks we are sleeping together. She's gay and I live with my boyfriend of 5 years. He blamed it on me wearing the wrong shoes 3 weeks ago. FML

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By it's a wonder I'm not illiterate as fuck - 12/4/2013 17:21 - United States - Roselle

Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML

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By friedchicken - 12/11/2011 06:43 - Canada

Today, I was following my friend to her house in my car, because I didn't know where it was. I'd been following her for at least an hour when she pulled into a gas station. Turns out I'd been following the wrong car. I have no idea where I am. FML

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By NooOOooOO - 11/10/2017 23:15

Today, I learned how artistically talented my daughter is. Unfortunately, her favorite medium to work in is poo. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2017 22:40 - United States - Monroe

A+ for Effort

Today, being Valentine's Day, I went all out for my wife with flowers, a candlelit dinner, and tickets to a broadway show. The flowers arrived dead, the dinner sucked, and my wife hated the show. Afterwards, I tried to be intimate, but apparently I smelled like a shart trapped in a pant leg. FML

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By fuckmuppeter512 - 4/1/2014 22:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend. After only having sex once, where I wore a condom and didn't even get to come, she says that she's pregnant. FML

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By dream1334 - 2/6/2012 23:28 - United States - East Rockaway

Today, I was at a wedding. After videotaping the ceremony for a few minutes, my memory was full. I went to delete another video. I accidentally played the loudest video I had. No one was looking at the bride or groom anymore. FML

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By legotron - 30/10/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I was hit by a car speeding through an intersection after the light had already turned red. Still partly blacked out, I crawled onto the sidewalk and I sat down. The woman rolled down her car window and yelled, "Watch where you're going!" as she drove by. FML

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By NeedALittleRoomToBreathe - 20/5/2017 02:00

Today, after having set up a date with a wonderful guy who seems to really like me, I caught a cold. I have also lost most of my voice because of it, so I now sound like an angry, deranged goose when I talk. This will be the first time he meets me in person. So much for a good first impression. FML

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By annoyed - 28/9/2012 00:41 - United States - Houston

Today, my mother texted me that she was in labor. She never told me she was pregnant. Apparently she's engaged too. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2016 14:34 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, after a fight, I caught my sister rubbing my toothbrush on the inside of our grimy toilet. This is why I have trust issues. FML

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By Char - 24/9/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Gravesend

Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML

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By Cody - 6/7/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, during my shift at a restaurant, my boss's daughter came in. I couldn't help but notice that she was almost popping out of her low-cut top. After having a private chat with her, my boss took me aside and said, "My daughter's got eyes you know, not just a pair of tits". FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 05:10

Today, I finally got a promotion at work. Today I also found out that no matter how long I work, no matter how much effort and unpaid overtime I put in for 6 years, my coworkers will be convinced I only got promoted because I'm the CFO's son. FML

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By SayCheese - 2/4/2013 22:52 - Canada - Prince George

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 17:31 - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2016 02:20 - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

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By phonesnshit - 29/5/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was expecting a very important work call. Today was also the day I got insuppressible diarrhea. As I was running to the washroom, the phone rang. I didn't make it to the washroom or the phone. FML

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By hello to you too - 30/8/2018 12:30 - United States - New York

Today, I met my new 7ft tall and heavily muscular neighbor. Before I could say anything, he greeted me in his really deep voice with, "Excuse me, but is this yours?" He was holding my muddy 3-year-old son, who he'd found in his backyard, by his jumpers like a stuffed cat. FML

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By EyeSeeYou - 2/5/2012 18:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

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By totalloss - 1/4/2012 16:15 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

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By Girl-of-very-little-brain - 29/12/2011 12:01 - Canada

Today, I woke up at midnight crying, stood up to turn on the lights and face-planted into my wall. FML

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By crunch time - 1/1/2018 19:30 - United States - Jacksonville

Nice.

Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML

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By disneyworld - 14/2/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

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By Noname - 16/3/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

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By Hollywoodanonymous - 31/10/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2017 04:00

Today, after not showering with my boyfriend in 3 months, he called me in to the bathroom and asked me to shower with him. After getting excited and ripping my clothes off, I get in and he asks me to wash his hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2012 14:19 - United States

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

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By Sam_Licker81 - 19/11/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

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By kaybear13 - 5/8/2015 08:39 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I got written up because apparently leaning on the counter at work is unprofessional, even if you're about to pass out and the counter is the only thing keeping you on your feet. FML

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By cc - 10/10/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, I lent my sister $1000 because she and her husband were in some debt. They used the money to go gambling in Vegas and won a major jackpot. They won't even give me a cut. FML

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By EllieJ - 23/3/2011 15:22

Today, I opened a cupboard and a brick fell on my head. The same brick my mum put up there to "keep it out of the way". FML

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By realnotimaginary - 15/12/2016 06:00

Today, my boss gave me a lecture accompanied with a formal warning because I failed to take notes during a client meeting. I was never at this client meeting, in fact, I had a call with another client at the same time. Regardless, he insists I was there and refuses to listen to reason. FML

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By sweetsixteenyay - 25/6/2015 19:16 - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

Today, the new girl told me that a guy at the back of the class was being creepy. I looked over and saw him picking his nose and flinging boogers at the girls sitting in the front. That guy is my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2018 01:30

Today, my manager cussed me out for being unable to keep a customer happy. That "customer" was a senile old twit who had wandered away from his carer, thought our shop was his living room, and demanded to know who replaced all his furniture. FML

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By notinterested - 13/9/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

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Top comments

By kika_fml | 0

#65611 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:02

Lol, why didnt you just go to the bathroom?

By ZeShadow | 0

#65622 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

You dropped DA BOMB on her

COMMENTS

By zaya1324 | 0

#65608 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:01

HAHA wow that totally sucks for you. shes kinda a bitch for doing that though, its human nature
first comment: victory =)

Reply

MelissaBarkley | 0

#923642 - Monday 8 March 2010 2:51

wow.. i would have stayed.. and laughed. everyone farts. I know she does too

Reply

albert17 | 0

#964063 - Friday 19 March 2010 9:49

what are you talking about, girls can't fart

Reply

cellerbeck | 4

#1112408 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 6:54

I laughed so hard when I read this! ya #2 s right though. you should have walked out of the theater to do it. g

Reply

Carlie_McCartney | 1

#1525353 - Sunday 10 October 2010 2:26

you are so right

By kika_fml | 0

#65611 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:02

Lol, why didnt you just go to the bathroom?

Reply

aria02 | 0

#470799 - Sunday 9 August 2009 3:44

He didn't rly even have to go all the way to the bathroom. He cud have just walked out of the theater, farted, fanned the gas away from his butt and walked right back in. I've done that many times b4 to keep the "girls don't fart" illusion alive. lol

Reply

missbadluk | 0

#3286860 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:50

That's what I was wondering. Simple solution. Derrr

By ZeShadow | 0

#65622 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

You dropped DA BOMB on her

By Prof_Oak | 0

#65623 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

#2 is right..you shoulda just gone to the bathroom, dude
and
haha
#2. that means poo. lol

By queencanada165 | 0

#65624 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:04

niiiiiiiiice and #2 am totally agreeing with you

By marisaichiban | 0

#65631 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:05

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now THAT'S an FML.

By FuckMyLife132 | 0

#65637 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

oJoy | 11

#6077136 - Monday 29 September 2014 21:54

wow judgemental much?

By yeahreally | 6

#65641 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:07

i was about to say that same thing as #2...common sense i would hope

By Warcry21 | 1

#65643 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:07

ahahahaha akward... u gotta work on ur timing ur farts

By tentenjen | 0

#65649 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:09

ROFL. that sucks.
(You should've gone to the bathroom before it happened!)